Just A Little Bit Of Humor

[Guest MrsS]

I thought we could have a topic just for jokes, funny things. Something to lighten the mood.

I found this the other night, and they just crack me up. I don't understand french at all - but I really didn't need to to see the humor.

Pat & Stanley

Add your jokes, lighthearted/funny emails, something that happened on the way to the office - - -

[Gwen]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what the man has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[Maureen]

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Yes, I can see why he would say that, I would too. This one's a keeper.

M.

[Guest MrsS]

Favorite Mother's Day:

The Ellen Show was on and she read this submission to a contest from a viewer:

So,we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli, Eli really loves chapstick...LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end.

Eli looked right into my eyes and id "chapped. Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

[pushka]

LOLOLOL...that's crazy!!! :)

[Vanilla]

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

I can so see this happening! Seriously!

[a-train]

There are certain things you keep put away for certain reasons, guns, money, underwear, tooth-brushes, and chapstick are among those things.

This is also a reminder that you always tip anyone who is alone with your car, luggage/personals, or food.

-a-train

[Dr T]

enough said

[Guest MrsS]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[pushka]

LOL MrsS...I love those!! :)

[Gwen]

mrs s you have no idea how much i needed a good laugh this morning, thank you.

[Dr T]

MrsS,

I just loved those. I chuckled a few times. Thank you for that

[Canuck Mormon]

That last one was so funny, I had to forward it to some of my co-workers.

[Guest MrsS]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

(the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

[Dr T]

ha ha, I mean boo hoo hoo, I mean...

[Guest MrsS]

I'll never look at 'canned' biscuits the same ever again

[Dr T]

Gross. That emoticon fits so well. LOL

[Canuck Mormon]

For all you blondes out there -

There was this blonde coed from the University of Utah who was driving way too fast in her red hot Mustang Boss and as she was flying down the road on campus, she noticed a set of lights flashing behind her. She pulled over and a blonde cop from campus security came up and asked for her license. After fumbling around in her purse, she couldn't find it and was getting very frustrated.

Ma'am, it's the little rectangular thing with your picture on it.

After fumbling around a bit longer, she finds a mirror with "her picture" on it and hands it to the blonde cop. He looks at it for a short time and frowns and then hands it back to her. "Ma'am, you can go, I didn't know you were a cop also."

[Gwen]

i thought i had heard all the blonde jokes. not bad lol

[Vanilla]

Loved the airplane and biscuit humor! Thanks for sharing MrsS.

[sharrard_family]

hahaha MsS.. I loved the chapstick one... It reminded me of my niece. She absolutely loves to take my mother-in-law's chapstick.... What she does with it I don't know. Lets just hope it only goes on her lips... LOL

Kortney

[Vanilla]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing ?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'. I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?'

She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

:-)

[ninjahobbit8]

There was this brunette jumping from the sidewalk to a busy road, chantting " 30 30 30 30"

A blond comes along, and joins the brunnette.

All of a sudden a semi comes by, the brunnette jumps away quickly but alas- the blond is smushed.

After a slight pause, the brunette again jumped back and forth, saying "31 31 31 31"

ahh...blond jokes...good thing i'm only part blond

[Vanilla]

There was this brunette jumping from the sidewalk to a busy road, chantting " 30 30 30 30"

A blond comes along, and joins the brunnette.

All of a sudden a semi comes by, the brunnette jumps away quickly but alas- the blond is smushed.

After a slight pause, the brunette again jumped back and forth, saying "31 31 31 31"

It has been a long time since I heard a "new" blonde joke and that one was pretty funny!

[ninjahobbit8]

thanks we do need more blond jokes. But at least we have Chuck Norris jokes! like "Chuck Norris didn't write a book, the letters assembled themselves out of fear."