That's Not Fair!

[Guest]

I got into a discussion the other day about teaching children what was fair.  The adults in the discussion  seemed to disagree on what exactly was fair or not.  But they were all agreed upon one point:  Life isn't fair.  And maybe that is the better lesson to teach.

I disagreed.  I thought life really is fair.  In fact, more than fair.  But we tend to have a distorted view of what fair is.  We tend to think that things are only fair if things turn out great for US and all those we care about.

The one leading the discussion then asked me,"So, what is fair?"

Quote

Fair is something that takes time to measure.  We can't teach what is fair in a short classroom discussion or a simulation.  Fair is something that we learn over a lifetime while keeping our eye on an Eternal perspective.

Fair takes into account that we can do everything right and still fail.  Or we can do everything wrong and still succeed.

Fair is about understanding that none of us gets what we deserve.  Thank HEAVEN that we don't get what we deserve.

Fair is about understanding that the Son of Man hath descended below them all.  Are we greater than He?

 

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with you in a theoretical sense, and as far as teaching kids goes, it strikes me that the eternal aspect of “fairness” would be a good discussion to have at a family home evening, or in a one-on-one fishing trip.  

But it seems to me that on a day-to-day basis, when we talk about “fairness” with our kids it’s in the context of guiding their behavior and teaching them to act justly using a sort of paradigm of “isn’t this how you would want someone else to treat you?”  

In early stages of moral development that’s a helpful behavioral litmus test.  The thing is, at some point we have to move beyond that paradigm; because during this life we really have no guarantee that we will receive justice.  We can only aspire to do justice; and the point of the Golden Rule (as opposed to the eye-for-an-eye regimen that preceded it) is that whether we do justice whether or not we receive it ourselves.  If you’re striving to become an exalted being—or just to live in a semi-functional society—that’s a lifestyle you’ve got to commit to.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Just_A_Guy

[seashmore]

The only thing that's fair about life is that it's not fair for everyone. Some people will get more than they have earned, some less. 

[zil]

Law #4: What you believe, you will cause to exist.  This is not the same as saying you can make reality vanish by choosing not to believe in it - faith doesn't work backwards, only forwards.  If you believe excellence is its own reward, you may or may not succeed at what you do, but at least you're not trying to do something less than excel.  The "lower your expectations so you're not disappointed" tactic doesn't work in the long run except to destroy.  It stems from despair (aka Satan), not God.

For references on this idea that the what you believe is what you see (rather than vice versa), see Lectures on Faith, Approaching Zion by Hugh Nibley, and the scriptures in general, but especially:

Quote

Abraham 3:17 Now, if there be two things, one above the other, and the moon be above the earth, then it may be that a planet or a star may exist above it; and there is nothing that the Lord thy God shall take in his heart to do but what he will do it.

We are commanded to be like God (as best we can).  This includes faith sufficient to cause to come into existence that which you believe.

Meanwhile, I decided a definition of "fair" was in order:

Quote

adjective
1. in accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate.

adverb
1. without cheating or trying to achieve unjust advantage.

The problem with "life isn't fair" is that it is first conceived in childhood and it is such a popular phrase that we just never question or analyze it.  (Some can be excused as "they know not where to find" the truth.)  But life is in fact in accordance with rules and standards.  We knew before coming here that we were coming to a fallen world where we and others would sin.  We knew that the consequences of sin are suffering.  So when people sin and people suffer, we cannot say this is not in accordance with rules or standards - it is.

The complaint is rather that the speaker wants a different outcome, one more in their own favor, one not in accordance with the rules and standards.

Guess what - Christ came and performed his Atonement specifically to overcome the consequences of mortality.  Through him, we are no longer subject only to the rules and standards of fallen-ness, but now have access to mercy, healing, forgiving, and being forgiven.  These are a higher set of rules and standards to which we can rise, if we choose.

Which takes us to the adverbial form.  A person can behave (feel, think, speak, act) fairly (righteously) or unfairly (sinfully).  In our fallen world, we try to establish reasonable laws to discourage and punish certain unfair types of behavior.  But we're fallen, we can't do this perfectly.  So while the person is behaving unfairly, it's actually not unfair - it's still according to the rules and standards.  So, their behavior may be unfair, but the outcome actually isn't.  (I know, everyone wants to reject that notion.)

And again, Christ comes and offers us grace by which we can rise above the rules and standards of mortal life and try to adopt a higher set of rules and standards, ones where mercy and generosity play a larger part.  When we do this, we stop looking for whether the outcome is far enough in our favor for us to falsely label it "fair", and instead start looking for ways to be merciful and generous and grateful.  As we do this, we rise to a higher level of rules and standards, and are blessed with perspective and understanding.

Note: I'm fully aware that none of this is easy or pain free.  We may suffer injustice in mortality, but the rules and standards of fallen-ness say this is fair.  And the way to ease the pain and disappointment is not to lower our expectations and just expect "unfair".  The way is to rise to a new level of rules and standards, where mercy, generosity, and gratitude ease the pain, raise our expectations, and help us to lift others rather than discourage them.

Edited February 11, 2018 by zil

[SilentOne]

What I've been saying in response to, "Life isn't fair," when appropriate, is that life is fair; we just can't see that during this life.

[warnerfranklin]

In his book “However Long & Far the Road” Elder Holland quotes the following passage: 

“It is really a bad world, yet in the midst of it I have found a quiet and holy people. They have discovered a joy which is a thousand times better than any pleasure of this sinful life. They are despised and persecuted, but they care not. They have overcome the world. These people, Donatus, are the Christians and I am one of them." (Quoted by Marion D. Hanks, "Freedom and Responsibility," BYU Speeches of the Year, May 28, 1964, p. 11.)

May we all have this outlook when life isn’t being what we think it should be.

[Guest MormonGator]

My Pops would say to me, "You are right, it's not fair. You better hope and pray it doesn't get fair."  

The reality is that if you are reading this, you are probably more well off than a large, large percentage of the worlds population. 

Edited February 12, 2018 by MormonGator

[Suzie]

19 hours ago, SilentOne said:

What I've been saying in response to, "Life isn't fair," when appropriate, is that life is fair; we just can't see that during this life.

 

I have a very hard time comprehending the concept of fairness in life. I admit is one of the things that take away my sleep at night...

Example being.....I don't see anything fair about a baby born into abuse to be starved, raped and beaten daily......non-stop........and then brutally murdered in the hands of his/her abusers...

I know the example might seem extreme, but it is not...there are many people in this world living this daily.

Life is NOT fair for everyone. I don't know WHY it is not and it makes me incredibly sad and often times angry....

But I just hope with the little I have to offer to this world...that I can help as many people as I can...in whatever way or means possible.

 

[wenglund]

If life were fair, there would be no evolution (or progression).

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

Edited February 13, 2018 by wenglund

[Rob Osborn]

Life definitely isnt fair. Especially when it comes to opportunities to hear and follow the gospel, life for sure isnt fair. My dad for example was one of 5 children. None of his family were LDS. His father and brother died in a horrific drowning in a car when my dad was about 10. They went and lived with their Grandpa after that. After High school my dad met my mother who was LDS. They fell in love and my dad stopped drinking, joined the church and they were married in the temple. However, the rest of my dads family werent in this same boat, none of them to this day have had interest in the church, and continue in their ways. They fit that definition of being honorable but blinded by the craftiness of men.

So, what then is "fair" in the eternal scope? Was my dad lucky? Absolutely! Its something I have alwsys drawn upon realizing that this life, by itself, does in no way determine where we spend eternity. Thats why we have the afterlife and millennium. All will be sorted out and everyone given an equal chance to succeed at Gods plan.