Advice for porn addiction

[Zion]

Hi all! I'm a member for over 10 years. I served my mission, got married and have a baby now. Life is going well except one thing: I'm addictive to pornography. I watch couple a week and masturbate with it. I'm trying my besy over years but I cannot over come it. I feel bad when thinking about letting people or confess. Please give me some advise.

[Jane_Doe]

Have you attended counseling to understand what triggers you and how to disarm those triggers?

[zil]

Welcome, @Zion!  What Jane said.  When you have a sin you can't forsake on your own, go see your bishop - he will help - helping members to avail themselves of Christ's help is a major part of his calling (and the keys he holds).  He may also help you to find an addiction recovery group or counselor to aid you as Jane referenced.

The sooner you do this, the sooner you'll feel better - Satan is the one who wants you to keep it secret and go it alone - ignore him, step into the light.

[Midwest LDS]

@Zion Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. Porn addiction thrives in darkness, so you have to shed light on it to quit. You've already taken the first step, you've acknowledged the problem. Your next step is threefold. It's tough, but it's easier than feeling the crushing burden of guilt from breaking the commandments every day. 1. You need to tell your wife if you haven't. You will need her strength to help overcome this, and she has a right to know what's going on with you. In addition, she can help you stay accountable by monitoring your internet access. You can't beat this alone, if you could you would have stopped already, so bring her into this. 2. You have to talk to your bishop. You will never beat this addiction without access to the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and he has asked us to confess our sins in order to receive forgiveness. Doctrine and Covenants 58 42-43 

" 42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.

   43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them"

Talking to your bishop is not as scary as you may believe, Satan attempts to use our fear of other men to keep us from progressing, and the bishop can help you begin to fix this spiritually. 3. Look into counseling resources. There are 12 step groups and individual counselors who can help you overcome this. Don't be afraid to seek additonal help. It's just like going to the doctor when you break your arm, sometimes you need extra help to fix your problems. It's going to take some work brother, but you can do this and you can be clean again.

[workingonit]

I'm probably not the best to give advise, but I can relate.  There has been some good reccomendations here.  My advise...all of them, not just one or the other.  Counseling, 12 step, bishop, and the support of your wife.  The truth is where the real strenght will come from.  The idea of telling my wife, I believed my whole world would fall apart...the result was just the opposite.  

[loveandlight]

Look for a lifestar group in your area! The group therapy will be what saves you. I commend you for admitting you have a problem. Take care of it now before it ruins your life and marriage. 

[Bad Karma]

Hmm, why do you think that is, OP? Are you not attracted to your wife anymore? Does she with hold sex from you, or does not take care of herself this making you more interested in porn as a means of release? I'd have to think that a porn addiction is secondary to another very serious problem. 

[workingonit]

I think you are right @Bad Karma.  Porn addiciton is almost always a way to deal with other problems, a way of self medication.  For me, I was medicating anxiety.  But I never knew that until I was seeing the right therapist.  I came home early from my mission, because of anxiety.  I struggled through high school and college because of anxiety.  I began to learn how to manage it combined with medication, and suddenly I feel like a new man.  People don't know that there is something wrong with them, because they have "always felt that way".    Your wife and a therapist will prove invaluable as you deal with this.  They will see things in you which you likely will not see.  

[Bad Karma]

On 1/29/2018 at 2:07 PM, workingonit said:

I think you are right @Bad Karma.  Porn addiciton is almost always a way to deal with other problems, a way of self medication.  For me, I was medicating anxiety.  But I never knew that until I was seeing the right therapist.  I came home early from my mission, because of anxiety.  I struggled through high school and college because of anxiety.  I began to learn how to manage it combined with medication, and suddenly I feel like a new man.  People don't know that there is something wrong with them, because they have "always felt that way".    Your wife and a therapist will prove invaluable as you deal with this.  They will see things in you which you likely will not see.  

I am glad you have found success in dealing with anxiety, that is truly a blessing. Hey man, thank you for sharing your troubles with addiction and anxiety, that is no easy task at all. 

[Namaskar]

On 12/4/2017 at 7:34 PM, Zion said:

Hi all! I'm a member for over 10 years. I served my mission, got married and have a baby now. Life is going well except one thing: I'm addictive to pornography. I watch couple a week and masturbate with it. I'm trying my besy over years but I cannot over come it. I feel bad when thinking about letting people or confess. Please give me some advise.

Addictions are complex and alter the way our brain receives dopamine. I’ve had an eating disorder. What helped me finally recover was a therapist I randomly was paired with when me and my spouse started counseling together. He is a sexual dysfunction therapist, not a lot of knowledge about eating disorders but he understood how addictions work. 

Ecclesiastical leaders may have great ideas to support you, but they may not. 

Professional counselors may be able to help you discover what triggers your addiction and how you can treat the root cause. 

I hope you find what you need!

[omegaseamaster75]

On 12/5/2017 at 7:56 AM, Jane_Doe said:

Have you attended counseling to understand what triggers you and how to disarm those triggers?

I am assuming the @Zion is a guy. I think we can all guess what triggers this behavior.

On 12/4/2017 at 6:34 PM, Zion said:

Hi all! I'm a member for over 10 years. I served my mission, got married and have a baby now. Life is going well except one thing: I'm addictive to pornography. I watch couple a week and masturbate with it. I'm trying my besy over years but I cannot over come it. I feel bad when thinking about letting people or confess. Please give me some advise.

@Zion  Now for some advice, go see your Bishop he will get you on the path to repentance, that is step 1. Step 2 is knocking it off. NO MORE PORN.  Do you have a bad habit? or has it grown into something more? If it is more than just a bad habit you do need to see a counsler as stated by @Jane_Doe.  If you are serious about overcoming this problem be prepared to crack your wallet and do what it takes for yourself and your family.

Edited February 22, 2018 by omegaseamaster75

[omegaseamaster75]

On 12/5/2017 at 8:26 AM, Midwest LDS said:

@Zion Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. Porn addiction thrives in darkness, so you have to shed light on it to quit. You've already taken the first step, you've acknowledged the problem. Your next step is threefold. It's tough, but it's easier than feeling the crushing burden of guilt from breaking the commandments every day. 1. You need to tell your wife .

I disagree with this advice, and only @Zion can answer once he determines the extent of his issue.  Why bring discord into the marriage at this point? I am not saying that at some future point she "may" need to be told but I think that there are other steps that can be taken first. As you pointed out See the Bishop and start the repentance process.

[Midwest LDS]

13 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I disagree with this advice, and only @Zion can answer once he determines the extent of his issue.  Why bring discord into the marriage at this point? I am not saying that at some future point she "may" need to be told but I think that there are other steps that can be taken first. As you pointed out See the Bishop and start the repentance process.

I can see where you are coming from, but pornography addiction thrives in darkness. You need to be able to share your struggles with your wife in order to overcome it. It's been my experience that secrets do not strengthen but weaken marriages especially because this one will come out. Whether it's a friend who accidentally mentions it, or a direct question from the wife about why he is seeing the Bishop, or he forgets to clear out his internet history, his wife is going to find out. And she deserves to know her husband's struggles so she can help him. Better to show her your commitment to overcoming the problem by telling her directly, then to have her get hit in the face by a surprise. This is just my opinion, I'm not a councillor, but I think it's true. 

Edited February 22, 2018 by Midwest LDS

[Guest]

In addition to the above advice (confessing, going through the repentance process, etc.), I would recommend taking up a hobby or something really fun you can turn to instead when you feel urges to use porn.

For example, you can take up playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild.  Every time you have the urge to use porn, you can turn on Zelda instead to get your mind off of it and focused on something else.  A Nintendo Switch may be a particularly useful tool for this, since you are not in front of a computer and I imagine accessing porn through a Nintendo Switch would be kind of difficult.  Besides, once you get into Zelda: Breath of the Wild, you will see - why would anyone waste their time on porn when they could be playing Zelda instead?  It is that good of a game.

You may laugh, but I am serious!  You need to fill up the hole in your life that was previously occupied by pornography with something else.  (Obviously, scripture reading and prayer should be part of filling up this hole, but if the temptation lasts for several hours at a time several times a week, you may need to take other measures too).  If Zelda isn't your cup of herbal tea, then you could take up birdwatching or coin collecting or whatever else you nongamers do to have fun.  But the point is, have something else to go to when you feel a wave of temptation.

Edited February 22, 2018 by DoctorLemon

[Guest]

Here are some ideas for things you can do next time you have a wave of temptation to get your mind off of pornography: pray, read scriptures, watch BYU TV, listen to conference talks, read good books, go on a hike, listen to music, (holds nose) watch sports on TV, go on a country drive, invite friends over for Dungeons and Dragons, go out to eat somewhere, make a batch of cookies, walk around at the mall, look for a service project to do, go on a jog, call a friend, write a letter to missionaries from your ward, write in your journal about your progress, play a musical instrument, do some creative writing, buy a new album and listen to it . . . anything to get your mind off of the pornography and prevent you from indulging.

When fighting a pornography addiction, boredom is one of your worst enemies.

Remember, you win the war by winning lots of small victories!

Edited February 22, 2018 by DoctorLemon

[omegaseamaster75]

23 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

I can see where you are coming from, but pornography addiction thrives in darkness. You need to be able to share your struggles with your wife in order to overcome it. It's been my experience that secrets do not strengthen but weaken marriages especially because this one will come out. Whether it's a friend who accidentally mentions it, or a direct question from the wife about why he is seeing the Bishop, or he forgets to clear out his internet history, his wife is going to find out. And she deserves to know her husband's struggles so she can help him. Better to show her your commitment to overcoming the problem by telling her directly, then to have her get hit in the face by a surprise. This is just my opinion, I'm not a councillor, but I think it's true. 

I will focus in on what I think is a key word addiction.  As soon as someone mentions porn that word gets thrown out.  

[Guest]

59 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I will focus in on what I think is a key word addiction.  As soon as someone mentions porn that word gets thrown out.  

I don't know . . . OP is saying he is "trying his best" with it but still cannot stop watching a couple of times a week and this has been happening for years.  This sounds pretty addicted to me . . . 

I appreciate the fact that there is a push in the Church not to call a one-off with pornography an "addiction" (though the repentance steps are the same).  However, in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step towards recovery is admitting you are addicted, that your life is unmanageable and you are powerless to control your life.  I think we need to be careful about going the other extreme and telling people they aren't addicted when they actually might be and need to face up to the fact, admit they are addicted, and get some help.

Edited February 23, 2018 by DoctorLemon

[Midwest LDS]

55 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I will focus in on what I think is a key word addiction.  As soon as someone mentions porn that word gets thrown out.  

Not everyone who has used porn becomes addicted, but many who do are. I don't know how others choose to define it, but to me regular and repeated use that has detrimental side effects on the user's life and despite those negative side effects the user cannot stop the behaivor is an addiction to me. Now I do believe that an addiction can be overcome through the grace of Jesus Christ and sustained effort, I don't believe in the idea of once addicted always addicted, but it's important to recognize the problem in order to overcome it.

[Midwest LDS]

Duplicate

Edited February 23, 2018 by Midwest LDS

[omegaseamaster75]

Just now, DoctorLemon said:

I don't know . . . OP is saying he is "trying his best" with it but still cannot stop watching a couple of times a week and this has been happening for years.  This sounds pretty addicted to me . . . 

I appreciate the fact that there is a push in the Church not to call a one-off with pornography an "addiction" (though the repentance steps are the same).  However, in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step towards recovery is admitting you are addicted, that your life is unmanageable and you are powerless to control your life.  I think we need to be careful about going the other extreme and telling people they aren't addicted when they actually might be.

I am not saying he is not addicted I am saying that it is too soon to tell, based on what we know which is very little the OP has not talked to his bishop, has not sought out counseling etc.  Yet we jump on the addiction train. Based on what we know and I'll give that a 50% discount I would not use the addiction word YET. We maybe able to use it once we have more information but not yet. For now I think the OP has a bad habit and he needs to knock it off. (and see his Bishop) 

 

[omegaseamaster75]

2 minutes ago, Midwest LDS said:

Not everyone who has used porn becomes addicted, but many who do are. I don't know how others choose to define it, but to me regular and repeated use that has detrimental side effects on the user's life and despite those negative side effects the user cannot stop the behaivor is an addiction to me. Now I do believe that an addiction can be overcome through the grace of Jesus Christ and sustained effort, I don't believe in the idea of once addicted always addicted, but it's important to recognize the problem in order to overcome it.

@DoctorLemon gave a great defination of addiction

6 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

I don't know . . . OP is saying he is "trying his best" with it but still cannot stop watching a couple of times a week and this has been happening for years.  This sounds pretty addicted to me . . . 

I appreciate the fact that there is a push in the Church not to call a one-off with pornography an "addiction" (though the repentance steps are the same).  However, in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step towards recovery is admitting you are addicted, that your life is unmanageable and you are powerless to control your life.  I think we need to be careful about going the other extreme and telling people they aren't addicted when they actually might be.

See part highlighted.  An addict not only can't stop but it becomes all consuming. 

[Midwest LDS]

By the way @omegaseamaster75 we are mostly on the same page I think, both of us want OP to end his destructive practice, and regardless of whose advice he follows as long as he visits the Bishop he is on the right track☺.  

[omegaseamaster75]

7 minutes ago, Midwest LDS said:

 I don't believe in the idea of once addicted always addicted, but it's important to recognize the problem in order to overcome it.

Once an addict always an addict. Is the saying, I think most would agree that this is the case. A recovering heroin addict can never take heroin again even in moderation, same for smokers, and "most" former alcoholics. 

[omegaseamaster75]

4 minutes ago, Midwest LDS said:

By the way @omegaseamaster75 we are mostly on the same page I think, both of us want OP to end his destructive practice, and regardless of whose advice he follows as long as he visits the Bishop he is on the right track☺.  

I agree, I think he needs to find out where he is in the journey to repentance/recovery and assess from there.

[Midwest LDS]

3 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Once an addict always an addict. Is the saying, I think most would agree that this is the case. A recovering heroin addict can never take heroin again even in moderation, same for smokers, and "most" former alcoholics. 

Sure although I believe that means the weakness persists not neccessarily the addiction. To me, it's the loss of control aspect that represents the addiction rather than the weakness for the particular vice, someone should definitly avoid the substance causing the addiction in the future.