Feeling So Lonely

[tumbledquartz]

I don't really know why I'm posting here. I just feel so lonely right now and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. My husband and I have been separated for a few months, and he says he wants to get back together, but he doesn't seem to be trying very hard to change at the same time.

For those who don't remember me from when I posted a year ago or so, he was threatening to leave me if I didn't lose weight and basically become a "trophy" wife. He had quit going to church and started doing drugs and drinking. In the last few months, he has also started smoking and drinking coffee. It seems like he is getting deeper into the lifestyle that I don't really want my kids around instead of trying to break out of it.

When I talked to him today, he said that he doesn't care that I'm fat (yes, he has a delicate way of choosing his words) and that he wants me back because I'm the mother of his kids and he misses me and he misses seeing them every day.

Part of me wants to just take him back because I miss having a man around and I don't really feel all that worthy or special at the moment. The reason I married him in the first place despite a prompting not to is because I didn't think anyone else would want me, and now I'm back to those same feelings again.

Maybe being single is better than being married to the wrong person in theory, but I don't do single very well. I need to learn how to be okay by myself without worrying about whether I will ever find someone else, but like I said, all of that is much easier in theory than in practice.

Also, I've gotten my hopes up before that he would change and was crushed to realize later that he was just trying to manipulate me.

And the real icing on the cake is that he cheated on me and blamed me for it because I wasn't trying hard enough to lose weight for him. He has never seemed really repentant about that, and I'm having a hard time believing that it wouldn't happen again.

Maybe the hardest part is that we are still living in a state of limbo, where we are married but not living together or fully committed to the marriage. I can't even /think/ about dating or wondering if someone else would want to marry me because I'm still married. But I don't have the support, emotionally or otherwise, that comes from being married, either. The spirit was very clear, though, that I wasn't supposed to divorce him, when I prayed about it a year ago, so I don't know what to do other than wait.

[Roseslipper]

Im sorry your in this situation. I want you to know that your a daughter of God, your divine. I know having a weight problem can cause problems, but he doesnt seem like a nice guy to put you down 4 it!! There are a percentage of men out there small that it is that like bigger woman. I know how it feels to be lonely i've never been married and I'm in my 50s. I guess I got what I wanted I never wanted to be in a situation to have to go thru a divorce. I think that is the hardest thing of all things to do...Yes You cant date if your still married. Your are the only one who can make up your mind do I want to stay like this or let it go? Its been a yr. since u were touched by the Spirit on this question, it might be time to ask again!!! and really listen!!!!!!make sure you are getting these feelings from the Lord, not from yourself!!! Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be unhappy and be in abuseive relationships. He seems from the little you said that he is emotionally abusive, that is no good!! He cheated on you remember that he is now doing drugs, and drinking and not going to church, those things are way worse then you being a big girl. He using that as an excuse!! I know it seems like your losing out but he really is. If this marriage can be saved great but it's been a yr already and nothing has happened seems to have just gotten worse. The best thing for you is to get into full swing @ church Grow closer to the God head, put your trust in them, not worldy things. This life is so short compaired to eternity..AgainI dont know the whole story so its hard to give advise...I just know that you are a daughter of God, your divine and you deserve so much.Thers's many single or divorced woman who are knock outs & not married dont use your weight as a shield!!It might be wise to go talk to the bishop or get the lds social service # in your area from him. A little bit of counseling is a good thing, its not bad!!!Theres This old song walk tall your a daughter a daughter of GOd be strong please try to remember who you are, try to understand your part of his great plan...etc etc he needs you, us But we need him more. seek ye first the kingdom of God and all alse will fall into place maybe not at the time we want it, but at the time the Lord knows will be best for us. I wish you the best sister I do know that this life can get unfair and hard....Be strong you can do it!!!!!

Edited December 9, 2013 by Roseslipper

[Finrock]

What I'm going to suggest isn't going to be easy. It may even sound like a bunch of platitudes. I promise you that these are serious, powerful, and wonderful principles.

1. Believe that Heavenly Father loves you. Believe that He is involved in your life. Believe that He knows what you are going through. Believe that He can heal you.

2. Believe that Jesus Christ in reality did suffer and die for you. His Atonement is able to cover and heal any suffering, trial, or wound.

3. Don't worry about your husband. Fear God (look this up if you don't know what fearing God means).

4. Learn the doctrine of Christ and strive to live it. Ask God questions about the gospel. Ponder it. Then do everything you can to live it!

5. Talk to God as a daughter talks to a father. If you don't know how to talk to Him or what to say to Him, tell Him that and ask Him to help you. Learn to ask the right questions.

6. Just believe!

-Finrock

[Rimmer]

I think that he will not get over your weight. He has used this as an excuse for HIS shortcomings and that is certainly wrong. He is choosing to do things that are against the gospel and likely blaming you for it. I am struggling about my own divorce and the ramifications that come with it. It is not easy. If he has been the way you describe there is nothing you can do to change him. I too am going through the feelings of nobody wanting me, but I know that our Heavenly Father has plans for me. HE does things on HIS timeline, not ours. I am learning this a hard way. I'm sure it could be worse for me.

Be thankful that you have the gospel in your life and embrace the small, seemingly insignificant treasures you have. You will be shown the way, you just need to be willing to listen when the promptings may not line up with what you want for yourself. HE will show you the way.

[sarahbn]

Tumbledquartz, I'm in a similar situation except that I've already filed for divorce. If you're lonely, you can always talk to me.

[Suzie]

tumbledquartz, are you seeking counseling for yourself?. I think you would benefit greatly. You seem like a good woman trying to do what is right and I think developing your self esteem is vital for everything else in your life. Nobody is perfect but definitely I believe you shouldn't go back to someone who doesn't respect you and who isn't serious about changing. It would be very sad if you go back just because you don't want to be alone, you would be very unhappy and unhappy marriages create unhappy children.

I suggest that you can focus on YOU at the moment and of course your children but YOU particularly. Find time to seek counseling, exercise, feel good about yourself, realize how wonderful and great you are and then...only then you would realize what you deserve and trust me, it isn't someone who cheats on you, calls you names, disrespect you and doesn't seem to be seriously willing to change.

All the best.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Suzie

[Bini]

I remember you!

As an outsider and only going on what I know, I would strongly suggest to keep you and your children away from him, for your own safety. From what I understand he is not proactively trying to change his ways, nor does his behaviour reflect any sincere regret for his actions.

Part of me wants to just take him back because I miss having a man around and I don't really feel all that worthy or special at the moment.

And you won't feel any more special being around him with his current behaviour.

Maybe being single is better than being married to the wrong person in theory, but I don't do single very well. I need to learn how to be okay by myself without worrying about whether I will ever find someone else, but like I said, all of that is much easier in theory than in practice.

But I did it and you can too. It wasn't easy and it was lonely for a time. But you don't find self worth from others. You find it from within and to do that you must start focusing on YOUR NEEDS. That means stay away from toxic influences and rebuild your self-esteem, be a strong and healthy role model for your children - they need you right now to do that.

Also, I've gotten my hopes up before that he would change and was crushed to realize later that he was just trying to manipulate me.

While it's possible for someone to change, that person must do it themselves, and until you see a genuine lifestyle change and sincere remorse for having destroyed your marriage - I'd keep your distance.

And the real icing on the cake is that he cheated on me and blamed me for it because I wasn't trying hard enough to lose weight for him. He has never seemed really repentant about that, and I'm having a hard time believing that it wouldn't happen again.

Have you considered that the promptings you are feeling are from the Lord?

Also, I understand you're still legally married, whatever you do - don't ever be intimate with him (even if you choose to kiss and makeup) until you both go to the doctor and get a physical check-up. You don't know what he's been up to or who he's been with during the separation. Protect yourself and your health.

Maybe the hardest part is that we are still living in a state of limbo, where we are married but not living together or fully committed to the marriage. I can't even /think/ about dating or wondering if someone else would want to marry me because I'm still married. But I don't have the support, emotionally or otherwise, that comes from being married, either. The spirit was very clear, though, that I wasn't supposed to divorce him, when I prayed about it a year ago, so I don't know what to do other than wait.

Easier said than done but you need to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and there is no fault in you keeping your distance from him. Again, the part of you that has kept you from running back into his arms, just might be the Lord speaking to you. And lastly, get some counselling for yourself, you're definitely grieving right now.

[mandy151982]

I agree with what others have said. Keep yourself and your children away from him. Anyone who puts you down and trys to control and manipulate you, using emotional blackmail, and trys to make you feel like it's all your fault etc (especially that he cheated on you) doesn't deserve to be with you or your kids. Get rid of him. I recently split with an abusive and manipulative bf too who I had two young girls with, and I am finally starting to feel happy about my life again. It was hard but I knew I couldn't carry on with him especially when my little girl asked me why I wasn't happy anymore. Life is too short. You can do this!

Edited February 4, 2014 by mandy151982

[Sunday21]

This man sounds dangerous. I suggest keeping your children away from him. Lds family services give great counselling and they have heard it all. Good luck. Talk to your bishop if he is supportive. Call your visiting teachers if they are cool. Call your mother. Get a blessing. Put your name on the prayer roll at the temple. Go to the temple. Walk a friend.s dog. Good luck!

[classylady]

If he is doing drugs, that is illegal. I don't know what the laws are exactly, but I would think children (or you) should not be around a person doing drugs. What if some of his drugs or drug paraphernalia accidentally gets left in your car and then you get pulled over for a traffic violation? Or there is a raid at your home and drugs are found there? Your children could be taken away from you and put into foster care. I would stay away from him. You are the adult caregiver to your children. It is your responsibility to keep them safe. What if one of your children found some of your husband's drugs (whatever it may be) and was playing with it or put it in their mouth? This is serious. Plus, your husband has to get his drugs from somewhere. Would drug dealers end up coming to your house? Again, this is serious! It is unlawful. He could go to prison. So could you if you knowingly exposed your children to drugs.

Edited January 28, 2014 by classylady

[lagarthaaz]

Hi Tumbled Quartz, I too remember your story from last year and remember wishing you would get away from your husband who has been such a source of pain in your life.

Might I make one suggestion? Others here have reminded you that you are a daughter of god, that he knows and loves you and will be will help you through this. I'm going to suggest that perhaps the first step in learning to value and love yourself is to talk to yourself as you would someone you care deeply for. Imagine a dear friend or a grown daughter is going through what you are...what would you say to her? Now take that advice and apply it to yourself.

You (and your children) deserve more than to be chained to this immature, emotional vampire of a man who quite frankly seems to be sucking all the joy out of your life. Sure, you'll be lonely sometimes as a single person, but it sure beats being married and miserable ALL the time.