How do I remove my name as a member?

[Bini]

For those of you that have gone through this with family, how did you keep relationships intact, despite seeing things differently?

 

I wish to keep my relationship with my parents intact but am uncertain in how to approach them in breaking the news of my decision. I don't feel that I need to explain myself, however, I feel it a courtesy that I let my parents know what is going on. I just don't like the idea of them finding out themselves from another source. I think that would hurt them more than being upfront about it.

 

So my question is: what is a tactful way to inform my parents?

 

I've considered writing a letter but I keep concluding that a face-to-face talk is probably the best route, though undoubtedly could be the riskiest, as I'm sure one party or both parties will become emotional. (They'll be disappointed. And I'll feel bad for disappointing them.) High emotions often times results in bad communication. I know I can't control how they'll feel or react, but I do know that it's within my control in how I start things off and how I respond to them. A friend of mine, who is gay, joked that this is my "coming out". Even though it was said playfully, I do feel an immense burden of guilt, in that I'll be disappointing two people I love very much. Is it possible that saying nothing is best?

[yoyoteacher]

I am going to preface this by saying that everything I say comes from the point of view of a convert who has fairly non-religious (even borderline anti-religious) family members. Joining the church was a very difficult thing for me to do with that perspective. I would imagine that it would be similar to someone being born in the covenant deciding to leave the church, in that it flies in the face of what your parents believe. I had a very difficult conversation regarding temple marriage with my mother in my teenage years which still causes anxiety in me whenever I think about the future and what will happen if I meet a faithful LDS priesthood holder because I worry that a temple marriage will result in my parents essentially disowning me. It's a very difficult road to go down, seeking truth and (potentially) falling away from the beliefs of your parents.

 

This probably isn't an any better solution, but it sounds like you have not been entirely active in the church for some time, if there isn't contact from RS sisters, etc. If this is the case, why not take your time to search and learn about other religions before requesting to have your name removed? I wouldn't say that I went inactive because I was soul searching for the last seven years, but if I had requested my name be removed and then had to come back and have a thorough interview with a bishop in order to be re-baptised, I'm not sure that I would have gone through the effort. I certainly didn't go inactive because I wanted to live in such a way that the Lord would not approve, but once I gave up my end of the covenants I had made at baptism, it sure made it easy to do those things every now and again. I'm not saying I turned into a sinful heathen 24/7, but I had no moral compass or direction either.

 

If you are feeling a need to truly investigate the church rather than multiple churches now that you're at an older age, why not attend Gospel Principles classes during Sunday school to gain a better understanding of the church and our beliefs? I've been doing a self-study of the course using the gospel library app on my phone and it's been a welcome reminder of things I was taught 11 years ago and had ignored for so long. Believe it or not, sixteen is also a very young age for baptism. And I would wager to say that in ten years I will say 27 is a very young age for a life changing event. You will always grow in knowledge and wisdom as you become older.

[Guest]

I think face to face is best, and just be as earnest as you can when you give your reasons. My brother and his wife emailed people, including me, and it didn't feel good. 

 

I hope I'm not stepping out of bounds, and you certainly don't have to answer, but I know you've had some conflicted feelings lately regarding your adoption and questions about your origin. Could this possibly be a continued effort to figure out who you are, outside of your family? I can understand that. And that's your business. It might be worth thinking about that, though. Also consider that everyone in the church should be going through a continual process of conversion. Learning and growing doesn't require erasing the slate and starting over. But no one but you and Heavenly Father fully know your heart and reasons. 

[Vort]

Bini, here's my opinion, for what it's worth to you:

 

Your baptism was a covenant, and it provided you with certain blessings and protections. I believe those blessings and protections to be very real and very important. Unless you are planning to actively violate those covenants -- like you want to go sleep around with other men or kill some people or get involved in organized crime -- I think you'd be much better off NOT leaving the Church, but instead just considering yourself an "investigator". If you're interested in really checking out the Church's claims, invite the missionaries over and ask them to teach you as someone who is a non-member and is investigating the Church for the first time. Then go from there.

 

The only way I would advise you to leave the Church is if you are actually planning to do things in violation of your covenants, such as I mentioned above. In such a case, you would be making a mockery of your covenants, and it's probably better not to have such a covenant at all than to mock it. But as I seriously doubt you are planning to do any such kind of thing, my opinion is that you're better off all the way around simply investigating the Church's claims as if you were an outsider, rather than actually withdrawing yourself from that covenant.

 

There you go. My opinion, free of charge.

[PolarVortex]

So my question is: what is a tactful way to inform my parents?

 

Your use of the word "tactful" leads me to think that you care about your parents and their feelings.  (Some children do not, sadly.)

 

IMHO, the most tactful way to inform them is to tell them before they hear it from someone else, frame it in terms of a difficult decision you have long wrestled with, and inform them a few days before you actually pull the trigger.  But I'm with Vort on this.  I investigated the Church for years, was baptized and then became inactive after being stalked by a missionary.  I lay fallow for over a decade and then suddenly began seeing the Church in new ways that are probably obvious to native-born Mormons but not so obvious to adult converts.  During my fallow years I tinkered around the edges with having my name removed from Church records.  I never actually went through with it, and today I'm really glad I didn't.  Who cares if I was a career investigator?  If I make it into the celestial kingdom, I'll probably be investigating there, too.  It's just my nature.  In the meantime, I'm not going to let the absence of certainty paralyze my spiritual growth.

 

Of course your case is different.  Everyone's is.  But if you feel you need to exit, I think you are wise to consider your parents' feelings and I hope you can get through this change without hurting anyone too much.