Should I leave my husband?

[journeying]

I am so blessed and sometimes I'm not sure why...

Yet we all have trials and mine involves my husband. We have been married for 13 years and we have 3 children preteen down to 1.

We are sealed in the temple and my husband is a very active convert of 14 years. The most important thing to me is to do everything I can to make sure my children follow the straight and narrow. We have a special needs daughter who will grow up to be just fine if we get her the right help now. We are in the process of moving to a different state to get her one of the best schools for her condition. After much prayer we have been strongly told by Heavenly Father that we should move within the next few months.

Things seem to be going well. But my husband has been looking at pornography online, I caught him recently and I'm not sure how long it has been going on. He says it just pops up on the screen and he doesn't click on it. He's not too computer savy so I know he's lying. He also confessed to me that he has been occasionally drinking with friends. I feel that he has been looking at pornography for a long time but he won't admit it. At times he is nasty to me and leads me to believe it's my fault. He will swear sometimes and be rude to me, he tells me about the problems I have. This is classic behavior from an addict, making me believe it's my fault.

The problem is because he has lied about these things in the past and won't admit it now I don't feel I can trust him. I am not upset, I used to be but over time you become numb to it. I love him but I have lost some of it. I'm not trying so hard to hold our relationship together anymore.

I am financially independent and so if we divorce I will be completely fine. I know Heavenly Father would like me to forgive him and I do 100%. It's just so hard to be in a marriage with someone I don't trust who won't admit his sins. I would appreciate advice about what I should do.

[Sharky]

Lying goes hand-in-hand with every addiction. That's why 12-step programs people generally start out saying "Hi, I'm ____ & I'm ______." They admit it. However, getting to that point is a process that is frequently a rough & rocky road.

Blaming it on someone else is also a frequent "justification tool" used by addicts.

I could go into all sorts of reasons to be patients & keep the marriage together. I could also go into all kinds of reasons to take the kids & leave immediately.

I guess my question is, putting aside all of the reasons why & even forgetting the financial security stuff, the question is are you comfortable & at peace within your heart with taking substantial steps towards divorce?

[journeying]

Thanks for your reply. Right now I am not at peace with divorcing him, if it continues in the future I may be more comfortable, but I don't feel like I used to about him. I am trying to serve him the best I can as well as my children.

We don't have bad arguments, but it's so hard to be with someone that you can't trust 100%. When I found out he was looking at pornography and drinking I had one second of sadness and then I felt fine. Not that it was ok more of a feeling like I can't change him if this is the path he chooses but me and my children will be fine. Almost a feeling of comfort...

We get along ok, it's almost more like friends raising our children, yet I don't really trust him so it's such a strange situation. I wonder if that is a good marriage.

[Guest]

I don't think porn usage or even addiction is enough reason to automatically throw out the towel. I do think it's prudent to inform him that you know he has a problem, and that if he does not admit it and show sincere and continued effort to reform, you won't stick around forever.

[applepansy]

Its hard to not trust a spouse. But divorce? Only you can decide when its the right time for that. Long before you get to that point there are things you need to do. One is counseling. Talking through the issues with a counselor will help you. Also, If your husband came to you and told the whole truth about everything today would that change how you feel? In the middle of an issue we often feel that there isn't any love left (we're just friends living in the same house), but really search your heart. Its possible to not trust and still love.

Also, consider if you're willing to take your children's father away from them.

Nothing you've posted can't be fixed. So before you decide on divorce exhaust all the resources you can find to fix the issues.

1- try to calmly tell your husband how hurt you feel. No blaming. "I feel "this way" when I find "fill in the blank." I feel "this way" when it appears "fill in the blank".

Best Wishes.

[Sharky]

  applepansy said:

Also, If your husband came to you and told the whole truth about everything today would that change how you feel? In the middle of an issue we often feel that there isn't any love left (we're just friends living in the same house), but really search your heart. Its possible to not trust and still love.

Sometimes we forget the separation that exists between hate, dislike, like & love ....

It's easier to do with our children then it is with our spouses. "I love you though I don't like, even despise, what you do".

So yes it is possible to love & hate at the same time.

The comment of we're just friends living together struck a cord with me.

I think we all at some point thru our married lives go thru periods where it feels just that way. No issues required!

Periods where it seems the only physical contact is when we pass each pother in the hall, when text messages seem to be our only serious form of communication .... just the hectic busy lives we lead especially when there are 7 teenagers in the house.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi journeying,

It's very hard to give good advice when we only have one side of the story. From what I know about marriages, confessing another person's sins doesn't do much to help. You can only really own your own sins and issues. You haven't really mentioned your part in your marriage's problems. My free-opinion-armchair-marriage-counselor-o-matic zeroes in on this one phrase:

  journeying said:

When I found out he was looking at pornography and drinking I had one second of sadness and then I felt fine.

You got married in the temple over a decade ago, have small children, and you could only manage one second of sadness?

Again, I don't know you, and I'm not an expert, and I really don't know what I'm saying. But I wonder, if your hubby came here and told us a little about how it's like being married to you - what do you think we would hear?

I'm absolutely not justifying, dismissing, or making excuses for his sinning. If you're right and he's lying, he's engaging in activity which is threatening his marriage. But again, you can't own his part in this - just yours.

What is your part in this?

[mdfxdb]

  journeying said:

I am so blessed and sometimes I'm not sure why...

Yet we all have trials and mine involves my husband. We have been married for 13 years and we have 3 children preteen down to 1.

We are sealed in the temple and my husband is a very active convert of 14 years. The most important thing to me is to do everything I can to make sure my children follow the straight and narrow. We have a special needs daughter who will grow up to be just fine if we get her the right help now. We are in the process of moving to a different state to get her one of the best schools for her condition. After much prayer we have been strongly told by Heavenly Father that we should move within the next few months.

Things seem to be going well. But my husband has been looking at pornography online, I caught him recently and I'm not sure how long it has been going on. He says it just pops up on the screen and he doesn't click on it. He's not too computer savy so I know he's lying. He also confessed to me that he has been occasionally drinking with friends. I feel that he has been looking at pornography for a long time but he won't admit it. At times he is nasty to me and leads me to believe it's my fault. He will swear sometimes and be rude to me, he tells me about the problems I have. This is classic behavior from an addict, making me believe it's my fault.

The problem is because he has lied about these things in the past and won't admit it now I don't feel I can trust him. I am not upset, I used to be but over time you become numb to it. I love him but I have lost some of it. I'm not trying so hard to hold our relationship together anymore.

I am financially independent and so if we divorce I will be completely fine. I know Heavenly Father would like me to forgive him and I do 100%. It's just so hard to be in a marriage with someone I don't trust who won't admit his sins. I would appreciate advice about what I should do.

So you have diagnosed him as an addict? Don't you think it's weird he would confess to drinking, but deny viewing porn? Why is he not an alcoholic? He has taken to drinking with friends.

You sound suprised that he "lied" about viewing porn. How exactly did you catch him? Are there bills to web-sites? Is the history full of pornsites?

[SoCal_Counselor]

Journeying,

You talked about "recently" finding out about your husband's pornography use. It sounds as if your world has been turned upside down. The trust in your relationship has shattered. You have probably had sleepless nights since finding out. Eating is not appealing and you probably force yourself to eat something. You are tired of feeling empty, alone, betrayed, depressed, and so on. Your mind immediately goes to how to get rid of these thoughts, and one of the only thoughts that brings any amount of hope is the thought of divorcing him.

You then ponder these thoughts even more and think of how you will survive without him and maybe even begin planning where you will live, who will take care of the kids, etc. It is almost like you have been hit by a truck and don't even know how to get up.

Be patient, and your strength will come back. Instead of looking for hope through divorce, look to your Savior and the scriptures. As you are patient, and turn to the Lord, you will begin to gain a better picture of how to move forward. While pornography is horrible, it does not have to destroy a marriage. There is hope and healing. Again, turn to the Lord until this emotional storm has passed. Once it passes (and it will pass), then you can start thinking of solutions to your husband's problem.

[skippy740]

  journeying said:

Things seem to be going well. But my husband has been looking at pornography online, I caught him recently and I'm not sure how long it has been going on. He says it just pops up on the screen and he doesn't click on it. He's not too computer savy so I know he's lying. He also confessed to me that he has been occasionally drinking with friends. I feel that he has been looking at pornography for a long time but he won't admit it. At times he is nasty to me and leads me to believe it's my fault. He will swear sometimes and be rude to me, he tells me about the problems I have. This is classic behavior from an addict, making me believe it's my fault.

Most browsers today have pop-up blockers automatically installed and activated.

However, I'm more concerned with how you said you feel. If you begin LOOKING for flaws... you will find them, to feed a sense of insecurity that you're feeling right now. Just because it may be true, doesn't necessarily mean that you need to seek it out of him.

Yes, sometimes bursts of anger is a symptom of being an addict.

  journeying said:

The problem is because he has lied about these things in the past and won't admit it now I don't feel I can trust him.

See my comment above.

  journeying said:

I am not upset, I used to be but over time you become numb to it. I love him but I have lost some of it. I'm not trying so hard to hold our relationship together anymore.

Becoming "past feeling" (look up those scriptures on lds.org) is not a good place to be in your marriage. It is a sign of the beginning of the end... unless you do something. Yes, he should do something too, but we're talking to you, not him.

  journeying said:

I am financially independent and so if we divorce I will be completely fine. I know Heavenly Father would like me to forgive him and I do 100%. It's just so hard to be in a marriage with someone I don't trust who won't admit his sins. I would appreciate advice about what I should do.

The more you are 'past feeling' the more of a wedge you are contributing within your marriage. If that's what you want... keep doing what you're doing.

If not, I recommend marriage counseling.

Also, be his wife, not his mother. He may be displaying childish tendencies - like sneaking around and having nasty bouts of anger... but you need to be his wife. His mother would lecture and punish. Don't be that person... or he'll retreat further into his habit.

Don't expect to drag him to the Bishop's office either. That's why I recommend a marriage counselor. Talk everything fully out with that person... and then let the spirit of repentance take over while you mend your relationship.

If he won't go, then you should go alone.

[journeying]

Thanks I appreciate all your advice and it makes me think. I don't want to divorce him it's just really hard when I don't feel like I can trust him. I guess it's something we need to work on.

I do love him but what feels strange to me is I don't have those worried, upset feelings. I am thinking much more logical about this. I also believe that because of much prayer and fasting on my part I am being comforted by the Holy Ghost. There are times in our home where he snaps at me, tells me how hard he works, how hard his life is. Really I don't think his life is too bad. We are so blessed. After a while of him being grouchy at me and belittling me I get worn down.

What pains me the most is that is he can be miserable in the life he has now, will he ever be happy? We have worked long and hard together to get where we are and Heavenly Father has opened and poured out blessings to us. Could it scare him that I stay home with my children and make more money then him? Maybe that is an insecurity for him? It shouldn't be, everything I have worked for was to better our "family" not just myself. I don't want to have to apologize because Heavenly Father has provided me with the means to take care of our special needs daughter.

For me losing trust is the hardest part...I don't to divorce him and I do want to be in a happy family with him.

[journeying]

It may sound strange but I found out about his drinking and pornography use because a voice told me to check the car and a computer of mine he was using. When I went into the car I found alcohol. When I went on the computer and looked at his history I found the porn. While I was on the computer he was acting very suspect, yelling at me why did I need to be on my own computer? I found it and confronted him.

I am not at all perfect but I really believe I am doing many good things for him and our family. I don't raise my voice I am always there for him and my kids. I try to do things to make him happy, he has now accused me of being a "molly Mormon". Which hurts a lot, he is just as active as I. He tells me I'm not the same person he married, he's right when I married him I was inactive, partying and maybe he liked that better. But I was also in my early 20's and a college student. Once I had children I decided to give up bad behavior and repent.

[Leah]

  journeying said:

Thanks I appreciate all your advice and it makes me think. I don't want to divorce him it's just really hard when I don't feel like I can trust him. I guess it's something we need to work on.

I do love him but what feels strange to me is I don't have those worried, upset feelings. I am thinking much more logical about this. I also believe that because of much prayer and fasting on my part I am being comforted by the Holy Ghost. There are times in our home where he snaps at me, tells me how hard he works, how hard his life is. Really I don't think his life is too bad. We are so blessed. After a while of him being grouchy at me and belittling me I get worn down.

What pains me the most is that is he can be miserable in the life he has now, will he ever be happy? We have worked long and hard together to get where we are and Heavenly Father has opened and poured out blessings to us. Could it scare him that I stay home with my children and make more money then him? Maybe that is an insecurity for him? It shouldn't be, everything I have worked for was to better our "family" not just myself. I don't want to have to apologize because Heavenly Father has provided me with the means to take care of our special needs daughter.

For me losing trust is the hardest part...I don't to divorce him and I do want to be in a happy family with him.

Maybe instead of being dismissive of his feelings, you should try listening to him and try to understand his feelings. His saying his life is too hard, sounds like it is coming from a place of pain.

[skippy740]

Or whining...

[notquiteperfect]

It sounds to me that he feels guilty and is taking the easy way out by turning that onto you. Don't buy into that. I also think that 'snapping at you' is more about him not having the Spirit with him (consequence of his choices) than it is about what you may or may not be doing. There are a few techniques that might help you separate from his negativity - google the following: zip up technique, bubble technique, cutting the energetic cord. Also, get the book "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle. All the best to you and your family.

[applepansy]

  journeying said:

I try to do things to make him happy, he has now accused me of being a "molly Mormon". Which hurts a lot, he is just as active as I.

When he uses the term Molly Mormon. Say Thank You.

Think about it. What is a Molly Mormon. She's a Mormon woman who is trying her best to serve her husband, her family, her neighbors. She's a woman who is trying to follow Christ.

Molly Mormon is a compliment.

There was once I was offended by being called a Molly Mormon for feeding the child of an abusive mother who was renting our basement apartment. I was only offended for about 5 minutes. That's how long it took me to think through the hurt and anger and realize it was a compliment.

Stay close to the Lord and continue to be a Molly Mormon. Your husband will come around, or not. Its his choice.

[applepansy]

  Leah said:

Maybe instead of being dismissive of his feelings, you should try listening to him and try to understand his feelings. His saying his life is too hard, sounds like it is coming from a place of pain.

We can all think our life is too hard when we stop being grateful and expressing thanks to our Heavenly Father for our very breath.

I heard another John Bytheway talk. In it he told about going into a friend/mentor and saying "I didn't deserve _____________" His friend responded "Did Christ deserve to be crucified? Did Joseph Smith deserve to be in Liberty Jail or killed? ...." And he went on. Our scriptures are filled with stories of people who did their best to follow Christ and suffered horribly. Did they deserve what they got? What makes any of us think we're better enough that we don't deserve trials?

From what the OP has said her husband is whining. If he will stop whining and start being thankful his life will change and when it does his wife and family's life will change too.

I understand what you're saying though. It would be helpful if she could find out why he's feeling like he does. Feelings are neither right now wrong, they are just feelings. Its only when we act inappropriately on our feelings that we get in trouble. This husband is in trouble. But...it might take a counselor to help him when he's blaming his wife.

[Leah]

  applepansy said:

We can all think our life is too hard when we stop being grateful and expressing thanks to our Heavenly Father for our very breath.

I heard another John Bytheway talk. In it he told about going into a friend/mentor and saying "I didn't deserve _____________" His friend responded "Did Christ deserve to be crucified? Did Joseph Smith deserve to be in Liberty Jail or killed? ...." And he went on. Our scriptures are filled with stories of people who did their best to follow Christ and suffered horribly. Did they deserve what they got? What makes any of us think we're better enough that we don't deserve trials?

From what the OP has said her husband is whining. If he will stop whining and start being thankful his life will change and when it does his wife and family's life will change too.

I understand what you're saying though. It would be helpful if she could find out why he's feeling like he does. Feelings are neither right now wrong, they are just feelings. Its only when we act inappropriately on our feelings that we get in trouble. This husband is in trouble. But...it might take a counselor to help him when he's blaming his wife.

We only have one side of the story. We have no idea what is truly going on. We only have the OP's spin which may or may not be accurate. It wouldn't be the first time a poster came to this forum and posted things that turned out not to be true.

Do you know that her husband said "I don't desere trials"? Do you know that that is what he meant by saying his life was too hard? Why does "life is too hard" automatically equate with that?

Maybe her husband is a "whiner". Maybe she's the whiner. Maybe they both are. We don't know. Why such objection to considering other possibilities? Or the possibility that maybe he's not as bad as she portrays and she's not perfect and blameless, either.

I guess everyone in the church is supposed to be perfect? And if they aren't, they are a failure and deserve judgment?

I don't understand why suggesting the POSSIBILITY that we might be dealing with a man who is in deep emotional pain and therefore life feels too hard for him, meets with such derision and judgment here, of all places.

Sometimes people are in such deep emotional pain that life does indeed feel "too hard". Some of those people go on to commit suicide. But I guess we should ignore them because they are just "whiners". We should just chastise them for being ungrateful and not listen with an open heart or mind to find out if someone is in trouble and needs help instead of judgment and dismissal.

[skippy740]

  Leah said:

We only have one side of the story. We have no idea what is truly going on. We only have the OP's spin which may or may not be accurate. It wouldn't be the first time a poster came to this forum and posted things that turned out not to be true.

This is true. Which is why in my first post, I suggested counseling. We CAN'T know what's really going on in a one-person post.

  Leah said:

Do you know that her husband said "I don't desere trials"? Do you know that that is what he meant by saying his life was too hard? Why does "life is too hard" automatically equate with that?

Okay, no argument here.

  Leah said:

Maybe her husband is a "whiner". Maybe she's the whiner. Maybe they both are. We don't know. Why such objection to considering other possibilities? Or the possibility that maybe he's not as bad as she portrays and she's not perfect and blameless, either.

Because an addict whines and behaves like a child when they don't get their way. They have more childish tendencies because they are dependent upon certain stimulations in order to function properly. Until this is resolved in an adult manner - with a counselor - I would continue to see it as childlike whining.

Do we know of the husband is an addict? No. However, the behavior IS consistent. How do I know? I know.

  Leah said:

I guess everyone in the church is supposed to be perfect? And if they aren't, they are a failure and deserve judgment?

Using the term 'everyone' is an absolute and is automatically a false statement. :) We are not making broad conclusions about 'everyone'. Just the OP and her situation.

  Leah said:

I don't understand why suggesting the POSSIBILITY that we might be dealing with a man who is in deep emotional pain and therefore life feels too hard for him, meets with such derision and judgment here, of all places.

Why is judgment such a bad thing? JST Matt. 7:1–2 Now these are the words which Jesus taught his disciples that they should say unto the people. Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged; but judge righteous judgment.

  Leah said:

Sometimes people are in such deep emotional pain that life does indeed feel "too hard". Some of those people go on to commit suicide. But I guess we should ignore them because they are just "whiners". We should just chastise them for being ungrateful and not listen with an open heart or mind to find out if someone is in trouble and needs help instead of judgment and dismissal.

Who said we were ignoring them? We need to get a trained professional to do the listening... not a bunch of anonymous internet posters.

Sometimes listening with an open heart and mind to someone who is an addict will lead you and that person down the wrong path... because the warped addict mind is taking over. One should be 'sober' in their mind before such an exchange.

[applepansy]

  Leah said:

We only have one side of the story. We have no idea what is truly going on. We only have the OP's spin which may or may not be accurate. It wouldn't be the first time a poster came to this forum and posted things that turned out not to be true.

Do you know that her husband said "I don't desere trials"? Do you know that that is what he meant by saying his life was too hard? Why does "life is too hard" automatically equate with that?

Maybe her husband is a "whiner". Maybe she's the whiner. Maybe they both are. We don't know. Why such objection to considering other possibilities? Or the possibility that maybe he's not as bad as she portrays and she's not perfect and blameless, either.

I guess everyone in the church is supposed to be perfect? And if they aren't, they are a failure and deserve judgment?

I don't understand why suggesting the POSSIBILITY that we might be dealing with a man who is in deep emotional pain and therefore life feels too hard for him, meets with such derision and judgment here, of all places.

Sometimes people are in such deep emotional pain that life does indeed feel "too hard". Some of those people go on to commit suicide. But I guess we should ignore them because they are just "whiners". We should just chastise them for being ungrateful and not listen with an open heart or mind to find out if someone is in trouble and needs help instead of judgment and dismissal.

Change a couple of words and my post could apply to her too...or anyone.

[Swiper]

  journeying said:

I am not at all perfect but I really believe I am doing many good things for him and our family. I don't raise my voice I am always there for him and my kids. I try to do things to make him happy, he has now accused me of being a "molly Mormon". Which hurts a lot, he is just as active as I. He tells me I'm not the same person he married, he's right when I married him I was inactive, partying and maybe he liked that better. But I was also in my early 20's and a college student. Once I had children I decided to give up bad behavior and repent.

I think you and your husband should seek professional marriage counseling to help resolve your issues. I suspect that he might have issues with his relationship to the church and that he has started to resent his family's participation in church activities. The fact that he is active in the church does not necessary mean that everything is fine. I know plenty of people who remain active only because they fear negative reactions from their spouses, children, and extended family. Him feeling unable to live an authentic life could explain him lashing out against you. That could also explain the problem he is having with how you have changed since you got married. Try to ask him in a non-accusatory way how he feels about the church. Of course this is just my suspecion and I could be completely wrong.

[MorningStar]

The way he is treating you is definitely a side effect of his addiction. Seek counseling before you decide you want a divorce. Also, consider the fact that your husband would most likely have joint custody and that would leave your kids alone with an him. So many kids first exposure to pornography was encountering their dads' stuff! Really weigh the pros and cons. I had a friend who left with the kids for a couple weeks to give her husband a wake-up call that it's a big deal and that he better do something about it.

The hardest thing is that it's their choice and you can't predict what they will choose in the future. I'm glad you will be OK on your own if you make that choice. In fact, it might scare him good if you left for a while and he knew you were capable of being on your own.

Every woman I know who has gone through this says the lying is the worst part. It makes you feel very unsafe, constantly wondering what else they did or will do.

[HoplessMarriageReject]

  journeying said:

I am so blessed and sometimes I'm not sure why...

Yet we all have trials and mine involves my husband. We have been married for 13 years and we have 3 children preteen down to 1.

We are sealed in the temple and my husband is a very active convert of 14 years. The most important thing to me is to do everything I can to make sure my children follow the straight and narrow. We have a special needs daughter who will grow up to be just fine if we get her the right help now. We are in the process of moving to a different state to get her one of the best schools for her condition. After much prayer we have been strongly told by Heavenly Father that we should move within the next few months.

Things seem to be going well. But my husband has been looking at pornography online, I caught him recently and I'm not sure how long it has been going on. He says it just pops up on the screen and he doesn't click on it. He's not too computer savy so I know he's lying. He also confessed to me that he has been occasionally drinking with friends. I feel that he has been looking at pornography for a long time but he won't admit it. At times he is nasty to me and leads me to believe it's my fault. He will swear sometimes and be rude to me, he tells me about the problems I have. This is classic behavior from an addict, making me believe it's my fault.

The problem is because he has lied about these things in the past and won't admit it now I don't feel I can trust him. I am not upset, I used to be but over time you become numb to it. I love him but I have lost some of it. I'm not trying so hard to hold our relationship together anymore.

I am financially independent and so if we divorce I will be completely fine. I know Heavenly Father would like me to forgive him and I do 100%. It's just so hard to be in a marriage with someone I don't trust who won't admit his sins. I would appreciate advice about what I should do.

Don't divorce your husband over porn.

[young_mom]

When it comes down to it, it's really up to him.

Is he willing to change? STICK IT OUT.

Is he not willing to change? Is he endangering anyone in the family with his behavior? TAKE THE KIDS AND LEAVE.