How to make friends

[Misshalfway]

Ok. This post is directed towards to coolest, most popular, and uber friend magnets on this site! You know who you are and you know what you do. So I'm milking you for all your best advice for finding, making, or otherwise securing friendship. So please, in 4000 words or less, will you explain how you do it and what advise you would offer the....lets say...friend-resistant amongst us.

(Note: If you are just gifted, perhaps you could direct us to the angel who picked you.)

[prisonchaplain]

This string is probably targeting the females, because all men who have any friends at all know what to do...marry up!

[Misshalfway]

Come on Pris...you gotta do something to attract each other. Isn't there at least some grunting or spitting involved?

[Guest]

I guess it depends on the kind of friends you want. My aim is never to be in the "in" crowd; my goal is to have a few loyal friends whose company I enjoy and who I can lean on when I need someone.

For that kind of friend, I'd simply say be considerate and thoughtful of those around you, choose your words carefully and kindly, but also don't take yourself too seriously and have fun. Be someone that you'd like to be around.

My mom used to have a saying that would make me roll my eyes, but I find it to be truer the older I get: If you want a friend, be a friend.

[Misshalfway]

Yeah ok, Eowyn. Thx.

When I've asked this questions around social circles, I hear lots of people refer to that book by Dale Carnegie "How to win friends and influence people." But I guess I always found that manipulative. I don't know...maybe "winning" friends is manipulative. Or maybe you have to be a little manipulative to get the thing going.

[Guest]

I'd be surprised to hear this is a problem for you. You strike me as someone I'd want as a friend.

[prisonchaplain]

Come on Pris...you gotta do something to attract each other. Isn't there at least some grunting or spitting involved?

Nope...they just look at my spouse and figure they'll put up with me if they can be friends with her too. Having kids that act/look more like the female also helps tremendously.

[slamjet]

Genuineness. That's the only suggestion I have. But then I don't have a lot of friends because I'm a bit too honest and brash so take it for what it's worth.

[Guest]

Be yourself and allow others to do the same. Friendship doesn't happen instantly - although it can. It takes effort because friendship is all about making others comfortable in your presence enough to have courage to be themselves without fear of rejection or offending. Yes, it also requires forgiveness - seventy times seven times - without having to wait for "I'm sorry". And it requires strength enough not to get steamrolled into sacrificing your principles for the sake of his comfort. And it requires humility to be able to allow the friend to shine without the need to share the limelight yet not get lost in the shadow.

[classylady]

When I was younger I didn't try to gain friends. It just seemed to come naturally. Since I've been married it seems to be a bit harder. I haven't figured out why that is. Perhaps I don't try as hard because my husband is my best friend?

I do know that I'm attracted to people who are upbeat. Negative people don't draw me. My cousin once told me that when she was a teenager and moved to a new city, that she was afraid she wouldn't be able to make new friends. Her mother told her to "just smile and act like you're having fun". My cousin said it worked and the next year at school she was elected student body president.

If you are having a difficult time meeting new people, then perhaps joining a class that you're interested in, or a book club, or anything that interests you where you can meet others with the same interests. For me, age doesn't matter. I can be friends with young and old alike.

To me, friendship also means revealing your true self. True friends know your weaknesses and you know theirs. And it doesn't matter. You accept each other for what you are.

[Dravin]

Genuineness. That's the only suggestion I have. But then I don't have a lot of friends because I'm a bit too honest and brash so take it for what it's worth.

Commonality also helps. It doesn't have to be something like hobbies, it can be values or causes but without some sort of established commonality I find it is difficult to establish any kind of friendship. Of course just what works for that common thread is rather variable when it comes down to the nature of the friendship.

To me, friendship also means revealing your true self. True friends know your weaknesses and you know theirs. And it doesn't matter. You accept each other for what you are.

That's always one thing that tends to confuse conversations like this, I think there are as many connotative definitions of friendship as there are people. Sometimes the uber friendship people that OP is talking about have a fair amount of friendships but they aren't necessarily of the same type that we may be assuming. For example*, I know over a half dozen people in the geology program at school that I'd call friends, and you'd see me chatting them up and laughing and otherwise engaging in happy social interaction but there isn't any of them that I'd turn to for comfort if say my parents died.

*I'm not an uber friendship person, at least I don't think of myself that way. I'm an introvert.

Edited August 25, 2013 by Dravin

[viannqueen3]

I'm hardly the social butterfly but have found a few good ways to meet friends...

YOU be the one to orchestrate activities to meet people initially. Invite people over to your house for dinner or for a BBQ. I met of my closest friends this way. Sometimes we just plan on a "girls night" at a local restaurant... invite a few people you know and invite several more that you'd like to get to know better.

If you have children orchestrating play groups can be a good way also meeting people... we meet up at McD's for playgroups, local parks.

Eventually if you do this enough you'll start finding other like minded people that will start inviting you along and you won't always to be the one doing the inviting.

[beefche]

What do you mean by "friends?" Do you mean the "bosom friend and kindred spirit" kind? Do you mean someone you can hang out with and enjoy yourself with? I find that the first is more difficult. That requires both parties to work at it. You may feel an instant connection with someone, but to develop that kind of a relationship takes work from both.The second is much easier to develop.

[Misshalfway]

What do you mean by "friends?" Do you mean the "bosom friend and kindred spirit" kind? Do you mean someone you can hang out with and enjoy yourself with? I find that the first is more difficult. That requires both parties to work at it. You may feel an instant connection with someone, but to develop that kind of a relationship takes work from both.The second is much easier to develop.

I suppose I mean both.

When you say that the "hang out and enjoy" kind is easier for you, what makes it easy? I guess I'm not sure it's easy for everyone.

[Dr T]

Hi Halfers! Yours in an interesting question coming from you. You are one of the easiest persons to talk to and befriend IMO. You are real, interesting, caring, intelligent, fun, funny, thoughtful, a good conversationalist, active in threads and an all around awesome person. :)

[Misshalfway]

Commonality also helps. It doesn't have to be something like hobbies, it can be values or causes but without some sort of established commonality I find it is difficult to establish any kind of friendship. Of course just what works for that common thread is rather variable when it comes down to the nature of the friendship.

That's always one thing that tends to confuse conversations like this, I think there are as many connotative definitions of friendship as there are people. Sometimes the uber friendship people that OP is talking about have a fair amount of friendships but they aren't necessarily of the same type that we may be assuming. For example*, I know over a half dozen people in the geology program at school that I'd call friends, and you'd see me chatting them up and laughing and otherwise engaging in happy social interaction but there isn't any of them that I'd turn to for comfort if say my parents died.

*I'm not an uber friendship person, at least I don't think of myself that way. I'm an introvert.

Hi Dravin. I do see that commonality seems to make or break friendship. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. I guess I'm leaning on the "not" side. Maybe that is because I get frustrated with cliques (especially in the church) because it makes us miss the forest for the trees when it comes to loving people. You know? I guess, I like the differences sometimes. I'm a pretty normal minivan driving mom over hear in my world. But I've got a good friend who is an agnostic, overly tattoed someone who rarely combs his hair, and it's a pleasure interacting with him. I guess I long for a place or time (maybe the millenium) when differences don't matter so much.

I just read a book about and listened to a TED.com talk on introverts. Extremely interesting. Made me want to make friends with more introverts! Certainly helped me understand certain behaviors or patterns I didn't get before. Made me understand my husband better, that's for sure. I see him as more of a unique beautiful thing rather than quiet and withholding. Rather life changing I'd say. (Not that he doesn't have to learn to reach out too. )

[Misshalfway]

Hi Halfers! Yours in an interesting question coming from you. You are one of the easiest persons to talk to and befriend IMO. You are real, interesting, caring, intelligent, fun, funny, thoughtful, a good conversationalist, active in threads and an all around awesome person. :)

Ah shoot! Get over here.

[beefche]

I suppose I mean both.

When you say that the "hang out and enjoy" kind is easier for you, what makes it easy? I guess I'm not sure it's easy for everyone.

It's easier for me because I've learned some things that I have found works with various people. It still takes work, but I find it is easier than the work it takes to make a bosom friend.

[Dravin]

Hi Dravin. I do see that commonality seems to make or break friendship. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. I guess I'm leaning on the "not" side. Maybe that is because I get frustrated with cliques (especially in the church) because it makes us miss the forest for the trees when it comes to loving people. You know? I guess, I like the differences sometimes. I'm a pretty normal minivan driving mom over hear in my world. But I've got a good friend who is an agnostic, overly tattoed someone who rarely combs his hair, and it's a pleasure interacting with him. I guess I long for a place or time (maybe the millenium) when differences don't matter so much.

If you have nothing in common how are you friends? If nothing else you'd need to share those experiences underlying the very existence of the friendship itself. Commonality, or having differences, are not binary states. One can have both things in common, I'd argue it is necessary, and have differences, which I'd say is unavoidable.

Made me want to make friends with more introverts!

Just so long as you don't expect those friendships to exist in the same state as one with an extrovert. If extroverts making more friends with introverts means I'm going to be awash in people who expect me to get a charge out of social interaction or external focus in the same way an extrovert does... I'll pass. Particularly if they're going to take a lack of change to be more extroverted as a personal affront or a sign that something is wrong in the relationship.

Not that you are espousing this idea, but every once in a while you run into people who seem determined to 'fix' introverts through friendship. It's annoying, I'm not broken, I'm different.

Edited August 25, 2013 by Dravin

[Lakumi]

scary dolls

that's how I made my friends

[rameumptom]

Miss Halfway, first you have to do something about that Hogwarts hairdo...

Second, you learn to have love and compassion. You listen and ask the others about themselves, and spend less time speaking of yourself. You do kind service for them. Speak with joy about what goes on in your life, and leave the sadness and complaints at home. Take up their hobbies and interests as your own.

But, really. Do something with that hairdon't.