How to serve my husband, or, my house is a mess

[thoughts]

The people who tell you to stay home and quote scripture are butting in where not asked.   Quitting a job is not going to fix the house cleanliness.

I think you hire housecleaners to help you restore the home for the one time deep clean.  It will probably cost $250, if it is as bad as you describe.   (And you might also have the ducts cleaned which will help it stay clean, which will cost more).   When things are so overwhelming you just shouldn't be ashamed of needing help.   I would do this even if I had to sell plasma for a month to afford it.

And then I think if you have your dh take the kids who are not old enough to help somewhere one day a month for you to work, that is not the end of the world.   I'm thinking your dh is controlling you by using your "family" time or "date" time the way he chooses.  

Every partner should get 3-4 hours per week (and a certain amount of money) to indulge their own interests, away from family (or their family away from them).    Most people really need this in order to be available to the family and their partner the rest of the time.

[Kara]

Back for a check-in.

It's been quite the ride these past few weeks.

Nutshell version: We found out my husband is dealing with some depression (specific diagnosis to come) and is the root cause of some of his behavior (the clinginess, the refusal to do things).

So a new challenge in and of itself but I like knowing what's going on. I'm relieved.

We were able to do a big housecleaning weekend with some family members and I feel so much better. We're setting up a chore chart.

[Jane_Doe]

22 minutes ago, Kara said:

Back for a check-in.

It's been quite the ride these past few weeks.

Nutshell version: We found out my husband is dealing with some depression (specific diagnosis to come) and is the root cause of some of his behavior (the clinginess, the refusal to do things).

So a new challenge in and of itself but I like knowing what's going on. I'm relieved.

We were able to do a big housecleaning weekend with some family members and I feel so much better. We're setting up a chore chart.

Great to hear things are getting better!  Thank you for the check in!

[Sunday21]

So glad to hear that you are getting things sorted! Wishing you all the best!

[Backroads]

7 hours ago, Kara said:

Back for a check-in.

It's been quite the ride these past few weeks.

Nutshell version: We found out my husband is dealing with some depression (specific diagnosis to come) and is the root cause of some of his behavior (the clinginess, the refusal to do things).

So a new challenge in and of itself but I like knowing what's going on. I'm relieved.

We were able to do a big housecleaning weekend with some family members and I feel so much better. We're setting up a chore chart.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's nice to know there's a medical reason for the changes instead of your husband just being a clingy louse. I'm glad you got the Big Mess taken care of and I hope that reduces your stress.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

8 hours ago, Kara said:

Back for a check-in.

It's been quite the ride these past few weeks.

Nutshell version: We found out my husband is dealing with some depression (specific diagnosis to come) and is the root cause of some of his behavior (the clinginess, the refusal to do things).

So a new challenge in and of itself but I like knowing what's going on. I'm relieved.

We were able to do a big housecleaning weekend with some family members and I feel so much better. We're setting up a chore chart.

Sounds great.  Something you may want to look into for treating depression is http://www.truehope.com/ I have a child with some mental health issue and this has been very helpful for them.

[Unlikely_Phoenix]

Getting into the topic late in the game but it sounds like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I would add something to the current state of the pile. This item comes from personal experience - It is NOT good enough to just mask the depression. Meds are a good start but it does require more to help him through the fog of depression. I would HIGHLY suggest he gets therapeutic help in the way of cognitive behavioral therapy. Depression is not just a diagnosis, it is a symptom as well and the thoughts that change while under it's influence tend to stay broken even after medication is used. CBT made my world a whole different place and helped me to put it back into a healthy track. I don't need the meds now because of that. I know that I made my wife miserable with my undiagnosed depression... well, because it was a pivotal piece in our divorce. Keep the communication channels open and be sympathetic but not enabling. That is a tough balance.