Irresponsible for married couples to have babies?

[Bini]

Is it ever irresponsible for a married couple to have a baby? We've had numerous threads on the issue of Starting A Family Is Between Husband, Wife and God and should not be based upon financial status etc etc. But what about couples that have a volatile and dysfunctional marriage around the clock? Is this really an acceptable situation to bring a child into?

Months ago I made a post about a friend of mine that has a rocky marriage. In short, her husband would rather play video games all day than find work and provide for their little family. She has also confided in me that there has been infidelity issues as well. In the middle of this messy mixture is their three year old son. Well, she recently found out that she is pregnant again, and it wasn't necessarily planned but it wasn't necessarily not planned either. She wasn't on BC and continued to be intimate with her husband, despite the fact that she knows he doesn't love her - yes she told me this. Just seems sooo irresponsible to me that they would allow for this to happen.. Bringing yet another helpless child into a big mess of a marriage and family life. Is this a big deal to anyone else? I get disheartened over this because I've held her hand through the many downs of her marriage. I'm not the only one. A mutual friend of ours took her and her son in, when her husband was doing a lot of drinking and having fits. This happened only a few months after her son was born.. I know this scenario isn't uncommon. I know a lot of kids grow up with this stuff. But why do we allow this? I can't wrap my head around why she allowed herself to have another baby with this man. Sad thing is, few people congratulated her on her pregnancy because they know how rough things are in her marriage. What a mess.

[Guest]

I think if a couple can't provide children a stable, functional life and essentials for living, they should definitely consider not bringing children into their mess.

[Anddenex]

Yes, I personally believe, there are times where it is irresponsible for married couples to have children.

The situation you describe seems an irresponsible time, however some men change after having children, and others do not.

[idahommie]

Personal opinion.......it IS irresponsible to have children when your marriage is not one of unity of purpose. Same goes for not having the finances to raise your children. Don't have 7 kids if you can't feed, clothe, house and educate them. Practice Birth Control(I'll catch hell for that statement, but I'll stand by it)

[NeuroTypical]

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

What these guys said.

[Misshalfway]

There have been a couple of times when I've wondered about this with some neighbors. One family I know has many children. And their usually isn't much time between pregnancies. There were times when I wondered about the money issue and heard they were using the bishop for expenses. Soon they were on the 15th child. The last few were born too early and lived in the NICU for months. And mom didn't fare much better. I think her kidney's were in serious trouble at one point. Listening to this mom talk about how much she loved babies but didn't like it when they got older, made me wonder if she was kind of addicted to having a newborn.

So...I know I can judge. But I've wondered. I have other friends that also wanted and planned to have a large family. But they've made all the provisions. And they know their limits. It feels like they are doing it right. The former story....I'm just not sure.

[Guest]

My mentally unstable SIL's bishop actually counseled them to not have any more children. They had 3 and she couldn't really manage that many, plus her husband spends so much time taking care of her and the kids that he can't hold a steady job.

[classylady]

I believe there are instances when it would be irresponsible for a married couple to have a baby. Some of the scenarios have already been mentioned. But, I also feel that we need to be careful in our judgements. For example, what our particular idea of what "essentials" would be might vary from person to person. For some, being able to provide music lessons, dance, sports, etc. would be a requirement. Also, they might think that a house large enough to provide every single child with their own bedroom would be a requirement.

Standards have changed over the years. Look how many outfits most people have to wear, and they need the closet space to put them all. Just 20 years ago, the average closet had more than enough space for clothing, shoes, etc. Now days, it seems like we need a huge walk-in closet for every single member of the family. Years ago, many homes were small with just a couple of bedrooms. The parents had one bedroom and then the children shared another room. I just feel we need to be careful how we judge. My parents didn't have much. In fact most people would consider us poor. We lived on a farm. We shared bedrooms and closet space, and for many years just one bathroom. I don't feel like we were deprived. Even after my father died, and my mother had seven children to raise on her own on her small secretaries salary, I still don't feel like I was deprived. There was love in our home. An abundance of it. That made all the difference.

[Backroads]

Yes, I can think of many reasons a married couple should not have children.

The lack of millions in the bank may still mean a couple is mentally and emotionally healthy, which is probably where the oft-heard instruction of "don't delay for financial reasons" comes in. But I don't think anyone encourages bringing children into a truly broken home.

[BadWolf]

I personally consider birth control to BE a prayer. Why? I was planning on waiting until I had my degree before having children. (Please. I would prefer to not be pregnant right now). Our son was conceived through 3 forms of birth control.

When a person is IN an abusive marriage, its hard to actually see. Not a lot of agency in domination/manipulation/control/abuse. Some. For sure. Just not a lot.

Which makes 'responsibility', almost laughable.

Lets ALL sing the abused spouse anthem together, now;

"But its not that bad."

& How about the refrain of trying to make absolutely unacceptable whitewashed into 'normal'

"Everyone has a bad day from time to time, marriage is hard, life is really stressful right now, blah blah blah"

The blame shifting

"A lot of it is my fault. It's all my fault. They wouldn't if I ______."

By the time you're solid into the neglect/addictions/adultery/(Id be surprised-floored, actually- if there wasn't also flat out mental/emotional, maybe even physical abuse) that the OP describes above , BOTH people have lost their ability to make rational decisions. The one staying in an abusive marriage is getting just as high on false hope and lies, and just as blinded by fear and pain... If not more... Than the person who is actually breaking vows.

Life itself becomes blurry, myopic, warped. There's a new 'normal' when the Absolutely Unacceptable becomes "Not that bad". When one chooses to stay in an abusive situation, they lose themselves. In part or in whole. When ones life devolves down to chasing the high of even 5 minutes, much less a few days or a few weeks of 'good times', between the bad times... Rational decision making becomes highly impaired. Even impossible.

Why do people enable addictions? Why do battered spouses keep coming back? How do these things develop into the cycle of abuse in the first place? Because one loses their ever lovin mind. They become impaired. One loses one's self, as one loses normal, and starts surviving on hope and denial and fear and heart break. Just one more. One more chance. It was good for a little while. I can get that back. This time. This time will be different.

Shudder.

Not a lotta agency in abusive situations.

Just my experience.