Having a struggle with someone in my ward caught up in perfectionism.

[LittleWyvern]

When a job in the ward needs to be done she is always so quick to volunteer and take over that many others who would like to do it but are a little more timid never get the chance. She often (like every week) monopolizes comment time in classes.

I think at that point it's the Bishop's responsibility to give Ms. Superwoman a gentle reminder in private that it's important to make sure everybody has an opportunity to participate in class discussions and ward projects.

EDIT: and by "the Bishop's responsibility" I mean "it's not your responsibility so let other people worry about it for you." :)

[Guest]

Sometimes people volunteer all the time because they feel like if they don't, no one else will. Often they're right.

[carlimac]

I can imagine this woman who is sometimes the bain of my existence thinking about me, "I wish she wouldn't be such a stick in the mud. Why does she never take her kids anywhere? Why is she always so grumpy? What have I done to offend her? Why won't she ever call me anymore?"

We all have our hang-ups. Sorry to dump my frustrations with this friend on you all. Sorry if anyone took whatever I said personally or if it struck a painful chord. We all have plenty of room to grow, acknowledge our imperfections, repent, align our thoughts and actions more closely with the Savior's. I have been going through this process for a few days. She is a dear woman with lots of love to share but a bit insecure and needs the spotlight to reinforce that she is actually good. I don't know why it bothers me so much. Maybe because I actually could do a lot better in my own efforts to reach out to others and in teaching my kids what they need to know.

I've been tired with way too much on my mind and no way to do anything about a big chunk of my concerns for the last 6 weeks or so. This was just a little by product of the stress in my life (my husband is interviewing for jobs out of state which would seriously upset the apple cart if he accepted an offer elsewhere. Plus lots of needy people in my life right now, too.)

I appreciate those of you who reminded me to be more patient and Christlike.

[Guest]

That kind of stress can make everything else harder. While you're working on being more gentle with her, extend the same grace to yourself. I hope things settle down soon. Limbo is one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

[Backroads]

I kept thinking about this thread and wondered if this woman has any close friends. It might be worth it to hear from someone trusted and dear about her behavior.

[Dravin]

I kept thinking about this thread and wondered if this woman has any close friends. It might be worth it to hear from someone trusted and dear about her behavior.

Or just talk directly to her about it. Though the key to any such conversation would be to talk about how she's perceived rather than what she supposedly is.

[Bini]

Or just talk directly to her about it. Though the key to any such conversation would be to talk about how she's perceived rather than what she supposedly is.

I agree. Things could go terribly sour if you were to approach a 'friend' of the individual rather than the individual themselves. If that person ever found out that you'd chatted about them behind their back to a supposedly trusted friend about perhaps a private matter believed to be confidential - it could end up just bad.

[Backroads]

Dravin and Bini, yes and yes.

My original musing was to become kindred spirits with this woman before saying anything.

[Guest]

I can imagine this woman who is sometimes the bain of my existence thinking about me, "I wish she wouldn't be such a stick in the mud. Why does she never take her kids anywhere? Why is she always so grumpy? What have I done to offend her? Why won't she ever call me anymore?"

We all have our hang-ups. Sorry to dump my frustrations with this friend on you all. Sorry if anyone took whatever I said personally or if it struck a painful chord. We all have plenty of room to grow, acknowledge our imperfections, repent, align our thoughts and actions more closely with the Savior's. I have been going through this process for a few days. She is a dear woman with lots of love to share but a bit insecure and needs the spotlight to reinforce that she is actually good. I don't know why it bothers me so much. Maybe because I actually could do a lot better in my own efforts to reach out to others and in teaching my kids what they need to know.

I've been tired with way too much on my mind and no way to do anything about a big chunk of my concerns for the last 6 weeks or so. This was just a little by product of the stress in my life (my husband is interviewing for jobs out of state which would seriously upset the apple cart if he accepted an offer elsewhere. Plus lots of needy people in my life right now, too.)

I appreciate those of you who reminded me to be more patient and Christlike.

Everyone is different and have different buttons. It may help to just put on the brakes for a while, regroup, re-energize, and then go back to the fray.

Here's a from me to you. Maybe it will help in the re-energizing part.

I do believe that Scarlet O'Hara's leaving things for tomorrow (or next week, or next month for that matter) has merit.

[Maureen]

I haven't read to the end, but carlimac from what you have describe of your neighbor she may have narcissistic personality disorder. Check it out.

What Is Narcissism? (with picture)

M.

[carlimac]

I haven't read to the end, but carlimac from what you have describe of your neighbor she may have narcissistic personality disorder. Check it out.

What Is Narcissism? (with picture)

M.

Interesting. Some of it fits but some not. She can be self absorbed but only in some aspects of her life- like in doing the right thing all the time! She does have empathy for others, almost to a fault. But it all comes across rather unnaturally. I think her lack of close friendships is that she is just too intense in her enthusiasm and involvement in peoples lives. She's trying too hard. She tends to make everyone her projects. No one wants to feel like a project. It all feels like she's doing it because she knows she's supposed to. I think it's genetic or learned behavior for her because from what I've observed in her parents, they are just like her.

[willie]

I don't think that this person is really the problem or issue. The issue is why you seem to care about this persons behavior so much in the first place. What is going on with you that makes this person and their behavior so important in the first place?

[Maureen]

I don't think that this person is really the problem or issue. The issue is why you seem to care about this persons behavior so much in the first place. What is going on with you that makes this person and their behavior so important in the first place?

carlimac has explained several times in this thread why this person's behavior sometimes drives her crazy (abbreviated interpretation). If it's unclear, re-read the thread.

M.

[Maureen]

After doing a little more reading I have found that there is non-pathological (or normal) narcissism and pathological narcissism (narcissist personality disorder). carlimac, I think your neighbor is probably closer to non-pathological narcissism.

Non-pathological narcissism is defined as the way in which a person relates to others and focuses on the issues of self-esteem and the ways in which an individual maintains the stability of their sense of self. For someone with narcissistic tendencies, the focus is principally upon the self rather than on others. What is referred to as normal narcissism is seen as an expression of self-preservation, self-regard, self- assertiveness with normal levels of entitlement and competitiveness, and competitiveness that includes an appropriate level of empathy and compassion.2 A person with healthy strong self-regard will not only have his or her best interests at heart, but will also have a concern that the rights and needs of others are met as well. According to Stone, appropriate self-regard and self-evaluation also mean that one’s sense of worth is accurate, such that one aims, occupationally, neither below nor above one’s capacities and, romantically, neither above nor below one’s approximate ranking in the hierarchy of potential mates.3

Millon describes the personal style of the normal narcissistic person as being competitive and self-assured: An interpersonal boldness, stemming from a belief in themselves and their talents, characterizes these persons. Competitive, ambitious, and self-assured, they naturally assume positions of leadership, act in a decisive and unwavering manner, and expect others to recognize their special qualities and cater to them. Beyond being self-confident, they are audacious, clever, and persuasive, having sufficient charm to win others over to their own causes and purposes. Problematic in this regard may be their lack of social reciprocity and their sense of entitlement their assumption that what they wish for is their due. On the other hand, their ambitions often succeed, and they typically prove to be effective leaders.6

intro

M.

[mnn727]

Keep in mind you see Church people for 3 hours a week at their very best (usually) and you only hear what they want you to hear.

What their own personal struggles are the rest of the time you don't see or hear.

I'm not going to tell anyone at Church I loath my brother and hope he dies soon. (example only) I'm not going to say a word about him or if someone knows he's now living with us I am going to say him moving in is a struggle sometimes and leave it at that.

[Misshalfway]

Hi Carlimac.

What this woman is doing isn't about you. It's about her and her fears.

What is about you is your reaction to her.

I guess I tend to believe that what "bothers" us in others is a reflection of something going on inside of us. Which isn't that weird. It happens to all of us! All of us get bugged by other humans regardless of whether or not they have NPD or any other ailment of character. It happens on this forum every day. And it's ok. We need it to happen.

I tend to believe that these irksome interactions, while difficult and often triggering, are an opportunity in disguise. So what if you are "giving your power away" or that maybe this woman is just annoying. Either way, it's an opportunity. The trick is getting curious instead of furious. :) There is always a lesson to be learned, and it's usually a lesson about love.

These painful crazy people that come into our lives and ruffle our feathers.....they are teachers in disguise. I always know that if I'm judging them that I'm probably ceasing to love. I guess I wonder what it would be like if you met this woman exactly as she is, doing exactly what see is doing, with compassion instead of judgment or with curiosity instead of fear of being judged? Would it change anything?

[person122]

Interesting. Some of it fits but some not. She can be self absorbed but only in some aspects of her life- like in doing the right thing all the time! She does have empathy for others, almost to a fault. But it all comes across rather unnaturally. I think her lack of close friendships is that she is just too intense in her enthusiasm and involvement in peoples lives. She's trying too hard. She tends to make everyone her projects. No one wants to feel like a project. It all feels like she's doing it because she knows she's supposed to. I think it's genetic or learned behavior for her because from what I've observed in her parents, they are just like her.

You are correct about your assumption. She is not doing it to be hurtful or mean. She is doing it because that is how she was raised. I know from my own life. If she is like me, you would probably be surprised at her lack of judging you. She probably has enough on her plate. I can tell a lot of people in my ward think we judge them. We really don't. My hubby gets judged at church all the time because he is a serious person and not laughing and joking like all the other men. Guess what. That is how he grew up....in a serious home.` He is a convert and didn't grow up around all the humor that the men in our ward commonly use. People have reall hurt his feelings a few times with hurtful comments that he is trying to be the bishop. They try and say it in a joking way, but he knows what they mean. No, he is living his religion as he wants to. I can tell people think we are judging them. He is the most won't gossip guy I know. He doesn't like gossip at all. He does not like to judge anyone. I have learned a lot from him in that area. I guess we all have something.