Tithing Affecting My Marriage? :(

[Pfletcher]

I'm studying Mormonism and having missionaries regularly visit my home to pray with me and teach me and my children. My husband was interested as well in the beginning of our meetings. I'm reading, studying, researching and praying about everything I have to discern. But then the issue came up of TITHING the ten percent, as specified by the Church and allegedly, by God.

I was raised Southern Baptist. Our family was poor. We did tithe but we didn't often have ten percent. My parents prayed and discussed and even budged what we would tithe. Sometimes my mother would give more to the Church and when she did, we went without (and I mean SERIOUSLY went without...food, shoes, clothes, etc. We'd have to get hand-me-downs and wear clothes and shoes that were not weather appropriate or had holes in them until someone donated to us).

I'm not in the above mentioned position exactly, but it's not easy either. I'm a working Mom of four kids. My husband is a SAHD. He can't go back to work because in our small town, what he would make would not even be half of what I make. I'd have to stop working if he went back to work because we have an infant with a heart defect at home. We also have a kindegartener who goes to school part time only, and two special needs kids with many medicals and psychiatric needs. We don't have health insurance so it's very costly on our family to keep up with our family's needs. I make around 50k per year (maximum) and I'm self employed.

When I discussed the rule of TITHING to my husband, he made it very clear that he disapproved. He said it would tear our marriage apart, and our family. I don't know what to do! The sisters are coming over today and I'm going to tell them what I'm telling you all. Now I feel like I'm not rich enough for God.

[Wingnut]

I'm studying Mormonism and having missionaries regularly visit my home to pray with me and teach me and my children. My husband was interested as well in the beginning of our meetings. I'm reading, studying, researching and praying about everything I have to discern. But then the issue came up of TITHING the ten percent, as specified by the Church and allegedly, by God.

Not sure what you mean by "allegedly," but it sounds (from the rest of your post) like you haven't prayed about tithing at all, and neither has your husband. Ten percent is a lot, and if you don't have a testimony of it, then it won't work for you. But if you pray about it, and receive a confirmation from the Spirit that the Lord wants you to pay it, then it gets a little easier to swallow. The sisters will probably tell you the same thing. At the very least, they'll ask if you've prayed about it.

[Pfletcher]

Not sure what you mean by "allegedly," but it sounds (from the rest of your post) like you haven't prayed about tithing at all, and neither has your husband. Ten percent is a lot, and if you don't have a testimony of it, then it won't work for you. But if you pray about it, and receive a confirmation from the Spirit that the Lord wants you to pay it, then it gets a little easier to swallow. The sisters will probably tell you the same thing. At the very least, they'll ask if you've prayed about it.

I did pray about it. I did not receive a testimony. As a matter of fact the night I prayed about it, I had horrible dreams and woke up feeling that it was not what I should do.

[Vort]

Fwiw, the word tithing means "tenth". This is not a definition made up by Mormons.

I am the sole wage-earner of a family of seven. We have always paid tithing. Always. And we get by all right.

[Anddenex]

Welcome to LDS.net Pfletcher,

As of right now members of the Church should be paying tithing. I am similar to Vort, with a family of seven, and we have always paid our tithing.

Your situation is different. It appears you are not as of yet a member of the Church, or are you? If you are not a member of the Church, then you have no obligation before the Lord to pay tithing (to the LDS Church). If you are not a member, as of yet, and your husband is adamantly against it, then you shouldn't pay it.

If you decide to become a member, then speak with your Bishop, who would become a Judge in Israel to you and your family. Speak with him regarding your circumstance.

We had a family once in our ward, her husband was not a member but she was. A little different seeing he is the one that earned the money however, but she spoke with her Bishop, explained the issue, and each year (when temple recommends were issued yearly) she still received a temple recommend, and the Bishop agreed that she was a full tithe payer according to her situation.

I am also inline with Wingnut and a little confused pertaining to your wording "allegedly, by God." Tithing has been given by God, nothing supposed here.

[Gwen]

Tithing is one of those things that no one will be able to convince you is true or "real". You do it or you don't; you learn for yourself or you don't. Most teach tithing with antidote stories. I wish I could offer you more but I can't. Most stories show some kind of immediate reward for paying tithing. Mine doesn't and that's about all I can say for what makes mine different. So here is mine.

Things had always been tight (still are but getting better). Sometimes very very tight. We always broke at 0 or slightly under by payday. I did worry about where we'd get the money for the things we needed. We had young children, my husband was the sole wage earner. I will admit to sometimes getting so upset and pleading with god about what we did that was so wrong "we pay our tithing, you promised, why aren't you taking care of us." We spent yrs in this financially tight way of living. And then my husband's ex decided she was taking us to court to increase the child support. We didn't have the money, we borrowed money for a lawyer (she had 2 incomes, remarried, and we always paid full support) so it was devastating that they could do this without consideration of our children. Our lawyer gave us a paper to fill out to use to contest the change in amt. It was basically an itemization to prove we didn't have the money. It was a very painful process. We couldn't count things that the courts counted as optional, like tithing, as an expense. When we got done the report showed that we busted by the same amt every month. That amt was the same as our tithing. We weren't busting that much, we were breaking even on the good months. If we counted tithing it would double the amt. If she had not taken us to court I would have never known what blessings the lord was giving us but clearly the math wasn't there, the lord was.

My point is you may hear some of the immediate blessing stories and those are great. You might even have one of your own some day. But you also may not. Mine is looking back over yrs of not being able to see it and potentially having never seen it. Just because we don't see it doesn't mean the lord's hand isn't there.

Talk to your bishop. Yes even if you are not yet a member he is still your bishop. You live in the boundaries he was given stewardship for, talk to him, let him know what is going on. Also look for other organizations that can help with the disabilities of your children. If you are in the US there is a Children's Rehab Services in every state. They help with my son's neurologist and meds (he has epilepsy). You may qualify for something like that, the rules are different than most public assistance and even though you may not qualify for them you may qualify for this. Can't hurt to ask.

Tithing isn't an easy doctrine to live. It almost kept my family from joining the church. It's a very individual experience for each person and the lord. I wish you the most in your journey.

[Smeagums]

Fwiw, the word tithing means "tenth". This is not a definition made up by Mormons.

I am the sole wage-earner of a family of seven. We have always paid tithing. Always. And we get by all right.

A tenth of what is the question.

[Vort]

A tenth of what is the question.

A tenth of your increase annually is the answer.

[Jennarator]

In my experience, tithing needs to be done for a while (in faith) before you gain a testimony of it.

While I served a mission, we baptized a couple, she paid tithing, he decided not ot. He was upset to give his hard earned money away. (I can understand that.) She did it anyways (what she earned.) Her faith in tithing grew, he bcame bitter that he didn't receive an "answer when he prayed about tithing.) She did, because she practiced it. He left the church and divorced her. I took her (a couple years later) to the mission training center to serve a mission of her own.

I don't tell you this to say you marrige is going to end over thins, but to point out that tithing is one of those things that if you pay it, and pray about it you will see the blessing of it. 10 percent is a lot. Give it a chance. try it and pray to see the blessings and you will. I know it will be a hard thing to do, but sometime we don't get the answer until we do what is asked.

[Dravin]

I would suggest, and this may be admittedly premature, that you talk with who your, hopefully future, Bishop. He is the one to whom you will declare your status as a tithe payer once you are a member. While the missionaries can quite appropriately discuss developing a testimony I suspect your (future) Bishop would be a good resource for discussing your concerns here, namely the ability to pay tithing and still have the necessities of life. Alternatively you could ask the Missionaries if they know anyone in the ward who has been in a similar situation to you. Sometimes it helps to be able to discuss things with people have walked in the same shoes you have.

[Bini]

Tithing is a big step, even for already members, like DH and I. Honestly, we have struggled with paying our tithe. I have no doubt that having been inactive for so many years has made the tithing a tough pill to swallow, especially, when we hadn't paid it before as adult members. So it's a continuous work in progress for us. Just making it to church every Sunday is often times challenging, and when we do make it, it's been hit or miss to stay the entire session. But we're not comparing our personal progress to others. We do our daily and nightly prayers together, and do family nights. Anyway, just shouting out that you're not alone, it's a struggle for many people but it is commanded of us. Strive for self improvement and in serving the Lord everyday, and things gradually settle into place.

[Gwen]

I would suggest, and this may be admittedly premature, that you talk with who your, hopefully future, Bishop. He is the one to whom you will declare your status as a tithe payer once you are a member. While the missionaries can quite appropriately discuss developing a testimony I suspect your (future) Bishop would be a good resource for discussing your concerns here, namely the ability to pay tithing and still have the necessities of life. Alternatively you could ask the Missionaries if they know anyone in the ward who has been in a similar situation to you. Sometimes it helps to be able to discuss things with people have walked in the same shoes you have.

I don't think it's premature. Not being members does mean they are not under commandment to pay tithes but he is still their bishop. The bishop is over the welfare of the entire area not just members. They have disabled children and no health insurance, he is exactly the one to counsel with. Especially if they want to make covenants and have the best support in keeping them.

[Pfletcher]

Tithing is one of those things that no one will be able to convince you is true or "real". You do it or you don't; you learn for yourself or you don't. Most teach tithing with antidote stories. I wish I could offer you more but I can't. Most stories show some kind of immediate reward for paying tithing. Mine doesn't and that's about all I can say for what makes mine different. So here is mine.

Things had always been tight (still are but getting better). Sometimes very very tight. We always broke at 0 or slightly under by payday. I did worry about where we'd get the money for the things we needed. We had young children, my husband was the sole wage earner. I will admit to sometimes getting so upset and pleading with god about what we did that was so wrong "we pay our tithing, you promised, why aren't you taking care of us." We spent yrs in this financially tight way of living. And then my husband's ex decided she was taking us to court to increase the child support. We didn't have the money, we borrowed money for a lawyer (she had 2 incomes, remarried, and we always paid full support) so it was devastating that they could do this without consideration of our children. Our lawyer gave us a paper to fill out to use to contest the change in amt. It was basically an itemization to prove we didn't have the money. It was a very painful process. We couldn't count things that the courts counted as optional, like tithing, as an expense. When we got done the report showed that we busted by the same amt every month. That amt was the same as our tithing. We weren't busting that much, we were breaking even on the good months. If we counted tithing it would double the amt. If she had not taken us to court I would have never known what blessings the lord was giving us but clearly the math wasn't there, the lord was.

My point is you may hear some of the immediate blessing stories and those are great. You might even have one of your own some day. But you also may not. Mine is looking back over yrs of not being able to see it and potentially having never seen it. Just because we don't see it doesn't mean the lord's hand isn't there.

Talk to your bishop. Yes even if you are not yet a member he is still your bishop. You live in the boundaries he was given stewardship for, talk to him, let him know what is going on. Also look for other organizations that can help with the disabilities of your children. If you are in the US there is a Children's Rehab Services in every state. They help with my son's neurologist and meds (he has epilepsy). You may qualify for something like that, the rules are different than most public assistance and even though you may not qualify for them you may qualify for this. Can't hurt to ask.

Tithing isn't an easy doctrine to live. It almost kept my family from joining the church. It's a very individual experience for each person and the lord. I wish you the most in your journey.

Thank you for being honest and being so transparent with me. Love that!! I do have stories of times I tithed in the past and was blessed...in very obvious ways. But that was in the Southern Baptist religion (which I also abhorred). I did speak to some missionaries about it today and they told me to talk to the Bishop because everyone's situation is unique. I am willing to tithe as my husband allows. But because I don't want a divorce, I can't tithe 10 percent unless he agrees. I'm sure God wouldn't want discord in my marriage.

[Pfletcher]

Fwiw, the word tithing means "tenth". This is not a definition made up by Mormons.

I am the sole wage-earner of a family of seven. We have always paid tithing. Always. And we get by all right.

We have special circumstances, unfortunately. I'm a diabetic who is in ill health and in need of insulin that is hard to afford. I have a 9 month old with pulminary stenosis and an 8 year old autistic son. We have no health insurance. I feel like it was a giant leap of faith to move to Utah to follow where I thought God wanted me to be. And now I'm very worried. Tithing causes fights between myself and my non-religious, science minded husband.

[estradling75]

We have special circumstances, unfortunately. I'm a diabetic who is in ill health and in need of insulin that is hard to afford. I have a 9 month old with pulminary stenosis and an 8 year old autistic son. We have no health insurance. I feel like it was a giant leap of faith to move to Utah to follow where I thought God wanted me to be. And now I'm very worried. Tithing causes fights between myself and my non-religious, science minded husband.

He is science minded? Then ask him for a space of time to experiment with tithing... Have him be aware of what the money situation is before and then have him compare the after. If tithing is true then God has promised blessing so that your needs will be met during this time. The scripture themselves contain the challenge to prove the Lord in this matter.

Offer to put the matter to rest one way or the other with this test.

[Pfletcher]

He is science minded? Then ask him for a space of time to experiment with tithing... Have him be aware of what the money situation is before and then have him compare the after. If tithing is true then God has promised blessing so that your needs will be met during this time. The scripture themselves contain the challenge to prove the Lord in this matter.

Offer to put the matter to rest one way or the other with this test.

Wouldn't it be dangerous to test God in this manner? I have enough faith to at least try....but I'm positive he won't let me start out at 10 percent.

[estradling75]

Wouldn't it be dangerous to test God in this manner? I have enough faith to at least try....but I'm positive he won't let me start out at 10 percent.

Normally I would say yes... But the Lord himself has laid down the challenge..

Malachi 3

10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

[CalledToServe]

The Lord is merciful and kind and never asks us to do anything that we can't do. Furthermore, our marriages are precious to Him, much more than money. If I were you, I would start praying and asking the Lord what you should do about tithing and the church. He can work something out for you. The important thing is that you want to do what the Lord commands, not that you actually can do it. If you want to obey the Lord's commandments, then you will see wonderful things happen in your life.

[Dravin]

I don't think it's premature. Not being members does mean they are not under commandment to pay tithes but he is still their bishop. The bishop is over the welfare of the entire area not just members. They have disabled children and no health insurance, he is exactly the one to counsel with. Especially if they want to make covenants and have the best support in keeping them.

My concern about it being premature isn't because she's not a member but because I don't even know if she's been to Church and met her Bishop yet. The idea of just showing up out of the blue to counsel is a daunting one for most people.

[estradling75]

Pfletcher... Here is the question I think you need to ask yourself...

If you had sole control over the finances would you be willing to pay a complete tithing? (Knowing full well how hard it would be to do so)

If you can honestly and truthfully say yes then I think you are going to be fine.

[derblitzenator]

Tithing is a principle that you need to try for a while to gain a testimony. Even the scripture in Malachi says to "prove me now herewith...if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." The easy way out is to just throw up your arms and give up without ever testing your faith. You'll stagnate in nearly every gospel principle with that approach. Try it for a while and then return and report what you learned.