Structured separation

[MIK]

Not a long story here but a serious one. My wife and I have been married 8 years and are very close to entering the doors of the Temple. Due to poor choices I made, this has been put off until now. And as always Satan creeps in and try's to push up apart. We both have our own issues. She is try to control pain medication and the addiction to them. She does not take above her prescribed dosage, however her moods go all over the place. I am not innocent in this, I could be a much better man and father to our kids. I am the guy that seems to focus on the further and our well-being. And many times that has caused us to not have very much fun. The harmony in the home is lax and not getting better.

i am scheduled to have my blessing restored in a few weeks. And then this bombs hits.... My wife wants a structured seperation. I had to dig to find what one was! Bascally it where you live apart and pretend your are divorced to see if you want to follow through with the real divorce. My heart - burn is that I cannot any guidance from the Church on this. All prophets teach that (except in cases of abuse) the married couple should humbly come together, knew and seek the healing power of the atonement. This is taught over and over. I feel that a structured seperation or a "time apart" or a "marriage break" are just precursors to divorce.

if you have any insight, please share!

Thanks,

MIK

 

[LeSellers]

9 hours ago, MIK said:

All prophets teach that (except in cases of abuse) the married couple should humbly come together, knew and seek the healing power of the atonement. This is taught over and over.

This is all I know about the matter, as well.

Since, as we assume, your repentance is deep and real, the "problem" seems to lie with her. And that is, unfortunately or no, not something you can control.

Sorry there is nothing positive I can say except lay your issues before the Lord. He cares, He wants you to be happy and have joy. He also knows how this will turn out, so give Him the opportunity to strengthen you (and her). And know, as I know, that, in the end, it always works out for the best.

Lehi

[Latter-Day Marriage]

I can see a temporary separation as a useful tool in some cases to give space and ease tensions as a couple continues to work out issues.  The intention is to heal the marriage and as far as I know the church doesn't have an issue with that as long as they both keep their vows and don't start romantic relationships with others.  That isn't what she is suggesting though, or perhaps she has communicated poorly and you need to talk with her and find out if she really meant it as a step towards divorce.  Tell her you want to work toward a better marriage and won't cooperate with anything that works toward a divorce.  You can't control what she does, but make it clear that your objective and efforts are to make the marriage better, not to end it.

Is she willing to discuss this with the Bishop?

[NeuroTypical]

Structured?  What does that mean?  If there's a therapist involved, they might provide the "structure" in the form of helping both of you work on why this is happening, and the goal.

But no matter what "structured separation" means, one thing is true:  You can only work on your stuff.  Focus on your stuff, not hers.  Focus on you changing, fixing what needs fixing, etc.  Basically, if your wife makes this a precursor to a divorce, you can't do a single thing about it, other than try to be the husband she needs and deserves and hope she'll change her mind.

Accept that.

[Just_A_Guy]

1 hour ago, NeuroTypical said:

Structured?  What does that mean?

Not sure if this is what the OP is talking about; but some states (my own included) actually allow for a court to determine a "separate maintenance" action that's functionally like a divorce--divvies up property, allocates child custody and support, etc.--except that at the end of it, the parties are still technically married. 

[omegaseamaster75]

Please do not construe my words as insensitive. This is a nightmare one I would not want to go through.  You may have already done this but aside from informing your bishop about the matter have you seen a MFT? She didn't get this idea of a trial separation on her own did she? By your own admission mistakes have been made in the past.  From my side of the keyboard she has not let that go, unless there are current issues also.

My 2 cents open up you wallet and see a MFT asap.

[Guest]

I'll ditto what others have said and offer another idea.

You said she has mood swings and takes pain meds.  What are they for?  Does she have some condition that would cause mood swings?  Is it possible that she has some sort of chemical imbalance or emotional ailment?  Mental health?  Temporary or chronic?  Have you looked into treating the mood swings?

[MIK]

Thanks for all the help during this time. Currently my dear wife and I are doing better. We have seen our couselor, spoken with our Bishop & Stake President. Many times together and also apart. We have came to the conclusion that we should seek out all the information advailable and take it to the Lord as a couple and as individuals. 

There are a lot of challenges to overcome. But our chances are greater if we work through them together along with our Savior. Many of the "pros" will say to have a structured seperation contract. We choose to stand together and come up with our marriage contract that has been inspired by the Lord. We are currently in that phase. It is not easy, seems each day we are blind-sided by some new challenge. As far as, medication.... She has turned to me to insure she stays within her prescribe amount. It is something I will do, but am a little reluctant. I don't like to have even the hint of a controlling role in our progress. But, for the short term it seems that it will help. We are truly still deeply in love. We both have to forgive each other and press forward. 

By praying daily, reading daily, taking time to date, serving others... It all just works. We both have grown stronger over the past few weeks and are hoping that growth continues.

One talk we watched together was by " It works wonderfully". In that talk we are taught that programs of men are good. But, if we are not careful they will overshadow the simple and powerful blessings of the atonement. I will say that talk really became a turning point in our choice to turn to the Savior more.

Many thanks for the responses. I will post again as this chapter in our life unfolds.

Mik

[Sunday21]

4 hours ago, MIK said:

 

One talk we watched together was by " It works wonderfully". In that talk we are taught that programs of men are good. But, if we are not careful they will overshadow the simple and powerful blessings of the atonement. I will say that talk really became a turning point in our choice to turn to the Savior.

Good for you! Sounds very promising. I really appreciate the lessons that you learned from "it works wonderfully" excellent conclusion. If you can, a trip to the temple can really boost your spirits and help you feel the spirit. Perhaps a walk on the temple grounds if the temple is nearby? Sounds like you are both on the right path!

Edited August 28, 2016 by Sunday21

[zil]

4 hours ago, MIK said:

She has turned to me to insure she stays within her prescribe amount. It is something I will do, but am a little reluctant. I don't like to have even the hint of a controlling role in our progress.

If it's difficult for her to do this herself, and she has asked you to help her do it, this isn't controlling, it's helping.  I see this no different from many other good things which are easier with a partner: sticking to a diet, exercise, goals, etc.  When there's someone to help you control something you either don't want to control, or struggle to control, it's easier than trying to do it alone through sheer will power.