Trying to figure out this particular sample group

[Backroads]

I would like to begin this post by saying I have no belief this is at all true for all ex-Mormons and I do not wish to perpetuate any stereotype.

BUT this is my experience, and I'm trying to work it out.

Over about the past five years or so, I've personally known four people who have left the Church. All four of these people are unrelated. All four have more or less abandoned their kids, claiming they no longer wish to be parents.

I doubt I can completely blame leaving the Church for this, but I find it such an odd coincidence.

Not sure what I'm getting at or what I'm asking for, but... thoughts? Insights?

[Windseeker]

Here is my theory and I sure there’s much more to this,

but I think many who are raised in the Church when they reach a point in their lives where they choose to abandon the Church, tend to throw away all the values they associate with the Chuch.

They mistakenly assume that if the Church is wrong then those values are also wrong. They throw the baby out with the bathwater. They don't realize that our values come from God and are shared with many, even those who are not religious. The Church teaches us to be selfless and to look outward. These people become inward focused and because of sin become "past feeling" to the point where they have lost feeling even for their own children. No longer fearing a judgment they tend to abandon the ideals of basic goodness and responsibility.

[Dravin]

Alternatively the primary motivator is to escape responsibilities and expectations, this makes leaving the church not a cause but a symptom. That said, unless you actually sit down and talk with them you probably won't know, internet psychoanalysis notwithstanding. They may not even share the same motivations.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Dravin

[applepansy]

I agree with Windseeker that the inward seeking (selfishness) as opposed to outward seeking (selflessness) is a big contributing factor in the people I know who have left the church. I've never heard anyone say "I left the church because I am serving others". Usually there is a me/I component to their reason. Such as, the church isn't fulfilling my needs, the church asked to much of me, what's in it for me, etc.

On of the GAs said that selfishness is the root of all sin. I think its the root of leaving the church too.

[Maureen]

This may seem like a stupid question but, are all these ex-Mormon's parents of small children or are their children grown?

M.

[Backroads]

This may seem like a stupid question but, are all these ex-Mormon's parents of small children or are their children grown?

M.

Either just small children, or a mix of nearly grown and small children.

For example, one of them simply dropped her baby off at her parents.

[pam]

I think this quote that I posted back in March explains a lot.

Let me say again that the family is the main target of evil's attack and must therefore be the main point of our protection and defense. As I said once before, when you stop and think about it from a diabolically tactical point of view, fighting the family makes sense to Satan. When he wants to disrupt the work of the Lord, he doesn't poison the world's peanut butter supply, thus bringing the Church's missionary system to its collective knees. He doesn't send a plague of laryngitis to afflict the Mormon Tabernacle choir. He doesn't legislate against green Jell-O and casseroles. When evil wants to strike out and disrupt the essence of God's work, it attacks the family. It does so by attempting to disregard the law of chastity, to confuse gender, to desensitize violence, to make crude and blasphemous language the norm, and to make immoral and deviant behavior seem like the rule rather than the exception.

M. Russell Ballard

[Roseslipper]

I would like to begin this post by saying I have no belief this is at all true for all ex-Mormons and I do not wish to perpetuate any stereotype.

BUT this is my experience, and I'm trying to work it out.

Over about the past five years or so, I've personally known four people who have left the Church. All four of these people are unrelated. All four have more or less abandoned their kids, claiming they no longer wish to be parents.

I doubt I can completely blame leaving the Church for this, but I find it such an odd coincidence.

Not sure what I'm getting at or what I'm asking for, but... thoughts? Insights?

i have never heard of any stories like this before, sounds nuts to me.

[Smudge]

At the moment in my tiny branch we are seeing something like this one of the families - and as one of the less active sisters who is friends with both me and the sister in the aforementioned family pointed out. This sister married very young by UK standards - and prior to marriage went from being force to go to church to going to BYU to getting married less than a year after she returned home at barely 20yrs old (and had a child within a year of marrying and moving 500 miles from her family) - during the year between returning from BYU and getting married she worked for church members. So she didn't really have much of a chance to go out and find out who she was and what she wanted in life etc - and now that the her children are all old enough to go to school she has got a job and made friends and developed interests outside of the church.

[applepansy]

At the moment in my tiny branch we are seeing something like this one of the families - and as one of the less active sisters who is friends with both me and the sister in the aforementioned family pointed out. This sister married very young by UK standards - and prior to marriage went from being force to go to church to going to BYU to getting married less than a year after she returned home at barely 20yrs old (and had a child within a year of marrying and moving 500 miles from her family) - during the year between returning from BYU and getting married she worked for church members. So she didn't really have much of a chance to go out and find out who she was and what she wanted in life etc - and now that the her children are all old enough to go to school she has got a job and made friends and developed interests outside of the church.

There is nothing wrong with having interests outside the church unless the interests are in conflict with Heavenly Father's commandments. Again, its the selfish vs selfless problem.

True joy is only found when we serve others, starting with our families. I will never understand a mother who puts her own "needs" ahead of her children's needs.

[LilyBelle00]

You can add my mother to that list.

She married young, had six kids, was on and off active all her life. One day she just decided that she didn't have a testimony anymore. Then she left my father for a married man and walked out on us kids too. I'll never forget the day she packed her bags and left. I'm the oldest and I was angry and dry eyed. The other kids ranged in age from 14-3. The older ones just sat in silence and watched with big teary eyes but the two littlest ones (5 and 3) crying and trying to run to her as I held them. They were screaming "No Mommy don't leave us! Please mommy!" and she just looked back at them, shrugged her shoulders, and walked out the door. I still cry like a baby when I think about it.

Believe it or not, my siblings and I have an ok relationship with her now many years later. It's not a normal mother/child relationship but it's ok. There's kind of a wall up. She's still a very selfish person but we are used to it now. She's not a happy person. I always feel a little jealous when people talk about being close with their mothers.

[Backroads]

LilyBelle, that is horrible! Did she ever show any regret for that?

[LilyBelle00]

Yes and no. She admits that leaving like that probably wasn't the best choice but she's one of those people who places the blame on everyone else. "I'm sorry BUT..." She's still very selfish.

She's a serial cheater but it's not her fault! All of her husbands and boyfriends have been "controlling" and she's just trying to find happiness....

She does love us. It's just a different kind of love. More like a friend or aunt maybe. She'll do anything for us as long as it's convenient for her.

[Windseeker]

How sad LilyBelle.

My first wife did the same thing (except she went to live with two single men) and the children have a similar relationship with her that you have to your mother.

I remember my 10 year old daughter looking at me with tears in her eyes and crying "what happened to families are forever!?".

[classylady]

My husband's oldest sister, left the church, her husband, and children for another man. Her youngest two children were in high school. The older ones were either married or on a mission. She married the "other man", but he was an alcoholic and it didn't last. Her two daughters had to get their mother out of that abusive relationship. She has never come back to the church, but she seems to be getting her life back in order.

My husband's first wife abandoned her two children (ages 1 and 3), husband, and the church after she had several affairs. Her new life style didn't sync up with church standards, or any other religion that I know of. She still maintained a relationship with her children after the divorce. But, my husband had full custody of the kids. I know she feels guilty for what she did to her children. The kids tell me their mother still believes in the Book of Mormon, and the church, but doesn't want to live the Word of Wisdom or many of the other commandments. She's currently separated from her third husband.

[HiJolly]

Of my friends & acquaintences that have left the Church, 2 left because of Church History/non-realistic expectation issues, and 4 or 5 have left because in some way they felt that God let them down. Again, non-realistic expectations.

[Quin]

I suspect it's a squares & rectangles kind of thing.

As in most people who would just abandon their kids, would also leave the church. (All squares re rectangles)

But not all people who leave the church would abandon their kids. (But not all rectangles are squares).

Q