Not looking poor

[Quin]

Drats. I hate it when churchy people are all human and stuff.

Sigh.

I just got off the phone with a newer friend who was enlisting my aid in helping out another member.

So, on the bright side, she WAS enlisting help.

Here's my gripe...

He attitude was clearly that this other member didn't NEED help.

I happen to know this member quite well.

She doesn't LOOK poor.

She owns a house (when most of our ward rents)

She has freshly cut / styled hair

She has manicured nails

She & her daughter both have iPads

Her daughter is in sports & activities & private school

Et cetera.

Aka she LOOKS fairly well off.

Truth is:

- Her husband left her, after not paying the mortgage for 2 years. She can't afford to even pay the current mortgage, much less catch up.

- She's on food stamps, WIC, Free lunch program (all of which have reeeeally stringent guidelines here), because she makes minimum wage

- She's lived without power & water for months this year

- She spends only $20 a month on food for herself (cereal & milk & tuna), so her daughter can eat well. She's a newer member, and won't take food orders.

She's working hard at catching up, but she's in a seriously deep hole, and is a single mom doing her level best.

But

- Her sister works in a salon and does her nails and hair

- She sold off over 5,000 in electronics to pay bills. The iPads were Birthday gifts from grandparents

- Her mom sews clothes. So she picks up size 18 designer clothes and cuts down the frayed, worn, ragging clothes to size 10 for her daughters.

- Her daughter is scholarshipped (100%) into school & sports

SO... She's broke as a joke.

But looks well off.

It just makes me sad.

friend A was calling to enlist rides to church for Friend B (friend B's ancient car is broken and she can't afford to fix it right now)... And I lost my temper.

I snapped at her that she needs to keep her mouth shut over issues she knew nothing about. B makes less than 10k per year, is about to have her house foreclosed on, her kid is scholars hopped into everything, and the poor woman barely eats! They didn't have power or water all freaking winter long, because her ex didn't bother to pay any of the bills and took off with everything. Have some freaking compassion.

Face. Meet palm.

That wasn't my story to tell.

I'm so embarrassed.

I've known sooooooo many people like B, though. Where they aren't walking around looking like bag ladies, so other people assume they're scamming the system and are deserving of contempt and derision.

Grrrrr.

It drives me nuts.

Q

[Bini]

First off, people aren't mind readers in general, so there's always a certain degree of pre-judgment. Is it wrong to do this? Sure but everyone has their initial thoughts and impressions. I think a better way of addressing this issue would have been to simply say: "Appearances can be deceiving". If you really feel that this situation should further be addressed, perhaps privately share your concerns with the bishop and allow him to handle the situation.

[Smudge]

Unfortunately people do make judgments based on appearance!

I have spent many years either unemployed or as a full time carer on state benefits - I have had times in my life where the only reason I have been able to get to church is because the church paid for a taxi as the road between my town and the town church is in isn't particularly safe to walk. Yet I turn up well dressed and looking nice at church, have done without to have new scriptures when I needed them etc and travelled to friends weddings across the country (travelling budget bus companies and getting their £1 journeys). So when I say to someone that no actually I can't afford the bus fare they are asking me to pay or that no that meal they want me to go to is not "only £10" it might as well be 10 times that when that is all I have left after I pay all my bills etc. When you make the effort that is all people see. Most of my cloths are either from charity shops or the ends of the sales when they are reduced only a few pounds.

Lately I have been watching "extreme couponers" and doing so might be a way to help your friend - maybe not to the extremes of these people - I can see how even in moderation couponing can help stretch budgets etc.

[Quin]

First off, people aren't mind readers in general, so there's always a certain degree of pre-judgment. Is it wrong to do this? Sure but everyone has their initial thoughts and impressions. I think a better way of addressing this issue would have been to simply say: "Appearances can be deceiving". If you really feel that this situation should further be addressed, perhaps privately share your concerns with the bishop and allow him to handle the situation.

Right?

I just made a bad situation worse.

She was going off, so I went off... And both of us had our feet in our mouths.

Q

[Guest]

People are the worst.

[Bini]

People are the worst.

I agree! Luckily for Pam, she's exempt because she's not a person but a gingerbread man/woman/thing.

[beefche]

Don't you just love how God is there to teach us? What a great opportunity for you to learn a better way to approach this for future occurrences. So, look back on how you handled it, think of how you think you should have handled it, and file that away for another time that something similar will happen (and it WILL happen).

[pam]

I agree! Luckily for Pam, she's exempt because she's not a person but a gingerbread man/woman/thing.

Yeh right. People are always biting my head off. Sheesh.

[Guest]

Or your limbs.

[Just_A_Guy]

As Eowyn's graphic shows, there's relatively little problem with putting your foot in your own mouth. It's when it goes into someone else's mouth that the really bad stuff happens.

Quin, why not just call Friend A, apologize for losing your composure, and let her know that you shouldn't have said what you said about Friend B, and you hope she'll keep it confidential? And set a lunch date, while you're at it.

I mean, Friend A is probably feeling pretty embarrassed, too . . .

Edited September 4, 2013 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

And by the way, just because somebody is well off doesn't mean they don't need help. Yes, even from the "not even off, let alone well off" folks. My brother is a 7 bedroom/5.5 bathroom kind of well off. My dad got cancer. Loads of money spent (health insurance in the Philippines don't cover cancer treatments). He shouldered most of the expenses as well as all the decisions regarding my dad. He was so strong. Or so we thought. The day before my dad was buried, he broke down. I realized how much we all just leaned on him and he didn't have anybody to lean on. :-(

[applepansy]

We all put our foots in our mouths at one time or another.

But this issue is a pet peeve for me. Appearances are never a reason to judge. And it goes both ways. People who appear well off who aren't and people who beg on the streets as a job and then go home to a nice house.

I like the sign in our RS room this year. It says "Observe. The Serve." The only thing I'd add is "if church leadership asks you to help someone, do it....without complaining." We can never know and often its none of our business. Its never wrong to help someone, even those who ARE or appear to be better off than ourselves.

[Backroads]

Quin, I think you just need a big hug.

[Quin]

And by the way, just because somebody is well off doesn't mean they don't need help. Yes, even from the "not even off, let alone well off" folks. My brother is a 7 bedroom/5.5 bathroom kind of well off. My dad got cancer. Loads of money spent (health insurance in the Philippines don't cover cancer treatments). He shouldered most of the expenses as well as all the decisions regarding my dad. He was so strong. Or so we thought. The day before my dad was buried, he broke down. I realized how much we all just leaned on him and he didn't have anybody to lean on. :-(

Point well reminded. My parents were fairly well off salary wise... But my grandmother's care cost the, 10k per month for almost 20 years. They spent that entire time on a shoestring, even though they "made" 10k a month, it funneled right into my grandmother's long term care.

Q

[Bini]

I have never put my foot in my mouth. Ever.