Wanting to marry him after one month?

[Wingnut]

I have heard him say he doesn't like R rated movies because of the sex in them and that porn is really bad, but I will be sure to ask him.

Just out of curiosity, how long has he been home from his mission (I'm assuming he went on one)?

[Guest kaybm]

There isn't a magical number but I'm a firm believer that if you're able to mix and mingle with a lot of different people - you should - and in that process if you're able to date many of them - you should. It's a great way to learn more about who YOU are and what you're potentially looking for and not looking for in a partner. Overall, I'd say the more dates and exposure to different people and personalities the better, as opposed to going on one or only a few dates.

I am not a person who gets all the dates. I mean I have been told I am pretty but usually guys tell me I am really pretty. I have gone on some dates with guys or hung out with guys and I can specifically point out "well I don't want this in my future husband" and also my boyfriend does have a lot of qualities that I do want in a spouse but I am waiting to see if more pops out or changes within the next 6-12 months.

[Guest kaybm]

Just out of curiosity, how long has he been home from his mission (I'm assuming he went on one)?

3 Months. He had a girl waiting for him too and 2 weeks after he got home, they broke up because they both changed due to him maturing on his mission and because she wasn't trustworthy of him. He then started to date around before we started going out last month.

[Wingnut]

3 Months.

That's about what I figured. Actually, I'd guessed more like 2 months. But yeah.

He's likely in his own kind of post-mission honeymoon stage right now himself, that has nothing to do with you.

[beefche]

I was just wondering is it weird to think you have found the one within a month of dating.

No, it isn't strange. I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates." I believe we can marry a type of person and there are many who can fit that. So, to meet someone and right away think that he/she is someone you can marry is reasonable. It's actually marrying that quickly that can be problematic (and there are many, many stories to the contrary, but in general, I believe it is not a good idea).

[beefche]

that's about what i figured. Actually, i'd guessed more like 2 months. But yeah.

He's likely in his own kind of post-mission honeymoon stage right now himself, that has nothing to do with you.

truth.

[Guest kaybm]

See, this is not a good thing. It is very easy to say... "Of course, I'm not into porn!"... you're not going to find out for sure he is not lying to your face until such time that you know him well enough that you don't have to ask, you just know. There are some subtle signs that manifests itself once one gets to really know someone... we call these Red Flags. Before marriage, you have the choice to accept or walk away from Red Flags. After marriage... your choices become very limited.

I know and I actually can tell when he is lying to me and he can tell when I am hiding or lying about something. I know it is easier to walk away from a red flag when in a relationship rather when you are married.

[MarginOfError]

Holy cow! 50 people? I feel badly for those people who rarely go on dates due to various circumstances. I certainly didn't date even near 20 people and I was in the dating pool many, many years. I think that number is excessive, although I agree with the thought behind it.

I think I only made it to about 25. I guess you're just well ahead of the learning curve, beefy.

[Guest kaybm]

No, it isn't strange. I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates." I believe we can marry a type of person and there are many who can fit that. So, to meet someone and right away think that he/she is someone you can marry is reasonable. It's actually marrying that quickly that can be problematic (and there are many, many stories to the contrary, but in general, I believe it is not a good idea).

Honestly, I don't want to jump in and get married right away. I rather know him really well before we go to the temple and get married. Him and I right now think we are the one for each other but things can always change down the road. I could be back here in the spring and be in class and meet someone else that is better or while I am gone he could meet someone better than me. We don't think that would happen but it could. I rather get to know him first before scheduling a wedding super fast. I want to be married once and forever rather than getting a divorce. He said the same thing too.

[Guest kaybm]

That's about what I figured. Actually, I'd guessed more like 2 months. But yeah.

He's likely in his own kind of post-mission honeymoon stage right now himself, that has nothing to do with you.

Post-mission honeymoon? Isn't that when they are still super spiritual and trying to do everything right or something?

[Guest]

I know and I actually can tell when he is lying to me and he can tell when I am hiding or lying about something. I know it is easier to walk away from a red flag when in a relationship rather when you are married.

You know... this is not about a number. 30 days, 25 days, a week, a year... that's not the gauge.

The gauge is how confident you are that you know who he is inside and not just what he tries to show you outside and that you accept full responsibility when things you thought you knew ended up wrong. That can take 5 days, 5 months, 5 years. This is really more about who you are rather than who he is. It can take a lifetime to get to know somebody that well (I still don't claim I know my husband completely after 16 years of marriage)... but, accepting everything about him - the good, the bad, the ugly, the ones you know as well as the ones you thought you knew but didn't and those that you didn't know... now that's what can take 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years... that's up to you.

I'm not sure you read my previous post... I'm Filipino. I grew up with a strong conviction that divorce is not an option (illegal in the Philippines). It brings a really different mindset to marriage preparation and marriage itself than what I can see in American society where you have an "out".

[Guest kaybm]

You know... this is not about a number. 30 days, 25 days, a week, a year... that's not the gauge.

The gauge is how confident you are that you know who he is inside and not just what he tries to show you outside and that you accept full responsibility when things you thought you knew ended up wrong. That can take 5 days, 5 months, 5 years. This is really more about who you are rather than who he is. It can take a lifetime to get to know somebody that well (I still don't claim I know my husband completely after 16 years of marriage)... but, accepting everything about him - the good, the bad, the ugly, the ones you know as well as the ones you thought you knew but didn't and those that you didn't know... now that's what can take 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years... that's up to you.

I'm not sure you read my previous post... I'm Filipino. I grew up with a strong conviction that divorce is not an option (illegal in the Philippines). It brings a really different mindset to marriage preparation and marriage itself than what I can see in American society where you have an "out".

I really don't like the "out" because you should marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever or the rest of your life where you two can cherish each other, bring out the best of each other, help each other through hard and easy times (the thick and thin) and just be equally yoked (like the Savior). You should want to stand by their side all the time. I believe you are always going to learn new things about each everyday and you are going to grow and you should grow together. I honestly, want to be married to one person and that would be for the rest of my life.

[MarginOfError]

Post-mission honeymoon? Isn't that when they are still super spiritual and trying to do everything right or something?

It's also the period where they have trouble seeing things through the messy lens of reality.

The best way I can describe it is that missionaries develop a personality that is appropriate to the work they are performing. That personality doesn't always map over to the unregimented and unscripted world that awaits them when they return. It can take several months for recently returned missionaries to discover how to carry over the personality traits and habits of their mission life into their future personality.

It's also important to keep in mind that, psychologically speaking, people's personalities are still very much in development at age 21. While the physical changes associated with puberty are mostly complete, a lot of the psychological and emotional changes are still wrapping up. Both yours and his minds are still going through the last phases of development. Getting this strongly attached to someone who is about to go through serious psychological and personality changes is risky business.

[Guest]

I really don't like the "out" because you should marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever or the rest of your life where you two can cherish each other, bring out the best of each other, help each other through hard and easy times (the thick and thin) and just be equally yoked (like the Savior). You should want to stand by their side all the time. I believe you are always going to learn new things about each everyday and you are going to grow and you should grow together. I honestly, want to be married to one person and that would be for the rest of my life.

Yep. After knowing the guy for only one month though... you could possibly wake up a week after you got married and find out he's Dexter... so, equally yoked may not be what you get. So, as long as you're willing to take that possibility and still stick to your commitment, you're fine.

[Backroads]

Not reading past the first page...

I always believed I would date a guy for a year. I dated my husband for six months before we got engaged. Sometimes... sometimes... I wish I had dated him longer to prepare for myself for a few things. But, all in all, the things that bug me about him are things I can deal with.

My recommendation... go to a marriage counselor. DO NOT consider that to be a bad thing. I think it would be wise for all couples considering marriage to go to a counselor whether or not they are having troubles.

[Guest]

Not reading past the first page...

I always believed I would date a guy for a year. I dated my husband for six months before we got engaged. Sometimes... sometimes... I wish I had dated him longer to prepare for myself for a few things. But, all in all, the things that bug me about him are things I can deal with.

My recommendation... go to a marriage counselor. DO NOT consider that to be a bad thing. I think it would be wise for all couples considering marriage to go to a counselor whether or not they are having troubles.

It's legally required in Florida so you can get your marriage license without having a waiting period.

[Anddenex]

Am I crazy or not? I am beyond happy with I am with him. He makes me a better person and whenever I think of my future, he is in it. Him and I have been talking about waiting at least 6 months before getting engaged and then after that get married in December 2014. We are college students and I am going to be gone back home for four months and I believe that will be our true test for our relationship, it's going to either make us or break us. However, I feel it will make us stronger. I want to marry him because he is just a genuine guy that is amazing and wonderful. He is sweet, kind, patient, loving, understanding, trustworthy, honest, strong (mentally and emotionally), has respect for me and others, selfless and just has amazing qualities. We also have a lot of things in common. We both agreed that the reasons why we want to get married is because we want to be by each others sides for the rest of our lives, we want to come home to each other and be able to come home and discuss our days with each other and comfort and confide in each other, and just be there for each other through the thick and thin,also we want to raise a family together (but that is down the road). People are thinking we are crazy for wanting to get married to each other, but we want to commit and work through everything together. We both have a lot of things in common and feel like we have known each other for a very long time. Are we insane or do you think we aren't? I do not know how to word this question. How about opinions? By the way he is 21 and I am 18. By December 2014 he will be 22 and I will be 19. Plus, we both want to finish our educations and not have kids until 5 years after college.

Kaybm:

I was 23 and my wife was 19 when we were married. I proposed a month after dating her. I knew her 3 months before I asked her out on our first date. We were married 8 months after the first time I met her.

If the Lord has confirmed, then move forward. If the Lord hasn't, and you are still unsure, then don't move forward until you are comfortable with your decision -- especially if the Lord confirms it.

We have been married 14 years, 5 children have resulted from our relationship, and we have a wonderful marriage -- not perfect -- but wonderful.

President Monson, shared this in general conference, "Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, “Choose your love; love your choice.” There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential."

President Monson's counsel is priceless. No one is ever fully ready for marriage. Marriage requires work, patience, love, forgiveness, and other christlike attributes.

Best wishes in your endeavors.

[Wingnut]

I can honestly say that I could be with my boyfriend if he had 3 head or got in an accident or something that messed up his face or body and if someone tried to shoot him I would jump in front of him or push him away. I know he told me last night he would love me no matter what.

This has been bugging me. So you'd stay with him despite physical disfigurements. Great. I have a cousin who got married 12 or so years ago, and three months later, she and her husband got into a car accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down, and wheelchair bound. They're still together, miraculously. But it's not been an easy road. Major traumas like that leave more than just physical scars. But still, the physical things are sometimes the easier things to confront.

It's the "no matter what" that bothers me. I've been married to my husband for almost eight years now, and I honestly can't say that I'll always love him "no matter what." I can't say that there are absolutely no circumstances under which I'd consider divorcing him. Think about some of these scenarios:

• He develops a gambling habit, draining away your life savings. Twice.
  
• He abuses you.
  
• He abuses your kids.
  
• He sexually abuses the neighbor's kids.
  
• He cheats on you.
  
• He cheats on you with a man.
  
• He is a workaholic who spends 110 hours a week working. (There are only 168 hours in a week, btw.)
  
• Ten years in, he confesses that he's gay.
  
• He's a hoarder.
  

I don't have personal experience (thankfully) with any of these scenarios. But I've considered them from time to time, some more extensively than others. I've even researched some of them.

It's a symptom of infatuation/twitterpation/honeymoon-goggles to say "no matter what." Reality is much muddier.

[MarginOfError]

This has been bugging me. So you'd stay with him despite physical disfigurements. Great. I have a cousin who got married 12 or so years ago, and three months later, she and her husband got into a car accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down, and wheelchair bound. They're still together, miraculously. But it's not been an easy road. Major traumas like that leave more than just physical scars. But still, the physical things are sometimes the easier things to confront.

It's the "no matter what" that bothers me. I've been married to my husband for almost eight years now, and I honestly can't say that I'll always love him "no matter what." I can't say that there are absolutely no circumstances under which I'd consider divorcing him. Think about some of these scenarios:

• He develops a gambling habit, draining away your life savings. Twice.
  
• He abuses you.
  
• He abuses your kids.
  
• He sexually abuses the neighbor's kids.
  
• He cheats on you.
  
• He cheats on you with a man.
  
• He is a workaholic who spends 110 hours a week working. (There are only 168 hours in a week, btw.)
  
• Ten years in, he confesses that he's gay.
  
• He's a hoarder.
  

I don't have personal experience (thankfully) with any of these scenarios. But I've considered them from time to time, some more extensively than others. I've even researched some of them.

It's a symptom of infatuation/twitterpation/honeymoon-goggles to say "no matter what." Reality is much muddier.

Wow, wingers...your husband has serious issues.

[person122]

I really don't like the "out" because you should marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever or the rest of your life where you two can cherish each other, bring out the best of each other, help each other through hard and easy times (the thick and thin) and just be equally yoked (like the Savior). You should want to stand by their side all the time. I believe you are always going to learn new things about each everyday and you are going to grow and you should grow together. I honestly, want to be married to one person and that would be for the rest of my life.

Whaaaa? Marrying someone because you love them and want to be with them is secondary. Spiritual first, mental health, physical health, having things in common.. all the others mentioned by other posters and then love. The Spirit is #1. So, to me it doesn't matter if you "know" after a month or a year because everybody is different. My husband and I started dating a month after his mission. My husband was my first boyfriend and I don't regret it. He was the first person I ever kissed. I wasn't looking to get married and was really scared most of the time. I wasn't desperate. I wasn't looking to get out of the house. I thought I would start looking when I was 25 (we got married when I was 21). Heavenly Father knew this was the man and he would be the best person for me. We were engaged after 2 1/2 months and married after dating almost 6 months. First clue for me we might be marrying was when we had been dating a month. I had hurt his feelings and he called me to say we shouldn't date anymore. I didn't know this when I answered the phone. As soon as I picked up the phone I started to cry (not like me at all). As soon as I had picked up the phone I had this INTENSE feeling of missing him. He asked me what was the matter. I told him, we talkeded for a little bit.. By the way, he never got to the not dating thing. After, I hung up the phone I realized something weird had happened. Something that was not from me. Spirit #1 Could go on and on. One of my favorite subjects.:)

[person122]

Oh, and I wasn't in love with him when I got the first clue I was going to marry him.

[Just_A_Guy]

Kaybm, I think the separation is a great idea. I spent about four months in a different state than Just_A_Girl before we got engaged.

And if you'll forgive the judgmentalism inherent in this observation: You talk a lot like a good, recently-RM friend of mine does when he's in a relationship where things got physical too fast. Why don't you quit smoochin' this guy for the next month or two, and then re-evaluate in late February and see if you're both still thinking marriage?

[Guest]

This has been bugging me. So you'd stay with him despite physical disfigurements. Great. I have a cousin who got married 12 or so years ago, and three months later, she and her husband got into a car accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down, and wheelchair bound. They're still together, miraculously. But it's not been an easy road. Major traumas like that leave more than just physical scars. But still, the physical things are sometimes the easier things to confront.

It's the "no matter what" that bothers me. I've been married to my husband for almost eight years now, and I honestly can't say that I'll always love him "no matter what." I can't say that there are absolutely no circumstances under which I'd consider divorcing him. Think about some of these scenarios:

• He develops a gambling habit, draining away your life savings. Twice.
  
• He abuses you.
  
• He abuses your kids.
  
• He sexually abuses the neighbor's kids.
  
• He cheats on you.
  
• He cheats on you with a man.
  
• He is a workaholic who spends 110 hours a week working. (There are only 168 hours in a week, btw.)
  
• Ten years in, he confesses that he's gay.
  
• He's a hoarder.
  

I don't have personal experience (thankfully) with any of these scenarios. But I've considered them from time to time, some more extensively than others. I've even researched some of them.

It's a symptom of infatuation/twitterpation/honeymoon-goggles to say "no matter what." Reality is much muddier.

Not true. Any one of those list... or any other reason at all... will not cause me to release myself from my marital promise - in sickness and in health, and all that jazz... I take it literally. I am dedicated to doing everything in my power to bring both of us to becoming One with God. Yes, it might require that I remove myself and my children from my husband's presence, but that doesn't mean I remove myself from my promise. And that's really why I married my husband. Because he's the guy that I can make that promise to.

[Anddenex]

It's a symptom of infatuation/twitterpation/honeymoon-goggles to say "no matter what." Reality is much muddier.

I said this to my wife "I would love you no matter what." We are long out of the honeymoon situation and I love her "no matter what."

[Guest kaybm]

Wow, wingers...your husband has serious issues.

The way I meant was I would want to be with him if he was sick with a disease or cancer, would be with him if he was paralyzed or missing limbs, if he was burnt, if he was depressed or something happened to him emotionally, physically and emotionally. If he cheated on me I probably would try to work things out by going to marriage council and if he did it again then I probably would walk away. But, through anything happens where it could break us up then I would try my best to work things out before calling it quits. We almost broke up and we sat down and thought of someways to work things out and we just sat there and talked it out and I almost broke down crying. But before we even got into a relationship I was in the temple and had this prompting that I will marry him. Also, everywhere I go has something with marriage in it. On thanksgiving night my boyfriend and I was playing a game with his family and these people from his ward and we both had a thought that we could see each other married to each other. And one night when he was half asleep on the phone and talking about marriage and I felt the spirit so strong. Right before we got in a relationship I was about to go on a date with another guy and I had this feeling that I should only be with my boyfriend and only see him and I had to sit there and think because I would miss him too much and we click really well.