In pain.....need advice....

[newlight]

The story of my life is way too long and I dont want to bore anyone but I will try to make this as brief as possible...

I married about 13 years ago..... went through many things in my life where i isolated myself from my wife and my family. I never was unfaithful until someone close in my life past away.(after 10 yrs of marriage)..i became rebellious against everything i believed in and knew was true...my poor wife was there with me throughout all of my pain but because of the spiritual darkness i was in..i started to distance myself from here..she became ill with UTIs because of the pregnancies and because of this we were hardly ever intimate...time passed and I started to even consume alcoholic beverages not alot ...3 or 4 at the most just enough to give me that sensation of diziness...i wanted to not feel pain...

....finally it happened i was unfaithful..i felt lonely i felt in need of something,to fill my emptiness i needed to feel new emotions i needed to feel alive somehow and I looked outside the sacred walls of matrimony...i did it several times throughout 3 years with different people...she never knew about it but during this time she started falling out of love also.....finally after being unfaithful several times i started feeling the weight of sin i started feeling bad about the whole situation...I stopped seeing the person i was involved with and told her i needed to put my life in order ...

and then the worst happend ..a friend of hers (non member) knew of our situation, she would counsel her about us...tell her what to do to make things work between us..well one day i rcvd a call from her and she started giving me advice ...the calls started being daily calls...i took alot of her advice and started changing and then after a month or so she started telling me that she didnt know what my wife was thinking, that with a man like me she would be very happy...and finally she told me that she had always been attracted to me...the conversations went from advice to how handsome i was ...pretty much she stroked that male ego and i fell into the trap ...we met one evening and it happened again .....

well in the meantime my wife started asking a male friend mine if my change was real...well my friend (non member) i guess was always attracted to my wife...and he started telling her things that were secrets that i had confided in him...Yes I know it gets worst....well he also knew exactly what to say to get to her heart.......In the meantime..i told this other person that what had happened was wrong and that it couldnt happen again and that we needed to maintian our distance...needless to say someone saw us talking and told the wife about it....she confronted me and I lied about it... i was trying to change but i fell again but i felt really bad because i had tried changing for the first time....i was tempted where i was the weakest and couldnt resist that temptation...and i hated myself because of it....well my "friend" told her more or less what i had done and my just couldnt believe it....we dealt with it..tried to work on forgiveness in change .

..she went to her mothers house for about 2 months during this time i talked to this person a few other times..told her that we couldnt continue and that i needed to seek spiritual counsel..i finally had the courage to go see the bishop......he was in pain for my family of course....

I told him everything...and he gave me a list of things i needed to do and of course i had to have a disciplinary counsel....well she came back from her mothers and i told her of my change....i didnt confess everything to her because the bishop told me to seek the spirit and that I would know when she was ready to hear my confessions...well that was shot because my so called friend started telling her things...things that made her resent me. Of course he was doing this with an ulterior motive..telling her that he would never do the things i did that he would love her like no other..etc etc..

I want everyone to know that I had a real change in life after the Disc Counsel...i started doint the things i was told ..i starrted reading the scriptures...praying, doing the things that i needed to get back on track...in the meantime my friend was brain washing the wife and several months he tricked her into seeing him and altho she said no many times...he wouldnt take no for an answer ...and she fell....well...now she had a a Disc Couns..... at this point i had told her of only 2 women i had been with....

After all of this we finally went to a marriage counselor...Both of us decided to try to work things out ..to try to forgive each other and forget our past.....During this time i rcvd calls from some of the women i had been involved with..i asked them to forgive me for what i had done ..i told them that i was going to work things out with my wife and not to call again..Almost a year has past and I have not looked back..have not gone back to anything i did..i completely closed the door on satan and all of his temptations ..things have changed completely in my house ..there is love in my home...my children trust me and actually talk to me as a father ...we have FHE every monday..Not once have i missed church...I've tried not to miss any of my prayers, scripture study...Just recently I've been given back my rights and privileges in church again and im participating of the sacraments... Things had started to look promising ...we started saying that we loved each other....my eyes, mind, heart and soul belong to her only....making love to her actually involves love now......Shes seems happy and has said that the lord has made her feel that we did the right thing but yet she says that there was something still there ...something that she felt was in the way...something that prevented her from completely falling in love with me.....

One day we were joking about something we saw on tv the theme was related to multiple lovers and she asked me if i had ever thought of that when i was spiritual darkness....well, i had promised the lord that if she ever asked me that I would tell her the complete truth...so i sat next to her and said that there was something i needed to tell her......I told her about the other women i was involved with and her jaw dropped.....its been a few days and she says that i make her sick...that she cant imagine being with a man that was as promiscuous as i was while being married to her...she asks me all types of questions ..sometimes she asks for specific details and i've answered them....some of them i have to not tell her exactly how or what happened because i know she will just flip out even more.....

I know im my heart i am a changed man....the lord knows it...ive prayed everyday for this change and I will never ever go back to that past....I also know I love her...like i've never known love like this...a spiritual love...but yet nothing i say can calm her, nothing i say can give her peace...even if all of it is spiritual advice..just the fact that its coming from me..she will not hear it...shes talked to the bishop and altho hes said that she needs to base everything on these past 12 months shes still having a really hard time with this...

I'm heart broken...i torn apart...I did this for us ...because she said that our foundation for a successful marriage was honesty..but yet i feel sometimes as if it backfired....

I do not expect anyone to understand me..i dont expect to be judged on here....all i am seeking is advice on articles of love and forgiveness...scriptures....hymns ..youtube videos/songs even if its modern popular bands..romantic songs...i pray everyday...and i leave it in the Lords hands and I know that she needs to seek the lords counsel but until she removes these moments of anger and resentment ...i want to send her things that she can read or listen things that will lift her spirit and inspire her to seek the Lord...

Please dont judge me...Only one person can do that and i am aware that i have all of my life to prove that i have repented...

Sorry but i couldn't keep it short...

please pay no attention to grammar or spelling... :)

[Guest tomk]

newlight:

I skimmed through your post. I have to admit it is quite jumbled and difficult to read. Even seperating it into paragraphs might help the rest of us.

I don't want to give you substitutions for the healing you need. What you need is to form a relationship with the Lord, then follow His counsel.

One technique I use to accomplish that is "counseling with the Lord in writing". It is quite simple in concept, but tremendous in it's power to connect us with the Savior. I do this each morning before I go to work.

What I do is keep a journal. Each entry consists of a written prayer to Jesus. I write down my thoughts and concerns. And then I write what I feel His response is. It becomes a give and take "dialogue" between myself and the Lord. And since it is written down, over time it becomes "scripture" for me, every bit as much as the Book of Mormon or the Bible.

Good luck in your walk with Christ.

Tom

[Guest denzino]

I feel for you brother. I was actually in a situation similar to yours. sad to say it ended in divorce. I don't want to post public feedback here, but feel free to send me a message. I am here for support in whatever you need. You know that God loves and cares for you and your family. Hope it feels better knowing you have support..

[WillowTheWhisp]

Newlight, are you asking for help for your wife to help her to be able to cope with what you have just told her and still love you? You may find that she never does. She will feel betrayed. All the time she has trusted you and thought that you were true to her. Now she has learned that you have been living a lie and had other lovers during your marriage. It's natural that she is no longer able to see your relationship in the same way. I'm not sure that anything will be able to change that for her. Would you be able to trust her if you found out that all the years of your marriage she had been deceiving you?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but your wife may only find peace and happiness with someone else who she can trust completely.

[Hemidakota]

The story of my life is way too long

Did you talk to your Bishop?

[newlight]

Yes we both did...I spoke to him and told him first that i wanted to tell her the whole truth..he said that i needed to....then she spoke with him and then both of us together...finally he asked if there was anything else that she didnt know about...I said No that everything was out in the open now. He told her that He knew it was going to be hard for her but that she needed to look at the man that promised her a year ago change and that has kept his word since then... to seek the Lords comfort adn guidance and it was possible to get through this....

[Hemidakota]

Newlight, you indeed a blessed brother. Don't fear in treading in the water of repentance. Your Bishop is absolutely correct in asking for guidance from the Godhead. I may recommend in reading the Book by President Spencer W, Kimball, “Miracle of Forgiveness”. There is a couple of chapters that may provide some help for you.

Newlight, I have seen great men fall by infidelity but return later in becoming stronger and wiser to this tremendous weakness. The hardship for you for the next few years [as told already], is gainer her trust. It can be done. Trust me. She will again accept you as companion without reservation. Stay close to the Godhead every day in helping her to recover and for you to be strengthened. Like any sin, it is a habitual drug and can easily return over night if not checked.

God bless you and your wife in the coming sweet years my friend. :)

[rosie321]

While I'm certain that this is not what you want to hear I ask you to consider what I am saying for a moment.. Consider for a time what you did and the impact that your actions have on your wife. You have given her no reason at all to trust you and have broken lifes most sacred LDS trusts. Adultery, disciplinary counsel-putting at risk your eternal marriage and sealing, drinking, repeatedly lying to your wife..... These actions bear grave. consequences. Simple apologies cannot repair what you have done.

Your discussion of what was done most likely hurt her because it brought back memories of the broken trust. Be patient with her. The greater the damage the greater the time to heal. Some things may never be back to the way that they were. Sin bears a heavy price. Consider this cost always so you are not tempted again.

If you want to see your relationship survive, please do not gather information to give your wife on love and forgiveness. Most likely this will seem insulting coming from you and may only reopen wounds right now. Let the Lord and her friends draw her back to those principles. You can pray for her and your relationship while continuing to grow in the Lord.

I don't know what the full extent of the damage is to your marriage or if it can be saved. It would be a tremendous blessing if things could be worked out and your wife finds the strength to forgive you. Divorce would be spiritually justified though because of your actions. The fact that she has stayed with you this long may be a good sign.

Continue to read your scriptures, pray, and turn to leaders for support.

Praying for you.

Newlight, are you asking for help for your wife to help her to be able to cope with what you have just told her and still love you? You may find that she never does. She will feel betrayed. All the time she has trusted you and thought that you were true to her. Now she has learned that you have been living a lie and had other lovers during your marriage. It's natural that she is no longer able to see your relationship in the same way. I'm not sure that anything will be able to change that for her. Would you be able to trust her if you found out that all the years of your marriage she had been deceiving you?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but your wife may only find peace and happiness with someone else who she can trust completely.

[newlight]

Newlight, are you asking for help for your wife to help her to be able to cope with what you have just told her and still love you? You may find that she never does. She will feel betrayed. All the time she has trusted you and thought that you were true to her. Now she has learned that you have been living a lie and had other lovers during your marriage. It's natural that she is no longer able to see your relationship in the same way. I'm not sure that anything will be able to change that for her. Would you be able to trust her if you found out that all the years of your marriage she had been deceiving you?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but your wife may only find peace and happiness with someone else who she can trust completely.

Its not harsh...its reality..I know that not anyone would be able to deal with something like this..but the reason i am fighting for this relationship is because I have read many articles from prophets, apostles and church authorities that say that if you are able to work through something like this..truly forgive and forget and not let Satan in your heart and mind with resentment or hatered, that the Lord will bless the relationship even more, because we are not breaking up an family that has been sealed and can be eternal.

Aside from that, I have prayed about just getting a divorce...i had already thought that it was something that was a possibility and i personally felt that the spirit answered with rejection ..a sensation that made me feel that I must fight for her that I shouldnt give up....that was the spiritual side...

then later...as a man of this world i started thinking about what my life would be without her and my body and i started feeling sick to my stomach, i felt nauseated, anxious....two different experiences...two differnt feelings....This is why i feel i must go on...and all i am asking here on these forums are for people to share articles of love of forgiveness of eternal marriage...so that i can give to her....I can't read every publication that is out there and I'm sure people here have read things that I haven't ...thats all I am asking for.

[skalenfehl]

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but it sounds like you are on the right path with the Lord. What ever happens, that is what you have to hold on to whatever it takes and just let time and hope and the Lord guide you along.

....all i am seeking is advice on articles of love and forgiveness...scriptures....hymns ..youtube videos/songs even if its modern popular bands..romantic songs...i pray everyday...

This song has made a big difference in my darkest hours. I hope it does for you what it has done for me:

YouTube - Don't Give Up, You Are Loved

[skalenfehl]

And another:

YouTube - Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up

[newlight]

While I'm certain that this is not what you want to hear I ask you to consider what I am saying for a moment..

If you want to see your relationship survive, please do not gather information to give your wife on love and forgiveness. Most likely this will seem insulting coming from you and may only reopen wounds right now. Let the Lord and her friends draw her back to those principles. You can pray for her and your relationship while continuing to grow in the Lord.

Praying for you.

I don't reject any type of advice. I have learned to open my ears and accept my faults. I just don't want to feel as if someone is judging me. Thank you for your words..I didnt realize that maybe by giving her articles on forgiveness, it might just make her even more angry. I know that this is something personal between her and the Lord and I will not interfere and yes I will keep praying and staying close to the Lord myself......Thank you

[rosie321]

Its not harsh...its reality..I know that not anyone would be able to deal with something like this..but the reason i am fighting for this relationship is because I have read many articles from prophets, apostles and church authorities that say that if you are able to work through something like this..truly forgive and forget and not let Satan in your heart and mind with resentment or hatered, that the Lord will bless the relationship even more, because we are not breaking up an family that has been sealed and can be eternal.

Aside from that, I have prayed about just getting a divorce...i had already thought that it was something that was a possibility and i personally felt that the spirit answered with rejection ..a sensation that made me feel that I must fight for her that I shouldnt give up....that was the spiritual side...

then later...as a man of this world i started thinking about what my life would be without her and my body and i started feeling sick to my stomach, i felt nauseated, anxious....two different experiences...two differnt feelings....This is why i feel i must go on...and all i am asking here on these forums are for people to share articles of love of forgiveness of eternal marriage...so that i can give to her....I can't read every publication that is out there and I'm sure people here have read things that I haven't ...thats all I am asking for.

Apologies if my above post was too harsh. I think it's important to really consider the cost and the blessing you will have recieved if things turn around.

It's great to see you want to make things work out. I am of the belief too that divorce should be avoided at all costs. Holding onto your eternal marriage is a noble aim. Hopefully all will go well with you.

But once again please let me urge caution in just giving her things to read. The temptation to do so might be strong, but I'm not sure that will be helpful. I sincerely believe that may cause more pain. She did not break such grave trusts with you. You broke them.

Perhaps you read them yourself so she can see you are serious and repenting. Your wife is hurt but maybe if she sees you reading or hears you listening to the materials she might be tempted to read or listen with you.

[newlight]

And another:

YouTube - Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up

Thank you...wife loves Josh Groban....

[rosie321]

Oops this posted after your post.

[newlight]

Oops this posted after your post.

No problem...

I've truly changed many things in my life....i now see life in a different way. In the spiritual sense. I use to be selfish and worldly...wanting nothing but material things that brought me temporal pleasure/satisfaction. Since then i have made her realize that none of this matters anymore....Im in my late 30s and I've realized that my spirituality, her and my children are what matter the most now. I provide for them and for their future and i really don't care for anything for me anymore.

A year has almost passed and I have not gone back to any of those things that brought me soo much unhappiness ..nor shall i ever go back to any of that........

[skalenfehl]

You're on the right path, my friend and it's great to see it. I can tell by your posts that you truly do "get it". The Lord will continue to guide you and your wife. All that you can do is be sensitive and understanding and time will heal all wounds with the Lord on your side. You have all eternity to keep going onward and upward. Best wishes.

[MorningStar]

Ugh. This is a sad story. She has already forgiven you for a lot and any new information is still going to hurt. It's like dropping a bomb on her. She's not going to think, "Oh, this doesn't bother me because I've had a bomb dropped on me before." This will take time and I hope you can work things out.

[MorningStar]

I don't reject any type of advice. I have learned to open my ears and accept my faults. I just don't want to feel as if someone is judging me. Thank you for your words..I didnt realize that maybe by giving her articles on forgiveness, it might just make her even more angry. I know that this is something personal between her and the Lord and I will not interfere and yes I will keep praying and staying close to the Lord myself......Thank you

Try treating it like grief, like she has suffered a death. You can't speed up the healing process - only time can heal and it will help if you are very understanding and attentive. It will help her to see you praying, reading the scriptures, going to the temple, etc. (which it seems you already do). Just keep doing those good things.

[WillowTheWhisp]

But once again please let me urge caution in just giving her things to read. The temptation to do so might be strong, but I'm not sure that will be helpful. I sincerely believe that may cause more pain. She did not break such grave trusts with you. You broke them.

I agree with Rosie. It may feel to her like you are pouring alt in the wounds if you give your wife things which talk about how she should forgive you. She needs time. There is no guarantee how long it will take for her to be able to forgive and trust you again if ever she can. You need to learn patience and perhaps in a way this time of uncertainty for you as a consequence of your previous behaviour will also be a time of learning for you. Sometimes the consequences of our actions may feel more like punishment but it may well be what we deserve. If you can work through it and remain faithful then perhaps she will understand that you are serious about your commitment to her now and the change in your attitude and lifestyle. All I can suggest is try not to be discouraged and be patient with her.

[Vanessa2]

I agree with all the above comments, especially the ones about needing time. She needs time to absorb everything you've told her. You just need to keep doing what you're doing. On that same note, it's great that you've returned to the fold of our Savior. However, nowhere in the scriptures does it say that if you've repented after you've goofed up that you'll be spared from the consquences of your actions. That's just not how it works. Unfortunately for many of us, that's part of the learning process. We may have completely repented and be doing everything right now, but that certainly doesn't mean that what we did in the past (sometimes the distant past) can't come back and bite us in the butt. I'm sure the ramifications for your actions will echo for years, honestly. Again, the only thing you can do is stay true and faithful and be there for your wife. Give her time and space.

[Hemidakota]

Some words from a BYU Fireside meeting:

According to Dr. Gourgouris, defining expectations and roles is essential for every relationship and suggests having a D.T.R. even after the wedding bells have rung. In his fireside presentation, Dr. Gourgouris defined relationship in four key areas:

Communication

Finances: Making Mutual Decisions

Spiritual Beliefs

Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical Intimacy

Few things are more critical to our happiness than fulfilling relationships. From listening, to trust, to defining realistic expectations; sometimes we just need to sharpen our skills when interacting with each other," says Dr. Gourgouris.

[StrawberryFields]

Wow, what a story.

It sounds like you have someone worth being patient with. Maybe in order for her to deal with this she needed to hear it in "parts". Maybe she needed to be able to give her entire love to you in the middle of this to hold on to for this other information.

Have you considered 'courting her'. So many times in a marriage I believe that we take each other for granted. I just adore it when my hubby does something sweet for me out of the blue. The other day when I wasn't feeling well he painted the legs of my kitchen table which I was going to do but had been so busy I had not gotten to it. I had purchased the paint, drop cloth and brush but it had sat for weeks and he had it done in just a couple of hours. Gifts of unexpected service are a great way to say I Love You.

[MaidservantX]

I will pray for you and your family. I wish to say that I support you, and am humbled that you chose to share here. God knows you and your wife individually and personally, and I believe he is close by, although he sometimes allows us to work out experiences on our own so that we WILL have the experience. Everyone has given good advice. I can only ditto.

[Misshalfway]

What a journey you have been on. I am truly sorry to you and especially to you sweetheart. Her heart sounds literally devastated. I know I would be. I have to ditto the comments of MorningStar and others. Treating her feelings like mourning.....she will most likely have to mourn the life she thought she had and the husband she thought she had too. I think that giving her the talks about forgiveness makes it seem like you are seeking your own comfort over hers. If you truly need her forgiveness to feel better....perhaps consider letting her off the hook on that one. It will come.....but only in time and you don't get to decide when that is. Get your comfort from forgiving yourself. Try to feel and empathize with what she may be feeling. Allow her the space to feel whatever it is she needs to .... even when it seems random and hard. Validate. Listen to her pain....the pain you put there. Acknowledge your responsibility and help her carry the burden that she most surely didn't choose to bare. Be honest and transparent in your activities. Her fears my strike her at any time. It helps to see that you understand the nature of what you have created inside of her.....and it helps if she can see your dedicated and consistent and careful obedience.

You sound like a humble individual. I am glad that you have fought your way thru your pride. So many blame their spouses. So many fail to take responsibility. I am so very glad to see a man stand up and face it head on! You have my respect --- and my empathy. I am sure you are leaning on the Lord. Healing can come to both of you. He won't spare you the consequences of your actions. But He will extend merciful and tender blessings to you both as you seek Him.

My heart is with both of you.