Child Sex Offenders at Church

[rkhutchinson]

With all due respect, rkhutchinson, we all come at this from a variety of backgrounds; none of them invalid. Some may find statements like the above, just as patronizing as anything Dravin has said.

Yeah, I knew that wouldn't take long- and of coarse you are right:) However, no matter what background you come from it can't hurt to put yourself in someone else's shoes and show a little empathy.

[Just_A_Guy]

Yeah, I knew that wouldn't take long- and of coarse you are right:) However, no matter what background you come from it can't hurt to put yourself in someone else's shoes and show a little empathy.

Sure; as long as that goes both ways.

[Dravin]

First, I was comparing membership in the Church to other positions of trust, using teachers as an example of a position of trust. I suppose I could have used other examples like police officer, doctor, emt... The point was seeing a man in Church every Sunday, passing the sacrament, praying... induces an innocent child to trust them.

And I disagree that being a member in the Church is being in a position of trust as you are expressing it. We can disagree, that's fine, but I didn't misunderstand you.

Second, young children don't know who they can and can't trust. They trust everyone. A parent can warn and warn, their innocence makes them vulnerable.

Yep, thus the comment about potential error.

Finally, an assault occuring in the bathroom isn't a parents only concern- it is merely an apparent example of one of many places a child might be out of the sight of responsible adults.

The concern of the unattended child on the way to the bathroom has been mentioned more than once now, as it was already introduced I ran with it. Just as you didn't bother to run down every possible issue but used something as an example so did I.

Also, somewhat clueless to how a mother might feel.

How is that relevant? Where have I made an attempt to deny that you feel what you have stated? As I have not done so, nor made any statements that are predicated upon any particular awareness of how a mother might feel I don't see how it is pertinent. Now I suspect you are aiming at the idea that because I'm not a mother, or otherwise understand how a mother might feel, somehow that makes my statements weaker or invalid. I've made one assumption in this thread that has bitten me, so I'm going to double check. Is that what you were aiming for?

Maybe it takes being a parent in my present situation to completely understand the complexity of this problem.

And maybe it doesn't, maybe it doesn't take being a parent to disagree with the comparability of the position of trust of being a member of the Church and being a teacher or camp counselor. I admit this also reads like, "You aren't a parent, you aren't qualified to opine." Is that correct? Or am I mistaken?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I guess I should add...I work with teenage sex offenders at a residential treatment facility.

I know this is extremely odd given that I am a survivor, but I have kids older than most of these boys so they don't feel threatening to me. And I work graveyard, so I don't actually interact with them much. Or work on their treatment with them...I could not do that.

The point is, I believe rehabilitation is possible...most of these kids were vicitms as well. That said, I would NEVER allow my daughter to date one of them, or leave any of my children alone with a "rehabilitated" offender. But I do have hope that with treatment, and the Atonement that there is hope for even these. I think the younger treatment starts the better...

[Dravin]

Yeah, I knew that wouldn't take long- and of coarse you are right:) However, no matter what background you come from it can't hurt to put yourself in someone else's shoes and show a little empathy.

Here is the thing, given the context, "show a little empathy" looks a lot like, "Don't disagree with me." At least from where I'm sitting. I understand that this is an emotionally charged issue for you, it would be for me, that is why I've been calm, collected, and polite to you. Disagreeing with someone's comparison isn't rude. I even acknowledge the concern of a predator in church and made additional suggestions/references to steps that could be taken. Maybe it's a text medium tone issue, but I don't see where I failed to show empathy.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Dravin

[rkhutchinson]

And I disagree that being a member in the Church is being in a position of trust as you are expressing it. We can disagree, that's fine, but I didn't misunderstand you.

Yep, thus the comment about potential error.

The concern of the unattended child on the way to the bathroom has been mentioned more than once now, as it was already introduced I ran with it. Just as you didn't bother to run down every possible issue but used something as an example so did I.

How is that relevant? Where have I made an attempt to deny that you feel what you have stated? As I have not done so, nor made any statements that are predicated upon any particular awareness of how a mother might feel I don't see how it is pertinent. Now I suspect you are aiming at the idea that because I'm not a mother, or otherwise understand how a mother might feel, somehow that makes my statements weaker or invalid. I've made one assumption in this thread that has bitten me, so I'm going to double check. Is that what you were aiming for?

And maybe it doesn't, maybe it doesn't take being a parent to disagree with the comparability of the position of trust of being a member of the Church and being a teacher or camp counselor. I admit this also reads like, "You aren't a parent, you aren't qualified to opine." Is that correct? Or am I mistaken?

I guess what I meant to say, is that you come across somewhat adversarial- like this is a debate that you are trying to win. It seems you would rather argue than acknowledge someone's concerns or feelings. My guess is that you are a nice person who probably doesn't mean to offend people and I'm sorry I offended you. Of coarse, you are entitled to your opinion- but, based on your comments, I don't think you understand the level of fear and anxiety this is causing the parents in my branch.

[Guest DeborahC]

I agree with RK.

Maybe this is a discussion that should be limited to survivors and people who are empathetic or who at least validate their fears and feelings. Our wounds are healing, but remain tender. Please don't pour salt on them.

Maybe those who don't fit into the above category should just stand by and watch and listen and learn.

Maybe...

[Dravin]

I guess what I meant to say, is that you come across somewhat adversarial- like this is a debate that you are trying to win. It seems you would rather argue than acknowledge someone's concerns or feelings.

This is a discussion list, if I agree with you, I'll tell you. If I disagree with you, I'll tell you and very often why. That I disagree with you, and of course if I agree with you, is not a refusal to acknowledge your concerns or feelings. Indeed for me to disagree with you I must first acknowledge the position that I'm disagreeing with or building off of.

Of coarse, you are entitled to your opinion- but, based on your comments, I don't think you understand the level of fear and anxiety this is causing the parents in my branch.

Or maybe I do. Don't assume just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they don't understand you. People can understand each other and still disagree.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Dravin

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with RK.

Maybe this is a discussion that should be limited to survivors and people who are empathetic or who at least validate their fears and feelings. Our wounds are healing, but remain tender. Please don't pour salt on them.

Maybe those who don't fit into the above category should just stand by and watch and listen and learn.

Maybe...

Deborah -

If you're talking about what survivors should be/do think and feel, in isolation, then I agree with you.

But my recollection is that the thrust of this discussion was about who should and shouldn't be allowed in Church. Survivors of sex abuse are not the only (pardon the pun) "stakeholder" in that decision, and I think it unhelpful to deliberately exclude anyone from the discussion just because the survivor admits him/herself unable or unwilling to tolerate a contrary opinion.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Just_A_Guy

[Tough Grits]

A few thoughts, from someone who a) has three daughters under 6 years old, b) is an attorney who has been co-counsel on some criminal cases involving molestation of teenaged girls as well as child-on-child offenses, and c) is a recovering porn addict who had to try to use the Atonement to manage urges that seemed uncontrollable and attended group meetings with people who were even worse off than I was. Also, d) my wife's best friend was repeatedly raped by her step-father beginning at the age of fourteen; and I've seen the fallout that continues even fifteen years later.

1) Even sex offenders are people. [...] horribly, tragically sick children of our Heavenly Father.

Yes. Agreed. If only their sickness didn't cause so much pain and destruction to the most precious among us.

Are there any studies about the nature/nurture aspect of sexual offenders? Born sick? Abused and then became sick? Both? Because I know some who have been victims and then did NOT become abusers. Does gender play into it? Are female victims less likely to become abusers themselves?

2) "Pedophile" - and indeed, sex offender [...] are catch-all terms that involve a lot of different offenses of varying severity.

Yes, but I think the thread was intended to be about child predators. I am not sure if the mental illness for preying on children is the same or different than the mental illness for crimes against adults. I have heard that adult sexual crimes are not about sex, but rather about power (True? Not true?). I, personally, think sexual crimes against children are NOT about power. I think it is a true perversion, an abomination that is so heinous...it defies comprehension. Not to say the crimes against adults are not heinous, but to think of predators violating an infant or child truly borders on evil in it's most raw form.

3) The research about recidivism amongst convicted sex offenders is all over the place and often generalizes [...] I am extremely dubious about claims that "none of them change"

How could this ever be proven or disproven? Maybe some get so old that they can't continue abusing? Can we ever know if individuals who commit such abominations, and have done so repeatedly, are able to stop abusing or fantasizing of such abuse?

4) As members of the Church we are under covenant to each other to bear each other's burdens. The scripture doesn't qualify that by saying we only have to bear the burdens that are pleasant or easy or convenient or non-disgusting. As Dravin pointed out earlier: once the Lord's divinely appointed authorities have decided that someone is truly penitent and worthy enter into that covenant, then - while we can and should take reasonable steps to make sure that covenant is not abused in such a way as to endanger our kids - we do not have, from a theological perspective, the option to simply walk away from or selectively apply that covenant of mutual support.

Agreed. The Holy Ghost is an invaluable source of comfort and guidance. Truly, much peace and many answers can be received by simply being still and allowing the Holy Ghost to speak to us.

5) I'm not aware of any scripture that says that the healing power of the Atonement, as it applies to the victim, is contingent on the death.

Agreed. Not sure anybody said that on this thread. Maybe the sentiment is that by the person's death they feel better. That is between the survivor and God how they feel about their abuser. I was able to forgive my abuser and move on, but not all have the same experience. Also, what happened to me--though awful enough--may not be the same magnitude as what others had to endure from their abuser. I think all on this thread are aware that the Atonement applies to all who would accept it. Resurrection comes to all who had a body, but the Atonement applies to those who accept the sacrifice that was made on their behalf, that accept Christ, and who come unto him through the principles and ordinances of the gospel (faith, repentance, baptism, and gift of the Holy Ghost).

7) The fact that such offenses, and such people, exist, is a tragedy. Animus is a natural reaction, but I submit it is counter-productive in the long run.

Agreed. Animus is never good, no matter what the topic of discussion is. However, discussion can be positive and healing. It can allow hearts to be softened and minds to open, as long as there is mutual respect and civility within the discussion.

8) ToughGrits has been asking some really awesome questions.

Only because I truly care about this issue. I am not debating. I want to understand, I want to have compassion, and above all--I want to be what Christ wants me to be. Even if this means forgiving a sexual offender.

But I also want to be vigilant and to do what I need to do to fulfill my obligation as a mother and steward over Heavenly Father's children.

We have been talking about "our" children or "my" children...but I know that my kids are not really mine...they belong to Heavenly Father first. He is only letting me raise them here on earth.

THIS is why vengeance belongs to the Lord. Christ paid the price for us. Though Heavenly Father is our spiritual father, Christ ransomed us and now we have, in a sense, become his.

This does not mean we throw God's children to the wolves...it just means that whatever happens, it is happening to one of HIS children, and the pain He feels is surely greater than whatever we feel. Not only is somebody hurting one of His children, but it happens to be one of His other children who is causing the offense! Can we know that pain? Can we truly know what God feels or thinks about that?

Our Savior suffered our sins and our pains. If we will come unto him, we will not have to bear the burden...for he bears it for us. If we will repent and be as he is, then we can be spotless and live with God again.

All this is true, and surely we all know it on this thread. But sharing our experiences, sharing our thoughts, sharing our faith, and sharing our testimonies CAN help.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Tough Grits
TYPO!!!!!

[Guest DeborahC]

Deborah -

If you're talking about what survivors should be/do think and feel, in isolation, then I agree with you.

But my recollection is that the thrust of this discussion was about who should and shouldn't be allowed in Church. Survivors of sex abuse are not the only (pardon the pun) "stakeholder" in that decision, and I think it unhelpful to deliberately exclude anyone from the discussion just because the survivor admits him/herself unable or unwilling to tolerate a contrary opinion.

Yes, I agree with you.

You're right.

[Just_A_Guy]

Yes. Agreed. If only their sickness didn't cause so much pain and destruction to the most precious among us.

Are there any studies about the nature/nurture aspect of sexual offenders? Born sick? Abused and then became sick? Both? Because I know some who have been victims and then did NOT become abusers. Does gender play into it? Are female victims less likely to become abusers themselves? . . . .

I have heard that adult sexual crimes are not about sex, but rather about power (True? Not true?). I, personally, think sexual crimes against children are NOT about power.

I can't claim to be fully conversant with the literature. My gut instinct is that it's ultimately going to boil down to the same factors that influence any other sexual orientation (though at the moment it's very un-PC to suggest that); and I think forcible rape of a child is to pedophilia as standard rape is to heterosexuality--it's a conjunction of sexual attraction plus power. (And, in some cases - ie otherwise straight males engaging in prison rape - it's all about power.)

The thing about pedophiles is that in this cultural climate, no one--but no one--is going to admit to a sexual attraction to children. So the only ones we identify, are the ones who have already acted on it--the researchers are forced to work with a severely skewed sample. We have no idea how many people are attracted to children but spend a lifetime successfully repressing those urges. Moreover, the waters are further muddied by the impressionability of children generally, the difficulty in interviewing them, their susceptibility to suggestion, and the "repressed memories revealed via hypnosis" - of which we had a huge spat in the 1980s and 1990s, and many of which turned out to be spurious. There's a very real possibility that, once a pedophile is identified and the cops (and well-meaning family members) begin interviewing other children of the perp's acquaintance, you're going to wind up with some false positives.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Just_A_Guy

[rkhutchinson]

Okay- so now it is time to think about preparing for the Sabbath. To tidy up the house, think about tomorrow's meal, lay out church clothes and shoes... and I don't feel good about going to church. I am filled with dread and anxiety. Arguments about every sinner's right for atonement aside- what should I do? How do I make this situation right in my heart and safe for my children?

I sincerely appreciate everyone's, even Dravin's :) , discussion of this issue. I am the only member on my side of the family. Most of their advice was to find another church, preferably baptist. It is nice that there is a larger family of brothers and sisters in Christ to turn to.

[Backroads]

Having caught up on 14 pages...

Thoughts:

• This has been a truly thought-provoking thread and I appreciate reading all the different perspectives.

• My feelings on the punishment of child sex offenders is even more extreme than DeborahC's and I will not be sharing in detail just what I feel should happen to them because I expressed it to several close friends and was told I need mental help. I will only say that I have to temper it with Christ-like thoughts.

• Looking at the OP itself and directly-related posts... I think the best solution would be to keep CSOs out of church buildings. I realize there are some caveats to this (how long? all CSOs? Can the Church legally do this? etc) but in cases such as the one at hand, the ideal solution would be to have weekly home teacher visits, regular bishopric visits, sacrament at home, other such spiritually-uplifting meetings so this man is not denied the gospel he seeks. Even a buddy system, even having the man surrounded by a whole force of armed agents, is still going to build familiarity with any child.

• Having said that, I believe it's impossible to keep any child 100% safe and any parent who believes it to be possible is probably damaging their kids. Fact is, we can't always know who is a sex offender. We don't know who has such urges and just hasn't been yet caught. I believe it damages our children as well as our society to assume the worst about strangers until proven otherwise (I would even go so far to say that such a mindset is of Satan and an attempt to destroy family and community).

• Thus teaching our children reasonable cautionary measures (just because you shouldn't automatically assume everyone is dangerous doesn't mean you should go skipping off with anyone) is probably the best defense. Let's also throw in the ability to build trust with your own children (or any child under your care) so that problems can be dealt with as early as possible.

[Backroads]

Okay- so now it is time to think about preparing for the Sabbath. To tidy up the house, think about tomorrow's meal, lay out church clothes and shoes... and I don't feel good about going to church. I am filled with dread and anxiety. Arguments about every sinner's right for atonement aside- what should I do? How do I make this situation right in my heart and safe for my children?

I sincerely appreciate everyone's, even Dravin's :) , discussion of this issue. I am the only member on my side of the family. Most of their advice was to find another church, preferably baptist. It is nice that there is a larger family of brothers and sisters in Christ to turn to.

While I'm against too much hovering...

Consider visiting Primary with your kids for the next few weeks? It's probably not necessary, but it might be good for your own peace of mind.

[rkhutchinson]

While I'm against too much hovering...

Consider visiting Primary with your kids for the next few weeks? It's probably not necessary, but it might be good for your own peace of mind.

Thank you for your thoughtful input. I agree with much of what you said.

Here's the thing about hovering- I can do it for the next few weeks, months, even year. I think most of the women in the branch will be clucking around like crazy mother hens- for awhile. Then, as some time passes w/o incident people will relax and not be as vigilant. This is a charming man, who I am sure will win back trust of the people around him - just like he did after he molested his daughters. He even convinced one of his daughters that he had truly repented and changed. She believed him until he molested her daughter.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

We have been discussing an ADULT sex offender. My comment was directly along those lines. Someone 18 or older who is convicted of sex crimes, their information is public information, just got to search it. . .

And yes, I am very well aware that sex offenders, many of them, start young.

Bini, my comment was not intended to argue with you, just to point out to ANYONE who may not be aware of the information about teenage sex offenders.

[M_T_E]

Is there anyone willing to share their opinion on convicted child sex offenders being allowed in the meetinghouse? What is the official policy and/or legal issues?

This is a touchy subject to many I assume, I apologize but I haven't taken the time to read all 11 pages worth of replies before giving my own insight.

I had a friend who was convicted in his early teen years, he was a victim himself. He was fortunate enough to have been caught at a young age though and he entered a local treatment program that lasted two years for him.

At first I judged him and so did my family, however as I watched him progress over those two years I eventually forgave him for what he did to his victim I learned a great deal from him about his mindset and what not.

He has since been rehabilitated and been a productive member of society. He attended college, received a Bachelors and is now working at a marketing firm.

He is an example of someone misguided and led astray at a young age because he was a victim himself.

However... I knew one kid in high school that was a literal predator. When he got caught, word spread fast. I had known him, while we never talked much he was always a bit of an odd ball and just gave me weird vibes. Turns out he had 26 victims. He served time and when I was attending a community college his photograph popped up on the boards and a warning to not leave children unattended around him,

The way I see it when it comes to people who have taken this path in life, some can be shown the error of their ways and learn, ask for forgiveness and try to make things right.

Others, will never change.

[Suzie]

After reading all these pages I have two thoughts I would like to share:

1. Like it was stated, this is an emotionally charged topic specially for those who unfortunately went through this horrible type of abuse that leaves scars for life. I think all of us (specially those who did not experience it) should probably be sensitive enough to understand, empathize and show a little compassion.

For them (people who experienced this sort of abuse), this topic is NOT about US agreeing or disagreeing with them, it is NOT about who is right or who is wrong. For them, this is about their feelings being validated, it is about understanding why their fears may seem exaggerated, it is about understanding they are literally terrified that a little innocent child somewhere might have to go through the same pain and suffering they went and continue going through every day. And yes, unless you are a parent you don't know what the heck you are talking about.

This isn't about forgiveness, this isn't about the Atonement, this isn't about whether the person can change or not, this is about SAFETY which leads me to my second and last point:

2. Personally, if as a parent I feel my child (for whatever circumstance) is not safe at Church, I won't be there with him/her. If as a parent, I must choose between going to Church and the safety of my child, I choose the safety of my child (that's a no brainer). You can share all the scriptures you want in the BOM, the Bible, your testimony, what have you...IF I FEEL MY CHILD IS NOT SAFE IN A CERTAIN PLACE (and that includes Church) HE/SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE THERE.

My two cents.

[rkhutchinson]

After reading all these pages I have two thoughts I would like to share:

1. Like it was stated, this is an emotionally charged topic specially for those who unfortunately went through this horrible type of abuse that leaves scars for life. I think all of us (specially those who did not experience it) should probably be sensitive enough to understand, empathize and show a little compassion.

For them (people who experienced this sort of abuse), this topic is NOT about US agreeing or disagreeing with them, it is NOT about who is right or who is wrong. For them, this is about their feelings being validated, it is about understanding why their fears may seem exaggerated, it is about understanding they are literally terrified that a little innocent child somewhere might have to go through the same pain and suffering they went and continue going through every day. And yes, unless you are a parent you don't know what the heck you are talking about.

This isn't about forgiveness, this isn't about the Atonement, this isn't about whether the person can change or not, this is about SAFETY which leads me to my second and last point:

2. Personally, if as a parent I feel my child (for whatever circumstance) is not safe at Church, I won't be there with him/her. If as a parent, I must choose between going to Church and the safety of my child, I choose the safety of my child (that's a no brainer). You can share all the scriptures you want in the BOM, the Bible, your testimony, what have you...IF I FEEL MY CHILD IS NOT SAFE IN A CERTAIN PLACE (and that includes Church) HE/SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE THERE.

My two cents.

What you say rings true to me even if it is not the company reply.

[skippy740]

The #1 job parents have within the Church is to be the parent - to raise, protect and nurture children.

Everything else is secondary.

[Backroads]

I doubt anyone will fault you for not putting your child in a dangerous place, even if it means skipping out on some standard church actions. However, I really don't think avoiding church is the best first step. I believe that as long as the ward has taken reasonable precautions and your kid knows you want him to avoid so-n-so, there's no reason to avoid church.

The only pause I have is when we truly start ostracizing others from the gospel. Not from the church building, not from our circle of close friends, but from the gospel (which is what I believe some here pointed out). We can certainly say "I avoid Brother/Sister So-n-SO because he/she is a child predator" but we have no right to say they will be denied whatever blessing.

Now, child safety is a big deal and I believe it is worthy of real caution and real thought. However, where is the line? We avoid church because there is a registered sex offender in the ward. We avoid church because there might be a registered sex offender in the ward. We avoid church because maybe someone is an uncaught pedophile. This can go all the way down to We avoid church because we don't like so-n-so.

Again, if you really believe your child will be in danger from a sex offender at church, do what you need to do. I just think we also need to be careful about the mindset that can evolve from this situation. I understand that I cannot truly understand what a victim has felt. But I also believe there are big differences between real and imagined fears.

Is it worth indulging an imagined, unfounded fear if it means avoiding our gospel duties (not attending church can lead to greater spiritual problems) and accusing others of imagined things?

Edited January 20, 2013 by Backroads

[Suzie]

We avoid church because there is a registered sex offender in the ward. We avoid church because there might be a registered sex offender in the ward. We avoid church because maybe someone is an uncaught pedophile. This can go all the way down to We avoid church because we don't like so-n-so.

Really? I don't think so. If we believe the story shared in the OP, the sex offender in question is not a suspected pedophile, he IS a sex offender who will be attending Church tomorrow. I have a very hard time believing that someone would avoid Church because "maybe someone is an uncaught pedophile". There IS justified reason (IMO) for the fear and anxiety some people feel and that it was expressed in this thread.

I agree with you though that avoiding Church it's not a good first measure (I would think that a person would first do everything in his/her power to try to resolve the issue) however, if this is not the case or the parent feel the measures taken aren't sufficient, I think it's their most important responsibility to ensure the safety of their children.

[Backroads]

Really? I don't think so. If we believe the story shared in the OP, the sex offender in question is not a suspected pedophile, he IS a sex offender who will be attending Church tomorrow. I have a very hard time believing that someone would avoid Church because "maybe someone is an uncaught pedophile". There IS justified reason (IMO) for the fear and anxiety some people feel and that it was expressed in this thread.

I agree with you though that avoiding Church it's not a good first measure (I would think that a person would first do everything in his/her power to try to resolve the issue) however, if this is not the case or the parent feel the measures taken aren't sufficient, I think it's their most important responsibility to ensure the safety of their children.

Oh, if you know the person is a sex offender, there's no question. He is a sex offender. Do what you need to do. My point is when we start looking for excuses to be afraid and begin making up reasons. There's a legitimate difference between someone being a sex offender and the unfounded guess someone is a sex offender and making decisions without looking further into the situation. The latter is how reputations are destroyed. I have witnessed this very thing. Someone, who tragically was a victim, made unfounded accusations in a ward. Stopped coming to church, and told everyone it was because she thought so-n-so was a pedophile. Just because she happened to fit a few signs.

It's not so much the actions that bother me, it's the mindset of unfounded fear and making decisions based on it. People may not start at the paranoid idea someone is an uncaught pedophile, but there is a slope, especially if one has truly experienced a bad situation.

Edited January 20, 2013 by Backroads

[Tough Grits]

I really don't think avoiding church is the best first step. I believe that as long as the ward has taken reasonable precautions and your kid knows you want him to avoid so-n-so, there's no reason to avoid church.

I agree. Not attending church will only cause more heartache, but for so many other reasons.

Now, child safety is a big deal and I believe it is worthy of real caution and real thought. However, where is the line? We avoid church because there is a registered sex offender in the ward. We avoid church because there might be a registered sex offender in the ward. We avoid church because maybe someone is an uncaught pedophile. This can go all the way down to We avoid church because we don't like so-n-so.

Yes, and I think this happens more often than we realize. Still, I don't want to dismiss anybody's fears or feelings. I just worry that pulling away from the ward family and from Sunday services would be harmful spiritually.

But only rkhutchinson can make that call. I just want to reiterate that we are not left alone or without guidance from our Father in Heaven. He cares, He listens, and He answers. Prayer can bring peace and the Holy Ghost can provide guidance. ~TG