ACommonMan

To be bluntly honest, I think a common difference between LDS and non-LDS wedding receptions stem from the celibacy of the bride and groom. LDS receptions tend to be a lot shorter and allow the couple to move on to an anxiously awaited honeymoon. There doesn't need to be as many time fillers to stretch the reception into an all day event. Typically, I see a receiving line so everyone gets a chance to congratulate the couple, the Daddy/Daughter Dance, the couple's first dance, the cake cut, the bouquet toss, and then the newlyweds take off and the guests dance and party without them. Personally, I did the garter toss, but somewhat regret it. It felt more awkward than I had expected it to when planning the event.

True. While it is an age old adage, it is not a scripture. (I searched scriptures.lds.og to be doubly sure before posting this) There are scriptures which say to maintain "a house of order" (D&C 88:119) and to keep "uncleanness far from you." (D&C 90:18) However, the notion that we are on a bad path if our physical cleanliness is not perfect enough, or that we are not doing it in the right way, is misguided. It's better to play with your children in the mud than to give them the impression that they'll go to hell if they don't take their shoes off before tracking a hint of dirt into the house.

Laying out your personal boundaries is a critical step and while I understand the inclinations to avoid ultimatums, you should both realize they really are ultimatums. Otherwise, they are empty threats which are not likely to initiate a change. The important thing is they they are shared lovingly, rather than forcefully. I am relatively new to the whole addiction recovery thing, so part of me is hesitant to give any direct advice. However, the first thing he needs to do is acknowledge that he wants to stop and that the attempts to stop in the past have not worked. The LDS Family Services support groups has been great. I've also been reading "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" by Philip Harrison. Philip shares his experience using the twelve step methodology back before the Church came out with their Gospel Centered Version. I'm not one who has ever been very motivated to read, so I'm working through it slowly. I'm only on Chapter five, but Chapter three was very powerful for me. It's about unlearning the lies we thought we knew about ourselves and lies about how God will react to our sins. Keep in mind, there is no "cure" for addiction, only recovery. Like a diabetic, for whom glucose will always be a problem, the disease is managed, not removed. It will be a great help to him to know that you will support his righteous desires to rid himself of the sinful habits. What is appropriate is to let him know you cannot stand by while he continues to "act out", as we say in the program.

I've been thinking a lot recently about people being afraid to confess to their Bishop. I remember a story from my own life that I hope will give some confidence to handle making any confession to your Priesthood Authority. While on my mission, every interview with my mission president included the standard questions asked in temple worthiness interviews. There's a tendency to go on a bit of auto-pilot when you already know what the next question is going to be. When he got to, "Do you have any problem obeying the Word of Wisdom?", I promptly replied, "Nope. Never have, never will." He then asked a follow up question, "Which part?". I wondered what he meant by "Which part?". Wasn't it self explanatory that there is no part which tempts me? Since I have a bit of a hearing problem, I am rather familiar with that feeling one gets when they realize they may have answered the wrong question, so I asked him to clarify. He said that he asked if I obeyed the W of W, and I had said, "no". I desperately scrambled to explain that I heard the question backwards and laughed at myself for not having paid enough attention. The part of this story which has stuck out in my mind the past couple of days is looking at it from the Mission President's point of view. He asked a missionary, "Do you obey the Word of Wisdom?" and the response was, "Never have, never will." Can you imagine the shock and disgust which could have rightly crossed his mind over this completely unrepentant kid? Yet, without missing a beat, his reaction was to simply ask, "Which part?". No condemnation, no look of derision, simply asking the next logical question. I think that is the kind of experience we can expect from our leaders when we need to confess, even when we believe it's something horrible in our own minds.

First of all, your story reminds so much of my own 20 year old daughter, that I love and adore you for having the courage to bring this up in a public space. As a point of reference for my daughter's "sort of" masturbatory experience, she developed a peculiar way of rocking herself to sleep when she was three or four years old. After puberty, she found that the way she rocked back and forth was stimulating more than she had intended. She also has some severe anxiety issues and has no interest in any romantic relationship. Despite being raised in the church, she never connected the behavior she indulging might violate the Law of Chastity. Once she realized that it did, she came to my wife and I to talk about it. My wife felt like, on technicality issues, she didn't need to see the Bishop. I encouraged her to go and she eventually did. Unfortunately, no two Bishops are exactly alike and I cannot guarantee what experience you will have. I think that our Bishop at the time had a bit of a chip on his shoulder relating to his own daughter having rebelled as a teen. He was a bit more strict than I felt he should have been. That, coupled with him being bad at scheduling his time left her going about eight weeks before he said she could take the sacrament again. However, I constantly reminded her that it's important to follow whatever guidance the Bishop is inspired to direct. Whether or not a given Bishop feels the need to discipline a member of the congregation, I can testify, from Bishops I've spoken with and my own experience in an Elders Quorum Presidency, that there is an amazing gift of Christlike love you gain for those whom you serve. So what I can guarantee is that the Bishop will rejoice in your desire to overcome sin and he will celebrate your victory of it with you. That said, it is important to know that negative sexual habits which occur frequently enough, can be very difficult to stop. Consideration should be given to seeing a therapist and attending addiction recovery meetings. As mentioned previously, habitual masturbation is rarely about sexual gratification. It's important to find a way to drill down to the root triggers of the behavior in order to experience a lasting celibacy/recovery. Remember that you are a daughter of God. That means you have the spiritual DNA to become a goddess yourself one day. That is an amazing legacy you have every right to claim. Through the Atonement of Christ, it is still achievable despite whatever sins may be in your past. Because this sin is sexual in nature, talking with your Bishop is one of the steps required to get back on the path to the Celestial Kingdom. It will be a scary step, but only until you get the words out. After that, it will start to get better. By the time you leave his office, you will feel a weight lifted because you're doing what the Lord asks of you.

Step 1: Forgive Yourself Step 2: See step 1. Like Loudmouth, I too hope your Bishop is fully aware of what is or is not resolved. If there are no secrets with him and he has cleared you to get the Melchizedek Priesthood, the rest is just a matter of being open to possibilities. There is a book by Tad R. Callister called "The Infinite Atonement". It's a long read, but it spells out in great detail just how powerful the Atonement really is. There is so much more to it than we tend to talk about. We should never place our own limitations on it, such as, "It can get me to the temple, but it can't get me a celestial marriage." Christ's Atonement will redeem the entire planet and return it to its original orbit near Kolob. Redeeming us, by comparison, is a minor task.

There are too many problems in this story to really grasp what advice to give. She wants to get married, he doesn't, but he's the one who said they need to get married to prevent him from having an affair? This sounds like a poorly worded joke. I wouldn't worry about it as a real indicator of behavior, particularly if the Spirit has always told you he's a good guy. However, I'm confused by claiming he's respected at ward and stake levels, but he buys beer for people and refuses to go to the Temple. There are pieces of this story which are missing. Why is he buying the alcohol? Is it for minors, to young to get them selves? Is it business outings where he feels pressured to take a turn buying the next round, even though he's only drinking soda? The best advice, based on what I think that I know about their situation, is that she needs to determine if they are capable of agreeing on their future. Two years in a committed relationship without getting married is too long, in my opinion. Five years is ridiculous. If it all makes sense to her, then don't get in the way. If she's frustrated and wants help, support her and suggest she speak with her Bishop. (Do they have the same Bishop?) The bottom line is that she needs to make sure that she's living her life in line with Christ. Even in Oaxaca, since you implied the is a ward and a stake, there are more options than this one guy. She doesn't need to feel like she has to accept the first LDS guy who smiles at her.

Here's my two cents, which may be all the advice is worth. :) The Bishop only needs to be involved in the repentance process when the against the Law of Chastity, the Law of the Land, or against the church. Word of Wisdom issues and questions of faith can be addressed as needed but are only required to be discussed during a recommend interview. That said, and particularly since this brother is new to the church, there is a lot to be said about visiting with the Bishop on some of the smaller things as a part of becoming familiar with the process and relationship. Yes the Bishop is very busy and we should value his time, but there can also be a tendency to place him in a role as the dispenser of the Wrath of God. I think it's good to have visits on small matters so you're not afraid of turning to him for weightier issues.

There is only so much you can do. The conversation to have with your friend should probably go something like... Did you tell the Bishop about that? You may not think it's a big deal, and I may be making more of it than I should, but I think you need to let him decide that as a judge in Israel. From what I understand, you could be about to make a bad situation worse by taking on covenants unworthily. Because I love and care for you, and don't want you to make a big mistake, I will tell him what I know if you don't. It's way better for people to initiate the confession themselves, but sometimes they need the right prodding. My dad recently shared a story from when he was a Bishop. He felt very strongly that one of the priests was being immoral, but the priest would never confess. One day he told the priest, I feel like there's something you need to tell me and we're just gonna sit here until you do. Dad said they sat in silence for about 10-15 minutes before the priest finally confessed he and his girlfriend were having sex.

I would counsel any active LDS person to be very careful dating an investigator. There are hundreds of stories, like Anatess', where it works out. There are, however, thousands where it causes heartache. Either they spend years frustrated that their spouse never got baptized, or potentially worse, the person really only gets baptized in order to date the Latter-day Saint and ends up regretting the church when the relationship doesn't work out. As often is the case, this is an area where one needs to let the Holy Spirit be their guide, and preferably before they're already "head over heels" and the Spirit has a harder time getting through.

I certainly hope not. Marriages fall apart and sealings get cancelled without needing a serious sin involved. I presume "Previously Sealed" is a record keeping notation to track the children who were Born In the Covenant of said previous sealing. As for the current situation at hand, one really needs to talk it through with their Bishop. The rules have changed over the years and I have had a need to keep track of them all. I know that while the technicalities of Temple Marriage permit men to be sealed to more than one woman, the Church, around 1992, began to require men, who were re-marrying, to get cancellations just as women always have.

As a point of fact, one does not need to be a full tithe payer, or even a member of the church, to receive financial support from the Bishop. He is charged with the welfare of every household within his ward boundries. Help will almost always come with a request to obey the law of tithing, but that has more to do with needing more than just financial benefits by the time one has reached the point of needing church support.

Kevieb, You are correct in everything you have asserted. The local leadership SHOULD be helping you more readily than they appear to be. Unfortunately, the leadership is human and has their own weaknesses. Even in a small Idaho town, there should be more help available than you have been led to believe, particularly if there are two stakes. I am not that surprised you've experienced a measurable difference between the two stakes in town. I had the occasion to live in a really bad ward in Southern Utah. After being given permission by the Stake President to test some other wards to possibly attend, one we felt quite comfortable in was one formed by splitting our home ward before we moved in. I thought of the movie "Twins", where child got all the best qualities and the other got only the less desirable ones. I share that story because you should know that, while unfortunate, it's not particularly uncommon. Normally, going to the Stake is enough to nudge a hard-nosed Bishop back on track. Go ahead and send the letter to the Area Seventy. The only thing which should stop you is the answer to one question which only you are able to answer. Are you local leaders not receiving revelation for you, or are you just not happy with the revelations they've shared? If it's the latter, then do what you can to start taking it to heart. Otherwise, keep climbing that patriarchal ladder. You will be pleasantly surprised how good it will feel when someone truly in tune with The Spirit talks with you.

That is a tough situation. Some Bishops are really good and others struggle with their own demons. As I think about what you've shared, the main thought which came to my mind was some recent advice about taking care of yourself first and allowing your spouse to catch up. Perhaps you should consider getting the bishop to sponsor counselling for just you. Try to work on proper coping mechanisms so that the yelling doesn't affect you the way it has been. I don't have any suggestions for your specific circumstances, but it would seem to me that over the years there has built up an unintended relationship where your self esteem allows him to think it's not bad enough to really need to be changed. While his yelling is in no way your fault, there are probably things you can do to reinforce that his actions have consequences.

My suggestion... start in the middle somewhere. The most read scripture in the church is, "I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents". Even the best of intentions can fail and everyone starts at the beginning again. I have found that picking a random starting point helps me feel like I'm where I want to be in the scriptures rather than just completing a to-do list. I wrap back around to Nephi again, but by then, it's more of a habit than a chore. As for which book to read, any is better than nothing. You probably want to avoid Isaiah and 2 Nephi, since it largely quotes Isaiah. He is the most intimidating prophet to read and understand. In general, the Book of Mormon is good because it is not only the most complete and accurate, but it is also fairly easy to read because of its more narrative style. However, you may find that reading the Doctrine and Covenants is most helpful right now since that is what we will be studying in Sunday School this coming year. That will also give you a measurable goal of reading the sections before they are discussed in class each week. Where it comes to your trouble with prayer, you've already answered your own question. Stop being a chicken. :) The more you do it, the more natural it will feel.

The Spirit speaks to us heart to heart, as a burning in the bosom. That is why I equate The Spirit with emotions. Logic is good, as is intellect. However, those who rely too much on logic end up leaning to their own understanding. (see Proverbs 3:5)

I presume that if you were doing anything "wrong" you would know it. Consider setting up an appointment with your Stake President to have him review your blessing with you. One of the things they are charged with is to make sure that a particular patriarchal blessing has not already been fulfilled. It's rare, but sometimes they are fulfilled in this mortal life and a person needs to get a new one. If that is not your case, at least he may be able to help you see a different interpretation based on the whole context.

As I see it, the issue is not can a particular man be better than a particular woman. The issue is that men and women have their own unique roles to play. When it comes to Christlike virtues, women innately have the upper hand. They tend to be more caring and less interested in personal recognition. Because they can be more emotional than logic driven, they pick up on spiritual promptings more easily. "Equality" in the secular world is a crock because it drags women down to be equally good at lighting fires, speaking crudely, and beating people up. The real goal should be men rising to the spiritual level women historically have reached more easily.

Like Skippy, my first thought was to read Alma, though for slightly different reasons. In my experiences, the greatest tool Satan has is getting us to feel like we are past redemption. Alma was as bad as it got for his day yet he had a real change of heart and went on to become a prophet. That is how miraculous the Atonement is. My own therapist has me reading "The Infinite Atonement" by Tad R. Callister. I always knew, logically, that the Atonement was powerful enough to heal anything. Now I'm beginning to appreciate it emotionally. I have also realized that just as I will always love and forgive my children, Heavenly Father will always love and forgive me, each time I ask. Please also take seriously the advice for professional help. While the thought of blood lust has a far more shocking feel than say... shoplifting, the processes of removing the desire to sin are somewhat universal. The brain rewires itself depending on what it is fed. It's entirely possible that a particular medication could help dull those thoughts and thereby help you to feed it pleasant and spiritually uplifting thoughts.

I'm guessing there were no kids. That's the part which is actually important. The sealing of a child to a parent bestows the birthright of the Celestial Kingdom onto the child. Breaking it without another sealing to pick up the pieces is a problem. As for what to write, let The Spirit be your guide. Cancellations are granted on behalf of the First Presidency by one of the General Authorities of the church assigned to review the requests. When my wife and I petitioned Salt Lake, her ex threw several fits and refused to respond to the Bishop. He wrote directly to Salt Lake instead. When we met with Elder Jepson, he held up the letter from the ex and said, "Clearly this man does not have The Spirit. I am going to grant your cancellation." The purpose of your response to make sure there is not something of which he needs to be made aware. If you have some knowledge that she is continuing to be immoral, let him know. Otherwise, trust that he is her judge in Zion and give your blessing. If you have kids sealed to the two of you, talk with your bishop about how that works in a cancellation and seek his understanding of what concerns are valid.

My heart breaks for you and I want so much to correct what your dirt bag of a husband did to you, even though my wife sees me as a dirt bag with no right to give advice. First of all, you can definitely be that woman again. If you can faith in Christ, you can gain hope for your future. That hope, in turn, leads to charity, or the Christlike love needed to forgive him restore you to your previous self. (Sorry if that sounded like a soapbox. I was reading Moroni 10 this morning) Secondly, I have no idea what you husband's experience was. I wonder if one of the other guys in this thread, who have admitted to this problem, have a similar story to mine. I have been wrestling with identifying my triggers and pinpointing the reason(s) I viewed it which laid underneath my stupid justifications at the time. Something which came to me yesterday deals with my wife feeling like I wanted someone else. I knew that wasn't true but, I couldn't explain why. I had said that my viewing was not about fantasy. What I realized yesterday is that it would be more accurate to say the fantasy wasn't the other woman. It was not about how they looked or what they did. It was about my self esteem and wishing I could be as desired as the men in the videos. That I could have the confidence to act on an impulse and expect that it would be successful. The point is that despite women having trouble separating physical desires from emotional ones, no amount of looking prettier nor performing sex "better" would have stopped the porn viewing and it's not going to stop it from recurring either. As difficult as it may be to go against your nature, let go of the thoughts where you had even 1/1000 of a role to play in his choices. Instead, show forth greater love for him as he repents. That will go a million times further in helping his recovery which, in turn, helps the entire family move forward.

I would have to admit that there is an element of "the cover-up is worse than the crime" in my personal case. I spent so many years thinking I could stop on my own and therefore it was okay to lie about it. The woulda coulda shoulda for me is that I didn't deal with it with her at the start. That, in and of itself, was most damaging. Couple that with my thoughts that I had used up my allotment of repentance, and I talked myself into viewing it way past where I might have otherwise.

Thanks for the comments Missionary. I particularly like numbers 4 and 5. (the first 4 and 5, not the nannyware) Who you discuss it with is a key part with number 8 as well. From what I have found, talking with members of my local support group and reading online, is that a lot of education needs to take place before the person you're speaking with can actually be helpful. Finding a good support person in an AR meeting allows you to jump past the here's what's going on phase and straight to the here's what can help phase. I can also tell you that without feeling love and compassion, my low self esteem and tendency to be self defeating (which got me into this trouble in the first place) are really knocking hard at the door of relapse. The number of times in a day in which I contemplate giving up altogether just causes even more depression. Since I singled out the first 4 and 5, I should address the second 4 and 5 a moment as well. I am not against monitoring software and it can be particularly helpful to reassure the spouse that it's not happening again. However, not all the computers in my life are going to have a net nanny. For my own growth, I need to know that I'm avoiding it because I've learned to lean on God for strength, not because I couldn't if I wanted to. That needs to be the long term goal. If net nanny can help in the short term, by all means do whatever it takes.

No. No. child porn nor physical adultery but, there's an emotional component similar to physical adultery for her. The porn revelation was on top of an already strained relationship. It's probably even odds that there is always something more than the porn. I think that often times we get the cause and effect backwards. Scientifically speaking, we know that porn can cause problems in a marriage. Something which gets overlooked is that there are typically problems prior to it also. The porn just makes it worse. Let me be clear. I don't blame my wife, or anything else, for my bad decisions. Those were mine and she doesn't deserve to be going through what she is now. At the same time, it's important to note that porn isn't the root cause of all our trouble. It's not even the cause of 10% of our trouble. She feels like it is, and there is a point to be made about letting Satan into the house. My hope, and it sounds like FourKids is on the right track, is that she'll take a real look at all the elements to our marriage.

FourKids, I'm going to get quite personal here and let you know how grateful I was, when I first stumbled on this, that you have four kids. That means you are not my wife. She recently discovered my search history and we've been dealing with that since Oct. I am thrilled that you have been able to find good way to start your healing so quickly. I'm still quite troubled, six weeks later, that my own marriage may not survive. As for "returning to normal", you may need to redefine that term. I presume it will take quite a while for you to stop wondering about him being in a room alone with a computer. That is somewhat your new normal. However, many of the other things in your family can return to "normal" quite quickly. J. Golden reportedly said, "They can't excommunicate me. I repent too damned fast." While that's probably a fictional quote, (most attributed to him are) it does underscore an important concept. The Lord forgives very quickly. There are some particular situations where the Bishop asks someone to not take the Sacrament for a period but, when the Lord offers repentance, it's full and immediate. Your husband can return to his role as the Priesthood Leader. He can feel the promptings of the Spirit and give fatherly counsel. The two of you would likely benefit from continued therapy for things like letting him touch you without worrying that you are just a substitute for porn. Those types of things will take longer to return to "normal". I pray that you have a successful journey through his recovery.