interalia

I just read through the rest of the thread and feel better that I wasn't alone in my noticing this pattern. Being a member of the church and believing it to be true, I can accept some this stuff, but on the outside to a non-member looking in I can imagine it would give off a very strong "women as 2nd class citizens feel" as it did to me before I joined. I personally write this practice off as not doctrinal but rather cultural and something that ultimately could be changed.

I spoke with my most recent Bishop on the subject of wives (or women in general speaking first then men speaking secondly). The pattern I noticed would be: young women, young men, female, male This was so consistent that one time I was doing the bulletin and listed the young man before the young woman and the councilor actually addressed it when he stood up to introduce the speakers calling it an error in the bulletin and had the young woman speak first. I went to the Bishop in the end and asked him why this was. It seemed to me the reason the kids spoke first was because the more "mature" and "spiritual" talks were given at the end, like a big closing argument or something and so children always spoke before the adults. Using this same idea of the more spiritually mature speaking last, what does that say about women always speaking first? The Bishop told me it was just tradition and that I should talk to his wife. Later the Bishop's wife came to speak to me and she told me essentially the men "let" the women speak first out of courtesy. She then went on a tangent about how women have to do far less to get to the temple than men - maybe as a way to show to me that women weren't always getting the short end of the stick. If it is done out of courtesy, did people actually realize it? I don't know, but this used to bother me, now its just a minor annoyance.

Akindheart, I am so sorry that happened to you, and I can certainly see how the ideas presented by Dr. Laura might be particularly difficult for you. At the same time I am so happy you for two reasons, 1) that you found out this about your former husband as quickly as you did because there is a good chance if you had kept trying to keep up with his standard, you might have been a lot older before he made the same choice. In fact I feel somewhat bad for any woman he may end up with. 2) that you seem to have a wonderful husband now! As a side note because I like seeing peace and good feelings prevail: I realize you quoted ruthiechan as to one of the things that touched a nerve. I just wanted you to know that despite this, ruthiechan is a very considerate individual on these forums, and I hoped you would not think otherwise. You and I both disagree with Dr. Laura on this subject, but I hope that you will not feel any bitterness toward those who do agree with her - this is a great forum!

I'm not so sure, your assertion that men have some sort powerful (good) lust that must be pointed somewhere seems to imply that men cannot control their sexual appetites. If this is the case, how are the expected to be chaste before marriage or after divorce? Being chaste would of course include NOT looking upon a woman (or anything else for that matter) to lust after her. I feel that sometimes men get a pass on having an "oversexed" mind, but I do not feel this is natural, but rather the product of some men (and women) over their lives choosing to indulge in sexual appetites through thought and action like looking at pornography, admiring a sexually appareled woman too long, or fantasizing about sexual interactions. I believe chaste men (this includes the married ones of course who are supposed to only love their wives) are expected never to lust and to be able to control their sexual desires despite their intensity. If they cannot, then they may have a pathological addiction and need help. Our culture may indulge and even permit this idea of the sex-craved indulgent male, but I do not believe it is a real attribute of men, no more than I believe it is in a woman's genes to go shopping. It's a learned behavior.

Oh man, I watched it and it got me steamed - primarily from the implication (and perhaps I read too much into it) that if you, as a woman, do not make yourself appear the way your husband wants you to, then you will somehow drive him to look at other women or pornography. If that is what the implication is, then that is dead wrong! Men (and women I have to add) look at pornography because they have objectified the people they are looking at. They have turned them into objects of lust! I wouldn't want to be the object of my husband's LUST - it means I'm no longer human to him! I wonder if she would give the same advice to the guys who are also letting themselves go? Argh!!!

My spouse and I were reading the Word of Wisdom a few months back and were particularly struck by verses 12-15: 12 Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine. 14 All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth; 15 And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger. Both of us were inclined to be more health conscious in general (maintaining healthy weights) and were impressed to move our diet to be less meat centered. Growing up in the south, it was difficult to wrap my mind around preparing a meal whose planning didn't begin with a meat main dish. We eventually got a vegetarian cookbook and found some terrific recipes. Now we didn't altogether become vegetarians - we would not refuse meat products when offered by others, such as attending a dinner or other outing, but when we cooked in the privacy of our home, we chose to not eat meat. I love food but have always been indifferent to it - what I mean is I don't have any particular favor for a meat over a vegetable - I cook and eat both just the same. However I know for some meat is just "part of their diets" and they couldn't imagine going a single meal without it. My question is this, in this time when we have an abundance of food (relatively speaking compared to Joseph Smith's time) considering the revelation to eat meat sparingly while being additionally encouraged to eat it only when other food (grain for instance) is sparse, is it really even requisite that we eat meat anymore with so many alternatives now being available? I'm not advocating total abdication - heck I'm not advocating anything at all, just wondering what your thoughts might be. Is meat even necessary anymore, and if so, how should we handle our consumption of it so as to keep up with the Word of Wisdom?

You are right, it isn't always about sex (in fact it rarely is) - it is about identity. Having come from your shoes let me ask you the question I had to ask myself (I will modify it somewhat to represent you). 1) "Am I a gay person?" 2) "Am I a child of God?" Pursuing only the first identity will justify and validate a lifestyle of wrong choices with eternal consequences - after all you are gay right? You need to do what gay people do. It is like a person who eats too much changing their identity from being a person with an 'eating problem,' a temporary condition, to an 'overweight person,' an identity. How does it change you once you've made it part of your identity? Easy. The individual who identifies as being an 'overweight person' as their central identity cannot change and feels they have no control over their situation, because losing weight would now somehow invalidate the years of obesity and self-hatred - so they NEED to be overweight in order to justify their actions which of course causes them to continue to pursue their poor habits. Now let's look at a new way to view our identity: 2) "Am I a child of God?" If you adopt the second identity, then you know as a child of God you are infinitely capable with infinite and eternal potential. You have loving heavenly parents who want to see you through your trials and have promised to provide every means necessary to wrestle and subdue your temptations in this life. When someone challenges you, you know you are a child of God, and thus have specific responsibilities to maintain and goals to achieve. So are you gay (identity that will dictate future actions) or are you a child of God who has an SSA problem (condition that is not permanent)? Personally, I am a child of God who struggles with SSA (same sex attraction) and GID (gender identity disorder), and know I have the capacity to overcome any vice no matter how much the world tells me it is who I am and not to fight it, no matter how much medical science tells me it was the way I was born, no matter how favorably the world turns toward my situation, and no matter how much I personally struggle with it. I can promise you: this will not rise with me in the eternities, and it does get easier to handle with practice. "The way back [to God] is paved before you take the first step." - This is what the Holy Spirit told me when I asked God if I should abandon my cross-gendered lifestyle and come to the Lord. In the end this all takes faith. If the church is not true, then your struggles with SSA could be for naught, and my choice to remain my birth gender will be the death of me, but if the church IS true, and your testimony is real and you REALLY are a child of God, then no mountain is too high, no precipice too overwhelming if you will act in faith, having courage that your loving Heavenly Father will save you as you follow His plan. I love you as I love all my dear brothers and sisters who have struggled as I have. You have SO MANY voices telling you to follow your desires, your "heart," your "feelings," and they do so with the best intentions I believe, but they are not going to lead you to eternal happiness - something you have a true shot at obtaining. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss it further or obtain more details.

I will respond to this soon, right now I'm about to head out. I fit in the "gay" category of sorts and have been able to deal with it and keep my membership in the church (once I returned to the church after leaving it over this issue.) Let me say shortly that your testimony is the key to protecting yourself - I'll expound more later.

When I was going through my period of transition and adjusting into my new lifestyle, I had several friends at the time. I will contrast four different friends and let you decide which example you think is best. Friend #1 - not LDS; thought changing my sex was my choice and no one else should have a say about it, would just taking adjustments; continued to remain friends with me throughout the experience and was one of the first people to welcome me back when I returned. Friend #2 - LDS; my best friend before my transition, (converted to LDS when I converted btw), never wanted to see me again after my change; never told me I was wrong, just that it was too painful Friend #3 - LDS; hated me for my choice, decided to tell everyone we collectively knew in an attempt to discredit me and let out frustration at me, turned many people against me, got me ostracized by people who were once associates Friend #4 - LDS; thought changing my sex was a bad choice and out of harmony with the Gospel, remained my friend throughout, even went to support meetings with me, but when I sought validation, I was returned none and reminded of the church's position, which would cause me to fight with this friend occasionally. When I was making the decision to return, this was the friend I remembered the most and loved the most. Just my thoughts having been someone on the other side of the coin.

I have started looking in the places where "intelligences" are listed among my reading and in no specific place can I find the idea that intelligences existed before they were spirits. Instead, I am finding several references that seem to indicate otherwise. Such as Abraham 3: 21-22: 21 I dwell in the midst of them all; I now, therefore, have come down unto thee to declare unto thee the aworks which my hands have made, wherein my bwisdom excelleth them all, for I crule in the heavens above, and in the earth beneath, in all wisdom and prudence, over all the intelligences thine eyes have seen from the beginning; I came down in the beginning in the midst of all the intelligences thou hast seen. 22 Now the Lord had shown unto me, Abraham, the aintelligences that were organized before the world was; and among all these there were many of the bnoble and great ones; 23 And God saw these souls that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make my rulers; for he stood among those that were spirits, and he saw that they were good; and he said unto me: Abraham, thou art one of them; thou wast achosen before thou wast born. Note that as God stood amidst the intelligences "before the world was" that he said, "These I will make my rulers (referring to the intelligences), for he stood among those that were spirits." Now I assume by this God was referring to the intelligences and those with spirits as being the same things. Instead of reading it that he would make certain [dogs] rules as he stood among [cats that are not dogs]. Interesting aliasgeorge, you have caused me to question a belief, something I dearly appreciate. I am a big proponent of knowing why you believe what you believe, researching and sourcing it for yourself because otherwise what I call non-cannon scripture can enter in as has so much in the traditional Christian church. I will have to look further into the idea that I somehow got in my head that "intelligences" existed before they were formed into spirit children.

Thank you aliasgeorge for your very thoughtful post - it has caused me to really think. I don't agree with it 100% (not because I think it is wrong, but because I don't have enough information to believe it is 100% right). Your last statement makes me think - if spiritual creation is indeed mirrored after physical creation, we know that gender is determined at the moment of conception by the chromosomal passing of either an X or a Y from the male (assuming you don't get abnormal chromosome passings). If this indeed a mirror, then that means as spiritual children we were either male or female from the time we were spiritually begotten. But that is just it, our intelligences had no beginning and by definition are not spirit children of God until God adopted us. The intelligences exist and have always existed. God gathered the intelligences to perfect them - He did not make them. He spiritually begot us is my understanding (attached a spirit to our intelligence), but intelligence is something earlier in development than even spirit. So I cannot say with any certainty that our intelligence itself had a gender - however I can completely believe that when our Heavenly parents spiritually begot us, just as is mirrored in the physical world, that our gender was at least determined by that point either by them or by us. We believe that intelligences have certain specific characteristics - eternalness (they always have and will exist), the predetermined ability to grow (this is true of even animal intelligences) and agency (obviously). I don't remember gender ever being mentioned as another basic characteristic of an intelligence, though I'm not opposed to the idea. As mentioned by someone earlier, gender has been described as an eternal characteristic, but not everything appears to have a gender - some creatures seem definitively genderless and we are pretty sure that matter, either organized or unorganized is genderless. So while it might be eternal of a characteristic, it doesn't mean it is universal applied. It just means to me that the concept of gender has always existed and will always exist. Just as we believe that agency is eternal, it doesn't mean it is universally applicable. Does matter have agency for instance? I am more than willing to concede on my points believing my ideas to be conjecture at best - in my mind this whole subject is still in the category of 'unrevealed' so I don't know if we can be so definitive in our answers, but it is still an interesting thought experiment.

Ooooh thank you!! I'll try it!

With regard to brain gender - certainly there is a mechanism (yet undiscovered) that gives us our sense of identity in the brain, however our sense of identity as male or female might not necessarily be present - as there is a chance that sense is completely based on nurture. I mean, it is appealing to someone like me to belief there is a 100% biological base for an inconsistent gender identity, however I have a hard time believing it currently based on the actual research done. My own experience is not enough to convince me I was "born this way" as validating as that sounds. Back on topic, I don't believe anything in Heavenly Father's plan is arbitrary, however I do not necessarily understand things as they are or why the gender roles are defined as they are with so true little difference between the sexes - but that is for another topic. Gender, explained to be spiritual, must have a point as to why we are what we are. If we chose, it must have been for a reason that Heavenly Father approved; if it was chosen for us, we can only assume God had a plan for that too. If whatever gender we are is permanent (eternal and unchangeable), I do not know - it seems it would be based on other revelations. I still wonder if an intersexed person could have their spiritual gender identified by something like a Patriarchal blessing since that seems to be part of it. Who knows?

I got most of my ingredients from an Asian grocery store near my apartment and they did have mixes there, but I'm looking for something more authentic if possible. Speaking of, funny story last time at the Asian market. I was there to buy bean sprouts which the store sets out in a large vat in the produce section. Often the shoppers there just rummage through them, touching them all as they sift them about. Call me OCD (I'm not, but you can say I am), I don't like to touch food that I do not intend to eat. So last time I was there, I took one of the plastic bags you are supposed to put your veggies in, turned in inside out and put my hand in it like a glove. I then stuck my covered hand into the vat of beansprouts and pulled out as much as I could grab, then pulled the plastic back right-side out, thus having beansprouts in the bag with no bare fingers involved. Well I looked up to notice I had caught the attention of many of the Asian people in the market who stared at me doing this. I looked over at one guy and he was pointing at me and then back to (presumably) his wife laughing. It was awkward but kind of funny. I wonder how many of them will try my trick.

Hello all, I am in desperate need of a good curry recipe from someone who has actually made it and who might know where to find the ingredients. I'd like to make it from as many "scratch" materials as possible, but if you know of a good premade "mix" then that is alright as well. FYI, what I am looking for is something that resembles the taste of Thai green and red curry and prefer a vegetarian recipe (though I'm not opposed to meats). Thanks in advance!

LOL! If only it were that easy! But then again, if our beliefs about the pre-existence are to be believed, we REJECTED the less easy path in favor of the one with the greatest rewards.

From Joseph Smith Manual Ch 19 "While suffering greatly during his imprisonment in Liberty Jail during the winter of 1838–39, Joseph Smith wrote to members of the Church: “Beloved brethren, we say unto you, that inasmuch as God hath said that He would have a tried people, that He would purge them as gold [see Malachi 3:3], now we think that this time He has chosen His own crucible, wherein we have been tried; and we think if we get through with any degree of safety, and shall have kept the faith, that it will be a sign to this generation, altogether sufficient to leave them without excuse; and we think also, it will be a trial of our faith equal to that of Abraham, and that the ancients will not have whereof to boast over us in the day of judgment, as being called to pass through heavier afflictions; that we may hold an even weight in the balance with them.” It would appear we all will need to be tried as Abraham before we can obtain Celestial glory and I doubt I am there yet! So watch out!

Joshuadc, I looked up your posts as declanr and now I understand more why you were drawn to my thread. It would seem that your desire to believe needs to be based on logical reasoning, historical, and scientific evidence. This is perfectly reasonable!!! It will not however, in my opinion, be sufficient to have a belief in God. It doesn't mean there is enough evidence to disprove the existence of God, just that it won't be sufficient to believe God exists. Even were he to appear to you personally, it would still require faith to believe what you experienced was real, not a delusion, etc. Even worse, the rest of the world will use the same type of arguments against your vision that you use against those who claim the same. In my opinion, you cannot separate faith from belief in anything (one of the subjects of my first post). Even if you disagree with this general claim, then I imagine you would agree with this more specific one: You cannot separate faith from a belief in God. You need to have it to believe because there is no discernible rock-solid evidence (as I've yet found) - only my experiences. I believe God exists and is consistent. If He is willing to give me sufficient of an experience as I can exercise faith in Him, then He can do the same for you. I read that you have met with the missionaries. I did not join the church for a long time because I kept refuting their points and would not do the simple act they asked me to do: read the Book of Mormon and ask God if it is true. Once I did this, despite all my Biblical knowledge, anti-LDS readings and other religious readings to the contrary, I came to a strong belief that it was true because of the revelation of God to me. I'll repeat this again just for clarity's sake. You cannot separate faith from belief in God. Until you are willing to accept faith as a valid basis for belief, you will not find the answers to your questions. Thank you, and good luck to you!

Joshuadc I wrote, "But why do I believe these things? While I have had many positive experiences since having joined the church, it is my initial experiences in the end that have convinced me. I believe that after opening my heart to the idea that it could be true, and exercising faith to find out for myself if it was indeed true, that God Himself revealed to me that the church is true and that Joseph Smith was his prophet. He revealed it to me by a power I cannot completely describe, but one of such force that I am convinced totally that it was God who spoke to me, and that if I were to deny it, it would be as if denying that I am alive I am so convinced of it." and "Can I prove it to you? No. I know of myself, but my experiences were personal and very much my own, however I do believe that God is consistent and that He can reveal to you that which he has revealed to me should you seek it." If this were an empirical study then I would not have made these claims, instead I would have given you a specific process by which to achieve testable results. I have no valid scientific proof for my beliefs, as such there is no peer-reviewed journal involved, but my point of this post is that I am fully aware of this, and I want others to do a self examination and explain why it is they believe what they believe. Let me explain. In my experience, too many unknowingly deceive themselves, and do not know their own limitations on what they believe or why they do. Because of this, when the storms of life come that challenge their faith, they haven't a rock upon which to stand. I especially see this in the greater Christian community at large where their basis of belief is really, "well my pastor told me so," and when asked how they know their pastor knows, they appeal to authority - "well he has studied more than I have." This is a great way to introduce non-canon doctrine to a church, btw, but I digress. While this is not a bad basis of belief, it is not enough for me personally. Were I not convinced that, as I wrote above, "God Himself revealed it to me", there is no waaaaaay I could be a member of this church - there are too many things about it I do not understand and the sacrifice for me to be a member is substantial. Despite the fact that I believe God revealed it to me, it doesn't mean that I believe this knowledge doesn't require a measure of faith to believe. In the end, could my experience have not been what it appeared to me to be? Perhaps, but until something convinces me otherwise with as much awesome power, I will stick to this as my basis of belief. I hope I've cleared up my drivel. So what is your basis of belief? I'm sure you have one, and from the sounds of it, it is probably based on testable, empirical study, and the scientific method, but I would like to know from you.

I just read the general conference talk. What inspiring and pertinent truths! Thank you very much for sharing. I always believed in the 'Law of Compensation', though more inductively, as I had never seen it written out by a servant of the Lord. Satan tries to attack me by pointing out perceived flaws in the church (mostly stuff I still don't understand that I take very heavily on faith) and telling me that in the end it won't be true and my sacrifice will have been for nothing - just a wasted life of grief. I try not to let these thoughts take me, but it can be hard as most of the people I interact with (until this forum) are non-members who don't believe or sustain my testimony anyhow.

Seriously this is something I have very much wondered about. I have studied these conditions for years through my education and have come to no consensus concerning my faith and how these abnormally sexed individuals would be defined spiritually, and there seems to be no related discussion from church officials. I guess things like this will be worked out in the Millineum. This has particular significance to me because it is possible that birth defects made me the way I am. I'm not so in need of validation as to believe that a birth defect is 100% the reason - in fact in my own opinion I see it much like schizophrenia, a biological base with an environmental trigger. Still it is something I've always wondered about. BTW, I have known intersexed (hermaphroditic) people and people with Klinefelter's syndrome (XXY). For them (they were non-members) it wasn't too difficult for them to define themselves (they chose), but if it were me, I'd be going nuts wondering where I fit in the church's bi-gender system. Thank you very much for your experience!

"oh my gosh. i would never want to be a male. i had five brothers and that is way too much testosterone in one household. no wonder when there is polygamy its one male and more females. " I think this is a cultural/dominance thing, not that I think poly-anything relationships are healthy. I believe that there are those who would prefer a polyandrous (1 female) relationship as opposed to a polygynous (1 male) in which the idea of "too much testosterone" would not be an issue to them.

I want to give thanks to everyone here who has been so supportive. To be honest, this was not what I really expected to find, but I am overjoyed that people here seem to care enough to read about my situation and are willing to pray for me. There are many answered prayers here. Recently I've been struggling to great degree with my situation and I have been pleading with the Lord for some additional help - a shoulder to go to, someone that, even if they don't understand, won't dismiss me or tell me that my feelings aren't valid (that happens SO much). I've been getting tired of trying to bare all this on my own in this world. You are right, I do not see myself as a strong person. I feel weak all the time, like any moment I could receive a decisive blow and crack. I feel only the grace of God and my testimony supporting me. I truly know that you cannot stand on another's testimony when the really hard stuff hits. Had I been relying on someone like my bishop or even the prophet's testimony, by this point, I'd be sunk. I woke up this morning feeling very good about my future again. I felt like the Lord is watching out for me and that I can continue to work on my progression without so much of a worry about my eternal salvation. I felt for the first time in a while that I could start moving forward again knowing my house of faith isn't a house of cards. I promise not to only post on gender related items, just right now that is in the forefront of my mind. I worry that avoiding discussing it will only intensify the derision, but by being open and laying it out there, perhaps I could feel free of the weight I feel so often I carry alone. I think of the Savior and his Atonement and for some reason it is easy for me to conceive of him taking upon himself the pains wrought by loss, physical pain, death, etc because his Atonement seems so physical. It is much harder for me to see him take upon himself pain like mine: mental anguish. I know logically he must have, but I just have a hard time understanding it. I guess, due to years of... people and the harsh things they say, I often feel my struggles are not as valid as others and unworthy of the Savior's attention. I know it is dumb, but it really gets me at times. I am beginning to feel the Savior's love for me again through you all, the answer to many prayers.

I am a transgendered individual. I have feelings of incongruence between my body and my mind. My mind tells me that I am one sex, my body tells me otherwise. I have had these feelings since I was a child and they have only grown stronger and more distressing with time. This is the story of how I have dealt with those feelings and ridden what I call the gender pendulum. My story is a multi-faceted tale. It is one that in order to completely tell would take volumes. One day, I will write those volumes, but for the purpose of you getting to know why I am riding the pendulum, you need only the gist. So let me start my story at a time when my transgendered feelings were becoming unbearable, about the time I was making another huge shift in my life. I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints after studying it and other religions for about 3 years. I knew that my transgender feelings might be a barrier to me with the church, but it didn't change the fact that when I gained a testimony of the church that I believed it to be true - even if its views on my predicament were not the same as my own. The church has specific doctrine related to gender. What you are physically is what you are spiritually with no deviation. I was setting myself up for a rough ride as embracing the church doctrine would mean that I was indeed a my birth sex and that my feelings could never be acted upon, but I believed the church was true and was willing to attempt to weather it. So for the first year of my membership I continued to live as my assigned gender and dealt with my feelings of gender incongruency as best as I could. Having no intention to marry, I eventually decided I would like to try a mission and share the message I had been given. To go on a mission, I had to first pass a screen for mental health. Having kept my transgendered feelings a secret up to this point, I decided that it would be best to clear the air before my mission. I met with the church leaders and they monitored me to see if I would be stable enough to serve a mission. Unfortunately, my feelings did not subside, and instead continued to grow. Believing there would be no hope of overcoming my feelings, I abandoned the pursuit of a mission, and shortly after decided to swing the pendulum of my gender believing that I could find the happiness I always wanted if I changed my sex. With a heavy heart, I informed my local church leaders of my decision. Fortunately, they cared a great deal for me and showed me nothing but love. In the end, I received well wishes from them all with a special commitment by the stake president that if I ever needed anything, he could be called day or night. I was not disfellowshipped (disciplined by the church), but I knew that attending church during my swing would not be very popular and so I avoided it. I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and in time had the first of my surgeries and changed my name. Due to persecution from former friends and seeing the pain I caused my family, I moved to a new state and started my new life. I immediately embraced my new life role as if putting on a comfortable shoe. I lived very happily in my new gender. I had no trouble passing (convincing others I was my new sex), had a job, went to college, and even dated successfully. I was so successful at my transition I couldn't wait to finish my sex-reassignment surgery (SRS) and become fully the sex I’ve always felt I was. But that was never to be. My stake president from my former stake kept in touch with me writing me personal letters asking me how I was doing. His letters and my own conscience kept pricking my heart. Even though I had only been a member a year before I left the church, I was convinced the church was true. I believed this even though I knew the church would not support continuing my transition to the final stages. I wanted the blessings of the church in my life - specifically those involving an eternal family - something only offered in the temple. I started thinking about the fact that I wanted to marry one day (someone of my original birth sex) and have children. I wanted them to receive the temple blessings and for me to have a temple marriage to my spouse. These thoughts brought me to great sadness though, because I knew if I continued my course, I would never be able to have these things, not as either sex. I wanted to hate the church; I wanted to abandon it, but I could not fight the feeling, the overwhelming feeling, that it was true. During my conversion I had been touched by the Holy Ghost and couldn't deny it. I actually cursed myself for having such a conversion and wished I had been ignorant to what I knew was true, but I knew that if I fully rejected it, it would be because I wanted to live my life out of harmony with accepted church doctrine, and not because I didn't believe it. Despite this unhappiness with regard to my beliefs, during this time I was happier than I had ever been in my life. It was difficult to live like I was, but it was worth it. However, my feelings that I was doing something that might end in greater sadness continued to preoccupy my mind as I considered the future more and more. So one night after meeting with a poor bewildered local church bishop about my concerns and condition, I decided to take the question again to the Lord. I prayed with great fervor to know what I should do, and the answer was the one answer I didn't want to hear, that I needed to once again ride the pendulum and return to my other sex. I arose from prayer with the Lord's final promise in my heart, "The way back is paved before you take the first step." So with a heaviest of hearts I made the decision to abandon the new life I had lived for several years and looked forward to a life of uncertainty and potential misery. Going back would be at least as hard as going forward had been as the pendulum is not easy to push. I would have to repeat everything I had done the first time I pushed the pendulum. I had to give up my job, change my name, come out to my new friends, and my college. Worst of all, I would have to change my body back as best as I could and could only look forward to a life of a celibate person, because I didn't see how I could ever marry considering my past and feelings. I found myself actually hoping that by some bizarre twist of fate God would end my life as some strange act of mercy. I had no idea how I would make it - the depression was going to kill me anyway. Considering the difficulty involved in trying to transition in front of those I knew, I decided to move back to my home state to my family and old friends. There, I started reverse HRT and started the process of becoming who I once was. I also started the process to rejoin the church I was counting on to save me. I went before a disciplinary council of the church leaders. It was there that I felt the love of those around me. Even though they sat in judgment, I could feel their compassion for me. They explained to me all that I would have to do to return to the church and gave me access to advisors who would help me along my path. Taking their advice and trying to recover something resembling my former life was difficult at first - mostly because of the tremendous change wrought upon my body. At best I looked like someone who was desperately attempting not to look like their sex and at worse, something in between. Overtime, however, I regained some of my original features and even had some help in developing some more gender appropriate mannerisms. I looked different than I had before (comparing my new self to before transition), but I eventually made it. The Lord decided not to take my life as I had once hoped He would; instead I was given strength to counter my gender dysphoric feelings. They are very much still present, but more manageable, controllable and no longer consuming my life. I am in good standing in the church, have a temple recommend now, and even have a teaching calling. Sometimes it is lonely. I do feel like an outsider, someone whose experiences are probably vastly different than those of others but I get by. Most who knew me before I returned to my former life do not acknowledge my continued struggle - perhaps because it is too painful or awkward, and I don't discuss it with them for the same reasons. I realize others will never understand. My ride along the pendulum is one undertaken by so few, and even fewer ride it as I have. I am still looking for the proper balance. Sometimes I feel as if I've pushed the pendulum too far, that I am taking on too many gender-specific traits, and it causes me sorrow because I feel I am not being honest with those around me in my attempts to fit in. Some days are harder than others, with depression at times seeking to overwhelm me, but I feel as if I have the greatest ally I could possibly have. Nothing beats the hope generated when one has a sincere feeling of having done the right thing regardless of how painful it is. As I said in the beginning, my story is a long one, but this is only the gist. This is an opportunity for you to see into my world and a way for me to feel a little less alone as I continue to find my balance on the gender pendulum.

"Why do you believe what you believe?" is a question I like to ask those who profess faith or belief in anything. This is not just a question I pose to those of religious faith, but to those who believe pretty much anything. After all, how do we really know anything? While this question of whether or not we really "know" something could have volumes written about it alone, I tend to direct my question more specifically to how an individual (specifically the individual to whom I am asking the question) knows what they know or believes what they believe. I'm not looking for the "right" or "perfect" answer, merely if there is an answer at all. I'm often surprised how many never really think this through because I consider it to be an essential element to my believing anything. So why is this important to me? It is everything to me. I feel to properly confess belief in anything I must understand why I believe it. For instance, if you were to ask me why I believe the earth is round, I wouldn't tell you it was from personal experience - rather it is that I believe my textbooks and those professors of knowledge who have told me so. I believe the images I have seen of the earth from space and that they are not forgeries nor misconstrued. If you asked me if I could prove the earth was round, I would not be able to do so - merely refer you to a perceived authority on the subject and let you make the decision of whether or not you believed them yourself. So you might say that I don't really "know" the earth is round and in a sense, you are absolutely correct. I don't "know" it at all. So would you say that I believe it blindly? No, that would not be correct, because my belief is based in reason - I believe that those who believe that the earth is round are telling the truth - you could say, I have "faith" in them. Wait, how can I be talking about faith on a purely scientific subject, isn't it reserved only for religious people? Absolutely not. I have faith that the people who tell me the earth is round are telling me the truth even though I don't have the evidence myself. I have faith because I do not know of myself - I have faith because I do know with complete certainty that they are not lying to me. So with this definition of faith, I could say that I have faith in pretty much everything. I have faith that when I rise from my chair and go to my bedroom tonight, that my bed will be as I left it. Do I have proof of this? Not from my current vantage point. My bed could indeed be missing and I would have no idea. I believe my bed is still there though I cannot say with certainty. Of course the question of the bed's existence is easy (without getting too metaphysical) as I could merely stand up and check if it is still there. The point is though, when I act on knowledge I don't immediately possess, I act with faith that what I believe is true. Sometimes we can be deceived by our faith. Our faith in people, for instance, can be misplaced. Our faith in our bodies can also let us down. When your faith is proven wrong - in other words, when you found out that what you believed and were acting upon was not indeed true, what do you do about it? I find it important to reevaluate why it was that I believed what I did, that way I can potentially prevent a similar error in judgment. This is why it is so very important to know why you believe what you believe. If you do not understand a belief's origins it essentially becomes tautological - an argument that by its very nature cannot have its inverse proven (basically a belief that is unprovable and impossible to disprove). While tautological arguments are not inherently bad nor immediately untrue, they can be difficult to combat when really trying to get at the basis for a belief to determine if that belief is valid or worth having. Some base their beliefs completely upon the results of their belief. This is effective and pragmatic, but doesn't necessary make for sound arguments. For instance, "I believe that drinking is wrong, therefore I don't drink. Because I don't drink, I avoid the ills associated with drinking, therefore it validates my belief that drinking is wrong." This is pragmatic, but not necessarily true (or logical). I find that often this is enough for a person's basis in belief and many are content to leave it at that. I personally feel that I must have more and in that am generally an incredibly skeptical person. That being said, I am also an incredibly religious person. Can a skeptic be religious? I say of course. A skeptic is someone who questions something, but even a skeptic who finds enough evidence to believe something can exercise faith in it. As such, I have enough evidence to convince me that my religious beliefs are worthwhile. So to come full circle - why do I believe what I believe? Using the reasoning I described above, it can be safely assumed that anything I believe in I have a reason for that is generally faith based. Even when I experience something myself, I must still exercise some faith that what I perceived to be real was indeed as I perceived it to be. This goes for everything: from faith that my bed is where I left it, faith that my car will take me all the way to school, faith that some great discovery will not turn modern neuroscience on its head and force me to change my major, and finally even faith that my religious beliefs are valid. Because so many of the other elements of faith are very intuitive to those reading this blog, I will focus the rest of this discussion on why I believe what I believe religiously and why am I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that the man Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God, that he saw God and Jesus Christ, that they revealed to him that he should reform God's true and original church in these latter days. As such, I believe that what Joseph Smith said God told him to do, God did indeed tell him to do and it was for a wise purpose even if I do not fully understand it. I believe that the church he formed is God's true and living church upon the earth today and it will endure until Jesus Christ returns again. I believe that He, Jesus Christ is the head of this church and is guiding and directing its leaders today. I believe therefore that what the leaders of my church advise us to do is true, that it is from God directly for me to hear and that I will obey as if commanded by God Himself. But why do I believe these things? While I have had many positive experiences since having joined the church, it is my initial experiences in the end that have convinced me. I believe that after opening my heart to the idea that it could be true, and exercising faith to find out for myself if it was indeed true, that God Himself revealed to me that the church is true and that Joseph Smith was his prophet. He revealed it to me by a power I cannot completely describe, but one of such force that I am convinced totally that it was God who spoke to me, and that if I were to deny it, it would be as if denying that I am alive I am so convinced of it. I am convinced with such awesome force that this belief kept me from making many tempting mistakes and even lead me back from the brink of my own destruction despite every knowledgeable voice in the world telling me I was doomed. I will not describe the entirety of these events here in this post so as not to derail it. Suffice it to say, the experience further impressed upon me how complete my conversion was. I believe these things because I was humble, asked God, and was convinced with awesome power. Can I prove it to you? No. I know of myself, but my experiences were personal and very much my own, however I do believe that God is consistent and that He can reveal to you that which he has revealed to me should you seek it. So what is your basis of belief?