Adult children are not respectful

[Sr. Duck]

My son is being very mean to me and all my husband says is it's not my problem. We are not in a good place. I feel he should insist that he is more respectful. I know it's complicated. I feel he should demand that his behavior she no longer be tolerated.

[ditd]

Have you thoroughly discussed this with your husband.

 

Take time to talk to your husband and explain properly and make sure it is not a passing comment/rhetoric during another activity. Explain your feelings and your exasperation.

 

I would suggest afterwards you both sit down with your son and discuss it in a loving manner and if necessary put some "house rules" in plave

[Quin]

To clarify a bit...

1) Which are you most upset by: your son's disrespect, or the lack of support from your husband? I know it's a two part thing, b as parents there are simply times when our kids are going through a stage that -with support- we can kind of take a deep sigh and laugh through, but without support are banging our heads against drywall. Conversely, support can be such a distant second place that it's not even on the map of concerns / simply background info.

2) When you say hat "my husband says it's not my problem"... Pis he says it's not your problem, or not his problem?

Q

[Guest]

I'm guessing this is a step son and you are newly married to his father?

 

If that's the case, then,

 

1.)  Disciplining the son is not your problem.  He is an adult and his parents are responsible for how he turned out.  Obviously, the parents were not effective parents, otherwise, this son will not be disrespectful now.  Asking his father to discipline his adult son is not going to work out well.

 

Or, if this is just a recent attitude that came into existence because of the change in dynamics when you got added into the mix then it is still not your problem... it may be his father's but as he's an adult son, there's not much he can do about that besides letting his son "get over it".

 

2.)  You deserve respect.  This is your problem.  You can't have your husband fight your battles for you.  Therefore, if your step son disrespects you and you don't like it, then you can either play the Duck and let the water run down your back and win him over with super sweetness or you can play the Goose and put him in his place with a well-placed, anger-free reprimand.

 

The thing to take away from this is - you can't control what other people do (and this includes what your husband does).  You can only control how you react to it.

 

Hope it gets better soon.

[Wingnut]

I'm guessing this is a step son and you are newly married to his father?

 

Why on earth would you assume that?  The OP said "my son."

[Guest]

Why on earth would you assume that?  The OP said "my son."

 

My son = my stepson in the same manner that she=should.

 

Because, I don't understand why the mom would depend on the dad to tell their son that his disrespectful behavior towards the mom should not be tolerated.  If this was my son disrespecting me, he'd be slapped right across the mouth BY ME, adult son or not.  Dad can wait his turn... I can't do that with a step-son...

 

This also fits with the dad saying it is not her problem.

[Wingnut]

My son = my stepson in the same manner that she=should.

 

Because, I don't understand why the mom would depend on the dad to tell their son that his disrespectful behavior towards the mom should not be tolerated.  If this was my son disrespecting me, he'd be slapped right across the mouth BY ME, adult son or not.  Dad can wait his turn... I can't do that with a step-son...

 

This also fits with the dad saying it is not her problem.

 

She = should is a typo.  Referring to a stepson as a son (particularly in what sounds like a rocky relationship) would not be accidental.

 

The husband may have said "it's not your problem" or he may have said "it's not my problem."  That part is unclear.

 

Anatess, you're great about speaking your mind and saying things how they are.  You also have a history of rage and anger management issues.  Not everyone is as assertive, agressive, or confrontational as you are.  A timid and non-confrontational personality easily explains (without even having to think about it much) a mom who depends on the dad to deal with something like this.

 

We also have no information about the history of this relationship, or if the mom has already spoken to the son about it.  In my family, my six-year-old daughter often ignores and disregards things I tell her, because she simply is so accustomed to hearing them from me that they're rote and she figures they don't matter.  There are times when I have to ask my husband to step in and speak with her about disciplinary issues (and other things) because I know she'll pay attention to it coming from him, as it's atypical of their relationship.

[Guest]

She = should is a typo.  Referring to a stepson as a son (particularly in what sounds like a rocky relationship) would not be accidental.

 

The husband may have said "it's not your problem" or he may have said "it's not my problem."  That part is unclear.

 

Anatess, you're great about speaking your mind and saying things how they are.  You also have a history of rage and anger management issues.  Not everyone is as assertive, agressive, or confrontational as you are.  A timid and non-confrontational personality easily explains (without even having to think about it much) a mom who depends on the dad to deal with something like this.

 

We also have no information about the history of this relationship, or if the mom has already spoken to the son about it.  In my family, my six-year-old daughter often ignores and disregards things I tell her, because she simply is so accustomed to hearing them from me that they're rote and she figures they don't matter.  There are times when I have to ask my husband to step in and speak with her about disciplinary issues (and other things) because I know she'll pay attention to it coming from him, as it's atypical of their relationship.

 

 

You're right, of course.  We simply don't have that much info to go on...  If this was a son and not a step son, the problem is way beyond their control now.  It's too late for discipline (aggressive personality or not).  So, to deal with it, you kinda have to face the mirror and ask yourself... what do I do when somebody - anybody - disrespects me?   It would be the same answer unless the son is still dependent on you or you are dependent on your son...

[pam]

My son = my stepson in the same manner that she=should.

 

Because, I don't understand why the mom would depend on the dad to tell their son that his disrespectful behavior towards the mom should not be tolerated.  If this was my son disrespecting me, he'd be slapped right across the mouth BY ME, adult son or not.  Dad can wait his turn... I can't do that with a step-son...

 

This also fits with the dad saying it is not her problem.

 

I can understand why she might want the father to tell the son.  It takes it away from the "quit picking on me" kind of thing. Sometimes when it comes from someone else it holds more water.

 

I rather think of it in the same light as a workplace.  If I'm the one that notices things on a continual basis that there are policies or things that just aren't right and I'm the only one bringing it up it makes me look like a complainer or a whiner.  Whereas if others bring up some of the things as well, it might be given more attention.

[Palerider]

What age are we talking about ??

[The Folk Prophet]

Here's the thing...and what I assume your husband means...you cannot change someone else's behavior. You can only change your own. All you can do is look at yourself, your reactions, your interpretations, etc., and make them as Christlike as possible. That is my advise to you. React to the meanness in as Christlike a way as possible. Could this mean standing up to the son or suggesting that your husband do? Maybe. That is a question between you, your husband, and the guidance you receive from the Holy Ghost on the matter as you study, pray, and ponder over the matter.