Understanding my Mom (is it even possible?)

[SweetieLaurel]

I am 16, and most certainly not a parent, but I want to understand what my mother is thinking.

Since I turned 12 my mother has wanted me to get my Patriarchal blessing. Reasonable?

Four years later and I have not received my Patriarchal blessing. My mother has politely dubbed me a "failure", "satanist", and a "Daughter of Perdition." Recently, her methods of convincing me to receive this sacred letter have become more drastic. During testimony meeting, she publicly condemned me for my choice and insisted that some measure be taken by the ward to force me back to the path of righteousness. Less reasonable?

I am trying to live by the gospel standards, to be obedient and faithful. I read my scriptures and pray. I try to surround myself with the things the lord would approve of, and do service every chance I get. Yet I do not feel ready to receive my blessing. That is almost word for word what I told my mother when indited, but she does not seem to understand, or even be willing to listen.

Isn't fasting, praying, and wanting your Patriarchal blessing part of the process? Shouldn't it be my decision, and the lords?

I have prayed. I have fasted. I have asked for the words to help me communicate with my mother. What else can I do?

I actually would like to talk to someone, to tell them the whole story. My email is posted on my account if you would like to know more.

[skalenfehl]

Wow. While I'm sure your mom means well, she is definitely misguided. I am sorry to hear that she said those things in testimony meeting and called you those things. Testimony meetings are definitely not the forum for that kind of expression (your mom's).

It sounds to me, though, like there is something else going on in your mom's life that is causing her to project it on you and unjustly. My opinion would be to listen to your heart and even talk to your bishop about it and ask for his advice on your situation. I think you're on the right track with your praying and fasting. Keep the faith and please don't be a stranger. This forum is a great place to learn and make friends.

[Flyonthewall]

I am 16, and most certainly not a parent, but I want to understand what my mother is thinking.

Since I turned 12 my mother has wanted me to get my Patriarchal blessing. Reasonable?

Four years later and I have not received my Patriarchal blessing. My mother has politely dubbed me a "failure", "satanist", and a "Daughter of Perdition." Recently, her methods of convincing me to receive this sacred letter have become more drastic. During testimony meeting, she publicly condemned me for my choice and insisted that some measure be taken by the ward to force me back to the path of righteousness. Less reasonable?

I am trying to live by the gospel standards, to be obedient and faithful. I read my scriptures and pray. I try to surround myself with the things the lord would approve of, and do service every chance I get. Yet I do not feel ready to receive my blessing. That is almost word for word what I told my mother when indited, but she does not seem to understand, or even be willing to listen.

Isn't fasting, praying, and wanting your Patriarchal blessing part of the process? Shouldn't it be my decision, and the lords?

I have prayed. I have fasted. I have asked for the words to help me communicate with my mother. What else can I do?

I actually would like to talk to someone, to tell them the whole story. My email is posted on my account if you would like to know more.

Laurel,

If your mother did use a testimony opportunity to belittle you or coerce you, that was wrong. If she calls you the names that you say she does, that is wrong also.

You seem to be on the right track, and you should not get your Patriarchal Blessing until you are ready.

I can only guess why your mother is acting the way she is. Perhaps you are not on the path that she has mapped out for your life and is desperate to get you back "on track" - I don't know.

I know what it is like to have a child not go in the direction that I have always hoped they would...it's a very helpless feeling.

Now all that being said, I know that being 16 years old, parents are the most alien. Also, drama is rampant, and things get blown out of proportion very easily.

I'm not trying to say this is the way you are, but only that I don't know both sides of the story.

I take it there is some reason why you don't feel ready for your PB, maybe you can talk to your bishop, if you haven't already.

[Iggy]

Go to your Bishop and ask him how you can get your Mother to back off. Perhaps she needs to have a meeting with him- which you have every right to suggest to him.

You could also stand up at Fast and Testimony and tell her to back off. You can do it gently by saying how precious it is to you and that it must be done in your and Gods time, not anyone else's.

[pam]

Go to your Bishop and ask him how you can get your Mother to back off. Perhaps she needs to have a meeting with him- which you have every right to suggest to him.

You could also stand up at Fast and Testimony and tell her to back off. You can do it gently by saying how precious it is to you and that it must be done in your and Gods time, not anyone else's.

Good advise. Especially the talking to the Bishop part.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I'm the mother of a 16 year old daughter who has her Patriarchal Blessing and has had it for a while. I'm also the mother of an almost 14 year old who does not yet feel that she is ready for hers. That is just to give you a perspective on where I'm coming from.

I have asked my younger daughter how she feels about getting her PB and when she said she was not ready for it yet I left it there. It's between her and the Lord. She will know when the time is right. I'd love her to get it, but it isn't my blessing and really nothing to do with me when she gets it.

I do believe that it is vitally important to approach the matter properly and not just rush into getting your PB because 'it's what everyone does'. I think we sometimes make that mistake. My daughter has a friend who was brought up in the church but has not yet been baptised, this is because she does not feel ready due to family conflict. I know it's not the same but it's similar. The idea that once you're 8 that's it you have to do this thing.

Your mother should not have used Testimony Meeting to say such things. That is not a testimony and far from uplifting, which is what Testimony Meeting should be. I am sure she must have embarrassed some Ward members by what she said, especially those who know you and to whom you are just a normal example of a 16 year old LDS girl.

Yes fasting and praying and reading your scriptures and desiring your Patriarchal Blessing are all part of preparing for it, and if having done all those things you still do not feel ready for it then I believe that is the Holy Ghost telling you 'not yet, wait, be patient'. I find it hard to understand why a mother cannot accept this.

If I were in your position I would certainly speak to the Bishop about it, tell him what you have said here and what you have done to prepare. Tell him also that despite all of this you still do not feel ready and that it isn't because you need to be forced back onto the path of righteousness by the rest of the Ward. (Unless of course there is some problem in your life which you need to talk over with the Bishop - but then it would be the Bishop who would handle that not a lynch mob of Ward members under the direction of your well-intentioned but apparently misguided mother.)

I would also be personally very tempted to bear my testimony next month if I were in your position and include in it how you have fasted and prayed about your PB and have received the answer to your prayers which is that you should wait a while yet. Don't be tempted to get up there and complain about what your mother said the last time - just bear an honest testimony of your own about the matter.

I hope this helps and that you are not discouraged by this period of trial.

[Misshalfway]

Call me crazy, but I don't think going to the bishop is really the most productive answer..... Bishops are wonderful individuals, but they have lots on their plates. Much of what we traditionally think is a bishops duty has been delegated to the Elder's Q P and the HPGL and even beyond that to the HT as directed by letters from the first presidency because with all the concerns of all the members, we are literally wearing our bishops out.

I think that this is a conversation for you and your parents. I would involve your father...if that is possible....before a leader. I would work towards more open communication. Perhaps if she doesn't seem to be listening, then you could write her a kind and honest letter outlining your feelings and actions and decisions and then ask her to respect your decision. I think that going outside to a third party or a group could potentially be embarrassing and I don't think it will help your relationship. And it is ok, if it takes time to iron the problem out. It may not be resolved, but if you are true to the spirit and yourself, all will be fine. I think you honor your parents better by taking your concerns directly to them and by trying to work together to negotiate understanding.

You sound very articulate and very in tune with yourself. I think that is a great position. Getting your PB is a very personal decision. And if you don't feel you are ready....then that is to be respected. I know many who didn't get it until later. It sounds to me like your mother has some idea in her head ... can't be sure what that is. Perhaps you could ask her lots of questions and follow-up questions to try and understand her feelings. Not to fight or argue......just to understand what might be driving her. She may need to hear herself say it before she can wake up to how it may be affecting you.

[NeuroTypical]

Hey sweetielaurel,

You could always challenge your mother to come online here and talk to us. That way we can get both sides of the story...

LM

[WillowTheWhisp]

Call me crazy, but I don't think going to the bishop is really the most productive answer..... Bishops are wonderful individuals, but they have lots on their plates. Much of what we traditionally think is a bishops duty has been delegated to the Elder's Q P and the HPGL and even beyond that to the HT as directed by letters from the first presidency because with all the concerns of all the members, we are literally wearing our bishops out.

Maybe it's because we have a relatively small Ward here and our Bishop does tend to get personally involved. If someone was aiming to get their PB they would need to be interviewed by the Bishop so it just sort of comes naturally to us to think of going to the Bishop with a related situation. But then again we don't always have the EQP and HPGL (sometimes they are both the same person!) or even home teachers. I haven't had home teachers for years, even though I don't have the priesthood in my home - they tend to just be assigned to inactive members. Maybe our poor old Bishop does get bogged down with everything!!! But then again maybe we don't have as much 'everything' in a small ward.

[Misshalfway]

Ahhh, well. I forget sometimes about those situations. While my husband was in the bishopric, the first pres sent out a letter explaining the issue. I guess I assumed that was for the church world-wide. Perhaps it was sent to the ones who needed to hear it.

Anyway, I still think that it is personal issue of communication between a daughter and a mother. I am sure if they tried to talk....and perhaps pray together, then they could come to some understanding without involving a third party. While it is good to seek counsel, I think it is important for these two beautiful women to own that responsibility.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I really feel for the poor girl. It sounds like she has tried to talk to her mother but that it has ended up with the mother calling her a "failure", "satanist", and a "Daughter of Perdition." Then she seems to have made it the whole Ward's business with the Testimony meeting.

I wonder if her mother would come here and talk to us, would that help?

[Misshalfway]

I really feel for the poor girl. It sounds like she has tried to talk to her mother but that it has ended up with the mother calling her a "failure", "satanist", and a "Daughter of Perdition." Then she seems to have made it the whole Ward's business with the Testimony meeting.

I wonder if her mother would come here and talk to us, would that help?

Of course you do! You have a heart as big as Texas!!:)

[WillowTheWhisp]

:) Sometimes I wish we lived in a larger Ward where we didn't have to double upon callings but on the other hand it's kind of nice to know everyone personally and be on first name terms with the Bishop. I suppose it gives us a different perspective on things. When he's 'bishoping' he's referred to as Bishop but the rest of the time he's just 'Derek'.

[Misshalfway]

I think I might like the intimacy of a small ward as well. Our ward and stake is so big. We are over 700 now, as are all the wards in our stake. Just waiting for the new Stake center to be completed and then we will split. But I tell you, it is easy to feel invisable and even easier to disappear. I love our bish, though! He is really amazing! And he really cares about each one.

[StrawberryFields]

SweetieLaurel,

If you are still here I would like the share something I am also a mother of older children.

I believe sometimes in the church there is a lot of competition among parents to have the perfect child, to do the things in order and in a timely manner. Could it be that she is receiving pressure from someone else for you to get this blessing now? Could it be that she knows that you are doing fine right now and making the right choices BUT there will be temptations before you and she will not always be right by your side?

I believe most of all parents want to protect their children and a PB has blessings in which you can attain if you are true and faithful. This could be something that she feels will be an additional piece of armor to protect you in the next few years.

I could be way off but I thought I would share this.

Hugs, SF

[Guest Breezy]

Ok just curious here because I'm not knowing of the procedures and practices involved in your services .......but was there no way for someone to stop or redirect what happened in front of the ward?

[Flyonthewall]

During our "fast and testimony" meeting, members of the congregation are invited up to the podium to bear their testimonies. Nobody has a censure button so whatever is said will be heard as it is said. The best the Bishop or anyone else could do is tap the speaker on the shoulder and invite them to discuss it later and take a seat.

[mightynancy]

If everything is exactly as you described it, Laurel, I wonder if your mother is entirely well.