I'm asking again...

[Bini]

I asked this question right after I gave birth to my daughter, and here I am, asking again. How do you know when your family is complete? Quick rundown of me and my husband's situation... We have about a 18-year age gap between us, and so, we don't have the luxury of deciding whether or not we want to have more children later down the road. Initially, I wanted another child and my husband was iffy about it, but now he's eager to have a second and I'm being iffy about it. I guess I feel content with the one child, and I'm so wrapped up with her, I seldom find myself thinking about a second. Last night my husband sat me down and asked me straight up, whether I wanted to have another child, but I couldn't give him a convincing answer one way or the other. I just sort of said, "another might be nice." My biggest concern is that if we stop at one, that I may have regrets a few years down the road. Our daughter will be three before we know it, and our little family is at a great stage where we could have another, especially with my daughter now getting out of diapers and doesn't need me constantly to be entertained. We've prayed about this but God has made it clear that he's not going to make this decision for me (or my husband)!

 

 

Do any of you have one child? What was your thought process in stopping there? Or, maybe you know a family with just one child... Do they seem happy as three peas in a pod?

[jerome1232]

Does being an only child* count?

I grew up an only child, always wished I had a sibling. I decided every child should get to experience having siblings so our family will have at least 3 kids.

One added benefit is to some extent they start entertaining each other, or beating each other up but it's the same thing right?


*I do have a half-sister, didn't know about her until I was an adult.

[classylady]

Bini, I don't have just the one child.  But, when I was praying about having one last child, I got a distinct answer "It's your choice".  I knew Heavenly Father would have been okay with a decision to stop if I felt I couldn't handle another child.  I also know he would have been okay with my decision to have another child.  My choice was to have one last child.  After I had him, there was no question that we were done.  I just knew we were.  I didn't need to pray about having another child.  I knew we were done.  This may not help in your situation.  Continue to pray.  I usually don't get clear cut messages when I pray, but I did on this one.  It was a distinct answer of "It's your choice".

 

Most families I know who have just the one child, the child wants another sibling.  That doesn't mean they make the decision for you, but most single children I know always wanted another sibling.

 

My youngest brother, after the birth of his first child, said "I don't think I can ever love another child like this one.  I love him so much".  Well, two children later, he has fallen completely in love with all three of his children, plus one step-child.

[MarginOfError]

I had a big long post written out for this.  But it's probably easier just to read it on my blog.

 

I'd Like Another Offspring. I Don't Want Another Child.

 

What did it feel like when I'd decided.  I don't really remember.  What I do remember was that I didn't doubt that it was the right decision.

 

From what you describe, Bini, (and I may be wrong in my interpretation, so take this for what it is) you seem to be showing the same kind of feelings Mrs MOE and I had before having #2.  We liked the idea of a second child, but we had a really good thing going for us, and we didn't want to disrupt it.  As we commonly described it, "Mini-MOE #1 has been so easy that we know we'll get come-uppance with #2."  

 

Apprehension over the unknown effect having a second will have on your family is a terrible reason not to have a second.  If your only hesitation over having a second is that it will be different than what you have now, then I say--internet acquaintance to internet acquaintance--go for it. 

 

However, you blew it.  You should have asked this a few months ago when there was hope that you could still deliver before the end of the year.  If you start now, you'll have to wait until 2016 to get your tax credit for this kid. :)

[Bini]

MOE, I have read your blog before and find it insightful. I actually took some pointers away from the blog post you intended to share with me. Thank you for that. I would say, you're right on target on many levels in how I feel in general on the subject, I think I'd admitted before that I never wanted children but of course love the daughter I have been blessed with. The decision still remains... undefined... I'm not seeing a clear cut answer as of yet. I will say that there was a point today while I was driving my car that I thought to myself, I'm really happy with having one child, and I know my husband is too...

[Wingnut]

There's no one way or right answer to the question, "how did you know...?"  It's different for everyone.  My husband knew we were done about six months or so before I knew.  We've stopped with two, which is still fairly small in LDS circles.

 

 

We've prayed about this but God has made it clear that he's not going to make this decision for me (or my husband)!

 

Sometimes the Lord gives you specific promptings or direction, and other times He waits for you to make a decision, and then lets you know either of His approval or disapproval.  And still other times, as someone else mentioned, He's okay with either decision.

But I've learned that sometimes you have to make your choice, and say, "Okay, Heavenly Father, this is what I'm doing...if it's not right, it's up to you to stop it.  But I feel good about the choice in the meantime."  And then don't be a guy who lived by a river (story ends at 3:08).

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I knew I was done when my doctors told me, "no more."  

 

I have known couples that desperately wanted more, but couldn't get pregnant.

 

My point is sometimes, we worry about things that we assume are within our control, but they really aren't.  

 

It's just a thought. 

[Wingnut]

I knew I was done when my doctors told me, "no more."  

 

I have known couples that desperately wanted more, but couldn't get pregnant.

 

My point is sometimes, we worry about things that we assume are within our control, but they really aren't.  

 

It's just a thought. 

 

I have a friend who can get pregnant, and desperately wants more, but has been told that she'll die if she tries to have more.  On top of that, birth control doesn't agree with her body, so she gets really bad anxiety every month, hoping and praying that she's not pregnant, even though she really wants more kids. 

[pam]

I have a friend who can get pregnant, and desperately wants more, but has been told that she'll die if she tries to have more.  On top of that, birth control doesn't agree with her body, so she gets really bad anxiety every month, hoping and praying that she's not pregnant, even though she really wants more kids. 

 

Could she get her tubes tied?

[Wingnut]

Could she get her tubes tied?

 

I'm not sure.  She's only 27, I think, so she's really young still.  I've heard her say that she doesn't understand why they didn't just give her a hysterectomy when they had her open for the emergency C-section for her son.  She was only 24 at the time, so that wasn't an option then because it would have thrown her hormones into a craze and brought on a very early menopause.  I don't know about getting her tubes tied, though.  She's rules out IUDs (I don't remember what her specific objection was), but it looking into other non-invasive options, primarily Essure.

[Guest]

I'm not sure.  She's only 27, I think, so she's really young still.  I've heard her say that she doesn't understand why they didn't just give her a hysterectomy when they had her open for the emergency C-section for her son.  She was only 24 at the time, so that wasn't an option then because it would have thrown her hormones into a craze and brought on a very early menopause.  I don't know about getting her tubes tied, though.  She's rules out IUDs (I don't remember what her specific objection was), but it looking into other non-invasive options, primarily Essure.

Have her talk to a Catholic Family Counsellor. Those guys has gotten non-invasive, non-artificial birth control down to a science.

[Guest]

I almost died my first time giving birth. So, my husband and I were resigned to just having one child. Then my kid turned one and he was such a social kid. My husband asked me if it's crazy to consider another to be my son's playmate, partner, comrade, supporter, brother We prayed about it... No answer. But, as I've always wanted a big family, I told my husband we'll give it a shot and if I die, well I die...

I almost died again. But it was all so worth it. My 2 children are so different that if they didn't look alike it's like they're from different parents. They are the perfect "practice ground" for learning to love and serve your fellowman unconditionally... even when he just pushed you out of the swing....

[Bini]

I hear you guys about "not taking things for granted". It's a good reminder.

 

 

My pregnancy went well, my delivery not so well, and my post-partum was seriously a nightmare from hell. But the latter two aren't reason enough for me to rule out another child. I think my biggest reason right now is just that I feel content and happy with one child, but, there's some sadness I feel about choosing to have an only-child. I realise these are mostly natural feelings.

[Maureen]

Personally for me, I think it's great to have siblings. I have two kids. I have a niece that is an only child and she has two kids of her own. Bini, I think you would get a kick out of the relationship your daughter and any future children would have with each other; especially watching them interact together; it can be fun.

 

M.

[beefche]

I'm with others that 1) it's a decision for you, your husband, and the Lord to make; 2) siblings (especially those close in age) can be great friends and have someone to lean on throughout the years; 3) (my personal opinion) having a sibling helps a child learn to not be so selfish.  Everyone has selfish tendencies, but children can especially find it difficult not to look at everything as happening to/for them.  Having a sibling almost "forces" them look to another.  I recognize that some kids are selfish while some are not--only child or not.  But, I personally believe that having a sibling(s) helps them to be more selfless.

 

I, personally, would not want just one child.  I know that parents won't be around forever and it's nice for them to have that family bond with someone else.

[Bini]

By daughter is in that toddler stage (and is an only-child of course) so she definitely has "me me me" streaks...

[Maureen]

By daughter is in that toddler stage (and is an only-child of course) so she definitely has "me me me" streaks...

And that's perfectly normal, not so much because she's an only child but because she's a toddler. :)

 

M.

[Guest]

By daughter is in that toddler stage (and is an only-child of course) so she definitely has "me me me" streaks...

 

My kids have this and there's two of them.  And they're 10 and 12.

 

The sibling doesn't really eliminate these streaks.  The sibling just provides someone to practice service on that is available 24/7.

[Bini]

Today, out of frustration, I swore that I never wanted another child. I know that parenthood isn't easy and many times you feel like hanging-by-a-thread, but I also know that a single moment of joy and laughter overrides all that, and you know it's all worth it in the end.

 

When I cooled down, I still felt strongly about not having a second child. And as I think on it, I feel like I'm having a confirmation that it's the right decision, although I'm not feeling like it has come from God but rather my own gut instinct that one is enough. But, maybe that's God telling me something, too?

 

I feel bad having come to this conclusion, even, a bit defeated.

[Maureen]

Bini, maybe you're just not ready for a second one yet. Is your daughter almost 2 yo? I think a good age difference between siblings in about 3 to 3.5 years. You never know, you might feel different in a year.

 

M.

[classylady]

I loved the three year spaces I had between my babies.  I didn't have two in diapers at the same time, and the next oldest was a helper.  She/he could go find a diaper and wipes for me, etc.

[Wingnut]

Today, out of frustration, I swore that I never wanted another child. I know that parenthood isn't easy and many times you feel like hanging-by-a-thread, but I also know that a single moment of joy and laughter overrides all that, and you know it's all worth it in the end.

 

When I cooled down, I still felt strongly about not having a second child. And as I think on it, I feel like I'm having a confirmation that it's the right decision, although I'm not feeling like it has come from God but rather my own gut instinct that one is enough. But, maybe that's God telling me something, too?

 

I feel bad having come to this conclusion, even, a bit defeated.

 

I had an Institute teacher/director once say that "character is following through on a decision once the emotion of the moment has passed."  It may not be a unviersal definition, but I liked it, and it's stuck with me for years.

 

As for the difference between your gut instinct and God, here are a couple of thoughts I have: God talks to us in ways that we will understand.  Usually, that means in the form of our own thought process.  Instinct is also an innate, God-given gift.