Alone, Scared, and Unsure

[stveater]

I have a lot on my mind as of late. I think I recently hit "rock bottom" and recently realized that I didn't want to continue down the path I was going. I've struggled my entire life with the Law of Chastity. Yes even as a child I was drawn to it or perhaps a better term would be curious and exposed to it. As you've read before it got worse and worse over time and I felt their was two people within me: one I didn't like because I would feel guilty and awful if I did and the other that brought me comfort but only temporary although it did hide my pain I felt. So fast forward to now where I reached a point where I'm divorced, have 2x children, I don't have family close by, both my parents have passed, and I am alone.

Going back to my problem with the Law of Chastity. Both me and my ex struggled with it during our marriage. I actually thought the reason for my divorce was all my doing because at the time I was served papers only my big secret was out. I was devastated. My family was being destroyed before my eyes. I was hoping my ex would want to work through my issues but she didn't want to. Even after I found out about her struggles, she didn't want to. This tore me. That was two years ago.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I felt as alone in my life as ever recently and I'd even use my addiction to soothe the pain. I prayed for the first time in a long time and basically said "If you really, truly care about me then I will need your help. I cannot do this on my own." I felt something that night. That was two weeks ago. I've felt more and more as I've continued to do the things, I've been asked to do (I realize this isn't a one way process and that God alone will fix it). I've gone to see the bishop. He's going to counsel with the stake president. Then we will see what is needed to repent and heal. I'm scared on many different levels.

Lastly, I'm unsure whether to start a relationship or not. As I mentioned, I'm alone and I do like company. Call it validation or someone caring for you or whatever. It feels nice and especially if the other person realizes what you've been through and more importantly where you are heading. The problem I'm having though is lets say everything works out and I am worthy again of the blessings of the temple (I'm looking forward to that and have a long road ahead me). Do I discuss those issues in the past with others I court? I'm pretty certain that would break trust of the partner because they'd think that's who I am and I don't want to have a relationship where the other partner is always wondering. I'll be open and honest about anything that came up during our relationship. No matter what point in the relationship. I started doing it later on in my marriage so it's something I could do. On the other hand, I'd feel I'm deceiving them. So it's either tell them "don't trust me" or I feel like a deceiver. I'm unsure.

I've made mistakes. I was someone and something I never wanted to be in my wildest dreams. I'm going to change. I found something I've never relied on before and I cannot believe it took me this long to find it. I know I can be made clean again. There is only one way. Thanks for reading. I'm not sure whether or not this is in the right area or not. Apologies if so.

~ASU

[Suzie]

Stveater, I am very sorry to hear about your struggles. Hope the Lord blesses you with strength so you can deal with all the issues that seems to be haunting you. I do not have much to say really other than hope things work out for you.

About starting a new relationship, I would kindly suggest not to do it at this time. I think this is the ideal time for you to think about yourself and get better. I believe starting a new relationship when you still working out issues could cause some serious problems but I understand what you are coming from. This is of course just my opinion, wishing you all the best. :)

[ACommonMan]

I am in much of the same boat. My wife learned of my last, big secret and threw me out of the house more than a year ago. We are getting close to finalizing the divorce, but it's not done yet. I've been working through some of the same issues that I suspect you are questioning.

Taking on a new relationship: I must make sure that, above all else, I am not confusing my desire for an emotional connection with an intimate outlet. I cannot let myself get fooled into thinking that my addiction will be cured by merely having a partner.

When to take on a new relationship: For me, this is age related. I have a different priority at 45 than I believe it would at 30. It absolutley, positivly will NOT occur until after my divorce is final. The primary driver is that I have truly healed from my divorce pains, as well as having enough sobriety to be confident that I can maintain it through the difficulties of marriage.

When to tell my new partner about it: I think that any girlfriend has a right to know about it before she becomes so committed that learning about it causes her undue pain. My current rule of thumb is for a third date. It doesn't need to be broadcast to everyone I'm interested in, but she should be allowed to make an informed decision. LoC addictions thrive in secrecy. Complete honesty is the most important tool in staying clean. In addition to my own need to be honest, my (soon to be) ex-wife is filled with such vitriol that she will make sure any new girlfriend is aware of how evil she believes I am.

[HoplessMarriageReject]

When you two are referring to your LoC problems, are you referring to pornography or adultery? Adultery I can understand but pornography? I'd say that that is more of your wives kicking you to the curb.

My advice would be to just keep it between you and the Lord and not tell them. If its between you and the Lord than it's just between you and the Lord, they don't need to know.

[pam]

When you two are referring to your LoC problems, are you referring to pornography or adultery? Adultery I can understand but pornography? I'd say that that is more of your wives kicking you to the curb.

My advice would be to just keep it between you and the Lord and not tell them. If its between you and the Lord than it's just between you and the Lord, they don't need to know.

So you advocate dishonesty in a marriage or relationship?

[ACommonMan]

Granted, President Brigham Young cautioned members not to disclose sins unnecessarily:

“When we ask the brethren, as we frequently do, to speak in sacrament meetings, we wish them, if they have injured their neighbors, to confess their wrongs; but do not tell about your nonsensical conduct that nobody knows of but yourselves. Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take that person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God, and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it” (Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [1954], 158).

However, a violation as serious as the Law of Chastity is not something which you can simply keep to yourself.

I am choosing to be vague in order to comply with this site's rules against sexual topics. That said, viewing imagery or reading stories that arouse inappropriate thoughts should not be dismissed as issues of lust. They are symptoms of other emotional issues. It is a particular problem inside the church because it is a drug of choice where alcohol is not an option. Unlike alcohol, which you would have to go out to a store to purchase and look someone in the eye as part of the transaction, reading a story online can be done 100% privately. That privacy/secrecy is a cyclical process that thrives on itself. Until you release the shame, which prevents you from disclosing it to proper individuals, it will be an impossible habit to break.

A relationship as intimate as a spouse absolutely deserves the honesty of a problem which, while it may currently be "in the past", is an addictive situation that is never cured. It is only held in remission.

[notquiteperfect]

When you two are referring to your LoC problems, are you referring to pornography or adultery? Adultery I can understand but pornography? I'd say that that is more of your wives kicking you to the curb.

My advice would be to just keep it between you and the Lord and not tell them. If its between you and the Lord than it's just between you and the Lord, they don't need to know.

If my husband is doing something that makes it so I don't have the priesthood in my home, I would expect to be informed!

[Still_Small_Voice]

I would hope you are continually reaching out on this issue. Visit LDSAR.org - LDS Addiction Recovery through writing, blogging, and sharing for help. You will always be an addict, but it will get easier to resist the temptation as time goes on.

[HoplessMarriageReject]

So you advocate dishonesty in a marriage or relationship?

No, but if it occurred before the relationship and he has repented of it, then it is between him and God. He can then forsake that sin, leave it in the past and move on, without any need to tell her.

[ACommonMan]

No, but if it occurred before the relationship and he has repented of it, then it is between him and God. He can then forsake that sin, leave it in the past and move on, without any need to tell her.

Except that an addiction is never "in the past".

[pam]

Once you have an addiction you will always have that addiction. What you learn to do is to control it. So it's never in the past.