classylady

Congratulations on your wedding. Hopefully you can exchange the duplicate items for something else. I think WalMart is pretty good about accepting items without a receipt--they just need to carry the product though. I've heard that Target's return policy isn't the greatest. Bed, Bath & Beyond might be an option.

My mother insists that because her patriarchal blessings says that she'll "be changed in a twinkling of an eye", that she is going to live to see the second coming of the Savior. That isn't my interpretation, but she is so insistent. Anyone have any thoughts of what "changed in a twinkling of an eye" means?

One of my old boyfriends used to tell me he loved me, I thought way too much. And I felt smothered. Years later I found out that he has bi-polar issues that he wasn't aware of at the time we were dating. So maybe he meant it at the time, but it was too much for me. I thought I loved him too, but because of feeling so overwhelmed with his love, and I don't mean the physical, I ended the relationship. His love almost scared me. After my daughter died in a car accident, our family is much more verbal in our show of affection. Also, there are a lot more hugs. Whenever anyone goes out the door, we always tell each other "I love you". And we mean it. I didn't get the chance to tell my daughter "Good-bye, I love you" before she left on her trip when the accident happened. And eight years later I still regret it. Silly of me, I know. I was working. But still, the regret is there.

I'm praying that the missionaries that haven't been accounted for yet are safe and unharmed!

My son and daughter-in-law are vacationing in Kauai. They're on a tsunami alert. They were in Hawaii last year too, when there was the tsunami warning. They said they feel like they're experiencing de-ja-vu.

Besides the knowledge we have that we all need a physical body and will be tested, there are three scriptures that come to my mind: (1) "...men are, that they might have joy" 2Nephi: 25. (2)"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil;...wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil;..." Moroni 7:16,17. (3) "And now behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you, do not suppose that this is all; for after ye have done all these things, if ye turn away the needy, and the naked, and visit not the sick and afflicted, and impart of your substance, if ye have, to those who stand in need--I say unto you, if ye do not any of these things, behold, your prayer is vain, and availeth you nothing, and ye are as hypocrites who do deny the faith. Therefore, if ye do not remember to be charitable, ye are as dross, which the refiners do cast out,..." Alma 34:28,29. I can't really give these scriptures justice, but the way I understand it, we've all come to earth to receive bodies and have joy. We've all been given the Light of Christ, so we know good from evil. And then we will be judged on whether if we listen to the Light of Christ, which I believe is our conscience. And then how do we behave towards our fellow man--do we have charity? So, depending upon the light and knowledge that we have, it also, to me, boils down to, are we giving, loving, and kind to those we come into contact with--our children, spouse, siblings, parents, neighbors, co-workers, strangers, those we esteem as enemies, etc. Do we have charity towards them--the pure love of Christ? I have to ask myself, with all the knowledge and testimony that I have, will it avail me anything if I don't have charity? If I receive all the ordinances the Lord wishes me to have--baptism, sealing, etc., how much good will it do me if I don't have charity? If I pray, obey the Word of Wisdom, pay my tithing, fulfill my church callings, attend the temple, etc., how much good will it do me if I don't have charity? So, if a person is born on the earth without the knowledge of the gospel, and wasn't able to receive the saving ordinances, I believe they will be judged according to the light and knowledge that they did receive, and then...how did they treat their fellow man--did they have charity.

A great majority of my ancestry is from Denmark--pioneers who joined the LDS church there in Denmark and then immigrated to Utah. Welcome!

I have one other thought to share. Let's say you don't confess in this life and you keep your family together. Your wife and children love you. Don't you think she and your children will feel sorrow and deep regret that you aren't there with them in the next life? By not repenting now, it is only postponing their hurt. No matter how you look at it, they are going to be hurt and disappointed at some point. Eternal life is more than just some nebulous idea, but because it isn't something tangible that we can see, touch, or feel, doesn't make it any less of a truth. Please take care of your sins. Allow your family time to heal, and time to forgive you. I'm still praying for you.

You've gotten a lot of good advice. There isn't anything I can add, except to reiterate, don't do anything more than just give her your address, or ask for hers. Focus on getting the Melc. Priesthood, your Patriarchal Blessing, etc. July will come faster than you think. If you phone the Mission President and advise him of your feelings, she most likely will be transferred. On my mission, when an Elder cared for me more than was appropriate, I was transferred within the week. I'd already been in the area for 6 months, and the Elder was new to the city. I hope all goes well for you. Continue strengthening your testimony.

Thank you, Slamjet. I am trying to focus on the positive, and focus on my self-esteem. My self-esteem was damaged with the past, and I guess it needs some repairing. I'm also trying to help my husband with his self-esteem too. His was damaged because of his first wife's affairs. I want my actions with my husband to uplift him, and make sure he's secure in our relationship. You would think that 30 years of marriage would be enough for anyone to feel secure--for either husband or wife. And I wonder if our experience is unique to just my husband and me? Maybe other husbands/wives have had the same issue when they've been married more than once. Perhaps the memory of having sex for the first time will always stand out, just because it is the first time. It may have nothing to do whatsoever with the person it involved. And maybe that is where my hangup is. I've focused too much on the who rather than the what. But, I don't know. For me as a woman, it's almost impossible to separate the two.

Daenvgiell, this is a hard one. I don't know if you're just burned out from completing your undergraduate degree, and only need a short break before continuing on, or if you truly feel the field you are currently studying is not the direction you want to go. On your profile it says you're from Australia, so I don't know how the education system works over there. Is it possible to be readmitted if you take a semester off? Is it possible to change your field of study? Look at your options, and do some hard thinking.

Wow, Anatess! I'm impressed! How come I can't remember any of this from my college Trig, Calculus, or Physics? Probably because I don't want to remember! Thank heavens I finished my math courses.

There is no describing the grief that is felt with the loss of a child. After my daughter was killed in a car accident, I certainly didn't want anyone saying "I know how you feel". Unless you've been there, no, you don't know. But, a sincere "I'm so sorry". "I love you". Even, "I don't know what to do?" is okay. My daughters friends made a scrapbook of pictures and memories of her. Plus, neighbors made copies of any photos they had of her and gave them to us. These were all so appreciated. And I know this may be what everyone expects of Relief Society, but I truly did appreciate the meals that were brought in. I wasn't functioning as a mother/cook/housekeeper. Plus, we were so busy getting the funeral arrangements, consoling everyone else, that there was no time to clean, cook, etc. It was a friend of the family that wrote up the obituary. Another dear neighbor woman took my youngest daughter to buy and choose the clothing to bury my older daughter in. So many people contributed money to help with the funeral costs. Even though my husband's work had insurance coverage for the children in case of death, it was not enough to cover everything. Plus, if I remember correctly, we didn't get the insurance check until after the funeral. The monetary assistance was so appreciated. I don't know what we would have done without it. I still have all the sympathy cards that were sent to us. If you choose to send a card, just write a sincere, short note, expressing your love and sorrow. Some of the notes that were sent were simple like, "We're so sorry to hear of your loss. We pray for your comfort and healing". "If you need anything, anytime, day or night, please call on us. We're here for you. We can watch the baby anytime..." "I remember Shelly's sweet smile. I'll miss her so. I love you. I pray for you". "Our thoughts and prayers are with you all. We love you and appreciate being your neighbors". I can't think of any poems right now. But, truthfully, some of the poems that I did receive just made me sob. I wasn't quite ready for some of them. One of the ones I do remember was about our loved one with Jesus at Christmas time. It was beautiful, but it just made me cry. The best thing you can do is just tell your friend that you're sorry, and that you love her.

Dfavors15, of course you should care what her parents think. If you and your girlfriend get married, then you will have a relationship with her parents the rest of your lives. You need to have a good relationship with them. The best way to have her parents accept you, is to show them that you love their daughter and you treat their daughter right. They will see that and, I believe, come to accept you. The two of you are young. I don't believe you have to tell her parents everything that has happened. But, when the news is broken to the parents, it might be a good idea to show them that you have a plan in mind...with goals set, etc. So, make sure you have sat down with your girlfriend and have set realistic goals that are attainable. If you plan on attending school, let the parents know what your goals are to accomplish this. One of the leading causes of divorce is financial problems, so it's a good idea to know how you're going to support a family. If the two of you are committed to each other, you can make your marriage work.

I've never had this problem before with my laundry. But for the past year or so my husband's underclothes now have yellow stains in the arm pits. I don't think I've changed the type of fabric I buy for him. I buy a cotton blend for him. I never had any problems with my own underclothes until I switched from Drisilq to a cotton. So, I can see that for me, it's probably switching to a new fabric. I've googled this, and most everything I read says it's a deodorant/anti-perspirant problem--and switch to one that has a lower aluminum concentration. All the remedies I read seem so time consuming--make a paste, rub it in, let it set over night etc. etc. etc. I can see doing that for maybe one or two items of clothing, but when I have a whole load of whites to wash, it just doesn't seem practical. And I would have to do that week after week. I've purchased Oxi Clean Max Force Power Paks. They may help brighten the clothes a little, but hasn't taken care of the stains under the arms. I've wondered if it's because there no longer are phosphates in the detergent? Anyone else having this issue? What do you do?

Hope all goes well, Eternalpromise. If there was a "like" button, I would have clicked that on your post. I'll pray for you.

For me, I guess I just haven't let it be a priority. I've had some curiosity about the Apocrypha, and have thumbed through it, but that's about it. I had a hard enough time with just reading the Old Testament from start to finish. I did it, but I can't say I understood it all. My reading focuses on the Book of Mormon. I'll read the other Standard Works too, but I always go back to the Book of Mormon. I don't consider myself a scriptorian. I read to help sustain my testimony. And I know that when I read the Book of Mormon my testimony is reaffirmed, over and over.

I'm just wondering if pride is a factor here in not confessing. If you confess, then everyone seems to find out about it, and not only is your family hurt, but your reputation at church and in the community is damaged also. It's very hard to humble ourselves and admit we've made a mistake. If I was in this situation, my biggest difficulty would be the embarrassment, because I care about what others think of me. I would hate everyone knowing that I cheated on my spouse. I have a much easier time forgiving others than I do myself. You need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Just remember, "...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18 This is why we have the atonement. The Lord wants you to accept the atonement he made for YOU. He loves YOU. YOU are his younger brother. He is YOUR elder brother. Again, I repeat, He loves YOU. Even, if your life comes crashing down around you, and maybe even your families, just remember this. He loves YOU. And the reason I capitalize YOU, it's because we often feel like the atonement is for everyone else but ourselves. We might believe in the atonement, but when it comes to ourselves, it's hard to internalize it--that it's for ME too. I once made a mistake in my life where I felt "How can the Lord still love me? With all my knowledge and testimony, how could I have disappointed the Lord like this?" After many years of tears, praying, and asking for forgiveness, I received a definite answer to my prayers one night. "He's only disappointed if you don't repent". I felt such relief, and such a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. I had gone through the repentance process. I had repented. I just hadn't allowed the atonement to apply in MY life. I was so harsh on myself. Anyone else with the same problem, I would have forgiven immediately--but not myself. Repent, and feel the Savior's love for you. It will bring such sweet peace. Continue to love your wife. Express sorrow to her. Ask her for forgiveness. Express sorrow to your children. Ask for their forgiveness. It is then up to them to forgive you. They may not be able to do it at first. It may be a process that may take some time. It may be that you end up divorced. But, when one door closes, another one will open. It won't be the end of your life. You will still have sweet, wonderful events happen in your life. You are a son of our Father in Heaven. He sent you to this earth, knowing you would make mistakes. Accept the Lord's atonement for you. I'll pray for you.

Thank you Anatess. I agree, this is not a contest. And it definitely is not a game. I've got 30 years of marriage under my belt, and I'm proud of that. We've had laughs, tragedy, financial stress, good times, and bad times--ups and downs, highs and lows. Marriage is about commitment. We are committed to making our marriage work. And spouses are not perfect. I'm not perfect, and neither is my husband. We each have our own idiosyncrasies that the other deals with. When you're committed, you work on the problems and try to solve them. Some issues simply cannot be resolved, but you work around them, and then simply move on with your lives. And in this case, that is what is going to happen. I will move on. But it doesn't necessarily take away the hurt that I've felt. I absolutely agree and understand that his memory is not a barometer of his love for me. But, because of this knowledge of his memory loss with me, it has resurrected all the old insecurities I've had in our relationship. And it comes down to some of his earlier actions. He had a date with her after we were married, he asked me if she could move in with us if she needed too, etc., etc., etc. I did not go into all the details of what has happened. My husband now says, that these actions of his were wrong, and he's sorry I was hurt. And if I was totally secure in his love for me, his memory loss of our first time together, etc. wouldn't matter at all. And is it so wrong of me to want to feel special in his life? Because, that is what it comes down to. I don't feel special in his life. I know he loves me, and I'm not asking that he love me more than his ex. (But, that would be sweet if he did). I just need to know that I'm at least up there on the same level.

My own perspective is that the sisters already know they should be doing their visiting teaching. I would focus more on the "why" we visit teach, and the benefits of visiting teaching. I don't know if you have any personal, positive examples you can relate in your talk. My best friends in my ward are either my visiting teachers, past visiting teachers, or partners I've been paired with in visiting teaching. I think women bond with each other over the course of months of visiting each other, even when nothing significant or traumatic has happened.

I really appreciate all the comments! It's so interesting to see the difference in the men's and women's perspective. Everything posted has been helpful. Plus, almost every single thing that the women have posted about their marriages, and being the second wife, has happened to me over the course of my marriage--my husband has driven past their old homes, pointed out the motel where they honeymooned, wanted to take me on a romantic trip to New Orleans, where he once took his ex, etc Plus, early in my marriage I felt my in-laws cared for the first wife more than they did me, but I know differently now. I understand how it feels, because I've been-there-done-that. But, I have a perspective that 30 years of marriage has brought. It gets better. Now, that the step children are grown and no longer living in our home, there is very little interaction with the former spouse. But, like I mentioned in my OP, I think I subconsciously thought that she wouldn't be a part of our lives at all at this stage, except for the occasional baby blessing of grandchildren, etc. That bubble was burst, and it was hard to acknowledge to myself that she would always be a part of our lives. And to answer a few of the questions, yes the knowledge that was gained about my husband's first sexual experience with his ex compared to our first experience has come over the course of a number of conversations--the conversations just happened to flow in those directions. I appreciate my husband's honesty. I would rather have him be honest than to lie to protect my feelings. My husbands forgetfulness of our proposal, our first sexual experience, and our temple veil experience, wouldn't bother me, because I know memory can go, except for the fact that he remembers those with his first wife--and those with her were even further in the past. And this is where I know I shouldn't compare, but I ask myself, why were those memories more significant to him with her than they were with me? My husband tries to reassure me. He tells me I'm not any less significant or memorable. But, I guess I go from my own experience, and for me, most of the things that stand out in my memory, are memories that had special significance in my life. Maybe men just don't think that way. I don't know.

I don't know how to quote yet from other posts, but Jayanna, thank you for your post. I understand completely about the genealogy thing in the Bible, because something similar has happened with us. It hurts to see only the first wife's name mentioned on the genealogy records. Hopefully, things will improve with your step-son and you. Just continue loving him. I was blessed that my step children were so young when my husband and I married. I raised them and love them like my own. And I know they love me back. They also love their mother, and that's the way it should be. My step kids are active in the church, and both have served missions. My step son is married, and his wife is expecting their fifth child. My step daughter hasn't married and lives in Asia. Her parents divorce seems to have affected her more than her brother, and I believe she is afraid to commit or even get involved with anyone. Because I love my step children as my own, their sorrows are also my sorrows. Their joys are also my joys. I fully believe that because of the sealing covenant, their mother will someday hear the whisperings of the spirit and will return to the gospel. I will rejoice with my step children when that happens, because I know how much they want this. They love her so much and are so worried for her. I don't worry any more about her being sealed to my husband. My husband has let me know that he has no desire to be with her in the eternities. We've been taught that we will not be forced to spend eternity with someone we don't want to be with. I know the adversary has been working on me. Wouldn't he love to destroy another family? I'm determined not to let that happen. That's why it's been so important to me to work on the issues my husband and I are having. That's why my husband and I have got to talk about this. I've done a lot of self-instrospection lately, and I basically think what it all boils down to, is insecurity. If I was totally secure in my husbands love for me, then the memory thing wouldn't matter. That's why the actions of my husband early in our marriage has got to be discussed, and we need to come to grips with it. If I learn that he still has feelings for his ex, then like Slamjet says, it will either break us up, or if we can get beyond it, bring us closer.

I would suppose that the right of privacy is the big issue. If I was involved with a disciplinary action I certainly wouldn't want that information given out to anyone.

I'm really embarrassed about this OP now. I sound like such a cry baby (which I hate). I'm usually a positive person. Sometimes, just writing down how we are feeling helps put things into perspective. And now that I've reread it, I realized just how much I've been focusing on the negative aspects of my marriage and not the positive. Several months ago, after one of our deep discussions about our relationship, my husband asked me if he "ever did anything right"? Of course I told him he did. And he thought it might be a good idea if I typed up a list of the positive things in our marriage. I told him I would. Well, I put it off and forgot about it. After rereading my OP today, and talking to my husband about my post, I decided to start my list. I'm already on my second page of positives! One of the positives in our marriage is our communication. We are very best friends, so we confide everything to each other. Anyway, I think that's mostly a positive, but, because of the openness of our confidences, that's how I've learned about the things that have hurt me. I know we'll get through this. We've gotten through all of our past problems, and we'll weather this too. One of the positives of this experience, is because of our in-depth talks, I'm much more secure in the love my husband has for me. The heartache is still here, but I know I can overcome this.

Thank you MorningStar. You bring up some good points. And you too, Dravin. I know I shouldn't compare, and I've tried hard not too. It's just that because I know certain facts about their relationship, it's hard to ignore what has happened with ours. And as to the proposal/ring situation, I knew my husband had some financial stresses at the time, but I thought he would come through--even up until the wedding ceremony. He had recently purchased a bed and a TV, so finances were tight and we only had a two week engagement. As for discussing appropriate boundaries with his ex, we've done this. It should have been discussed when we were first married, not 30 years later. My husband says he wishes we would have had these discussions earlier, because then some of the things he did with his ex, early in our marriage, wouldn't have occurred.