He feels offended

[PhxLucy7]

My husband is a non member. He is out of town on visit and I asked him to go by the temple there to take pictures. He did and said that the Mormons there were rude. He has tattoos and felt as if they looked down upon him. He said he never wanted to go back. I said we'll those same people wouldn't be there if you went back there would be different people. Not all people are rude maybe just those couple you encountered. Anyway he got upset with me. He said I never defend him and don't think about his feelings and I always try to defend church over him. But in reality I feel like I try to see the best in all people and in all situations. I try to be positive and I was just trying to make him feel better. All in all it didn't change his thoughts. He got aggravated with me and hung up the phone. Now he won't talk to me and I don't know if I should just leave him be or what do I say? I don't feel like I need to apologize for anything... I don't want things like this to put strains in my relationship in the future, should I just not say anything??

[NeuroTypical]

He said I never defend him and don't think about his feelings and I always try to defend church over him. But in reality I feel like I try to see the best in all people and in all situations.

Do you truly never ever, ever get ticked off at anyone for anything ever? If that's the case, your husband should have picked up on that by now, and know that your reaction doesn't have anything to do with the church. If, however, you're like most people, and various people can push your buttons on occasion, maybe it's worth examining why you're not more upset at the rude people.

After all, your nonmember hubby was there for you, trying to do you a favor, and got treated rudely for his trouble. If I had that experience, I'd sort of wonder why you are not more ticked off at those people also.

[skippy740]

Oh boy. You're not going to like my post.

He was feeling somewhat emotionally hurt... and here you go being all logical and still trying to get what YOU want.

He said he never wanted to go back.

I said we'll those same people wouldn't be there if you went back there would be different people. Not all people are rude maybe just those couple you encountered.

Did you even CARE about how he felt?

But in reality I feel like I try to see the best in all people and in all situations.

Except with your husband.

I try to be positive and I was just trying to make him feel better.

How? I don't see it in your post. I see someone who is trying to get their way and try to manipulate their husband to do what SHE wants, despite how HE feels.

All in all it didn't change his thoughts.

Surprise, surprise.

He got aggravated with me and hung up the phone. Now he won't talk to me and I don't know if I should just leave him be or what do I say? I don't feel like I need to apologize for anything... I don't want things like this to put strains in my relationship in the future, should I just not say anything??

If you don't want to put strains in your relationship, you should probably LISTEN to him.

You need to apologize. You need to put whatever 'self-righteous' attitude you may have in check. You probably feel you have and are entitled to some kind of righteous superiority or 'holier than thou' complex because you're religious... and he isn't.

This may be a 'funny' video, but you do need to learn the lesson here. (You're the guy in this one.)

What were the pictures for?

Why was it so important?

Why not just buy some prints from Deseret Book?

Or was this just some kind of 'setup' to get your husband to visit the temple and trick him into trying to feel the spirit there?

[PhxLucy7]

I do tend to get ticked off but not very often, and I think he knows that I'm not the type to get angry. I feel like anything involving church causes conflict for us. So if I defend the church in any situation it's like I'm just doing it because it's LDS, not because it's right or wrong or because its how I feel but because I'm just wanting my family or friends to know that I'm active in church. He doesn't see it as something that I'm truly feeling. He sees it as me just wanting to be Mormon because my family is. I may have been inactive in the past and searching for something different but I came back because I knew thy I had taken it for granted ad that I was wrong. I finally felt peace with myself but with this peace comes these conflicts in my marriage. I feel frustrated on a daily basis, but I keep trying to be positive. I want my husband to know that it means a lot to me and it brings peace to me but at the same time it hurts me because he doesn't think that I truly feel this way. He said that one day I will see the light... Sigh I don't want to argue with him. I wish he was just accepting of me

[skippy740]

This issue isn't about you. It's about him.

Re-read your post and count how many times you use the word "I" or "I'm". I count 22.

Take it from the divorced guy: It's not about you. It's about a 'we' and a 'he'. And it's about conflict resolution in your marriage. It wouldn't matter if it was about the Church, or about the dishes not being done 'your way'. It just happens to involve the Church this time, so you're bringing it here.

This isn't a Church issue... but you're trying to turn it into one.

This is a marriage issue and how you relate to and resolve conflicts with your husband.

[PhxLucy7]

Did you even CARE about how he felt?

I guess I didn't think about how he felt because he gets upset with anything church related.

If you don't want to put strains in your relationship, you should probably LISTEN to him.

You need to apologize. You need to put whatever 'self-righteous' attitude you may have in check. You probably feel you have and are entitled to some kind of righteous superiority or 'holier than thou' complex because you're religious... and he isn't.

I feel like I'm scared to apologize. He isn't very accepting of apologies and he will sarcastically bring up things that I've said or mistakes that I've made for many weeks after. I guess i will just apologize for not being more sensitive to his feelings and just deal with the consequences of my actions. I wish I hadn't even asked how it went for him..

This may be a 'funny' video, but you do need to learn the lesson here. (You're the guy in this one.)

Thanks for this video, I can definitely see the similarities. I feel so bad because my husband tells me all the time that I don't listen. And I guess I feel like I know whats best and that he should listen to me when in fact it's setting him off and causing more tension

Or was this just some kind of 'setup' to get your husband to visit the temple and trick him into trying to feel the spirit there?

He likes to do photography and I thought maybe if he went to see the temple he would feel the spirit there... After each time trying to get him to do anything church related I feel like it's a mistake on my part... I don't know if it's because I go about it the wrong way or because maybe I'm being to pushy with it? Should I just not bring church into our conversations?

[Guest]

You're never going to be able to force him to feel the Spirit.

I'd say keep doing what you do day to day, let him do what he does, talk about what you enjoy and have in common, and stop pushing things on him. If church comes into conversation because it's relevant or tells him something about your day, sure, talk about it. My inactive sister gets more offended when people won't talk about it around her. But don't shove it down his throat and "try to get him" to do church things. If I were you I'd always invite him to activities at church where families would go, but beyond that, just let him be and show him you love him no matter what.

[skippy740]

I guess I didn't think about how he felt because he gets upset with anything church related.

I feel like I'm scared to apologize. He isn't very accepting of apologies and he will sarcastically bring up things that I've said or mistakes that I've made for many weeks after. I guess i will just apologize for not being more sensitive to his feelings and just deal with the consequences of my actions. I wish I hadn't even asked how it went for him..

Thanks for this video, I can definitely see the similarities. I feel so bad because my husband tells me all the time that I don't listen. And I guess I feel like I know whats best and that he should listen to me when in fact it's setting him off and causing more tension

He likes to do photography and I thought maybe if he went to see the temple he would feel the spirit there... After each time trying to get him to do anything church related I feel like it's a mistake on my part... I don't know if it's because I go about it the wrong way or because maybe I'm being to pushy with it? Should I just not bring church into our conversations?

I know the Church is important. Just try to keep this in mind: You cannot teach the Gospel using Satan's methods. No manipulation will work. Your husband has to WANT it.

You must be the best wife you can possibly be within the framework of the Gospel. "Be thou an example of the believers" comes to mind.

For apologies, you can't JUST say "I'm sorry." A good apology goes deeper than that.

I would be fasting and praying before doing this, but I would recommend trying something like this:

Honey, I need to talk to you.

I was wrong. (That'll get his attention.)

I want for us to enjoy the blessings of the gospel together so much... that I think I've been damaging our relationship along the way. That's not the way Jesus would want us to be.

I'm sorry. Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm sorry that you felt uncomfortable with what I asked you to do for me.

I'm happy that you gave it a try! Because you love me. :)

I'm going to try harder to be a good wife to you because I love you and I want to keep you.

I understand that there are times that I don't listen very well to you and your needs. I'm sorry.

I'm only going to ask that you support me in my activities in the Church. I'm not going to try to force or manipulate you to want to join me. I'm sorry for thinking that those kinds of methods could actually work. I know now that those methods are not of God. I'm going to do better.

I was wrong and I'm sorry. (You'll get his attention by admitting you were wrong twice!)

Will you forgive me so we can put this behind us and move forward as a couple?

If you can do this, with all the sincerity of your heart, looking into his eyes, and perhaps a tear or two... unless he has a heart of stone, I think something like this will help.

Edited July 28, 2013 by skippy740

[skalenfehl]

I've been married now going on 22 years. I have found very simply truths taught by our Savior. "Agree quickly with thy adversary lest he esteem you to be his enemy."

I am always quick to apologize and to make amends with my wife before she has a chance to build up steam and tear me down. When we first married, and I did something wrong or even if she just wanted to blow up, I quickly apologized, told her she was right (especially when I was wrong). She didn't like this because it completely diffused her bomb. All that building up for an argument and I just expressed my love for her. And if I was right, I simply listened and validated her feelings and hugged her.

How could she tear me down with a one sided argument. And if she continued to blow up, I would patiently listen and let the blast roll away. Practice compassion as the Savior would. Succor your husband and let him know how much you love him. You don't have to kiss his feet. Just hold him or do whatever works to soften his heart and strengthen your marriage in the Lord.

[Suzie]

I don't know about your particular situation but this reminds me about a couple of sisters I know from the Church that are married to non-members husbands and they are in a similar situation than yours. In their case, they met their husbands when they were going through a period of inactivity, but sometime along the way, they became active again and that caused a lot of conflict in the marriage.

One of them is a good friend of mine. The way she sees is that the husband hates everything about the Church because it changed his wife and she doesn't agree with it.

But the truth is that she indeed changed and the husband feels that he is married to a different woman. All of the sudden she dresses more conservative, no longer drinks beer and became religious. I totally understand the guy's frustration. I just cannot understand how they cannot see it.

In this particular scenario, it seems to be that your husband just needed to rant a bit and needed you to be more empathetic about his experience. Your husband always comes first and validating his feelings is crucial to the development and healing of your relationship.

[Backroads]

Some time ago I heard a bit on the radio about how "putting the marriage first" sometimes means putting yourself first. Your husband did go out of his way to do something you wanted because he loves you. He had a not-so-wonderful experience. He probably does have complaints and reservations about your return to activity in the Church. Heck, he might have complaints and reservations about the Church itself. But I'm guessing he does his best to keep reasonably quiet. But back to his bad experience. He had one. Maybe, at the time he complained to you about it, he needed to express his frustration.

I especially like what skippy said. Go with that.

But let me take this back to you. You said you don't want to argue with him. Well, it may be time to clear the air in regards to your relationship and membership in the Church. You are clearly feeling frustrated, perhaps as much or even more than your husband, with the situation.

Apologize first to your husband, be a loving wife to him, then find a way at a later time to take a moment to express yourself. For the marriage's sake. And I am sure he will be more receptive if he feels security from you.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Backroads

[PhxLucy7]

I don't know about your particular situation but this reminds me about a couple of sisters I know from the Church that are married to non-members husbands and they are in a similar situation than yours. In their case, they met their husbands when they were going through a period of inactivity, but sometime along the way, they became active again and that caused a lot of conflict in the marriage.

One of them is a good friend of mine. The way she sees is that the husband hates everything about the Church because it changed his wife and she doesn't agree with it.

But the truth is that she indeed changed and the husband feels that he is married to a different woman. All of the sudden she dresses more conservative, no longer drinks beer and became religious. I totally understand the guy's frustration. I just cannot understand how they cannot see it.

In this particular scenario, it seems to be that your husband just needed to rant a bit and needed you to be more empathetic about his experience. Your husband always comes first and validating his feelings is crucial to the development and healing of your relationship.

Suzie, My situation is so similar. When we met I was inactive but I did tell him that I was a member of the church. I had told him that I was unsure at the time about what I was looking for and he understood that. Becoming active again seemed like a shock to him. But he never once has asked me not to be active in the church. He doesn't mind me going. It's amazing that my testimony has grown so much stronger than it was before I fell inactive. I felt that when I came back I actually wanted to learn the gospel and be a part of it, as before it seemed like I was just going through the motions. I know I have changed a lot since I came back to church and I know I have a lot more maturing to do on my part. I feel that at times I forget that I need to be there for him. He has a strong personality. But I am realizing more that he is not going to tell me what I need to do for him I just need to put myself in his shoes.

Thanks so much for all the responses. I definitely needed to hear all this and I know that I need a lot of improving if I want to follow the Savior's example. I always think of what I can do outside the home but never put into consideration what I should and could be doing to comfort my husband.

[PhxLucy7]

Apologize first to your husband, be a loving wife to him, then find a way at a later time to take a moment to express yourself. For the marriage's sake. And I am sure he will be more receptive if he feels security from you.

He doesn't always show his feelings and to me it feels like I have to guess how he's feeling because he won't tell me outright. I really have never thought that I needed to make him more secure because he always seems so sure of himself. Now I'm starting to think maybe he is feeling vulnerable and neglected. Before I relied on him solely. Since we have moved closer to my family, and since I've decided to go back to church he may feel like I have more going on. Now I am starting to realize that I may have been too comfortable and not appreciating him as I should. I feel so bad about that. I really appreciate all the comments because I have been feeling frustration but I didn't think about how I have been frustrating him. And I know that I just assume that he should be feeling what I'm feeling or understand me better when all along I need to try to be more understanding of him.