Dating Much vs Dating Little

[Mike]

I seem to recall that when I was a teen my church leaders encouraged my generation to date (and to date more in groups than one-on-one alone for obvious reasons). Over the past couple of decades or so I've observed many parents lamenting that their teens "never dated" and some of the parents draw a connection between "this generation's behavior" and the fact that their child is past his or her twenties and still unmarried. I remember over-hearing the bishop in a singles ward only a few years ago "grilling" a ward member in the hallway outside the foyer about whether he had asked enough girls out that week, hahaha.)

I am happily married (41 years) and when fondly remembering my own youth I include happy and fun memories of dating "alot".  (I'm hearing in my mind the lyrics to John Mellencamp's song, Cherry Bomb: "...when I think back about those days all I can do is sit and smile." I like to believe that having met so many wonderful girls helped me to recognize the one I chose to marry when I finally met her. 

With this little personal background anecdote I'm curious whether any of you have an opinion (whether from personal experience or not) on the benefits (notwithstanding the risks and challenges that have always beset young people in their teens and single adults) or whether it even matters at all about dating "alot or a little". 

[Fether]

My first 4 months of being 16 I had a date every weekend with a different girl. By 18 I was down to about 1-2 dates a month (still pretty good). I got married 11months after my mission.

Dating is so fun! Marriage is a blast!! I don't understand why so many choose not to.

I don't know if amount of dates is as important as just being anxiously engaged in finding a spouse. I have a few friends that date a ton, but aren't looking, and a few friends that are looking, but more selective in who they ask out.

[Guest]

I went on 3 dates before my mission, and 2 more when I came back before I started dating my spouse.

For some people such as myself, it was really hard to go up to girls and talk! I was so shy back then I could barely make friends with other boys, let alone girls!  (I have gotten a lot better at this over time.)  Also, a lot of the girls I was around, both member and nonmember, were unfortunately not particularly nice to me all of those years.  They didn't understand me and I didn't understand them.  

I finally got my first kiss.  It was with my wife, and I was two weeks shy of turning 23.  We got married a little less than a year later.

Edited July 20, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Sunday21]

I think talking to many different people is helpful. You can do this at a dance without asking them out. I think that group dates are very helpful as you can see how the person reacts to others. Single dating has its hazards and not just sexual. On a single date a young person can be manipulated, I think some people call it 'spotlite' when an abusive person focuses on a victim? Anyway, I am not convinced of the benefits of single dating as those in my circle who dated a lot did not do well. 

On a positive note, I was very extroverted as a teen and did my best to make friends and ask to dance the lonely, reserved and isolated. These people responded like blocks of wood and would not even look at my face many times. Well within these blocks of wood were people and I have met these little blocks in the temple. They all grown up fully functional and...they are very warm towards me! So those blocks of wood appreciate the kindness even if you can't tell at the time!

[my two cents]

When I was a teen, I thought I would need to date a lot of different people in order to be selective of a spouse. That didn't really happen but it didn't matter. As long as a person is observant of all the relationships around them like I was, they can narrow things down pretty quick. 

[anatess2]

My opinion - Dating is overrated.  Don't date.

Rather, have a quadzillion friends!  Yes, I realize there are only about 7 billion people on the planet...

So, question - what does dating have that friends don't?  Kissing, possessiveness, expectations of who gets to pay for the movie.... all things you are better off without.

Anyway, I went through life dating only the person I inteded to marry.  One of them I ended up jilting (yes, yes, horrible of me, but we're still good friends until today - he even still calls my mother Mommy), the other one I've been married to for almost 20 years.  My husband was my good friend for 2 years.  He asked me out on a date to pop the question.  We got married 2 weeks later.

Edited July 20, 2017 by anatess2

[Guest MormonGator]

16 hours ago, Fether said:

Dating is so fun! Marriage is a blast!! I don't understand why so many choose not to.

 

Amen! So, so many times pop culture tells us that marriage is boring or hard. It might be boring and hard for some people, but marriage has been a huge blessing in my life. It's incredibly fun to share your life with someone. You (generic) usually hear something like "Oh, of course there are hard times." Well yes, but shouldn't you instead focus on the good times?

Dating was also fun. I had a blast escorting women to mini-golf, concerts, dinner, movies-it doesn't have to be super serious all the time. 

Perfect post @Fether

[Sunday21]

6 hours ago, my two cents said:

When I was a teen, I thought I would need to date a lot of different people in order to be selective of a spouse. That didn't really happen but it didn't matter. As long as a person is observant of all the relationships around them like I was, they can narrow things down pretty quick. 

Very true! Darn Straight!

[Fether]

3 hours ago, anatess2 said:

My opinion - Dating is overrated.  Don't date.

Rather, have a quadzillion friends!  Yes, I realize there are only about 7 billion people on the planet...

So, question - what does dating have that friends don't?  Kissing, possessiveness, expectations of who gets to pay for the movie.... all things you are better off without.

Anyway, I went through life dating only the person I inteded to marry.  One of them I ended up jilting (yes, yes, horrible of me, but we're still good friends until today - he even still calls my mother Mommy), the other one I've been married to for almost 20 years.  My husband was my good friend for 2 years.  He asked me out on a date to pop the question.  We got married 2 weeks later.

I went both ways. Had a TON of buddies and probably went on dates with 100+ different girls in highschool. But I know a lot of people don't like it. I love one on one communication and just having fun with a single girl (even in groupbdate settings this is possible).

As far as you obviously bias list of things that come with dating that you can't have with friends... well... what you listed were things the brethren have told us to avoid. We should stay away from steady dating till we are ready to be married. We should plan cheap dates (which if you are creative isn't too difficult... and movies are a sure fire way of having a bad date unless you already know the person well and both have interest in the movie).

People who date regularly (the truely elect of God) love to date. Those who don't date (those that rise in the 2nd resurrection) don't like to. There is no changing either side.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Fether

[anatess2]

1 hour ago, Fether said:

I went both ways. Had a TON of buddies and probably went on dates with 100+ different girls in highschool. But I know a lot of people don't like it. I love one on one communication and just having fun with a single girl (even in groupbdate settings this is possible).

As far as you obviously bias list of things that come with dating that you can't have with friends... well... what you listed were things the brethren have told us to avoid. We should stay away from steady dating till we are ready to be married. We should plan cheap dates (which if you are creative isn't too difficult... and movies are a sure fire way of having a bad date unless you already know the person well and both have interest in the movie).

People who date regularly (the truely elect of God) love to date. Those who don't date (those that rise in the 2nd resurrection) don't like to. There is no changing either side.

So what's the difference between taking out a friend to a movie and taking out a date to a movie?

[Sunday21]

13 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So what's the difference between taking out a friend to a movie and taking out a date to a movie?

Oh @anatess2! The snuggling! Why were scary movies invented.

[anatess2]

Just now, Sunday21 said:

Oh @anatess2! The snuggling! Why were scary movies invented.

Woop, there it is!

[Fether]

58 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So what's the difference between taking out a friend to a movie and taking out a date to a movie?

Calling it the wrong thing

"A date is a planned activity that allows a young man and a young woman to get to know each other better" FTSOY

So unless you both accidently showed up at the same place and same time (my 14 year old self tried to use this as justification to date before 16 often). Or you didn't want to get to know each other better... it was a date

Edited July 21, 2017 by Fether

[SilentOne]

What would you call it if you both showed up at the same movie with the intention to make out through the whole thing, absolutely no talking?

[Sunday21]

4 hours ago, SilentOne said:

What would you call it if you both showed up at the same movie with the intention to make out through the whole thing, absolutely no talking?

A big step onto the wrong road! But an arm around the shoulder and sharing popcorn is nice. Holding hands is good. Prolonged kissing no. 

[seashmore]

Haven't read through the replies, but...

My opinion is that what constitutes "dating" and "a date" in secular society has changed for all of the age groups. To most people the term "dating" means "dating exclusively" or "going steady." (A term no one uses, but everyone understands.) If you look at Elder Oaks epic counsel on dating vs. hanging out, you'll see it came in the midst of a recession, when hanging out at home to watch movies or play games was much cheaper than going out, blurring the lines between dates and gatherings for many. This lack of dating happening in our social circles therefore gave more emotional weight to each date. It's simple supply and demand economics. 

I think the feminist movements have also played a role in the changes in our dating culture, both inside and outside of the church. Nowadays, there are women who have been successful in education and careers who frankly intimidate some men. Some intentionally, some not. There are also women who don't mind asking a man out, and some may enjoy it as they feel it gives them an upper hand in the relationship (not healthy reasoning, by the way). Me personally? If he's not man enough to ask me out, he's not man enough to marry me. (Side note: a guy I was crushing on chuckled to himself when he overheard me say this lightheartedly to a sealer while we were all on break during our shift at the temple.) Edit: if I like a guy, I have no qualms about initiating a second date.

Online dating has also changed the structure of romantic relationships. I like the idea, and even have a friend who married someone she found online, but how does it work? How do you decide to be exclusive?

Edited July 22, 2017 by seashmore

[seashmore]

On July 20, 2017 at 1:27 PM, MormonGator said:

Amen! So, so many times pop culture tells us that marriage is boring or hard. It might be boring and hard for some people, but marriage has been a huge blessing in my life. It's incredibly fun to share your life with someone. You (generic) usually hear something like "Oh, of course there are hard times." Well yes, but shouldn't you instead focus on the good times?

Dating was also fun. I had a blast escorting women to mini-golf, concerts, dinner, movies-it doesn't have to be super serious all the time. 

Perfect post @Fether

I long for a little dullness. I've learned to love boring and hard times! This is not me being sarcastic or facetious; I really don't enjoy the "fun" things people do on dates. For a long time, I've believed that I'll make a better wife and mother than I would a girlfriend.

[Mike]

50 minutes ago, seashmore said:

I think the feminist movements have also played a role in the changes in our dating culture, both inside and outside of the church. Nowadays, there are women who have been successful in education and careers who frankly intimidate some men. Some intentionally, some not. There are also women who don't mind asking a man out, and some may enjoy it as they feel it gives them an upper hand in the relationship (not healthy reasoning, by the way). Me personally? If he's not man enough to ask me out, he's not man enough to marry me. (Side note: a guy I was crushing on chuckled to himself when he overheard me say this lightheartedly to a sealer while we were all on break during our shift at the temple.) Edit: if I like a guy, I have no qualms about initiating a second date.

Online dating has also changed the structure of romantic relationships. I like the idea, and even have a friend who married someone she found online, but how does it work? How do you decide to be exclusive?

I got asked out by girls when I was a teen (in the 70s) and I kinda liked it. I suppose "different strokes for different folks" applies here.   I personally never felt intimidated by a girl or by a woman who would go for what she wanted. I'm reminded of the Graham Nash' lines from "Wasted on the Way: ... look around you now, you must go for what you wanted. Look at all my friends who did and got what they deserved. ...and there's so much time to make up everywhere you turn ..."

[Guest MormonGator]

48 minutes ago, seashmore said:

I long for a little dullness. I've learned to love boring and hard times! This is not me being sarcastic or facetious; I really don't enjoy the "fun" things people do on dates. For a long time, I've believed that I'll make a better wife and mother than I would a girlfriend.

@seashmore, I totally agree with you. I think you'll make a wonderful wife/mother because of those traits. I think couples need to "learn to be still" (after the Eagles song) together. Just enjoying each others company at home reading, playing video games, watching TV, and doing nothing. Anyone can be happy going out to dinner, movies, plays, basketball games, but one of the true tests of love (and I'm very serious about this) is how you two interact when you are doing nothing at all. 

[SilentOne]

6 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

A big step onto the wrong road! But an arm around the shoulder and sharing popcorn is nice. Holding hands is good. Prolonged kissing no. 

So not a date, then?

[Fether]

On 7/20/2017 at 0:22 PM, anatess2 said:

My opinion - Dating is overrated.  Don't date.

 

Just do what David did to get his wife Michal in 1 Samuel 18:25-27

If only dating was so simple today...