Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Okay. So some of you know I have a very bad, no good ex. Well, I just found out that on Jan 6th he got a DUI. (Just a few days after he drove my kids from his place in Provo to mine in Idaho.) Now, my kids idolize him. They believe he can do no wrong. I didn't say anything when they came home smelling like smoke, but I feel I need to draw the line. He is already supervised when he has them, but I don't them to ever be in a car when he is driving again! He would get into wrecks at least once a year when we were together because he is such a bad driver (angry and rude and aggressive.) A few months ago, my parents told my kids that I worry about them because their dad has (and still does) make some really bad choices. They didn't believe them at all. I have sole custody and don't have to let the kids see him at all, but I feel bad, or I feel like a meany if I don't. They already want to live with him because I make them do chores and if they don't they miss out on things they want to do. I guess I just feel really bad. I don't expect any responses, because I already know there isn't much I haven't thought of. I just can't post his on FB, too many people thee. Hahha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anddenex Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 You already know this, so let's say I am confirming your thoughts, the safety of the children come first. I am sorry, what a difficult circumstance this creates for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks.....it's good to know I am not being too irrational. My kids think I am. Of course they don't know the reasons....I can't tell them anything bad about my ex, according to the divorce decree. (Not like that stops him) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks.....it's good to know I am not being too irrational. My kids think I am. Of course they don't know the reasons....I can't tell them anything bad about my ex, according to the divorce decree. (Not like that stops him)Is conveying factual information in a straightforward manner with the intent of protecting them telling them something bad about your ex? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Is conveying factual information in a straightforward manner with the intent of protecting them telling them something bad about your ex?I don't know. I also don't know if they would believe me. They are 10 & 12 years old, but they really think he is great. They didn't even notice that he steps out side for a smoke every hour or two, they just think he needs fresh air. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Do any of you know if that is okay to do? Telling them facts? Because I haven't told them anything because the decrees says not to say anything negative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 I don't know. I also don't know if they would believe me. They are 10 & 12 years old, but they really think he is great. They didn't even notice that he steps out side for a smoke every hour or two, they just think he needs fresh air.I'm all for refusing to criticize your ex in front of them. For that matter, I'm all for 10- and 12-year-old kids thinking their fallible, human fathers are just great. I just wonder if explaining, in a non-judgmental way, that Dad sometimes does this and that and that sometimes it's better not to visit him right now would be useful for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 I think I could explain it that way. Thanks. Phew......I'll be ready for a big scene..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks for helping me feel a little calmer about this. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anddenex Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Do any of you know if that is okay to do? Telling them facts? Because I haven't told them anything because the decrees says not to say anything negative.I am inline with Vort, and I believe a person is able to explain factual information without being negative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) I think it would take an odd judge to judge against a mom telling her kids not to get in the car with a drunk father. Still you can tell him that he has a choice without having to go to that extent. Either he agrees to a way to see the kids with him not allowed to drink or drive or no visits. If that cant be worked out then the kids need to know why they are not going to be visiting dad. I see no reason it cant be said without anger. Its a fact not a judgement. The bad thing is that one or both of your kids are most likely going to idealize their dad since he is not there to prove he is a rat. You, as the only responsible parent, have to be the bad guy sometimes whereas he just gets to play. I dont know if you do counseling but it might be a plan to help them understand. Edited March 5, 2013 by annewandering Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irishcolleen Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Can you go to court and make sure he cannot drive when he has the kids on visitation? It is appalling to think he can drive at all with a DUI, but such is our world (sigh). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Can you go to court and make sure he cannot drive when he has the kids on visitation? It is appalling to think he can drive at all with a DUI, but such is our world (sigh).I can't afford court, but I can make sure he doesn't see them at all. I already have that right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 He would probably challenge it if you did deny him visitation. Might win too since you do let him visit. Honestly I would talk to him and try to make arrangements for them to visit under strict supervision. Otherwise you have no choice but to deny. If you dont, he is going to have grounds that you have not minded even knowing about the dui. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Well I tried to restrict it before. Each time they see him he has to get someone to send a letter saying he will be supervised the whole time. His sister was with him when he dropped them off in idaho. She might not notice if he had been drinking, tho. I know that sounds weird, but she and her mom are in denial about things that happened. Also, he has never paid child support so I have way more grounds to stand on. My decree already say that any visitation needs to be agreed by BOTh of us, and my lawyer says that means if I don't agree, then he doesn't ever have to see them. They also always come back from visiting with bad attitudes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Good. :) Your kids are lucky to have such a caring and careful mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
classylady Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 You're in a tough situation, Jennarator. My husband had full custody of his two children with his ex. We didn't have to worry about the children's safety when they visited with her, but we did worry about the moral environment (always worried about her boyfriends spending the night). The children's biological mother was more like a "Santa Claus" when they visited. They received gifts, and had very little discipline. I don't really blame her, for she only saw the children twice a month. So, of course, she wanted to make the time when the kids were with her enjoyable and fun. Of course your children love their father. Children are very forgiving. Eventually, they will see their dad's faults and weaknesses. But, that doesn't mean they're going to stop loving their father. They will forgive him. I'm not a psychologist, but I feel that children of divorce often make excuses for the non-custodial parent. Children don't want to see the "bad". They need to feel loved. The alternative of not feeling loved from their parent is more than they can handle. Just from my step-children's experience, I can tell you that if you don't allow your children to visit their dad, they will probably feel anger and resentment towards you. As they get older they may make the decision to live with their father. Once they're 18, you won't have any say in the matter. Another thing that I have noticed with children of divorce, is that the children will often try to connect to their non-custodial parent in any way they can. My oldest grandson's dad smokes because his father smokes. My son-in-law never saw his father very often, because the father moved to Kentucky after the divorce to his mother. By taking up smoking he had a way to stay connected to his father. Now, not all the children took up smoking, but out of four children, only one doesn't smoke. And they were all raised LDS. The children chose to follow their father. Now, I can't prove that's why they smoke, but I'd wager that's probably one of the big factors in their taking up cigarettes. One of the things I wish my husband and I would have done better with my step-children is to have more open communication with them. My step-daughter told my husband and me several months ago, that she was afraid to even speak her mother's name in our home. Even though we made mistakes, we did some things right. Both step-children have grown into wonderful adults. Pray about your situation and follow the inspiration that you receive for your circumstances. What is right for one family may not be right for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 I don't know. I also don't know if they would believe me. They are 10 & 12 years old, but they really think he is great. They didn't even notice that he steps out side for a smoke every hour or two, they just think he needs fresh air.A DUI is a public offense and therefore there is a public record. I agree with Vort in questioning if giving your children factual information is saying "bad" things.Bad things in my book are things mean spirited and often not factual.How old are your children? If they are old enough to want to live with Dad because you make them do chores I'm assuming they are teens. Give them the facts. You don't have to "say" a thing. A piece of paper (public record) will be all that's needed.Teens are hard. You're in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Well I tried to restrict it before. Each time they see him he has to get someone to send a letter saying he will be supervised the whole time. His sister was with him when he dropped them off in idaho. She might not notice if he had been drinking, tho. I know that sounds weird, but she and her mom are in denial about things that happened. Also, he has never paid child support so I have way more grounds to stand on. My decree already say that any visitation needs to be agreed by BOTh of us, and my lawyer says that means if I don't agree, then he doesn't ever have to see them. They also always come back from visiting with bad attitudes.That alone would be a reason for me to not allow visitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Okay, I did think of a question. Should I email my ex and let him know that I know? I don't want to start thing up and get an earful, but he is belligerent and rude. But I feel that he should be out of their lives for a while. I really don't want him to call, either, but I know that won't stop. I have the right to stop them from talking to him, but they often answer the phone. How can I just say, "it's your dad? Hang Up." They won't do that, and I can't say that to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTR4life Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 o.K When I was a little child I never saw my father before that I recall (I'm the baby of 8 4 boy and 4 girls in the family) So my father that abandoned us after my birth. I was 9 or 10 years old my brothers used to help my mother and if they got a job they shared the money with my mom but when he showed up (I think he did before but I don't remember) He started to tell them lies about my mom so he wouldn't look as bad as he was and they started to change, he never drank, smoke or said bad words in front of us but his lies where more dangerous than anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 I know what you mean. My ex litterally taught my kids how to lie to me. He said the words "this is how you make your mom think you are telling the truth." Sad thing because they don't get it and teat me with lies ans such beacuse of how he taught them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTR4life Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 So I think that's clear to me that they need some space and time away from their father because you started becoming the bad guy and you are losing respect from them already if possible talk to a specialist how to handle this sittuation because a teen's mind can be really tricky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesmoney1 Posted March 9, 2013 Report Share Posted March 9, 2013 I think that it is important for a father to have a relationship with his children, but not at the risk of the child's health. A possible solution may be to set some ground rules for him such as no smoking/drinking/other destructive behaviors around the children. It would probably also be a good move to make him come to you to visit the kids so he can't get them into too much trouble a state away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennarator Posted March 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 I think that it is important for a father to have a relationship with his children, but not at the risk of the child's health. A possible solution may be to set some ground rules for him such as no smoking/drinking/other destructive behaviors around the children. It would probably also be a good move to make him come to you to visit the kids so he can't get them into too much trouble a state away.Those are already set in the divorce decree. He has no job and can't come here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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