classylady

I found out over a year ago that my husband doesn't remember the first time we made love, but he remembers that experience with his ex-wife. This has absolutely devastated me. I thought that by now, more than a year later, I'd be over this, and able to put this behind me. But, I can't get over the hurt. We've been married nearly 30 years and have of course gone through our trials, but we've always been able to overcome everything that has come our way. My husband feels bad, and tries to reassure me that I'm number one in his life. This has resurrected issues that I thought we had gotten beyond, and it has brought up a lot of insecurities I've had in our relationship that I thought were no longer there. I've had to take off my wedding ring because of the hurt I feel whenever I see it. A little history here, so you know where I'm coming from--and I'm sorry this will take up so much space. My husband was divorced when we met, and he had custody of his two small children--ages 2 and 4. He divorced his ex after she had had several affairs. I fell in love with his children and him. We had some issues after we were first married because I felt like he still had feelings for his ex-wife, that I was second choice, and couldn't measure up to her, etc. Some of the things that bothered me were: he didn't buy me an engagement/wedding ring, but he had gotten one for her; shortly after we were married he and his ex went out secretly to dinner (I presume to discuss the kids); at one time when she came over to pick up the kids for visitation, and I wasn't home, he allowed her to follow him into our bedroom; my husband and ex were still sharing confidences with each other after we were married; he asked me if she could move in with us if she ever needed to; he called me by her name on occasion; we ended up taking care of his ex's third child when she divorced her 2nd husband and she couldn't handle the child for awhile (we fell in love with this child, and would have adopted her if she would have let us); while he was working at the University, and she attended school there, he gave her rides home. There were a lot of other things that happened, that made me feel insecure about our relationship, but this gives you an idea. Of course, this didn't all happen at once. This was over the course of several years. And to give my husband credit, he simply didn't know how to handle an ex-wife--the woman who was the mother to his two oldest children, the woman he had at one time promised to be with for eternity, etc. Because of the children, he wasn't sure where to draw the line. His ex was experiencing depression, and what was happening in her life, invariably affected the children. All this was hard on me. But, we got through this. We had five children together, so with his two from his first marriage, we raised seven children. And I love my step children as my own. My husband knew I was upset about the things that happened with his ex-wife after we were first married, and we discussed them somewhat. We should have really discussed them in depth, so my husband would have truly understood the extent of my hurt, and gotten to the core of what was also happening with him. But neither my husband nor I like confrontation, so these issues got buried. And some years later, I also found out that my husband didn't remember his marriage proposal to me, but he remembered his proposal to his ex. And one that really hurts, is, he forgot our experience of taking me through the veil at the temple, but he remembered the experience with his ex (those of you who've been sealed, will know what I'm talking about here, and what a wife tells her husband at the veil). I thought I had forgiven my husband for the things that happened. We did buy me a wedding ring after we'd been married for about 10 years. I loved that ring. Now fast forward about 20 years. I had a fantasy in my head that with the step children grown, and living on their own and leading their own lives, that my husband's ex would no longer be a part of our lives except for weddings, baptisms, graduations, etc. And then nearly two years ago, his ex asks to be friends on face book with my husband, me, his siblings, his parents, all of our children--not just hers, etc. I admit I was upset, and I let my husband know how I felt. My husband wasn't on face book much, and he just let it slide. About four months after that, his ex showed up at a quilting bee my husband's side of the family was having for our youngest daughter who was getting married. (This is not her daughter). Everyone was quietly saying to me "why is she here?" I think she came because her/my oldest daughter (my step daughter), was there, and because my step daughter lives out of the country, we don't see her very often. I can understand wanting to be with your daughter, when you don't get to see very much of her. But, to me, this just wasn't appropriate. After I got home from the quilting bee, I pretty much lost it. I told my husband how I felt--how upset I was. You have to understand that I am usually under control with my emotions. I'm usually a pretty calm person, and I'm known as the strong one. People come to me for help and advice. Anyway, I was crying, and I couldn't stop. This scared my husband because he has never seen me like this before. (When our 2nd daughter was killed in a car accident several years before this, I didn't cry at first, I was in such shock, plus I had to be strong for the rest of the children). This crying episode scared my husband so much, that the next day he didn't even go into work. And I admit, it scared me too. I've never lost control like this before. I think, what I was realizing, is that his ex will always be a part of our lives. There will never be a time when she is completely out of the picture. We started talking after this--really delving into our relationship. We discussed things like--why didn't he buy me an engagement/wedding ring when we first got married. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't get a ring until after we'd been married about 10 years. Now he tells me, he feels like he has never really gotten me a ring. This ring that I loved, he feels like I bought for myself. It isn't one, he feels that he got for me. (Even though we were both there when we got the ring). That hurt my feelings. And during the course of our conversations, I asked him why he didn't delete his ex-wife from face book when he knew how upset I was about it. After that he did delete her, and he sent emails to the rest of the family to please be mindful of his privacy when they're on face book, etc. And also during one of our conversations, when we were discussing our sex life, (which has had it's ups and downs, but overall has been pretty amazing), I had a question about our first time together. And he doesn't remember the experience at all. Because we have had some pretty in depth conversations, I knew he still remembered his first experience with his ex-wife. Now, you have to understand, that I was a virgin, so of course our first time of making love was significant to me. I just can't understand how he can totally forget this. I am so hurt! This has completely devastated me. I feel like his first wife has so much more significance in his life than I ever have. Combined with him forgetting our proposal, our temple sealing (veil experience), and now knowing he has no memory of our first sexual experience together, but he remembers all of those things with his first wife, I feel so hurt and totally heart broken. I had to take my wedding ring off, because every time I saw it, it reminded me that he feels like he has never gotten me a ring, which would remind me that he didn't get me a ring when we first got married, and then that would remind me that he doesn't remember our first love making experience together, but he remembers it with his ex-wife. And I would just get extremely sad, and would often start crying. I try not to let my husband see how often I cry about this, but he's seen the red eyes even though I've tried to hide it. We are trying to overcome these issues and insecurities. We are reading together the book "The Five Love Languages". My husband is trying to get his sealing to his first wife cancelled. I think he feels that that will prove to me that he loves me more than his ex-wife. I don't have much hope of the sealing being cancelled. He tried to have it cancelled when we first got sealed in the temple, more than 29 years ago--but the answer he got from the First Presidency was "that it isn't necessary". I understand that because she's been excommunicated that her temple blessings have been revoked. The only things that are different this time, from when he originally requested to have his temple sealing to her cancelled, is that she has asked to have her name removed from the rolls of the church, and she is now married. Do you think there's any hope for me to overcome this? I want to have joy in my marriage. I just feel hurt. I've prayed, and prayed. Peace has not come. This, to me, is grief. And maybe time will heal these wounds. But, in the meantime I still feel heart broken. I've tried to put this at the altar of the Lord, for I know he understands my pain. And I also know that to some people, this seems so insignificant to grieve over. It isn't like he's been unfaithful to me. But it isn't insignificant to me. This is almost more than I can bear. I know what grief is, and this is it. I welcome any help. Thank you.

Congratulations, Jason!

I have a love/hate relationship with face book. I love that I can keep in contact with friends, family, and even old acquaintances from high school etc. I'm not much of a phone person, so if I wasn't on face book I would have very little interaction with my children who live away from home. That's the love part I have for face book. What I don't like about face book is the lack of privacy that comes when your family becomes friends with someone you would rather not have in your life. My husband's ex-wife wanted to be friends with him, me, our children, my husband's siblings, husband's parents, etc. I'm a private person, and I don't particularly want his ex-wife knowing the things that are going on in our lives. It really hurt me when my husband accepted her friend request. After my husband and I talked about it, he deleted her as a friend, and he sent emails out to all his family members to please be mindful of his privacy when they posted anything on face book.

If I personally was the wife, I would want to know. If I found out years after the fact, I would feel like I'd been living a lie. There's going to be anger, hurt, feelings of betrayal, etc. no matter when you confess. Do you want the children to be angry with you as adults, for they will be upset with you. Children seem to be more resilient than we give them credit for, and I believe over time they will learn to forgive you. My husband left his first wife after she had several affairs. She did not want the divorce, and wanted to live with an open marriage. That wasn't acceptable to my husband and he felt that wasn't the best atmosphere for their two young children to live with. She wanted to party at that time in her life, which isn't conducive to raising children, and my husband got custody of their children. That was over 25 years ago. My step-children love their mother, and they've forgiven her. They've had time over the years to come to grips with what happened. And I believe it's a lot easier on younger children than teenagers to have such a traumatic event like divorce happen. Even if your wife forgives you and doesn't leave, she is going to have issues to deal with. No matter what happens it's going to be hard on her, because let's face it--you betrayed her. What you did is wrong. You need to confess and rid yourself of this sin. How can you live with yourself with a clear conscience knowing what you did? You would be miserable knowing you are hiding this sin from your wife, and knowing you aren't clean before the Lord. You will feel so much better after confession, because it's the right thing to do--even if the consequences are hard.

I agree with Applepansy, don't sell yourself short or a potential spouse. I have a cousin, when she divorced, she had custody of her children plus an older sister with down syndrome. She met a wonderful man and they've been happily married now for 9 years now. Together they've met the challenges life brings. If you meet a man who isn't willing to deal with the challenges you face, he isn't someone I'd want to marry anyway--just sayin'. Bless you for being willing to care for your brother.

What about the promise to parents whose children that are sealed to them, will someday hear the whisperings of the Spirit and will repent and return. I've come to understand that it may be in the next life, not necessarily this life that they will return.

In the book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" Spencer W. Kimball says "A phrase that occurs several times in modern revelation should certainly be an incentive to prompt, unreserved repentance. This term talks of sinners being delivered to the "buffetings of Satan."... To some of the Church members earlier in our dispensation who had broken their covenants and thereby come under condemnation, the Lord stated: Therefore, inasmuch as you are found transgressors, you cannot escape my wrath in your lives. Inasmuch as ye are cut off for transgression, ye cannot escape the buffetings of Satan until the day of redemption...D&C 104:8-10J... Similarly in the revelation relating to the new and everlasting covenant, the Lord emphasizes the seriousness of certain transgressions by saying that even though the offenders may be redeemed and finally be exalted, "they shall be ...delivered unto the buffetings of Satan unto the day of redemption, saith the Lord God." D&C 132:26" Just what constitutes the "buffetings of Satan" no one knows except those who experience them, but I have seen many people who have been buffeted in life after they have come to themselves and realized to some degree the horror of their acts. If their sufferings were not the "buffetings of Satan," they must be a near approach to them. Certainly they reflect great sorrow, anguish of soul, shame, remorse, and physical and mental suffering. Perhaps this condition approaches the sufferings of which the Lord spoke when he said: But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I: Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit...(D&C 19:17-18)" In the last paragraph that I quoted by Spencer W. Kimball it sounds like even after repentance you might still be buffeted by Satan "I have seen many people who have been buffeted in life after they have come to themselves and realized to some degree the horror of their acts." Maybe, (and this is just classylady's observation) it is part of the repentance process--repentance being a process, not a single act. Because I think once the repentance process is complete, forgiveness of yourself sometimes is the last to come. Once you can forgive yourself, peace seems to come, and you're no longer "harrowed up" by the sin/sins.

If what you are saying is true, why are you willing to try to save a marriage where he shows so little respect for you, that he is willing to cheat? It sounds to me like you have some self-esteem problems. And as for being unable to heal until he admits his cheating, why is that so important? Do you need to hear him say he's sorry? The truth may be that he isn't sorry. It takes both partners to try and make a marriage work. If he isn't willing to work on the marriage, what can you do? In my husband's first marriage, his wife had several affairs. He tried to make the marriage work until he actually caught her in the act. I guess that was his wake up call--his ah-ha moment. That's when it became real, and he realized that he did not want to have a wife that had so little disregard for him that she was willing to cheat. He realized that he did not want to be in a marriage where his partner didn't respect the marriage covenant. I can understand trying to make a marriage work when there are children involved. But it sounds like your daughter is grown. You need to have an adult conversation with him where there is no yelling or accusations. Just discuss in an adult manner what you both want out of your relationship. It may be that you want two different things. Be adult about it, and get on with your lives.

I wonder if the experiences of Job were the buffetings of Satan? Or did the Lord just allow physical nature to take its course? And of course we need to be careful not to judge. Just because calamity befalls a person does not mean they are not righteous.

Being delivered over to the buffetings of Satan is definitely something to avoid. I wonder if part of the buffetings of Satan could be the heartache and problems that follow from choosing a lifestyle that is not centered on Gospel principles? Or is that just the consequences of that lifestyle?

I too served a mission, and it was very difficult. At my mission farewell, I remember my older brother, in his talk, telling me, "If you knew how hard this is going to be, you probably wouldn't go". And maybe I'm a Pollyanna, yet with all the hardship and difficulties, I can still say "It was the best two years" (1 1/2 years actually) of my life. I loved the people I served, even though most of them didn't get baptized. I loved my companions, even though we definitely had our differences. I loved my mission president, even though he was very opinionated with certain areas of the gospel. None of us are perfect. Our leaders aren't perfect. The Lord uses us as his tools--imperfect tools to further His work. Even if you only had one convert, (and that convert may be you, yourself), then your mission was successful. I commend all the missionaries who persevere and complete their missions. That in-of-itself is success. Missionaries are sent to serve. And sometimes, it may be a companion that you will be serving--helping them with their own struggles and weaknesses. And for me, one of the most difficult parts of my mission was learning, very clearly from my companions, just what my weaknesses were. I remember a particularly very difficult time while on my mission. No need to go into particulars, but I was feeling so down, unloved, and with an overall feeling of not accomplishing anything. I was on my knees, and praying so hard for comfort and guidance. While I was praying, I literally felt someone give me a hug, but no one was in the room with me. After that experience, circumstances didn't get any better, but I knew that I wasn't alone, and I knew that the Lord was mindful of my joys and sorrows. There were other times when I prayed for help and guidance, but didn't receive that same sort of assurance. Sometimes, our faith needs to be strengthened. And the Lord will answer our prayers in the best way for us, not the way we particularly want them answered. I came home from my mission with an absolute conviction and testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I wish I could say that with that testimony came a person who lived a perfect life. But, unfortunately I made and still make mistakes in my life. But, I know who my Savior is. I know where to turn for comfort. I know repentance and the atonement are real. That was the greatest blessing of my mission--my testimony. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

What do you think the "buffetings of Satan" are? I've been reading D&C 82 and in verse 21 it says "And the soul that sins against this covenant, and hardeneth his heart against it, shall be dealt with according to the laws of my church, and shall be delivered over to the buffetings of Satan until the day of redemption." Just curious if anyone has any ideas?

I believe that every area has its good and bad points. A lot has to do with your own attitude. If you're unhappy where you live and hate all your neighbors, you'll have the same problems where you move to. If you love where you live and love your neighbors, you'll probably love your new area and love your new neighbors. Decide what's important to you, such as schools, the commute, distance from family, rural vs urban, etc. Do some investigating, and then depending on your price point, start looking for homes in the area that best fits your needs. In the Real Estate business they say location, location, location is everything. And what my perfect location is, may not be yours. I've lived in the Millcreek area of SLC. Loved it. Olympus Cove area-loved it. Midvale-loved it. Kearns-loved it. Centerville-loved it. Bountiful-loved it. Currently live in Highland in Utah County. Love it. I have a son that lives in Bluffdale (Perry Farms) area. He loves it. I have a daughter and a son that just bought homes in Eagle Mountain. They were able to get into bigger homes for their money. They haven't been there long, but so far I think they like the area. I commuted from Highland up to the SLC airport for about 10 years. I put up with the commute because I love where we live. And compared to my 35 min. commute every day, when I look at some of the commute times in larger metropolitan areas, it really wasn't that bad. My husband and I chose Highland because it pretty much put us within commuting distance from jobs in both SLC area and the Provo area. And it put us half way between his family in Davis County and my family in the Payson area--45 minutes each direction. So, decide what's important to you--and just go for it. Right now is a great time to buy a home!

I understand your concerns because I have the same issues. My husband was sealed to his first wife and after she had several affairs and was excommunicated from the church he divorced her. He received custody of their two young children. We married civilly and were later sealed in the temple. Prior to our sealing my husband requested a sealing cancellation from his former wife. The answer he received was "It is not necessary". That was over 28 years ago. So, even though I went to our sealing with some misgivings I'm grateful that my husband and I were sealed together. I'm grateful that our five children that we've had together and my two step-children that I've raised have the blessings of the sealing covenant in their lives. This is truly a blessing in their lives and in mine. But, with that said, here are some of the concerns. First, I believe that I cannot judge his ex-wife. I have to assume that she will repent and will some day have her temple blessings restored. And whether if it's in this life or the next, I do not know. From my understanding of the gospel there is repentance in the next life. And we have been promised that those who have strayed, who have the sealing covenant in their lives, will some day hear the whisperings of the spirit and return. Also, along with not judging, I do not have a full understanding of what has happened in her life for her to make the decisions that she did--perhaps she was never taught correctly, or maybe she has a mental dysfunction, etc. It is not my place to judge. So I have to assume that she will inherit the highest degree of glory in the celestial kingdom. My step-children love their mother and are so concerned for her. And because I love my step-children as my own, their sorrows and joys are also my sorrows and joys. I will rejoice along with them when she has her temple blessings restored to her. I also know that when she asks my husband for forgiveness, that he will give it to her. That is only right, and I wouldn't expect anything else from him. So, where does that put me? Will I be placed in the position of being the second wife in the eternities? My husband and I have discussed this in depth. He claims that even though he has already forgiven his ex-wife, he has no desire to have her as a wife in the next life. And we have been promised that we will not be forced to be with anyone we don't want to be with. I just have to have the faith that this is what will happen. And I need to exercise faith that everything will work out for the best and we will have true joy and peace in the next life. There is no doubt in my mind that being sealed is one of the greatest blessings that our Father has for us. I am so grateful for the sealing covenant. Several years ago our nineteen year old daughter was killed in a car accident. I can't imagine the sorrow I'd feel if we hadn't been sealed. There is so much peace and comfort in knowing that we can be an eternal family. Isn't that what you want for yourself? Place your doubts and fears in the hands of the Lord. He will guide you. He will bless you. And sometimes, like me, we go ahead and do the right thing, even when there are a few misgivings. Bless you. I hope all goes well.