bcguy Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 Say your husband or wife is a bit on the attractive side and the customers who are attracted to that person makes comments indicating "they want them" in some kind of relationship. Say the husband or wife excepted Rosses, candy, and in one case, a condom from that customer or patient. What would you say/do to your other half if this was the case? I know some people, avoid people of the opposite sex who are attractive if they are looking for a future spouse to avoid this pitfall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 My wife is so incredibly lucky that she never has to worry about this problem. Maybe I'll tell her that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 Rosses? The store? People by that name? Obviously it would be inappropriate for a spouse to accept a condom from someone. I'm not sure why that would even be in question. Any advances made to someone who is married should be met with an immediate, "I'm married", and that's that. Bragging about being "wanted" to your spouse is emotional abuse. Not to mention immature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 If someone tried to hand me a condom I'd write them off as creepy and perverted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I'm a little confused. Is your wife gloating about men giving her flowers, condoms, and candy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dahlia Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I have been in or witnessed a number of odd situations at work. Never has anyone given me a condom or even mentioned something like that. I never had a girlfriend who said someone said anything like that to her. A condom?? Your SO comes home and says someone wants to give them a condom? What happened to going out for a nice lunch, for crying out loud? Maybe this Mormon thing is getting to me, but I would think a heck of a lot more was going on than just a little on-the-job friendship if my SO told me someone wanted to give him a condom. Obviously the person wants a reaction. Maybe the home life isn't all it could be, and the SO is trying (poorly) to let you know that s/he's still attractive. But, the person could just be a sadistic idiot and want to see you squirm. Even if it actually happened, what s/he should have done was 1) tell the person at work that s/he was married and 2) not mention anything so disgusting (and it takes a lot to get me disgusted) to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 Say your husband or wife is a bit on the attractive side and the customers who are attracted to that person makes comments indicating "they want them" in some kind of relationship. Say the husband or wife excepted Rosses, candy, and in one case, a condom from that customer or patient. What would you say/do to your other half if this was the case? I know some people, avoid people of the opposite sex who are attractive if they are looking for a future spouse to avoid this pitfall.I can't think of a more idiotic reason to avoid a relationship with an attractive person than the fear that someone else may find them attractive too. Reminds me of that stupid song by the Coasters. They couldn't be more wrong. But if a spouse were to accept (yes, that's the correct spelling) a condom as a gift from a client, patient or coworker, you better believe that said spouse has lost all respect for their husband/wife. A person finding him/herself in this kind of situation has to ask him/herself how long they will put up with this behavior from someone who once proclaimed their love for him/her. I am of the opinion that someone who tolerates kind of thing for longer than a month should consider him/herself to be some kind of doormat whose spouse clearly does not love or care for, and that if he/she doesn't take immediate steps to fix or end the relationship, then he/she needs to stop complaining about it and accept the fact that they are living in a loveless marriage in which the dominant spouse is allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want to whomever they want with no consequences attached. Things will not change until the dominated spouse fundamentally changes the relationship. The dominant spouse has no incentive to change, they are getting exactly what they want out of the relationship-- a doormat who will be there no matter how much they abuse them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 But if a spouse were to accept (yes, that's the correct spelling) a condom as a gift from a client, patient or coworker, you better believe that said spouse has lost all respect for their husband/wife.Maybe she thought they said, "Hey, want a condo?", and was just too embarrassed or confused to respond when handed a prophylactic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 Maybe she thought they said, "Hey, want a condo?", and was just too embarrassed or confused to respond when handed a prophylactic.Yes, naivete could play a role. However, most people who receive unwanted advances at work and then come home and brag about it to their spouse instead of being disgusted and reporting the incident to their employer (it's called sexual harassment) are likely in some way inviting such advances, unconsciously or not. They like it, and they like that it makes their spouse feel like dirt when they tell him/her about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All_Apologies Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I read somewhere that spouses do this because they want attention from their spouse. Don't know if it's true, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_T_R Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) I can't think of a more idiotic reason to avoid a relationship with an attractive person than the fear that someone else may find them attractive too. Reminds me of that stupid song by the Coasters. They couldn't be more wrong.I don't think it's an idiotic reason for people who have trust issues, and maybe even people who trust their spouses but look at the divorce rate and all the different forms infidelity takes in our day and age. The thought of my husband accepting gifts from another woman would be heart breaking for me. And P.S.? Looks don't have to be the determining factor. Maybe for men. Maybe I'm generalizing way too much. All I know is that if my husband had _thee_ raddest personality ever I'd be fah-reaked out he'd get all kinds of women after him (although I haven't met anyone like this so far :) ).And that song is a joke. Anyone who takes it seriously needs a vacation. Edited October 21, 2012 by C_T_R Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bcguy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 But also, it happens at my wifes work place with the patients. Last year, this Hungarian patient had provided her with candy, flowers and then eventually a rubber. Made comments saying Hungarian men have better sex and so on. I asked him does he not even have a GF or wife, she said he did but she passed away. Last year, he got married and though, good, thats the last I will hear about him. But nope, Gave the spouse a big vase of flowers on her birthday which she brought home. She only had one other vase of flowers that were 1/10 the size. I think this patient cheated on his most recent wife and probably dumped/separated/divosed him. If he has not left her, I wonder if her wife found how about giving a huge vase of flowers how would she feel? BTW, I can see a small vase is fine...but a huge one of flowers?? MM I just wonder if this is common in other work places? Presents to your co-workers or your clients is fine but huge amount of flowers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John11111 Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) I dont know where you live but im pretty sure its not allowed to accept personal gifts from patients. I know a lot of the male patients I have at work are much like that hungarian patient. They can be pretty sexually inapropriate with the female staff. Is she in a longterm care setting or was it a shortterm like hospital and the patient has kept in touch with her? I have even had female patients hit on me or be sexually inapropriate, grabbin my butt or trying to kiss me, I go home and tell my wife about it and we share a laugh (I work with mostly older patients tho so... could be different situation depending on her patients). It could be your wife is too polite to refuse the gifts and comes home to tell you because she thinks its funny or maybe she is giving you a hint and wants YOU to buy her gifts? Id sit down with her and tell her how you feel and see what she thinks about it maybe its nothing or maybe its something. Communicate with eachother and come to an agreement on how she should handle situations like that in the future. Edited October 22, 2012 by John11111 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bcguy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 John, she would laugh at me then joke around and say, "maybe you can be replaced by one of those men" She does her best to reveal her weaknesses to the outside world. But she will badmouth her brother and say things about me to other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Let's get serious here. This is a sexual harassment issue at the workplace. Employers who allow this internally or externally are subject to complaints up to and including a lawsuit. The workplace needs to make accommodations to help ensure that this does not continue. For customers, it means banning them from being a customer. For employees, it means a transfer at minimum, termination with possible personal lawsuit at maximum. I would speak to the HR manager of the facility and describe the situation. This is not intended as legal advice, but I wouldn't discount my ideas. ***** Having seen your latest post, I suggest counseling ASAP. This is not the response from a healthy marriage. There is more going on here if she is willing to belittle you in this regard. She may need to find another place of employment in order to protect her marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 John, she would laugh at me then joke around and say, "maybe you can be replaced by one of those men"She does her best to reveal her weaknesses to the outside world. But she will badmouth her brother and say things about me to other people. Do you ever badmouth her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bcguy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 When I said "She does her best to reveal her weaknesses to the outside world" I was saying she would NOT reveal any weakness to anyone outside the marriage or her personal life. She ALWAYS have a answer for something. Anyway, its a 4 person office and she does a really good job at work being the most qualified and licensed person. I just still cannot believe a year ago, she tossed a rubber on the tv night stand and said some sarcastic comment about it. Anyway, I am sure this type of thing has happened in the past to other people. I wonder how guys or gals would think if there spouse brought these things home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 I'm wondering if I will get an answer to my question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Anecdote 1: I was at a tutor training meeting at my university about two months after I got married. One of the women in the training used the twisty tie from her lunch to fashion a ring. At the end of the training, she put it on my finger and suggested I should call her sometime. I was entirely speechless and didn't really know how respond. Rather than embarrass her in front of the whole room by telling her I was married, I just awkwardly accepted it and kept my mouth shut. But when I got home, you better believe I told my wife about it and said, "I've still got it!" Anecdote 2: While I was wrapping up the last day of a course at my university, one of my students approached me and said she wanted to ask an important question. She had heard that I was married and wanted to confirm that. When I said yes, she said thank you and left the room. Apparently, she had been waiting for more than half the semester for the final to be over so she could ask me out (yes, I felt kind of bad for her). But when I got home, I bragged to my wife that I still had it. The thing about both of those anecdotes, however, is that neither girl knew I was married. And as soon as the one found out, she acted appropriately. If they had known I was married and continued to pursue, I would have notified my supervisors immediately. Nothing like this has happened in my current career, but if I were being repeatedly approached, I'd make a call to my supervisor and potentially to HR. As for the bragging to my wife--she found it amusing, but only because they were aberrations and not repeated events. To brag about such repeated events is callous and can only breed worry and eventually mistrust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 John, she would laugh at me then joke around and say, "maybe you can be replaced by one of those men"She does her best to reveal her weaknesses to the outside world. But she will badmouth her brother and say things about me to other people. So this is about your wife. And this sort of abuse has been going on for years, right? I've read numerous threads started by you talking about how bad your wife treats you. And yet you stick around and take it. At the risk of sounding like I'm repeating myself, let me quote a post from someone whom I admire very much:But if a spouse were to accept (yes, that's the correct spelling) a condom as a gift from a client, patient or coworker, you better believe that said spouse has lost all respect for their husband/wife. A person finding him/herself in this kind of situation has to ask him/herself how long they will put up with this behavior from someone who once proclaimed their love for him/her. I am of the opinion that someone who tolerates kind of thing for longer than a month should consider him/herself to be some kind of doormat whose spouse clearly does not love or care for, and that if he/she doesn't take immediate steps to fix or end the relationship, then he/she needs to stop complaining about it and accept the fact that they are living in a loveless marriage in which the dominant spouse is allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want to whomever they want with no consequences attached. Things will not change until the dominated spouse fundamentally changes the relationship. The dominant spouse has no incentive to change, they are getting exactly what they want out of the relationship-- a doormat who will be there no matter how much they abuse them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Get His Needs, Her Needs from the marriage builders website. Do the quizzes there. Start building her up, and fixing your relationship with her. this is not a healthy marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bcguy Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 She wont change... she will lie her way though it then point the issues at me when she is the control freek. BTW, she was almost arrested once by taking a kids bike away from a child into the building because he was not to bicycle on a path of our complex then called 911 when I was asleep!! That is abuse of First Responder usage. I cannot do most things in my residence with out her expressed permission! Seems I hear that word almost daily. What I really need to do is place hidden camera in the house to record these events. It would be the only way my family and her friends would then understand the true reality of our relationship. Some people are very very good at hiding there true identify of there character when under question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 If I'm reading between the lines correctly, you need to get out of this relationship asap. The longer you stay married to this woman the more she is going to tear you up emotionally. Eventually you will have no self-respect or confidence left. What she's doing is emotional abuse.Does this sound like how you feel around your wife?"In your efforts to tiptoe around someone else’s moods, in the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, disgusted looks, sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you unconsciously edit what you say. To some extent, you second-guess your judgment, ideas, and preferences about how to live. You might even begin to question what you think is right and wrong. You probably have a vague feeling, at least now and then, that you are losing yourself. Your perceptions of reality and your sense of self are changing for the worse. You may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle aches, or stomach aches."This is the resut of a test on emotional abuse. This is a REAL problem, and you shouldn't overlook it. Your wife doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusive."Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of 'guidance,' 'teaching,' or 'advice,' the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10)."When you confront your wife about your concerns, does she blow it off with answers like:"I never said that.""You're exaggerating.""You're blowing things out of proportion.""You're too sensitive.""I don't know what you're talking about."or"What else was I supposed to do?""You didn't give me any other choice.""If you would just ___, then I wouldn't have to ____."And then- does she ignore the issue you brought up entirely, twisting it around to something that's wrong with you?If this sounds like your relationship, I suggest you visit this website with more information on emotional abuse.For your own health, you need to put a stop to this abuse. Get yourself out of this very damaging relationship and if you insist on continuing to try to maintain your marriage, you can only do so if you set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Susan Forward's "Emotional Blackmail" would be an excellent book for you to get, to help you learn how to recognize and put a stop to the unacceptable manipulative behaviors and tactics your wife uses. But even so, if you can't eventually get her cooperation, your relationship won't get much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Have you been willing to change? I've seen many, many posts here with you complaining about her, mostly about her weight and how she refuses to lose it. I can tell you if my husband was harping on me about my appearance, I'd probably be digging my heels in in other areas too. What goes around comes around. Instead of assuming she won't change, try to figure out how you can meet her needs and show her love, and just see if she'll follow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Have you been willing to change? I've seen many, many posts here with you complaining about her, mostly about her weight and how she refuses to lose it. I can tell you if my husband was harping on me about my appearance, I'd probably be digging my heels in in other areas too. What goes around comes around. Instead of assuming she won't change, try to figure out how you can meet her needs and show her love, and just see if she'll follow.Come to think of it, I've got weight to lose and I don't have men throwing roses and condoms at me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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