Please, advice for my friend!

[nellyleyva92]

Hello everyone. One of my best friends just told me about some trouble she's having with her boyfriend. They've been together for years!!! Probably more than 5 years. I'm sorry this is long.

We just wait for the day they finally will get married because they look happy and comfortable with each other and we all believe they have a healthy relationship. They live almost like a married couple without the living together thing, kids and an actual marriage.

My friend is just telling me his boyfriend is always postponing the proposal, though the always talk about marriage, (mainly because she brings up the topic) he says he's probably going to finally propose months later and that they probably will get married next year. But he's mentioned he's scared about it.

So far, that is kind of normal, but she told me something he told her that is just scary and a huge red flag to me. He told her:

"It's just that sometimes I see beautiful girls and I am natural mal and natural man is enemy to God and I say to myself I have my girlfriend but I don't have nothing to remind me the commitment, like a ring, you see? We better get married and have some babies to remind me I am with you"

Isn't he a potential cheater?!

When she asked him if she could see handsome men too, he said "Now that would be a different thing..." Potential emotional abuser or a controlling husband?

She's now telling me things she's seen lately like texts in his cell phone from friends asking him to buy them alcohol and they would pay later, he hides things from her, he sometimes gets angry when they talk about marriage again, he says he's got no money for wedding dresses but that he buys other unnecessary and expensive stuff, or that they fight when she reminds him to go to the temple instead of hanging out with his friends. But he has told her not to hang out with her friends because "they are friends of the world and bad influences for her." (They're not!)

I can't believe this since he's apparently an outstanding leader in the ward and the stake, he's like the most spiritual guy in the ward and we all have a good opinion him. We used to think they would make a good husband and father, but now I don't know :S

So what do you think? To me he's shown several red flags. But what can I tell her? What advice can I give her? They've been together for what it seems an eternity and she loves him and marrying him has been her hope for years, and this stuff has been coming up just recently.

Edited January 30, 2013 by nellyleyva92

[NeuroTypical]

Why on earth would he want to bother with getting married? She's giving him what he wants without marriage, and he gets to keep the door open if he ever gets bored with her or tired of her. Sounds like a great deal for someone interested in sex without commitment.

[Bini]

No relationship, be it marriage or friendship, is without flaw.

Anyway, we can't save people from themselves or the crazy decisions they choose to make but if asked your opinion, give your honest response. They can take it, leave it, do whatever they want with it. And if it becomes a situation you'd rather have no part in, then give appropriate space between you and the drama.

[Guest DeborahC]

My advice?

Leave now.

Find someone who values her and WANTS marriage.

She can waste a lot of good years waiting and hoping

If he wanted to get married, he would.

He is probably not a bad guy, just sure of what he doesn't want.

Edited January 30, 2013 by DeborahC

[Vort]

You cannot give her any advice. She has chosen her path, and now she's walking it. Calling her to repentance (or suggesting she quit fornicating with her long-term lover, which amounts to the same thing) won't go anywhere. The decision has to come from her. I assume she knows better, so until she wants to start living in accordance with her principles, things won't change.

[selek]

Immutable Truth of Life #293: Your girlfriend doesn't want a solution, she wants a shoulder to cry on.

Immutable Truth of Life #294: You're not getting the whole picture.

One of the problems of dragging family and friends into "marital" problems is that it creates a false impression of one's loved one.

You (this is a rhetorical "you", not an accusation) vent about hubby to your parents or your friends because they are naturally going to take your side. You get validation, sympathy, and get to offload your frustrations onto others. It's an emotional release.

Then you reconcile with hubby- but your friends and family still carry that layer of irritation and condemnation. Like plaque on an artery wall, the impresson has been formed.

Repeat often enough, and they've formed a definite picture of hubby- and it's not a pretty one.

I'm willing to bet a key-lime cheesecake that if you were to turn around and tell your girlfriend what you just told us and she'd deny every word.

One other note: several posters have jumped to the conclusion that they are actually sleeping together. I must have missed where that was stated, because I just don't see it.

Is it a logical assumption? In today's culture, yes.

Was it stated plainly? No.

It also contradicts the OP's characterization of this man as "an outstanding leader in the ward and the stake" and "the most spiritual guy in the ward and we all have a good opinion [of] him."

Is it impossible that he's both? Of course not- but let's stick to the available facts rather than making assumptions.

Yes- there are a lot of red flags.

Otherwise, I'm in one-hundred percent agreement with Bini in Post #3.

Edited January 30, 2013 by selek

[MorningStar]

I would simply ask my friend, "Why don't you think you deserve a guy who can't wait to marry you?" Then I'd let her think about it and make her decision.

[mdfxdb]

So they've been together for 5years, and he hasn't proposed? Am I the only one who thinks this is a problem? Why is she wastingher time? On top of that there are several relationship red-flags...

My advice is to cut him loose, and find someone who does want to be with her.

[beefche]

Considering that the OP is 20 years old, I'm guessing her friend is the same age. Which means she has probably been with this guy since she was around 14.

[mdfxdb]

doesn't change my advice. If that is in fact the case then I would encourage her to date other people and experience life a little bit more

[MomInBabylon]

Wait, where does it say she is having sex with him? If I were her friend, I would suggest she try dating other people especially if she is so young! If he hasn't proposed by now why would he suddenly decide to?

[Vort]

One other note: several posters have jumped to the conclusion that they are actually sleeping together. I must have missed where that was stated, because I just don't see it.

Wait, where does it say she is having sex with him?

I assumed it based on the following (admittedly imprecise) wording:

We just wait for the day they finally will get married because they look happy and comfortable with each other and we all believe they have a healthy relationship. They live almost like a married couple without the living together thing, kids and an actual marriage.

I don't know what this means, but if it does not mean sex, then since they are not sharing a living space, how else do two people "live almost like a married couple"? Does she mean they go see movies together? Pay bills together? Bicker when they're stressed out? Make dental appointments for each other?

[Bini]

I made the assumption that they were sexually active. OP, is this incorrect?

[MorningStar]

I didn't get that impression because the girlfriend encourages him to go to the temple.

[NightSG]

From personal experience, if it takes years of a serious relationship to talk yourself into a commitment, then you're talking yourself into the wrong commitment.

[nellyleyva92]

Considering that the OP is 20 years old, I'm guessing her friend is the same age. Which means she has probably been with this guy since she was around 14.

Oh no Beefche, she must be like 25, I'm not sure hehe

[nellyleyva92]

I assumed it based on the following (admittedly imprecise) wording:

I don't know what this means, but if it does not mean sex, then since they are not sharing a living space, how else do two people "live almost like a married couple"? Does she mean they go see movies together? Pay bills together? Bicker when they're stressed out? Make dental appointments for each other?

Yes! they actually pay bills together and make dental appointments for each other!!!

I don't think they're having sex! I mean, mmm... how can I explain? They don't live with their parents, they live alone in separate apartments but it's like...they have a marriage already? Because they both provide for their "family"? (They're not a "family" though) What they earn in their jobs is for both's food, their home expenses, their medicines, clothing, school tuitions (!).... she cooks for him, they eat together, they go grocery shopping together, (In summary, they share incomings and expenses), they have their car, they go together in their car to visit each other's families out of state. He always drives her everywhere, (or viceversa if she has to use the car) etc. Crazy! That's why everyone is like "why the heck don't you get married once and for all?" And yeah, she desperately wants him to propose, and start living together, and have kids I guess.

By what he told her, I guess he doesn't really love her, what he saids sounds to me like "I like other women and I would like to date them, but then I remember I have the RESPONSIBILITY to be with you, darn it!! "

I don't know if I have already made my point hehe sorry I wasn't clear from the beginning!

Edited January 31, 2013 by nellyleyva92

[nellyleyva92]

Wait, where does it say she is having sex with him? If I were her friend, I would suggest she try dating other people especially if she is so young! If he hasn't proposed by now why would he suddenly decide to?

You're right! Probably her mind is telling her the same! but her heart says: You love him, then don' t lose the hope and keep waiting!"

Ahh... love makes people blind.

Besides, here in Oaxaca, Mexico the lack of good options to date is depressing!!!! LOL. I guess that's why many couples here are afraid to break off bad relationships just because they feel they will end up "forever alone".

[Vort]

The whole situation sounds just bizarre to me. If she wants to get married and he doesn't want to marry her, the solution seems obvious; she starts looking for someone she likes who does want to marry her.

Maybe it's a cultural thing. If this is a common situation in Mexico, then there is a cultural divide that I'm not qualified to bridge.

[beefche]

I'd rather be forever alone than with someone who wants to be with someone else.

[derblitzenator]

Anybody that dates 5 years without a commitment needs to provide an ultimatim or just walk away. You don't want to waste too many of your prime dating years on somebody who refuses to commit. You are likely to find someone who values you more if you keep searching.

The red flags mentioned are disconcerting, but should be viewed in the context of the 5 year relationship. She definitely has enough information now to make a clear cut decision about whether he's the right guy. She should have known enough within a year to decide.

[nellyleyva92]

Thanks for your honest thoughts on the situation. I guess it's clear for everyone that the guy doesn't really want to marry her.

It's going to be hard for her to break it off, because she does love the guy,...bah... I doubt she will have the courage to do it, but I will try to convince her to do it anyway. Probably reading your responses will help. Some friends of her still advice her to "fight for their love" and "give it some time"-.- (More time?!?!) She will see I am not the only one who thinks she would leave.

Thank you so much everyone ,I always get wise, honest and down-to-earth opinions in this forum :) My friend will be grateful with your opinions too.

[ACommonMan]

There are too many problems in this story to really grasp what advice to give. She wants to get married, he doesn't, but he's the one who said they need to get married to prevent him from having an affair? This sounds like a poorly worded joke. I wouldn't worry about it as a real indicator of behavior, particularly if the Spirit has always told you he's a good guy.

However, I'm confused by claiming he's respected at ward and stake levels, but he buys beer for people and refuses to go to the Temple. There are pieces of this story which are missing. Why is he buying the alcohol? Is it for minors, to young to get them selves? Is it business outings where he feels pressured to take a turn buying the next round, even though he's only drinking soda?

The best advice, based on what I think that I know about their situation, is that she needs to determine if they are capable of agreeing on their future. Two years in a committed relationship without getting married is too long, in my opinion. Five years is ridiculous. If it all makes sense to her, then don't get in the way. If she's frustrated and wants help, support her and suggest she speak with her Bishop. (Do they have the same Bishop?)

The bottom line is that she needs to make sure that she's living her life in line with Christ. Even in Oaxaca, since you implied the is a ward and a stake, there are more options than this one guy. She doesn't need to feel like she has to accept the first LDS guy who smiles at her.

[kim786]

Hii i read your problem which is facing by your friend . I get what she has to do one thing talk to him at once the actual reason behind all this. If he comfortable agree to give her answer to all the problem then ,she would stay with him otherwise its all waste of time with him. Then its better for you to move away from his life and search any other who cares for you with this relationship.

Edited February 2, 2013 by estradling75