workingonit
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Posts posted by workingonit
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Advise boards always seem to leave us hanging. So...I thought I would give you all an update. In April of 2017 I was excommunicated, and in May of 2018 my discaplinary counsil was re-conveined. I am excited to let you know that I have been authorized to be rebaptised. We haven't yet selected a date, but it should be soon. My marriage is stronger than ever. I feel closer to my children and my relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior is stronger than ever as well. I am very grateful to my Savior, for his mercy and power. I'm grateful for the struggle, it helps us determine where we want to be and affirms our dedication in obtaining those promised blessings. To any that are currently struggling...Press on, it's worth it!!
- seashmore, Lost Boy, unixknight and 14 others
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I think you are right @Bad Karma. Porn addiciton is almost always a way to deal with other problems, a way of self medication. For me, I was medicating anxiety. But I never knew that until I was seeing the right therapist. I came home early from my mission, because of anxiety. I struggled through high school and college because of anxiety. I began to learn how to manage it combined with medication, and suddenly I feel like a new man. People don't know that there is something wrong with them, because they have "always felt that way". Your wife and a therapist will prove invaluable as you deal with this. They will see things in you which you likely will not see.
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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It is an incredibly difficult situation. My wife and I are in a similar one, except I'm the one that acted out, and I want to correct my actions. The thing that comes to my mind is the medication. I've been on several for depression/anxiety and they can really effect your sex drive and make you very apathetic toward most everything, including things you actully care deeply about. I would look at maybe changing that up and see if it helps. Many prayers for you my brother.
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I'm probably not the best to give advise, but I can relate. There has been some good reccomendations here. My advise...all of them, not just one or the other. Counseling, 12 step, bishop, and the support of your wife. The truth is where the real strenght will come from. The idea of telling my wife, I believed my whole world would fall apart...the result was just the opposite.
- zil, Midwest LDS and NeedleinA
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@Latter-Day MarriageShe is the most amazing woman in the world!
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9 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:
Has your bishop counseled you and her about relapse?
My understanding is, when dealing with a true pornography addiction, the parties involved need to realize that short relapses are a distinct possibility in the early months and prepare for the same. How do you deal with relapse? You repent (which DOES involve telling your wife), get back on the wagon, and keep pressing forward. Ideally, your wife will know what you are up against, that relapses do sometimes happen, and that this may soften the blow.
No, This whole thing really shook my Bishop up. I think I must have been the first to ever confess anything to him. We do have a good counselor though. We haven't really talked about relapse to much with him, but I'm sure it will be the topic next week if I can find the courage to tell the Mrs. .
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Last February I disclosed to my wife about a pornography addiction and multiple same sex affairs. She decided to stay with me and help me work through these problems I had caused. I recently had a relapse with pornography. I haven't told her yet. I'm scared to tell her. I had been clean for about 8 months. I feel angry at myself, I feel terrible about the pain this is going to cause my wife, I feel terrible for taking a step backwards. Inside I want someone to tell me I dont really need to tell her, but I know that I really want her help, love, and support to keep moving forward to beat this addiction. I hate this because it probably changes my timeline to be re-baptized. I think I'm still on track spiritually, but keeping this from her is eating me alive, or the fear of telling her is...i'm not sure.
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37 minutes ago, MadMaddy said:
We have good filters on our computer, but he can access the internet anywhere on his phone. He can't give up his phone, because it's crucial in his line of work.
You can block the internet on phones and only allow certain websites that are crucial for his job duties.
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I have unfortunatly been on your husbands side of things. It truly is such an incredibly difficult place to be in. I would be shocked if someone here told you to stay or leave, that is a very important decision and I know Heavenly Father can help you choose the right path for you and your family.
I just want you to know that you are enough! I know that you feel like you aren't but his choice to persue pornography has nothing to do with you.
Each week I sit in an LDS 12 meeting with several other men addicted to pornography, every one of us want's to be rid of this evil so bad it's undescribable. We are each at different places in our recovery, but the effort to overcome is what is important. If I were in your shoes, that is one of the things I would look hard at...is he still trying?? If he is, I know he could use your continued support, as you both rely on the the Savior to help carry your burdens.
- Jane_Doe, askandanswer and NeedleinA
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Church is where you belong. With or without her. I wasn't that much different than your wife for a long time, but my wife was really solid in the gospel. It was because of her that I have finally made some changes that will allow me to once again be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! The spirit can work through you if you allow it and put effort into what you want to become. Your dreams of attending church with your wife and feeling the spirit is possible but you first need to put the work into yourself and someday she will hopefully follow. Many prayers for you my brother.
- Happy Hiker, Sunday21, zil and 2 others
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Thank you guys for the discussion. I apologize I don't have anything to really add. To add the context for Mike, we were discussing the relationship of marriage and we debated whether the pleasure side of the sexual relationship was important within the celestial relationship, or if it was just a nice side effect. What I'm really aiming for is are our desires and passion from our Father in Heaven or are they evil...even within a marriage?
ETA: I think a lot of my questions have already been discussed above, so thank you.
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I had someone challenge me to ponder on the meaning of sexuality within the LDS marriage. In the temple we make a covenant of obedience and then me make a covenant of the law of chastity. Wouldn't the law of chastity been covered under the law of obedience? To me it means that we are supposed to be sexual beings, but what does that mean?
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ETA: I just realized this post is from last year.
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This discussion is entertaining! That is all.
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5 minutes ago, mdfxdb said:
People that are changing for the better are great. In fact I encourage it. I just wouldn't marry them. There is nothing wrong with having a requirement / high bar for those to whom you are committing the rest of eternity, your children, livelihood, etc, etc,etc......
I can see what you are saying but that category should include every one of us. It was once said by a GA ( I can't remember which one), "if you are searching for the perfect spouse, why would she want anything to do with you?"
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41 minutes ago, mdfxdb said:
Recovered alcoholics, cancer survivors, abuse victims, previously fat people, are all different people than who they used to be. I would never marry one. The only mistake I see being made here is the OP leading this girl on...
I agree...There is nothing worse than people that are changing for the better. They are out there making all the lazy, ignorant people look bad.
- Gazing at essence, Sunday21 and zil
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12 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:
Jumping the gun on sexual addiction aren't you? I mean he is a guy and guys like sex it does not make him a sex addict.
I think there is a very high chance that he is an addict of something...sex, pornography, masturbation, something. Normal healthy people do not do what he has done. Specialized therapy can save lots of time, money and heartache.
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My heart hurts for you. My heart hurts for your husband as well. You both need to see some good counselors, he specifically need to see a good specialized CSAT therapist. People don't just run off and have affairs...its a progressive thing. There are other problems that need to be addressed. Your Heavenly Father will guide you.
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23 hours ago, Bananafax said:
3) Stop thinking it. I'm frankly having a hard time with this one. To me it feels like I'm receiving the stereotypical bad advice that they give to those addicted to pornography or to those with same-sex attraction, and it seems just as taboo in your minds. If there was a mental switch I could easily flip, then I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate it and I hate myself for it, but I feel like there's a deeply entrenched neural pathway in my mind that takes more than "stop it."
I deal with both of your examples. And it is absolutely possible to "Stop It". It takes effort, it takes courage, and it takes consistency. You can do this, when the thought comes, use a Mantra to change that thought and remind yourself what you have to lose if you take the wrong road.
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We all have an attraction profile and when someone matches that profile we are attracted to them. But I want you to picture that profile like a stage with actors. An actor may walk onto the stage that fits your attraction profile, but your job is to kick them off the stage immediately. One way of doing that is to recognize when someone walks onto that stage and then stop that thought and develop a Mantra. "I love my wife, I am a priesthood holder, I am a great father, I am happily married.". This will distract from the thought. It doesn't matter much what you say, it's very simple, but I promise it works. If you don't get this under control it will get worse, and you will do things you should not be doing. Out of sight is not always out of mind.
Do not tell your wife.
Update...I get to be re-baptised!
in Support in Hard Times
Posted
So baptism is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. My dad will baptize me, and I'm considering asking my FIL to do the confirmation. He and I haven't got along that well since all this came out, but I think he would be willing and it might demonstrate my efforts to mend the relationship. What do you think?