classylady

A great majority of my ancestry is from Denmark--pioneers who joined the LDS church there in Denmark and then immigrated to Utah. Welcome!

I have one other thought to share. Let's say you don't confess in this life and you keep your family together. Your wife and children love you. Don't you think she and your children will feel sorrow and deep regret that you aren't there with them in the next life? By not repenting now, it is only postponing their hurt. No matter how you look at it, they are going to be hurt and disappointed at some point. Eternal life is more than just some nebulous idea, but because it isn't something tangible that we can see, touch, or feel, doesn't make it any less of a truth. Please take care of your sins. Allow your family time to heal, and time to forgive you. I'm still praying for you.

You've gotten a lot of good advice. There isn't anything I can add, except to reiterate, don't do anything more than just give her your address, or ask for hers. Focus on getting the Melc. Priesthood, your Patriarchal Blessing, etc. July will come faster than you think. If you phone the Mission President and advise him of your feelings, she most likely will be transferred. On my mission, when an Elder cared for me more than was appropriate, I was transferred within the week. I'd already been in the area for 6 months, and the Elder was new to the city. I hope all goes well for you. Continue strengthening your testimony.

Thank you, Slamjet. I am trying to focus on the positive, and focus on my self-esteem. My self-esteem was damaged with the past, and I guess it needs some repairing. I'm also trying to help my husband with his self-esteem too. His was damaged because of his first wife's affairs. I want my actions with my husband to uplift him, and make sure he's secure in our relationship. You would think that 30 years of marriage would be enough for anyone to feel secure--for either husband or wife. And I wonder if our experience is unique to just my husband and me? Maybe other husbands/wives have had the same issue when they've been married more than once. Perhaps the memory of having sex for the first time will always stand out, just because it is the first time. It may have nothing to do whatsoever with the person it involved. And maybe that is where my hangup is. I've focused too much on the who rather than the what. But, I don't know. For me as a woman, it's almost impossible to separate the two.

Daenvgiell, this is a hard one. I don't know if you're just burned out from completing your undergraduate degree, and only need a short break before continuing on, or if you truly feel the field you are currently studying is not the direction you want to go. On your profile it says you're from Australia, so I don't know how the education system works over there. Is it possible to be readmitted if you take a semester off? Is it possible to change your field of study? Look at your options, and do some hard thinking.

Wow, Anatess! I'm impressed! How come I can't remember any of this from my college Trig, Calculus, or Physics? Probably because I don't want to remember! Thank heavens I finished my math courses.

There is no describing the grief that is felt with the loss of a child. After my daughter was killed in a car accident, I certainly didn't want anyone saying "I know how you feel". Unless you've been there, no, you don't know. But, a sincere "I'm so sorry". "I love you". Even, "I don't know what to do?" is okay. My daughters friends made a scrapbook of pictures and memories of her. Plus, neighbors made copies of any photos they had of her and gave them to us. These were all so appreciated. And I know this may be what everyone expects of Relief Society, but I truly did appreciate the meals that were brought in. I wasn't functioning as a mother/cook/housekeeper. Plus, we were so busy getting the funeral arrangements, consoling everyone else, that there was no time to clean, cook, etc. It was a friend of the family that wrote up the obituary. Another dear neighbor woman took my youngest daughter to buy and choose the clothing to bury my older daughter in. So many people contributed money to help with the funeral costs. Even though my husband's work had insurance coverage for the children in case of death, it was not enough to cover everything. Plus, if I remember correctly, we didn't get the insurance check until after the funeral. The monetary assistance was so appreciated. I don't know what we would have done without it. I still have all the sympathy cards that were sent to us. If you choose to send a card, just write a sincere, short note, expressing your love and sorrow. Some of the notes that were sent were simple like, "We're so sorry to hear of your loss. We pray for your comfort and healing". "If you need anything, anytime, day or night, please call on us. We're here for you. We can watch the baby anytime..." "I remember Shelly's sweet smile. I'll miss her so. I love you. I pray for you". "Our thoughts and prayers are with you all. We love you and appreciate being your neighbors". I can't think of any poems right now. But, truthfully, some of the poems that I did receive just made me sob. I wasn't quite ready for some of them. One of the ones I do remember was about our loved one with Jesus at Christmas time. It was beautiful, but it just made me cry. The best thing you can do is just tell your friend that you're sorry, and that you love her.

Dfavors15, of course you should care what her parents think. If you and your girlfriend get married, then you will have a relationship with her parents the rest of your lives. You need to have a good relationship with them. The best way to have her parents accept you, is to show them that you love their daughter and you treat their daughter right. They will see that and, I believe, come to accept you. The two of you are young. I don't believe you have to tell her parents everything that has happened. But, when the news is broken to the parents, it might be a good idea to show them that you have a plan in mind...with goals set, etc. So, make sure you have sat down with your girlfriend and have set realistic goals that are attainable. If you plan on attending school, let the parents know what your goals are to accomplish this. One of the leading causes of divorce is financial problems, so it's a good idea to know how you're going to support a family. If the two of you are committed to each other, you can make your marriage work.

I've never had this problem before with my laundry. But for the past year or so my husband's underclothes now have yellow stains in the arm pits. I don't think I've changed the type of fabric I buy for him. I buy a cotton blend for him. I never had any problems with my own underclothes until I switched from Drisilq to a cotton. So, I can see that for me, it's probably switching to a new fabric. I've googled this, and most everything I read says it's a deodorant/anti-perspirant problem--and switch to one that has a lower aluminum concentration. All the remedies I read seem so time consuming--make a paste, rub it in, let it set over night etc. etc. etc. I can see doing that for maybe one or two items of clothing, but when I have a whole load of whites to wash, it just doesn't seem practical. And I would have to do that week after week. I've purchased Oxi Clean Max Force Power Paks. They may help brighten the clothes a little, but hasn't taken care of the stains under the arms. I've wondered if it's because there no longer are phosphates in the detergent? Anyone else having this issue? What do you do?

Hope all goes well, Eternalpromise. If there was a "like" button, I would have clicked that on your post. I'll pray for you.

For me, I guess I just haven't let it be a priority. I've had some curiosity about the Apocrypha, and have thumbed through it, but that's about it. I had a hard enough time with just reading the Old Testament from start to finish. I did it, but I can't say I understood it all. My reading focuses on the Book of Mormon. I'll read the other Standard Works too, but I always go back to the Book of Mormon. I don't consider myself a scriptorian. I read to help sustain my testimony. And I know that when I read the Book of Mormon my testimony is reaffirmed, over and over.

I'm just wondering if pride is a factor here in not confessing. If you confess, then everyone seems to find out about it, and not only is your family hurt, but your reputation at church and in the community is damaged also. It's very hard to humble ourselves and admit we've made a mistake. If I was in this situation, my biggest difficulty would be the embarrassment, because I care about what others think of me. I would hate everyone knowing that I cheated on my spouse. I have a much easier time forgiving others than I do myself. You need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Just remember, "...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18 This is why we have the atonement. The Lord wants you to accept the atonement he made for YOU. He loves YOU. YOU are his younger brother. He is YOUR elder brother. Again, I repeat, He loves YOU. Even, if your life comes crashing down around you, and maybe even your families, just remember this. He loves YOU. And the reason I capitalize YOU, it's because we often feel like the atonement is for everyone else but ourselves. We might believe in the atonement, but when it comes to ourselves, it's hard to internalize it--that it's for ME too. I once made a mistake in my life where I felt "How can the Lord still love me? With all my knowledge and testimony, how could I have disappointed the Lord like this?" After many years of tears, praying, and asking for forgiveness, I received a definite answer to my prayers one night. "He's only disappointed if you don't repent". I felt such relief, and such a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. I had gone through the repentance process. I had repented. I just hadn't allowed the atonement to apply in MY life. I was so harsh on myself. Anyone else with the same problem, I would have forgiven immediately--but not myself. Repent, and feel the Savior's love for you. It will bring such sweet peace. Continue to love your wife. Express sorrow to her. Ask her for forgiveness. Express sorrow to your children. Ask for their forgiveness. It is then up to them to forgive you. They may not be able to do it at first. It may be a process that may take some time. It may be that you end up divorced. But, when one door closes, another one will open. It won't be the end of your life. You will still have sweet, wonderful events happen in your life. You are a son of our Father in Heaven. He sent you to this earth, knowing you would make mistakes. Accept the Lord's atonement for you. I'll pray for you.

Thank you Anatess. I agree, this is not a contest. And it definitely is not a game. I've got 30 years of marriage under my belt, and I'm proud of that. We've had laughs, tragedy, financial stress, good times, and bad times--ups and downs, highs and lows. Marriage is about commitment. We are committed to making our marriage work. And spouses are not perfect. I'm not perfect, and neither is my husband. We each have our own idiosyncrasies that the other deals with. When you're committed, you work on the problems and try to solve them. Some issues simply cannot be resolved, but you work around them, and then simply move on with your lives. And in this case, that is what is going to happen. I will move on. But it doesn't necessarily take away the hurt that I've felt. I absolutely agree and understand that his memory is not a barometer of his love for me. But, because of this knowledge of his memory loss with me, it has resurrected all the old insecurities I've had in our relationship. And it comes down to some of his earlier actions. He had a date with her after we were married, he asked me if she could move in with us if she needed too, etc., etc., etc. I did not go into all the details of what has happened. My husband now says, that these actions of his were wrong, and he's sorry I was hurt. And if I was totally secure in his love for me, his memory loss of our first time together, etc. wouldn't matter at all. And is it so wrong of me to want to feel special in his life? Because, that is what it comes down to. I don't feel special in his life. I know he loves me, and I'm not asking that he love me more than his ex. (But, that would be sweet if he did). I just need to know that I'm at least up there on the same level.

My own perspective is that the sisters already know they should be doing their visiting teaching. I would focus more on the "why" we visit teach, and the benefits of visiting teaching. I don't know if you have any personal, positive examples you can relate in your talk. My best friends in my ward are either my visiting teachers, past visiting teachers, or partners I've been paired with in visiting teaching. I think women bond with each other over the course of months of visiting each other, even when nothing significant or traumatic has happened.

I really appreciate all the comments! It's so interesting to see the difference in the men's and women's perspective. Everything posted has been helpful. Plus, almost every single thing that the women have posted about their marriages, and being the second wife, has happened to me over the course of my marriage--my husband has driven past their old homes, pointed out the motel where they honeymooned, wanted to take me on a romantic trip to New Orleans, where he once took his ex, etc Plus, early in my marriage I felt my in-laws cared for the first wife more than they did me, but I know differently now. I understand how it feels, because I've been-there-done-that. But, I have a perspective that 30 years of marriage has brought. It gets better. Now, that the step children are grown and no longer living in our home, there is very little interaction with the former spouse. But, like I mentioned in my OP, I think I subconsciously thought that she wouldn't be a part of our lives at all at this stage, except for the occasional baby blessing of grandchildren, etc. That bubble was burst, and it was hard to acknowledge to myself that she would always be a part of our lives. And to answer a few of the questions, yes the knowledge that was gained about my husband's first sexual experience with his ex compared to our first experience has come over the course of a number of conversations--the conversations just happened to flow in those directions. I appreciate my husband's honesty. I would rather have him be honest than to lie to protect my feelings. My husbands forgetfulness of our proposal, our first sexual experience, and our temple veil experience, wouldn't bother me, because I know memory can go, except for the fact that he remembers those with his first wife--and those with her were even further in the past. And this is where I know I shouldn't compare, but I ask myself, why were those memories more significant to him with her than they were with me? My husband tries to reassure me. He tells me I'm not any less significant or memorable. But, I guess I go from my own experience, and for me, most of the things that stand out in my memory, are memories that had special significance in my life. Maybe men just don't think that way. I don't know.

I don't know how to quote yet from other posts, but Jayanna, thank you for your post. I understand completely about the genealogy thing in the Bible, because something similar has happened with us. It hurts to see only the first wife's name mentioned on the genealogy records. Hopefully, things will improve with your step-son and you. Just continue loving him. I was blessed that my step children were so young when my husband and I married. I raised them and love them like my own. And I know they love me back. They also love their mother, and that's the way it should be. My step kids are active in the church, and both have served missions. My step son is married, and his wife is expecting their fifth child. My step daughter hasn't married and lives in Asia. Her parents divorce seems to have affected her more than her brother, and I believe she is afraid to commit or even get involved with anyone. Because I love my step children as my own, their sorrows are also my sorrows. Their joys are also my joys. I fully believe that because of the sealing covenant, their mother will someday hear the whisperings of the spirit and will return to the gospel. I will rejoice with my step children when that happens, because I know how much they want this. They love her so much and are so worried for her. I don't worry any more about her being sealed to my husband. My husband has let me know that he has no desire to be with her in the eternities. We've been taught that we will not be forced to spend eternity with someone we don't want to be with. I know the adversary has been working on me. Wouldn't he love to destroy another family? I'm determined not to let that happen. That's why it's been so important to me to work on the issues my husband and I are having. That's why my husband and I have got to talk about this. I've done a lot of self-instrospection lately, and I basically think what it all boils down to, is insecurity. If I was totally secure in my husbands love for me, then the memory thing wouldn't matter. That's why the actions of my husband early in our marriage has got to be discussed, and we need to come to grips with it. If I learn that he still has feelings for his ex, then like Slamjet says, it will either break us up, or if we can get beyond it, bring us closer.

I would suppose that the right of privacy is the big issue. If I was involved with a disciplinary action I certainly wouldn't want that information given out to anyone.

I'm really embarrassed about this OP now. I sound like such a cry baby (which I hate). I'm usually a positive person. Sometimes, just writing down how we are feeling helps put things into perspective. And now that I've reread it, I realized just how much I've been focusing on the negative aspects of my marriage and not the positive. Several months ago, after one of our deep discussions about our relationship, my husband asked me if he "ever did anything right"? Of course I told him he did. And he thought it might be a good idea if I typed up a list of the positive things in our marriage. I told him I would. Well, I put it off and forgot about it. After rereading my OP today, and talking to my husband about my post, I decided to start my list. I'm already on my second page of positives! One of the positives in our marriage is our communication. We are very best friends, so we confide everything to each other. Anyway, I think that's mostly a positive, but, because of the openness of our confidences, that's how I've learned about the things that have hurt me. I know we'll get through this. We've gotten through all of our past problems, and we'll weather this too. One of the positives of this experience, is because of our in-depth talks, I'm much more secure in the love my husband has for me. The heartache is still here, but I know I can overcome this.

Thank you MorningStar. You bring up some good points. And you too, Dravin. I know I shouldn't compare, and I've tried hard not too. It's just that because I know certain facts about their relationship, it's hard to ignore what has happened with ours. And as to the proposal/ring situation, I knew my husband had some financial stresses at the time, but I thought he would come through--even up until the wedding ceremony. He had recently purchased a bed and a TV, so finances were tight and we only had a two week engagement. As for discussing appropriate boundaries with his ex, we've done this. It should have been discussed when we were first married, not 30 years later. My husband says he wishes we would have had these discussions earlier, because then some of the things he did with his ex, early in our marriage, wouldn't have occurred.

I found out over a year ago that my husband doesn't remember the first time we made love, but he remembers that experience with his ex-wife. This has absolutely devastated me. I thought that by now, more than a year later, I'd be over this, and able to put this behind me. But, I can't get over the hurt. We've been married nearly 30 years and have of course gone through our trials, but we've always been able to overcome everything that has come our way. My husband feels bad, and tries to reassure me that I'm number one in his life. This has resurrected issues that I thought we had gotten beyond, and it has brought up a lot of insecurities I've had in our relationship that I thought were no longer there. I've had to take off my wedding ring because of the hurt I feel whenever I see it. A little history here, so you know where I'm coming from--and I'm sorry this will take up so much space. My husband was divorced when we met, and he had custody of his two small children--ages 2 and 4. He divorced his ex after she had had several affairs. I fell in love with his children and him. We had some issues after we were first married because I felt like he still had feelings for his ex-wife, that I was second choice, and couldn't measure up to her, etc. Some of the things that bothered me were: he didn't buy me an engagement/wedding ring, but he had gotten one for her; shortly after we were married he and his ex went out secretly to dinner (I presume to discuss the kids); at one time when she came over to pick up the kids for visitation, and I wasn't home, he allowed her to follow him into our bedroom; my husband and ex were still sharing confidences with each other after we were married; he asked me if she could move in with us if she ever needed to; he called me by her name on occasion; we ended up taking care of his ex's third child when she divorced her 2nd husband and she couldn't handle the child for awhile (we fell in love with this child, and would have adopted her if she would have let us); while he was working at the University, and she attended school there, he gave her rides home. There were a lot of other things that happened, that made me feel insecure about our relationship, but this gives you an idea. Of course, this didn't all happen at once. This was over the course of several years. And to give my husband credit, he simply didn't know how to handle an ex-wife--the woman who was the mother to his two oldest children, the woman he had at one time promised to be with for eternity, etc. Because of the children, he wasn't sure where to draw the line. His ex was experiencing depression, and what was happening in her life, invariably affected the children. All this was hard on me. But, we got through this. We had five children together, so with his two from his first marriage, we raised seven children. And I love my step children as my own. My husband knew I was upset about the things that happened with his ex-wife after we were first married, and we discussed them somewhat. We should have really discussed them in depth, so my husband would have truly understood the extent of my hurt, and gotten to the core of what was also happening with him. But neither my husband nor I like confrontation, so these issues got buried. And some years later, I also found out that my husband didn't remember his marriage proposal to me, but he remembered his proposal to his ex. And one that really hurts, is, he forgot our experience of taking me through the veil at the temple, but he remembered the experience with his ex (those of you who've been sealed, will know what I'm talking about here, and what a wife tells her husband at the veil). I thought I had forgiven my husband for the things that happened. We did buy me a wedding ring after we'd been married for about 10 years. I loved that ring. Now fast forward about 20 years. I had a fantasy in my head that with the step children grown, and living on their own and leading their own lives, that my husband's ex would no longer be a part of our lives except for weddings, baptisms, graduations, etc. And then nearly two years ago, his ex asks to be friends on face book with my husband, me, his siblings, his parents, all of our children--not just hers, etc. I admit I was upset, and I let my husband know how I felt. My husband wasn't on face book much, and he just let it slide. About four months after that, his ex showed up at a quilting bee my husband's side of the family was having for our youngest daughter who was getting married. (This is not her daughter). Everyone was quietly saying to me "why is she here?" I think she came because her/my oldest daughter (my step daughter), was there, and because my step daughter lives out of the country, we don't see her very often. I can understand wanting to be with your daughter, when you don't get to see very much of her. But, to me, this just wasn't appropriate. After I got home from the quilting bee, I pretty much lost it. I told my husband how I felt--how upset I was. You have to understand that I am usually under control with my emotions. I'm usually a pretty calm person, and I'm known as the strong one. People come to me for help and advice. Anyway, I was crying, and I couldn't stop. This scared my husband because he has never seen me like this before. (When our 2nd daughter was killed in a car accident several years before this, I didn't cry at first, I was in such shock, plus I had to be strong for the rest of the children). This crying episode scared my husband so much, that the next day he didn't even go into work. And I admit, it scared me too. I've never lost control like this before. I think, what I was realizing, is that his ex will always be a part of our lives. There will never be a time when she is completely out of the picture. We started talking after this--really delving into our relationship. We discussed things like--why didn't he buy me an engagement/wedding ring when we first got married. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't get a ring until after we'd been married about 10 years. Now he tells me, he feels like he has never really gotten me a ring. This ring that I loved, he feels like I bought for myself. It isn't one, he feels that he got for me. (Even though we were both there when we got the ring). That hurt my feelings. And during the course of our conversations, I asked him why he didn't delete his ex-wife from face book when he knew how upset I was about it. After that he did delete her, and he sent emails to the rest of the family to please be mindful of his privacy when they're on face book, etc. And also during one of our conversations, when we were discussing our sex life, (which has had it's ups and downs, but overall has been pretty amazing), I had a question about our first time together. And he doesn't remember the experience at all. Because we have had some pretty in depth conversations, I knew he still remembered his first experience with his ex-wife. Now, you have to understand, that I was a virgin, so of course our first time of making love was significant to me. I just can't understand how he can totally forget this. I am so hurt! This has completely devastated me. I feel like his first wife has so much more significance in his life than I ever have. Combined with him forgetting our proposal, our temple sealing (veil experience), and now knowing he has no memory of our first sexual experience together, but he remembers all of those things with his first wife, I feel so hurt and totally heart broken. I had to take my wedding ring off, because every time I saw it, it reminded me that he feels like he has never gotten me a ring, which would remind me that he didn't get me a ring when we first got married, and then that would remind me that he doesn't remember our first love making experience together, but he remembers it with his ex-wife. And I would just get extremely sad, and would often start crying. I try not to let my husband see how often I cry about this, but he's seen the red eyes even though I've tried to hide it. We are trying to overcome these issues and insecurities. We are reading together the book "The Five Love Languages". My husband is trying to get his sealing to his first wife cancelled. I think he feels that that will prove to me that he loves me more than his ex-wife. I don't have much hope of the sealing being cancelled. He tried to have it cancelled when we first got sealed in the temple, more than 29 years ago--but the answer he got from the First Presidency was "that it isn't necessary". I understand that because she's been excommunicated that her temple blessings have been revoked. The only things that are different this time, from when he originally requested to have his temple sealing to her cancelled, is that she has asked to have her name removed from the rolls of the church, and she is now married. Do you think there's any hope for me to overcome this? I want to have joy in my marriage. I just feel hurt. I've prayed, and prayed. Peace has not come. This, to me, is grief. And maybe time will heal these wounds. But, in the meantime I still feel heart broken. I've tried to put this at the altar of the Lord, for I know he understands my pain. And I also know that to some people, this seems so insignificant to grieve over. It isn't like he's been unfaithful to me. But it isn't insignificant to me. This is almost more than I can bear. I know what grief is, and this is it. I welcome any help. Thank you.

Congratulations, Jason!

I have a love/hate relationship with face book. I love that I can keep in contact with friends, family, and even old acquaintances from high school etc. I'm not much of a phone person, so if I wasn't on face book I would have very little interaction with my children who live away from home. That's the love part I have for face book. What I don't like about face book is the lack of privacy that comes when your family becomes friends with someone you would rather not have in your life. My husband's ex-wife wanted to be friends with him, me, our children, my husband's siblings, husband's parents, etc. I'm a private person, and I don't particularly want his ex-wife knowing the things that are going on in our lives. It really hurt me when my husband accepted her friend request. After my husband and I talked about it, he deleted her as a friend, and he sent emails out to all his family members to please be mindful of his privacy when they posted anything on face book.

If I personally was the wife, I would want to know. If I found out years after the fact, I would feel like I'd been living a lie. There's going to be anger, hurt, feelings of betrayal, etc. no matter when you confess. Do you want the children to be angry with you as adults, for they will be upset with you. Children seem to be more resilient than we give them credit for, and I believe over time they will learn to forgive you. My husband left his first wife after she had several affairs. She did not want the divorce, and wanted to live with an open marriage. That wasn't acceptable to my husband and he felt that wasn't the best atmosphere for their two young children to live with. She wanted to party at that time in her life, which isn't conducive to raising children, and my husband got custody of their children. That was over 25 years ago. My step-children love their mother, and they've forgiven her. They've had time over the years to come to grips with what happened. And I believe it's a lot easier on younger children than teenagers to have such a traumatic event like divorce happen. Even if your wife forgives you and doesn't leave, she is going to have issues to deal with. No matter what happens it's going to be hard on her, because let's face it--you betrayed her. What you did is wrong. You need to confess and rid yourself of this sin. How can you live with yourself with a clear conscience knowing what you did? You would be miserable knowing you are hiding this sin from your wife, and knowing you aren't clean before the Lord. You will feel so much better after confession, because it's the right thing to do--even if the consequences are hard.

I agree with Applepansy, don't sell yourself short or a potential spouse. I have a cousin, when she divorced, she had custody of her children plus an older sister with down syndrome. She met a wonderful man and they've been happily married now for 9 years now. Together they've met the challenges life brings. If you meet a man who isn't willing to deal with the challenges you face, he isn't someone I'd want to marry anyway--just sayin'. Bless you for being willing to care for your brother.

What about the promise to parents whose children that are sealed to them, will someday hear the whisperings of the Spirit and will repent and return. I've come to understand that it may be in the next life, not necessarily this life that they will return.