Should I confess this to my bishop?

[perrymanati]

Hey im sorry this is long but i need advice!

Ok so i had a boyfriend like 2 years ago, he was my first bf and i didnt know what type of kisses were apropriate. his kisses were inapropriate, long, tongue involved etc. i didnt know it was bad at the time! he was an exmissionary and a good member of the church so i supposed kissing like that was normal in a relationship and the reason i was feeling bad when kissing, was because i didnt know how to kiss or because that was my first experience or probably he was not the right person and i wasnt in love. I had heard about kissing but when i was YW so i thought it only applied to youth who are not allowed to steady date.

later i did a research and i concluded we shouldnt kiss like that , i told him and he was like ok.

Anyway long after the brekaup i still felt bad for kissing him like that and letting him do it, i told my bishop about it and he told me to forgive myself because i didnt do it with lust, i didnt know it was bad and when i started to feel something was wrong i investigated and asked him to stop, i never meant to rebel against god intentionally.

But now i remember something. my bf wanted to marry me and everyone else wanted me to marry him too, besides he was a good member of the church and he loved me so much (now i think it was infatuation and strong physical attraction) that i was like, "i like my bf, he's good and loving but i can't love him, why? why i dont feel like marrying him?" and one day at a dance he started kissing me like that and i thought : ok everyone wants me to marry him and start a family together and i wish i felt the same...lets see if i feel any "procreation desire" with this guy (if u know what i mean) but of course i didn't want to go further,i just wanted to find out if i would feel it after marriage, because so far i just couldnt see him as a father to my children. WHAT A FOOL! and yeah after some kissing i started to feel a lust feeling! WHAT A FOOL! but short after that a person entered the room, just a few seconds later. we stopped and went to dance but I was so ashamed after the kiss!!!! i promised myself i wouldnt do it again and i realized that it is not necessary to feel those things to want a person as an eternal companion.

Now, years laters i wonder if i should tell this to my bishop, it was so quick and we didnt go further. i didnt know what he felt that day and i dont think he remembers, but i do, because it was the only time i've felt it and im still ashamed. I want to be clean and chaste.... I've felt the godly sorrow so much and prayed so much asking for forgiveness, but i dont know if i should tell my bishop. im willing to do it if necessary. Is it necessary? and, should i apologize with my exboyfriend? we had a nasty breakup so we havent had any contact and right now it would be very uncomfortable to go and apologize now for something that wasnt wrong for him. i dont want to talk to him but im so willing to do it if necessary!

Will I be considered chaste again? this is very important to me because one blessing from my patriarchal blessing is based upon my obedience to the LoC. Thank you!!!

[Guest]

If it's still bothering you years later, talk to your bishop, if only to ease your mind.

[Backroads]

On a purely technical level, with this being so long ago, I would say I wouldn't bother.

BUT you yourself are still having issues with it. For that reason alone, it wouldn't be horrible to see your bishop and talk it over.

[Guest]

A sin is a sin whether it was committed yesterday or years ago, and if something needs to be taken to the bishop, it always does, not only within a certain period of time.

As far as whether this is one of those things, I don't know. I doubt it, personally, but it's not for me to say. . . so again, I'd just go to the bishop for some peace of mind.

[mnn727]

I personally don't believe this is a sin, however since its bothering you please do see your Bishop.

[Star_]

I don't think you need to. It does not matter what I think, it matters what you think though.

If you can't move on without confessing, then do it and move on.

You could pray about it and ask what you should do. He said, she said, I said... it really matters what God says :)

[missionary0204]

First of all, I am very proud of you for your desire to please your Father-in-Heaven. You sound just like the girl I married and I am so very happy to have met her. She was just as pure as you are. Unfortunately, I spent more time than I should have speaking with Bishops before my mission. This is not a scenario that would normally require visiting with a Bishop, but the Bishop can provide council that may help you avoid future problems with boys before marriage. I would encourage you to avoid passionate kissing before marriage for many reasons-mainly because nieve people can become easy targets for manipulation which can lead to bigger problems. Passionate kissing stirs up desires that can really cloud judgement (usually in boys more than girls).

I agree with all other posters so far. Visit with your Bishop to rid yourself of any guilt and please forgive yourself. Our Father is still very proud of you and you are considered a "Chaste" daughter of God. Any future husband will be very proud of your commitment. I am very proud of my wife.

Edit-Make sure you choose your husband. Avoid to much influence by others. You have the right to gain Heavenly Fathers support when choosing a spouse. I dated my wife for two months, had no intentions of asking her to marry me at that time, and was blindsided all of a sudden. It actually scared me and it happened again. I could not deny what I experienced. I sat beside her on the couch, leaned over, and asked her to marry me. She said yes of course, began crying, and later told me that she had a similar experience and was waiting for me to ask.

Answers do not always come in the same way, but trust in God to help you make that decision.

Edited January 10, 2013 by missionary0204
Left the part out after "Edit"

[Backroads]

I agree there is definitely a limit to what you should be bothering your bishop about, but I haven't the foggiest idea where that limit is. We all hear about those people who go to the bishop for every little thing, but I bet they are outnumbered by the legitimate cases and those who truly aren't sure and who eventually learn to judge for themselves.

[skippy740]

  Backroads said:

I agree there is definitely a limit to what you should be bothering your bishop about, but I haven't the foggiest idea where that limit is. We all hear about those people who go to the bishop for every little thing, but I bet they are outnumbered by the legitimate cases and those who truly aren't sure and who eventually learn to judge for themselves.

On principle, I totally agree.

However, because this has been bothering her for a couple of years... what could've been a little thing before is no longer a little thing.

[Backroads]

  skippy740 said:

On principle, I totally agree.

However, because this has been bothering her for a couple of years... what could've been a little thing before is no longer a little thing.

Which was my attempted point. If we worry her that this is too silly a thing to bother the bishop about, we're getting her in as much trouble as if we told her to see the bishop about not telling the truth about her friend looked in her new jeans. A few "I'm just not sure if this is or is not worth troubling Bishop about but it's a big deal to me so I'll play it safe" moments do not an irritating ward member make.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Backroads

[EarlJibbs]

I concur with those stating that if it is really bothering you, see your bishop. When in doubt, ask.

For me, I hadnt felt the least of regret for kissing my gf (was soon to be wife) nice and long. But of course, that is where the temptation comes from right? And most people only feel comfortable kissing like that when alone or away from others, so yes, it is best to avoid the situation.

[J-DawgFluffy]

Am I the only one who reads this and feels disappointed in the youth program?

[Vort]

  J-DawgFluffy said:

Am I the only one who reads this and feels disappointed in the youth program?

Maybe. Kids are kids, like they have always been. They don't have much experience or knowledge, and as a result their judgment is often lacking. Doesn't make them stupid, and also doesn't mean that their teachers have failed, just that they're kids.

[J-DawgFluffy]

Well not so much as what happened as the reaction. I've actually seen it a lot, especially when I was a youth. I remember the lessons I was taught in Sunday School and YM never progressed beyond the stuff I was taught as a twelve year-old, which was it's self only a little more in substance than primary. I would hear people always worried about getting ex-communicated, even thought that pretty much would NEVER happen to youth, and things like that. They do a great job teaching the how, but not the what or why.

[RipplecutBuddha]

  J-DawgFluffy said:

Am I the only one who reads this and feels disappointed in the youth program?

Nothing is wrong with the youth program. Kids her age have been wrestling with these kinds of issues for a very long time. What she has been going through is likely as old as mankind. It's part of growing up as far as I'm concerned. The fact that she's still concerned about it at the very least shows the youth program worked enough to make an impact on her that matters. In this case I think the youth program is doing just fine.

The purpose of the church (youth program included) is to bring people back to the presence of Heavenly Father. That will always require repentance of us all. To quote Elder Jeffery R. Holland "The church is not a monestary for the protection of perfect people. Rather it is more like a hospital for those that are sick."

[J-DawgFluffy]

but what if the hospital isn't properly teaching it's patients to care for themselves...

[RipplecutBuddha]

  J-DawgFluffy said:

but what if the hospital isn't properly teaching it's patients to care for themselves...

You would seriously blame a hospital for people getting sick? People get sick. People die. It's a consequence of our natural mortal bodies. It's unavoidable.

People sin. It's unavoidable. This is the purpose for the Gospel. Youth sin. It's unavoidable. Especially in a young energetic person that has yet to experience much of what older adults consider normal life. Considering what is viewed as normal in today's society, I think it's a testament to the youth program that the young woman knew to stop when she did. It certainly could have ended on a far worse note, and in too many cases with today's youth (in and out of the church) it does.

Accountability for sin never leaves the individual who committed the act. Of course the LDS youth program could be much more strict and hard-line. My feeling is that as long as the correct principles and doctrines are being clearly presented, responibility falls on the individual thus armed with the associated knowlege.

In this case, the youth program more than covers all the bases, and has for some time.

[J-DawgFluffy]

-facepalm- you really are just reading what you want from my words. I'm gunna just leave you alone. NO point in this whatsoever.

[RipplecutBuddha]

  J-DawgFluffy said:

-facepalm- you really are just reading what you want from my words. I'm gunna just leave you alone. NO point in this whatsoever.

My reply was based on my interpretation of your previous statement, which I quoted. The sentiment I got from that quote was that you feel the youth program (and by connection the LDS church) is not 'up to date' with the current problems faced by today's teens.

If I was incorrect in my reading of your comments, I apologize, but I cannot reach any other conclusion. Let me here state that I fully believe Christ is very much the head of this church in every sense. As such, when the needs arise for changes/adaptations in specific programs, whether it be the youth, primary, or even Elder's Quorum, I fully believe the leadership most directly involved are and will ever be inspired to make said adjustments.

I'm sorry, but nobody in the church is perfect, youth leaders included. That is where faith and personal testimony come into vital play, just as it did with this young woman. The 'youth program' did not let her down. Her personal choices led her to where she is.

I'll leave off this discussion as well. I'm sorry if I upset you or offended you.

[pam]

  J-DawgFluffy said:

-facepalm- you really are just reading what you want from my words. I'm gunna just leave you alone. NO point in this whatsoever.

Actually I got the same thing out of what you posted that Ripple did.

[J-DawgFluffy]

Okay I lied, I'll try and clarify what I meant

I wasn't in youth program too long ago, (I graduated in 2008) and I served as a youth leader afterwards; I was called to YSA leadership almost a year ago. I've seen both sides of it. I do feel sometimes things should be presented in a way more relatable, and sometimes thins should be said/presented in an entirely different way. I feel like the program it's self is too focused on teaching rules and not principles. Modesty should be taught as a system of respect, not what you should and shouldn't wear. Repentance should be taught as more than just a four/five step process, which is what my first comment was specifically about. After reading this young woman's post, I felt like she hadn't been properly taught repentance and chastity. She was taught a list of rules instead of principles, and reacted to the rules. Someone of her age is capable of understand the principles if it's presented in the right way. Which, the new youth manuals actually do a good job of that I feel...

[ditd]

  J-DawgFluffy said:

Okay I lied, I'll try and clarify what I meant

I wasn't in youth program too long ago, (I graduated in 2008) and I served as a youth leader afterwards; I was called to YSA leadership almost a year ago. I've seen both sides of it. I do feel sometimes things should be presented in a way more relatable, and sometimes thins should be said/presented in an entirely different way. I feel like the program it's self is too focused on teaching rules and not principles. Modesty should be taught as a system of respect, not what you should and shouldn't wear. Repentance should be taught as more than just a four/five step process, which is what my first comment was specifically about. After reading this young woman's post, I felt like she hadn't been properly taught repentance and chastity. She was taught a list of rules instead of principles, and reacted to the rules. Someone of her age is capable of understand the principles if it's presented in the right way. Which, the new youth manuals actually do a good job of that I feel...

The Church have just introduced a new "Come follow me" program that is focused more on guided topics to be taught as appropriate for the specific young men and women within your class/unit/program.

If introduced and taught properly it should cover the things the above points about teaching respect rather than laws

Personally when I think back to being younger a lot of the youth will try to justify the bending/breaking of rules and many go through the rebellious stage where they are trying to discover where the boundaries are.

Where I agree that teaching a respect and love for the rules is the best option, sometimes it just doesn't work and they need the black and white version. I have had those stages in my younger days and there will be many after me too. It's not big or clever but it happens.

[RipplecutBuddha]

  J-DawgFluffy said:

Okay I lied, I'll try and clarify what I meant

I wasn't in youth program too long ago, (I graduated in 2008) and I served as a youth leader afterwards; I was called to YSA leadership almost a year ago. I've seen both sides of it. I do feel sometimes things should be presented in a way more relatable, and sometimes thins should be said/presented in an entirely different way. I feel like the program it's self is too focused on teaching rules and not principles. Modesty should be taught as a system of respect, not what you should and shouldn't wear. Repentance should be taught as more than just a four/five step process, which is what my first comment was specifically about. After reading this young woman's post, I felt like she hadn't been properly taught repentance and chastity. She was taught a list of rules instead of principles, and reacted to the rules. Someone of her age is capable of understand the principles if it's presented in the right way. Which, the new youth manuals actually do a good job of that I feel...

Okay, I can fully appreciate your feelings, and as far as how issues/morals are presented, well, isn't that up to the instructors themselves? I mean I was a Gospel Doctrine instructor, and I did use the manual, however I didn't just read the manual pages to the class. I tried to internalize what the most important message was to come from that lesson. I prayed for inspiration to help with this, then I prepared my lesson accordingly.

When it comes to presenting anything to the youth, I think a similar approach would be exactly what is needed.

-what is the core of this lesson?

-who am I teaching it to?

-how do I get the principles across most effectively, with the spirit helping?

Here again, I can appreciate how you feel, and maybe the quote of Joseph Smith needs to be remembered;

"I don't [govern the people]. I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."

Maybe a re-focus does need to be made on teaching principles rather than just bullet points. At the same time, most of us in the church already know that inspiration is the most important part of any teacher's calling. So yes, the manuals may benefit from a re-editing. However that doesn't absolve the instructors from seeking the spirit necessary to teach as the Lord desires, nor does it absolve the students from their responsibilities as chidren of God.

[J-DawgFluffy]

yeah, it is up to the person presenting, but youth leadership training always seemed to encourage the same old song and dance.

[RipplecutBuddha]

Which leads to the familiar phrase, the Church is perfect, the people in it are not. I might add "Nor will they be in this life." I know what you're talking about, and I agree with your observations to a degree. I simply cannot dump on the programs of the church in this case. She's repenting, and at the end of the day, that's what it's all been for from the start. We can't start casting stones at a program [read the Gospel of Christ] because it's working exactly as advertised. Yes it could have been avoided, but then ALL sin could have been avoided. The Gospel has never been about focussing on the mistakes, but about focussing on learning from them, gaining strength over them, and growing to become as God is. She's on that path, and it's due to what she was taught in church and at home. Good for her and the church.

And thank you for a great discussion as well.