Husband smoking and Lying

[Beb77]

Hello, I am new to the forums. I actually looked for a forum so I had someone to talk to- I feel as though there is no one to discuss my issues with.

I am married and I have eight children. When I met my husband, he did not smoke. Shortly after we were married, he began smoking often. Along with the smoking there have been several lies and coverups about it. We talked to our bishop and he referred my husband to addiction services, buy my husband has not gone. We were baptized about 4 months ago and had investigated the church over a year prior to that, so he knows that this is a very bad thing for him in terms of faith as well as health. I am at the end of my rope. I have been lied to so many times I can't even count- lies about smoking, catching him with electronic cigarettes, lies about buying cigarettes- there is even a charge on our bank account that I am fairly certain is for a case of cigarettes that he has stashed at work. WHen is enough enough? How do I cope with this and keep peace in my home? Yes, we have had the discussions about how his lies hurt. Yes I have tried to be supportive and helpful and nice. Nothing works. He still lies, still smokes, and now we haven't been going to church. I am at the point that I wish to leave him, but I am a stay at home mom and I can't. I cannot feel even an ounce of love for someone that continues to lie straight to my face- even when caught. I don't want to live this way forever- what can I do?

[Swiper]

Hcatching him with electronic cigarettes

Isn't it a good thing that he is using electronic cigarettes? It's a tool to help quit smoking.

[Jamie123]

Isn't it a good thing that he is using electronic cigarettes? It's a tool to help quit smoking.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Nicotine patches help too - unless of course there are separate religious rules about these. (I'm not LDS myself so wouldn't know.)

[Backroads]

If I understand your post correctly, you're more bothered by the lies than the smoking. In that case, nicotine patches and e-cigarettes are neither here or nor there.

So your husband is addicted and lies about it. Do you have any idea why he feels compelled to lie about it? It sounds like you've tried to be understanding and give him a place to be upfront and honest.

I'd say something in the marriage needs to change. I wouldn't hit the divorce button yet especially since you don't feel ready for that, but do you have any friends or family you could stay with for a time? A separation may be in order so you can both think about things from a different perspective.

[Leah]

Separations rarely help a marriage. If you separate, you need to accept ahead of time that it may be permanent.

It sounds like he has been smoking for most of your marriage. You have stayed with him all of this time, even had children with him....why is the smoking a deal-breaker now, and not when it started? Is it because of joining the church? Did the two of you have some sort of understanding? Some sort of deadline for his quitting?

It sounds like he needs help to quit smoking, not criticism. The criticism, along with the threats to leave, aren't helping the situation. It is probably making it even harder for him to quit. Quitting smoking is rough. He probably lies to avoid your negativity. I am not saying he's right, just that that is a possibility.

Why are you not going to church? Was it a joint decision?

He should not stop going to church just because he is smoking (if that is his reason). He needs the support there. He can talk to the bishop, his home teachers....ask for a referral to counseling...ask for a blessing to quit....there is lots of support to be had.

Why are you not going to church? Because you are mad at him? Does your testimony hinge on his?

See the bishop. Get counseling. The smoking issue can be resolved.

[Beb77]

Nicotine pateches and elecronic cigarettes DO NOT help people quit. It just gives them another crutch to lean on and another way to lie about being addicted in the first place. You have to understand I've been dealing with this for over two years and he does it all....and still says he "isn't addicted" at times. He will say he has had no nicotine- but in fact has been using non-smoke nicotine to fool me. For about 4 months I thought he was completely broke of his addiction, but had checked our bank account and found several unusual charges that turned out to be electronic cigarettes. He lied about it. E cigs and patches are a tool to help him lie- as he does not acknowledge that he uses these at all. Only when I've caught him or one has fallen out of his pocket. Currently we are snowed in and he is withdrawing big time and looking for an excuse to go outside to smoke. He goes from laying around near catatonic to looking out windows and talking about how he needs to shovel our car out. (and yet he will not acknowledge that he is jonesing for nicotine)

[Beb77]

By the way, you guys are entirely MISINTERPRETING what i am saying- first and foremost, I am upset because of the constant LYING. THAT, is, in fact, a deal breaker for me.

[Beb77]

Leah, I appreciate your post, but I have tried to be helpful and supportive and loving through this. I've done it for two years. We did have deadlines- our baptism was postponed for a year over this. He also agreed to quit by the time my last son was born. He is now 18 months old. I know I am supposed to continue to be supportive, but gosh I am SO hurt by the constant lies. I feel worthless and unloved and alone. This addiction battle takes his affection and his love away from me. He no longer kisses me to avoid me smelling cigarettes. He habitually washes and showers. He finds excuses to be outside and entirely avoids me when he gets home from work. The only time I get affection from him is when he wants sex- and even then, there is usually no affection or kissing involved. I have even felt him holding his breath when I am near his mouth. I just don't understand it because I value honesty and love him more than I care about the addiction. He likes having something "to himself" and enjoys keeping things from me I guess. He doesn't want to quit. I just wish he could jsut say "I'm not going to quit, I don't want to, and thats that". At least I could respect the honesty even if I don't agree with the decision. Thats what hurts the most- first I was never worth quitting for so we can have a temple marriage- then second, I am not worth the truth. This has damaged me so bad in so many ways because now I don't trust him on other fronts. I am a nervous wreck- constantly lonely and frustrated and miserable. I jsut don't know what to do short of ending things. I need to learn how to cope with being lied to and being lonely. I guess I wish there was advice for that

[Backroads]

See the bishop. Get counseling. The smoking issue can be resolved.

And the lying problem, which has been stated multiple times to be the big problem here, is something she should just accept? She should just support him while he lies to her and withdraws affection? All you did in your post was talk about an insignificant smoking problem and condemn her for feeling bad her husband isn't honest with her.

Edited January 6, 2014 by Backroads

[Beb77]

We DID see the Bishop. The issue cannot be resolved until one decides to admit that it is a problem in the first place. This is the issue. He will wake up dark eyed, shaking, and stark raving mad wanting nicotine and scream at me and tell me I am the problem, not cigarettes. I honestly never knew nicotine can do that to a person. I had a rough childhood and grew up with drug users and never saw that kind of behavior.

[Backroads]

And the above is why I think staying somewhere else for a short time might be good for you. You're miserable and sound depressed. I think you need affection and support right now. Your husband isn't providing it, and it's not healthy for you not to have it.

[Dravin]

So your husband is addicted and lies about it. Do you have any idea why he feels compelled to lie about it? It sounds like you've tried to be understanding and give him a place to be upfront and honest.

I'm wondering if her disapproval is seeping through her support. If she unconsciously recoils or recrimination comes up in her eyes when he tries to kiss her with smoke on his breath, or when she smells smoke on him, that could explain not wanting to kiss her and the other avoidances. People generally hide things when they are worried about how people react when it is found out. It could be his own guilty consciousness at work, but he could be cuing off of smaller things that she's not consciously doing. In short, if she's giving negative feedback when he goes to kiss her, he's gonna stop kissing her even if the feedback isn't in relation to the kiss per se.

Edited January 6, 2014 by Dravin

[Tzesaro]

I think the addiction recovery program contains revelation not just for the addicted (whatever substance or thing it may be), but also for those related. Here's a bit about honesty, the first step:

"Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviors admit to being addicted. To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors. We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions. As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family, friends, Church leaders, and even God. We plunged into greater and greater isolation, separating ourselves from others, especially from God. When we, as addicts, resorted to lies and secrecy, hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened spiritually. With each act of dishonesty, we bound ourselves with “flaxen cords” that soon became as strong as chains (see 2 Nephi 26:22). Then a time came when we were brought face to face with reality. We could no longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by saying, “It’s not that bad!”

A loved one, a doctor, a judge, or an ecclesiastical leader told us the truth we could no longer deny—the addiction was destroying our lives. When we honestly looked at the past, we admitted that nothing we had tried on our own had worked. We acknowledged that the addiction had only gotten worse. We realized how much our addictions had damaged relationships and robbed us of any sense of worth. At this point, we took the first step toward freedom and recovery by finding courage to admit that we were not just dealing with a problem or a bad habit. We finally admitted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed help to overcome our addictions. The amazing thing about this honest realization of defeat was that recovery finally began." - Step 1: Honesty

I can't help much. But I hope you've read this program, if not I think it would be a good idea to do so to see what you can do to help him.

[mnn727]

Nicotine pateches and elecronic cigarettes DO NOT help people quit.

Actually the above is not true. I know of 7 people in my office that quit smoking after switching to electronic cigarettes.

[Leah]

Leah, I appreciate your post, but I have tried to be helpful and supportive and loving through this. I've done it for two years. We did have deadlines- our baptism was postponed for a year over this. He also agreed to quit by the time my last son was born. He is now 18 months old. I know I am supposed to continue to be supportive, but gosh I am SO hurt by the constant lies. I feel worthless and unloved and alone. This addiction battle takes his affection and his love away from me. He no longer kisses me to avoid me smelling cigarettes. He habitually washes and showers. He finds excuses to be outside and entirely avoids me when he gets home from work. The only time I get affection from him is when he wants sex- and even then, there is usually no affection or kissing involved. I have even felt him holding his breath when I am near his mouth. I just don't understand it because I value honesty and love him more than I care about the addiction. He likes having something "to himself" and enjoys keeping things from me I guess. He doesn't want to quit. I just wish he could jsut say "I'm not going to quit, I don't want to, and thats that". At least I could respect the honesty even if I don't agree with the decision. Thats what hurts the most- first I was never worth quitting for so we can have a temple marriage- then second, I am not worth the truth. This has damaged me so bad in so many ways because now I don't trust him on other fronts. I am a nervous wreck- constantly lonely and frustrated and miserable. I jsut don't know what to do short of ending things. I need to learn how to cope with being lied to and being lonely. I guess I wish there was advice for that

Perhaps he is showering so often because he knows you hate his smoking and he is not trying to hide it, but rather be sensitive to your need not to smell it since he knows how much you hate it? The same with the breath-holding.

Per your posts, this is the only thing he lies about. He may feel backed into a corner at this point. He also needs a support system that includes professional medical and emotional/mental support. Very few people can quit cold turkey or on their own. I think also loving support by someone from the Church would be helpful, as there is also that issue of smoking being against the WoW.

You didn't address why you are no longer going to Church.

It may not be the smoking addiction that is "taking away" his affection for you. Lots of smokers are happily and succesfully married, even if the other spouse disaproves of the smoking. What may be impactinng his affection may be a lowering of his self-esteem since you have expressed a desire to abandon the marriage over this.

[mdfxdb]

. He doesn't want to quit. I just wish he could jsut say "I'm not going to quit, I don't want to, and thats that". At least I could respect the honesty even if I don't agree with the decision. Thats what hurts the most- first I was never worth quitting for so we can have a temple marriage- then second, I am not worth the truth.

I think his track record of not quitting is in fact him saying"I'm not going to quit". You should accept the fact that he isn't going to quit.

you should not get divorced just because he is not temple worthy. you did not marry him predicated on those principles, it's not fair to change the rules 1/2 way in.

He is addicted to smoking, many people are. You dissaprove, so he compensates by hiding it. It's probably getting old on his part.

[Beb77]

Why, in this culture, is there always more support for the addicted than the person that has been abused by the constant lies, financial distress, and angry outbursts? Why is it that *he* needs support and limitless understanding and everything is *my* fault- he lies because of me, etc? So, by this logic, I should be able to take my pain and hurt and go have a beer or two or three, become addicted, and then everyone can talk about how much help and support I need- because trying to be strong and not resort to crutches and instead seek advice from people that abide by the WOW and understand our beliefs about addictions gets me nowhere. I have done everything I can- prayer, the Bishop, keeping peace, trying to accept things, trying to work hard at home and keep his stress level low, letting him know I am here to talk to about it and I won't judge or be argumentative- but to no avail. Its still my fault he withdraws affection because he knows I do not like him smoking. Its my fault I am sitting here in tears ready to give up on everything- even life in general because there is not a soul I can trust and not one person out there that can comfort ME, understand ME, have compassion for ME. I am alone, and I am entirely overworked physically and spiritually trying to compensate for the lack of a father and priesthood authority over our home. In my mind and heart, we are going through other things that are very trying to faith in part because of the sending away of the Holy Spirit in our home by someone who gives in to Satans lies and tricks and then imposes them upon us. I have done nothing wrong. I have abided by the WOW, I have sought out counsel, I have done what I can do. To be told I am basically not being nice enough to him and that I am the cause of his lying is absolutely insane, and very hurtful. This is obviously the opposite of what I needed right now.

[Beb77]

"Its getting old on his part". Because he promised to quit, has told me he quit, lied to my face multiple times, lied to the missionaries, lied to the Bishop at times, and promised to be sealed to me months ago and ordain our son but now can't.

It's getting old on my part. Sorry. I am not the addict here.

[pam]

Beb77 I'm sorry you are going through this. Sometimes I think as a church and a culture we try to be so understanding and compassionate and tolerant of those that are struggling with addictions and such that we forget about the other person who has to put up with it day in and day out.

I wish you the best. I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I'm feeling for you.

[estradling75]

"Its getting old on his part". Because he promised to quit, has told me he quit, lied to my face multiple times, lied to the missionaries, lied to the Bishop at times, and promised to be sealed to me months ago and ordain our son but now can't.

It's getting old on my part. Sorry. I am not the addict here.

You are not the addict... But you are the one that is here... You are the one asking for help (the addict is not) Therefore any advice is going to be what you can do, what you can change. Because tell you all the things that your husband is doing wrong is preaching to the choir. Telling you what your husband needs to do (while might make you feel better for the moment) will have no impact on how your husband will continue to act because he isn't here and he isn't asking.

Now if all you want is sympathy we can give that to you... But you appeared to be asking for advice... So advice for you personally is what you got

[Dravin]

You are not the addict... But you are the one that is here... You are the one asking for help (the addict is not) Therefore any advice is going to be what you can do, what you can change.

I also think there is a tendency for people to react to suggestions on how they may possibly be influencing, or how they might better influence, a situation as placement of the entirety of the situation on their shoulders rather than the, "We advise the people who are here." principle at play that it is.

[lagarthaaz]

Beb, first of all I want you to know that you DO deserve understanding. You feel like he's putting cigarettes before you - and in some ways he is. But unless there are other, more serious issues going on in the marriage, that doesn't mean he doesn't love or care for you and your children.

Yes, smoking is annoying, smelly, addictive and can keep your family from enjoying all the benefits of a worthy priesthood holder in your home and lives. It's upsetting to be lied to (believe me - I know this from dealing in the past with marital issues far more serious than a husband who sneaks around with cigarettes).

But quite honestly in the grand scheme of things, smoking (and covering it up with lies) is NOT the end of the world, nor should it mean the end of your marriage.

The whole Dr Phil 'that's a deal breaker' mentality is not helpful - since it gives everyone an 'out' when they aren't happy with how their spouse is behaving.

Sometimes we find it hard to accept that our spouses are adults who are capable of making their own decisions and mistakes. We can't control them, nor should we. If we don't like what they are doing then of course we should let them know, jump up and down, get upset and angry if necessary, and let them know that their decisions are hurting us. But ultimately we have to leave it up to them to work through their addiction at their own pace. The fact that your husband is buying e-cigarettes and nicotine patches suggests that he is trying to give up, although not succeeding - yet. That's a good sign - it means he's at least acknowledged he needs to start trying things to give up his addiction.

The situation is far from ideal, but is smoking his worst vice? Apart from that does he go out to work every day to support you and your eight children? Is he a good father? Does he help you with the house and kids when he's home? No-one is perfect - and all of us are working to be better in some way. In the meantime, I would tell him there is no point him lying anymore as you know what's going on - but as long as he doesn't smoke around the children or bring cigarettes into the home, you are going to leave it with him and trust that he will do what's best for you and your family.

Then you just have to leave him with it, accept what is and make the best of what you have.

Although I've never had an addiction (but lived with a spouse who has had many), I find the AA mantra encouraging, as well as a providing a good dose of reality. Accept what is - hope and pray for change, but we cannot take away another person's agency no matter how 'entitled' we feel:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

If you can't do any of that and you really want to leave, then start taking some courses to get skilled up for work, start saving money and looking at your options. For me personally, a smoking habit (and the lies that come with it), would not be worth it to break up my family.

All the best.

[Backroads]

I woke up with this idea for you, not sure how it will work, but here goes:

First, take some time to really nurture yourself. You being at the end of your rope is not going to be helpful. When you're there, you are going to struggle with loving and caring for your husband. So take a few days, see if you can find someone to watch the kids, take care of you. See a movie, get a manicure, whatever you like to do. Get yourself to a more relaxed place.

Once you're feeling more open, take a week or two and put the lying and the smoking on the backburner. Agree not to say anything about it and try not to think about it. Then try very hard to be loving to your husband. Get him to take you out on a date.

[Beb77]

The things that make this the hardest is the other behavior that comes with the smoking. I think that the constant lying and such has changed him a lot. I do believe that when we are consciously and willingly doing something we know we shoudln't be, it weighs on our soul- it doesn't matter what someone else says to you about it. Believe it or not, I only bring it up when we are in an argument and it gets very very ugly- Often when he is stuck at home with me it is harder to sneak a smoke and so he becomes agitated and irritable and yells at everyone a lot. It all just goes downhill from there. No, he isn't helping much around the house. He does work long hours when he works, but he was off for a 4 day stretch and did barely anything around the house but tinker with what he thinks is important at the moment (fun for him). I am exhausted. I feel like I cannot ask for his help anymore because he screams at me that HE makes the money and HE works twelve hour days when he works. Basically his day off is his day OFF. IF there is a car to work on or something like that, it will get done...but I can have 12 loads of laundry and he won't lift a finger. Then at night he wants sex. I'm thinking to myself "you've got to be kidding me- you've watched me run around non stop all day cleaning and taking care of children while you sat on your butt and watched TV all day. I am exhausted, and dirty, and tired, and I just want a bath and some sleep". He is very simple minded. He doesn't understand that if he would only help me a little- or at least be nicer around here- I would be able to open up to him more. Getting yelled at and neglected is getting tiresome on my heart. This isn't my first relationship- I have been in an abusive relationship before when I was younger and he is starting to resemble the same traits on a lesser scale and it freaks me out. We went to the store last night for example and we were buying a new pillow for me since I have neck problems. He had to dominate what I bought. He scoffed and made rude comments to me when I would pick up a pillow that I wanted. I finally gave up and got one he didn't complain about. Those things may seem little, but they are bad signs. I feel myself giving in to his bad behavior more and more and shrinking away from him. Last night we went to bed and he spent a good 20 minutes telling me what a bad person I am. I only defended myself twice and then after laying there crying I got up and left to sleep on the couch. A few days ago he came home from work and kissed me and flirted with me. Of course, he got what he wanted later and then soon as that was done back to being mean and taunting me. He is not the same person he used to be. Lying and keeping secrets are ruining him and giving satan a foothold over his actions and thoughts. I truly believe that. I really wish he could see what he is doing to everyone.

[Beb77]

I am looking in to taking classes at the local college and working toward a career. I am here for now, but I do feel the need to look out for myself should things fall apart any more than they already have. I honestly would be gone by now if not for worrying about how to support myself and my kids- I have two babies that I would have to put into childcare.