Something I've never shared before...

[Jamie123]

I have often thought of telling this story, but something has always held me back. It may not sound like very much, but somehow it's always stayed vivid in my mind. Perhaps it's time I saw what others made of it.

It was in 1992 - 32 years ago. It was not too long after my first meeting with the first pair of missionaries who taught me. They invited me to a "fireside" at the church, which was to be led by a certain President Johnson - the "Area President". They were all excited about having such an important man come to talk. I didn't understand what was so special about an "Area President", but I could tell that this was a very big deal for them. One of the missionaries had written to me saying it was very important that I should come, because it was mostly for the benefit of investigators. Anyway I went.

I was sitting there waiting for it to start when this particular missionary came to talk to me. (I wont tell you her "missionary name", but her first name was Veronica. She was a thoroughly nice girl and totally enthusiastic about her work.) People were coming into the church and I asked her if most of these were investigators. She looked a bit embarrassed and admitted that most were members, but she said that she had hoped there would be more nonmembers there. That was when what I can only describe as a "black mood" started to settle on me.

Anyway, President Johnson started his talk. He told the story of his conversion. Yes, he was a convert. Not even a child convert (as some who claim to be converts are if you probe them deeply enough). No, he was an adult convert. He had been converted as a young man, through his future wife who introduced him to the Church. But the more he talked, somehow the darker my mood became. I began to feel a totally irrational anger towards him, and a hatred of the whole place I was in.

After the meeting came the chatty-chatty time. A few people tried to engage me in conversation, including Veronica and her companion (whose name was Janelle) but I had little to say to them. I felt horrible - like I was suffocating. I could only bear it for a few minutes after which I went out to my car and drove home.

Back home, all alone, I felt worse. Everything was meaningless and empty. I remember looking up the stairwell into the gloom above and thinking "I can't stand this". So after about ten minutes, not knowing what else to do, I got back into my car and drove back to the meeting house. The party was just starting to break up as I slipped back in amongst the members. I don't think any of them had noticed I'd been gone, and I had a good many offers of a lift home (which of course I politely declined because I had my own car). But funnily enough the mood was now lifting. I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't struck with an overwhelming joy, like I "knew it was all true" but the blackness were clearing. I felt normal again.

And that's it really. I don't remember feeling anything quite like it before or since. Recently I watched a YouTube video by "A----a G------l" (I wouldn't mention any Anti-Mormon's name here) where she describes how she lost her testimony. Part of what she describes does sound similar to what happened to me, but without the last part. For me it was not the going away but the returning which took away the blackness.

I never told this to anyone before now. Not even Veronica and Janelle - not that I didn't like or trust them, but something always held me back. Anyway that's the story. The experience didn't lead me towards, or particularly away from the Church, but I have always found it curious.

Edited July 12, 2024 by Jamie123

[zil2]

IMO, the black mood was Satan's influence (consider that he is always the source of such feelings as you describe: anger, hatred, horrible, worse, meaningless, empty - those are all Satan's tools, not God's), and when you chose to return, you were in essence rejecting that influence (acting contrary to it) and he lost the power to force those feelings on you and thus the feelings stopped.  I expect that had you gone into your home and stewed, the feelings would have gotten worse, at least for a time.  They may have faded after a night's rest - or not...  I expect any good thing - such as prayer or reading from scripture - would also have ended those feelings.

[mikbone]

57 minutes ago, Jamie123 said:

I felt horrible - like I was suffocating

Reminds me very much of many scriptural accounts in the LDS Canon. 

Joseph Smith’s first vision.

Moses's experience in Moses 1

Alma the younger’s vision in Alma 36:12-21

Sometimes a testimony comes after a trial of faith.  I’m glad you followed the prompting to return to the meetinghouse.

Ether 12:6 “… for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.“

Edited July 11, 2024 by mikbone

[NeuroTypical]

It can be hard to tell the difference between emotions and spiritual impressions and what I guess might be reactions to spiritual influences from outside ourselves.  I don't know what to think of your story, but thank you for sharing!

Over my life, I've sort of adopted the opinion that the Holy Spirit will testify of truth, not lies.  And it will do it in ways that fills me with hope/joy/love.  I'm not saying I'm doctrinally correct here, but I have a hard time understanding how the Lord or a heavenly messenger would inspire dark or angry thoughts or feelings of dread.  Aren't they supposed to be on the errand of the perfect source of love and joy?

What do you think your dark experience meant?

[Vort]

Not sure what to make of it. My spiritual training and religious education tend to make me think of evil influences as the (or at least a) root cause. My humanistic rationality wonders what other things were going on in your mind that might have led to this weird, not-very-rational state of anger and resentment.

I echo NT: What do you think it meant?

[Jamie123]

19 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

What do you think your dark experience meant?

18 hours ago, Vort said:

I echo NT: What do you think it meant?

My own "humanistic rationaliy" makes me think "probably nothing".

At the time I was - or had been - very excited about Mormonism, which seemed like the Holy Grail. It answered, at least superficially, many of the problems I had with mainstream Christianity, which in the years prior to that had sent me spiralling into atheism. I was thinking "can this really be?" I was always deeply mistrustful of "religious experience". As a student I had felt isolated amongst Christians - especially in "House groups" and "Bible studies" - being physically present and participating, but finding the emotional praying and arm waving had little to do with me. The doctrines, particularly those about Hell and predestination made no sense at all. (Not that most people were very big on hell or predestination, but that these things were tolerated at all was anathema to me.) And that's not all: before I even learned about the Calvinist/Armanianist "thing", there was the whole malarkey of the Gifts of the Spirit - speaking in tongues - you know the sort of thing. It bugged me how casually and matter-of-factly it was accepted, and how no one could understand why I had an issue with it. (Them: "It's the Holy Spirit, that's all it is!" Me: "What do you mean all?") My initial hopes about the Latter-day Saints were turning (I suspect) into a disillusionment that perhaps, underneath the gloss and despite the "we do not believe in predestination, it is a false doctrine" (an actual quote from a GA in a conference video, which buoyed me up incredibly when I first heard it), this was really just more of the same. And like NT says, emotions can have strange effects.

I wonder too, since I'm seeing this through the fog of 33 years (it was 1991 by the way, not 1992) whether my memory has built this particular experience into something more significant than it was. But I think not.

Edited July 13, 2024 by Jamie123
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[NeuroTypical]

Well @Jamie123, you're ok in my book.   Glad you're here.