Helping the Overwhelmed

[MorningStar]

A sister in my ward has been overwhelmed by one trial after another and no one can supply all the things she feels she needs. In the past, she has been so needy that people avoid her, but now I feel she truly needs some extra attention. She had gall bladder attacks during her pregnancy, had to go on a low/non-fat diet, and a month after delivery she had to have her gall bladder removed followed by another surgery two weeks later for an unfortunate problem that often happens with pregnancy - a rather embarrassing one. Her husband is back at work now, her postpartum depression is pretty bad, her baby is having problems with his formula, and she called her doctor yesterday because she was having suicidal thoughts. This is her 4th child and she said meals would be nice for a while, rides to her doctor appts. so she can keep taking her pain meds (the last surgery didn't work and she is hurting a lot), and she says the most helpful thing would be someone to come over and hold her baby when he's been crying for a long time. We have two people in our ward with cancer and one who is about to have serious brain surgery, so the majority of people's time, resources, and energy are going towards them, which is understandable.

But I am worried about this sister and will do what I can for her, but I'm afraid many people will blow her off. I'm especially nervous because she just started a new medication and sometimes that can backfire.

I'm trying to figure out how best to help her, but I realize sometimes people are on their own. When I was on crutches for 4 months, a lot of things didn't get done that needed to be and there was nothing I could do. For two weeks we had a nasty stomach flu in our house and it was a miserable time because no one could come near us. My kids were 6, 3, and 2 at the time, I couldn't leave the house without help because I couldn't chase my 2-year-old, I couldn't put him in his crib for a nap, so he just fell asleep on the floor somewhere, cleaning was extremely difficult, the kids were going stir crazy, etc., but I'm still alive. But I don't suffer from depression and I'm afraid of what this sister might do.

Any thoughts?

[Truegrits]

Does she have family that know what is going on?

[skalenfehl]

How active is your ward Relief Society and its presidency? Has her situation not been discussed at your ward's PEC meetings? This assuming your bishop is aware.

[Moksha]

(Just to add a parenthetical note, I think the Church and Church members are so wonderful for helping people the way they do. It demonstrates the true spirit of Christ.)

[Hemidakota]

Referring back to Skale comment, the best advice is to approach the RS Presidency, Home teachers, and Visiting Teachers.

[Gwen]

you said this is her 4th child, how old are the other 3?

has anyone talked to her husband about what he thinks can/needs to be done? sometimes when depressed you don't really know what you need, just something to change. he may have a clearer picture of things and what will help.

also could check with other chruches in town, we have one there that has an adopt a grandparents program for their members; most chruches wouldn't object at all to including someone like this. what grandma wouldn't love to hold a new baby for awhile each day or couldn't fix a bit extra at lunch and drop it off. if you explained how your rs' resources were already maxed i bet they would love to help where they could.

[Truegrits]

My thought was, what about the neighbors? Maybe someone could check into that for her. I know that I have had wonderful neighbors that have been there for me. Her neighbors might welcome the chance to help out. Bringing over some meals; helping with the baby/children, etc. Might be an option worth checking out.

[RachelleDrew]

I have to say that i'm very happy about your willingness to help her. It truly is our responsibility to help our brothers and sisters when they are in need. Sometimes when there are so many who need assistance a few can fall through the cracks.

To start I echo others in this thread who have said to go to your RS leaders as well as even your bishop. They wouldn't have these positions if they didn't care about their members. Going straight to the top of your authorities may be the best way to get the ball rolling, as I think members would be more likely to listen to their call for action.

If she has four children and is suffering from PPD then her situation is more dire than it may even appear. That is a LOT of stress and it could begin to negatively affect her children. I hate to be hysterical but sometimes situations like that even leads to abuse. In the case of her depression, sometimes just talking to an adult as opposed to children all day can help. For those who perhaps cannot commit to making meals and driving her to appointments, perhaps they could make an effort to call her often and swing by, even if it's just to chat for a minute. It may not seem like much, but it makes all the difference in the world.

This is something that you could even get the youth involved with. I don't see why the YW couldn't make freezeable meals for her to pop in the oven, or why some of the scouts couldn't mow the lawn or something.

It's important to try and get everyone involved, because if RS was the only group that did service to it's members then nothing would get done. I know ours is always overloaded with projects and sometimes those ladies just can't possibly get to everything and everyone.

Prayers are always helpful. This board can help in that department. Hehe. : )

[MorningStar]

Thanks everyone for the great advice! I was happy to hear that someone took her other kids yesterday, so that's helpful. They are 8, 6ish, and 2. The 6-year-old has some sensory issues and is quite difficult and the 8-year-old is pretty willful and not being especially helpful to his mom.

The RS pres. knows and she has spent a lot of time trying to encourage more independence in this sister, which a lot of people agree with, but we need to recognize the times where she really needs help. It's kind a boy who cried wolf situation. Now that she truly needs help, people aren't that quick to respond. Also, the RS pres. is the type to say "I went through that and I made it, I was depressed and I managed, I had surgery with kids and I did it on my own". Not everyone handles the same trials the same way and if anything happens to her or her baby, I wouldn't want that on my conscience. Next opportunity I get, I will ask her husband what would help the most.

Gwen, that was a great idea to check with other churches. I hope someone has a program like that. We don't have very many elderly ladies in the ward and the ones we do have still work during the day. I asked her about having some young teenagers come and she says she doesn't have the energy to train them on how to deal with her baby and he's been so difficult she hardly knows what to do with him. She's in kind of a negative frame of mind right now. I don't see how someone could come over and hold him the wrong way. :) The weather is pretty nice now. I think someone could take him for a walk in a stroller and that would give her some peace and quiet and she wouldn't have to know if he's crying.

Last night I got a hold of her visiting teacher and she was surprised by how bad she's doing now because as of Thursday, she said she was doing fine and canceled the help she asked for. Well, the RS pres. had suggested she leave her alone because she is stressed. She told me, "What? I'm not stressed!" I said, "Ohhhhh ... She must've said something that gave her that impression because I know she's trying to get her to be more self-reliant." So, they will be having a little chat about that.

People are also resistant to help because they think she should stop having children due to her postpartum issues, but she said she and her husband felt inspired to have this baby and I can't really judge their decision. But honestly, I hope this is the last child the Lord wants her to have because this has almost broken her mentally and physically.

I appreciate prayers for her too! Thank you so much.

[LegendadryPerc]

Honestly this is my pet peeve, us falible humans judging others on whether they "should" do it on their own, etc. I know the church emphasises self reliance, but there is a difference between encouraging self reliance, and lack of compassion. In reality, this is not about that sister at all. It is about you. I say you, because you are the only one who you can control how this effects you. The Lord could make her well, he could take away all her trials, he could suddenly give her all the help she needs or seems to need. He could tell you that she has all the help she could possibly need, but he hasn't. He perfectly ochestrates our lives to our best benifit. She is in your ward, or you are in hers, for a reason. You are uncomfortable with the situation for a reason. You are given the opportunity to help for a reason.

One time we had very little food, I was preg. with my 3rd, dh was in grad school, student loans had been held up for some reason - anyway, it was very hard for me to accept the fact that we needed help, but we went to the bishops storehouse anyway. This kind old man looked at me, and said, "Thankyou for blessing us with an opportunity to serve." I had been at the bottom of my self esteem, having to face my pride, and here was someone telling me I was a blessing.

Years later, we were barely making it. We live in a small town that gets very cold in the winter, so we hardly ever see a bum. But as I was leaving the grocery store, after making hard decisions on what we needed most, I saw a bum. I took all the change we had, (which was a lot for us - not much for most, lol) and gave it to him. Over and over again he said, "God bless you." Thinking of all of our very real needs at the time, I was thankful for the blessing. Then it dawned on me. The Lord had already blessed me! With so many young kids that it was a miracle every day I made it, I had no time to volunteer to help others. With so little money, that it was a miracle that we made it, I had no money to help others with. I long so much to be able to feel usefull and help others, for the thrill of making one smile. The Lord had already given me the blessing this man evoked from heaven. He was the blessing. The opportunity I had to give him all that we had. That was the blessing itself.

So, the Lord will not let something that isn't for the good of all, happen. His definition of good is eternal, not mortal, though. The Lord has blessed you with this opportunity. Will you take it?

[LegendadryPerc]

People are also resistant to help because they think she should stop having children due to her postpartum issues, but she said she and her husband felt inspired to have this baby and I can't really judge their decision. But honestly, I hope this is the last child the Lord wants her to have because this has almost broken her mentally and physically.

.

I somehow must have skimmed over this part, and missed it when I read your post. When the lord inspires someone, and commands them to do something, it is difficult enough to do it in and of itself, it is hard enough to endure the ridicule and judgement of those who are ignorant of or oppose truth, let alone to have to deal with the judgement of those who claim to worship the same God.

[Moksha]

(Just to add a parenthetical note, I think the Church and Church members are so wonderful for helping people the way they do. It demonstrates the true spirit of Christ.)

I hope nobody thinks I was smart alecky when I wrote this. I was thinking about another case in my own ward where members went the extra mile in helping out another member. Just thinking about it makes me feel proud to be a Mormon.

[christmasvalleyfarms]

I agree with Moksha. I am very proud to call myself LDS! But I also feel with what Legendadry says - one very important thing I think we can lose sight of in the midst of all our "service projects" is that what people often need most of all is not to be a project but to have a friend. If that makes any sense. In my Counseling days (B.C., before children!) I used to teach a class/workshop entitled "Skills in the Art of Caring", and have thought that maybe at times in the Church it would help us all to have something like that. "How to Be a Friend 1-A, Especially to Those That Are Hard to Be Friends to!"(!) Wasn't it President Hinckley that said the three things people need in the Church are to have a job, a friend, and to be nourished by the good word of God? Hopefully the Bishop will take care of #1, if they come to Church they can get a start on #3, but WE need to fulfill #2. People don't need us to solve all their problems. The #1 need most people have, emotionally, is just to feel valued, and HEARD. We need to just be able to listen and let someone know we hear them. We understand where they're coming from, how they feel, and we are there to "mourn with those who mourn", without judging, or attempting to "fix" them. Do you get that the "mourning with" part is listed separately from the "comfort" part? They are two different things. That's a hard one for many of us cause we want to FIX IT! I have found so many many times (as a counselor, as a visiting teacher, in any type of Church or community service, and as a parent too) that only when someone feels truly "heard" are they even ready to try to make changes. That's where I feel Legendadry has kinda hit the nail on the head - it's about compassion ("feeling with", the word literally means). I find myself surrounded with people like this sister as my closest friends, just cause other people tend to try to write them off or avoid them. Just listen; call up to see how they're doing; get to know their family, their situation, and then you can better help them explore their options and hopefully take some steps without feeling judged or misunderstood. And you know another funny paradoxical thing? They need to feel that you need them. Let them help you. Let them see your messy cupboards, so to speak, know that you're not perfect, and you need them to help you with...an upcoming activity, or picking out new curtains, or when you need to be cheered up cause you're having a bad day... You will find such beautiful miracles happen in your life and theirs as you learn to love them in this way. I only say all this stuff cause it has opened up SO many doors for me and enabled me to serve the Lord and his children in amazing ways.

[Listener]

This is a very, very honest thread. Thank you.

I noticed the comment about "neediness". If this lass has post-natal depression, she needs close supervision by mental health professionals and well as all the loving your ward can muster. It may also be that she has been depressed for a considerable period of time prior to this pregnancy. Depression often masquerades as chronic neediness.

Keep loving her, and may you be blessed for your compassion.

[BusyMom]

Check and see if her doctor and psychiatrist will write a prescription for a postpatum doula. Then see if her insurance will cover the cost. Postpartum doulas are trained in baby care, sibling care, light housekeeping, healthy diet, breastfeeding and some have training in postpartum mood disorders. This will take it outside the church and put it into the hands of a paid professional. This may help her to not feel guilty about taking someone's time. I know I help moms put together activity boxes for the kids, get meals prepped, put snacks in fridge, do light laundry and overall whatever mom needs. Some will do a suicide watch if requested and the doctor or psychiatrist should document this so the doula will get reimbursed for her time.

[Misshalfway]

Check and see if her doctor and psychiatrist will write a prescription for a postpatum doula. Then see if her insurance will cover the cost. Postpartum doulas are trained in baby care, sibling care, light housekeeping, healthy diet, breastfeeding and some have training in postpartum mood disorders. This will take it outside the church and put it into the hands of a paid professional. This may help her to not feel guilty about taking someone's time. I know I help moms put together activity boxes for the kids, get meals prepped, put snacks in fridge, do light laundry and overall whatever mom needs. Some will do a suicide watch if requested and the doctor or psychiatrist should document this so the doula will get reimbursed for her time.

I never knew there was such a thing. Absolutely wonderful! Thanks for sharing this.

[Misshalfway]

This is such a powerful thread. Thank you for the read. I so agree with what has been said. Who are we to judge another? Who are we to decide when someone has had enough help? Nobody wants to be a project. Nobody wants to go thru these types of things knowing that they make others uncomfortable or judgy. I think such reactions just increase the burden and promote isolation. I think there is a lot in the church that we do really well as RS sisters and church members. We seem to know exactly what to do when someone has a baby or a death or is moving. But with deeper emotional things, we sometimes pull back and withdraw our compassion. Or we go thru the motions and bring the dinners without extending friendship or a listening ear or and withhold our judgement when we don't understand. Should we only give when it is comfortable? Should we only extend ourselves when there are kudos on the other side? Should we only extend ourselves to those who do it the way we think they should do it? Or react the way we think they should? Who says we have to even know the nature of the problem before we serve? If someone needs their toilet scrubbed, who am I to have to know why?

I do think there is much to be gained thru reaching out and NOT needing any reward on the other side-- even if the reward is sometimes our comfort.

[MorningStar]

I am more than happy to help this sister - I just know I can't do it on my own and I'm praying that a lot more people will recognize needs. I brought her a care package the other night and she cracked up so hard. I had written some funny things on the gifts related to a boo boo she made. She's always been the type to make fun of herself and I like that quality. She also invited me to go out the other night, but I couldn't go. My husband didn't get home until 10, but I told her how much I really wanted to go.

That is a great idea about a postpartum doula! I'll suggest it. She struggles with depression constantly, but it is really bad when she has a baby. Their insurance is really good, so I think there's a good chance it's covered. I don't think hospitalizing her would be the best thing for her. Better to keep her at home. She is good at recognizing when she needs to talk to her doctor and communicating when she has those scary thoughts.

[Misshalfway]

You are so awesome, Morning! Your heart is as big as Texas!

[Elphaba]

I have been officially disabled for four years now with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, although I have had it since 2000. I was completely alone through this, because though I was unable to get out of bed on many days, people in my life (essentially my family), did not believe me.

Since then my family has helped me, especially my dear mother. She bought a house for us both to live in, knowing there was no way I would be able to work.

I mention this because your friend’s resistance to help from you and your fellow sisters actually makes perfect sense to me. She does not want people coming into the house and seeing what a mess it is, with children running around, and her energy so overwhelmed that company is just too exhausting to keep up with.

I‘d be very surprised if she wanted company, period. There is a bone-crushing exhaustion that makes conversations impossible. And we all know the truth is, if sisters did stop by now and then with food, or to take the baby for a few minutes, there are going to be those who will judge her; we‘ve all seen them. In fact, my mother has told one of “them” about my illness, and this woman, who has never met me, has told my mother all of the difficult things she has been through, and that I only need to get off my butt and quit laying around feeling sorry for myself. I’ve even experienced this here on the board.

So, until your friend realizes that you do not judge her for anything, and that your help is real, she is probably not going to “let you in.”

This takes time, and frankly, it is not easy. As I said, soon people will be judging her for not getting better sooner--and I’m sure she knows that. Thus, she is refusing help already, even though she probably desperately needs it.

I also agree with the poster who commented on her post-partum depression. Under her circumstances, I would be shocked if that went away any time soon. I don’t know what you can do, but she needs help from her husband to get her to a doctor to treat this. I agree, without treatment, there is a serious possibility of abuse.

My heart goes out to your friend. One’s health is everything! Everything! If she is not healthy, and her exhaustion is such that she cannot do what she thinks others expect of her, she will withdraw more and more, and finally fall into an abyss.

If you can get her to believe you do not judge her, she will let you help her. But only until she truly believes that.

Good luck,

Elphaba

[MorningStar]

Thank you for sharing. She is actually very open to visitors (she loves to laugh and especially enjoys funny visitors) and some help, but a lot of people don't want to help her because they feel she has exhausted too many people with requests before, so she is trying to improve in her self-reliance. She turned down her visiting teacher's help because the RS Pres. told her she was stressed out, which actually wasn't true. I think she was trying to hint to her to be more independent and said something like, "She has a lot on her plate, don't stress her out." So she said she would like meals, rides, and someone to come over and hold her baby between 12-3, but she doesn't know how she can ask for so much and she knows that I couldn't possibly do all of those things for her. I ended up over there talking about everything with her because she asked me to pick up some new bottle nipples due to the new forumula clogging the old ones (and to be honest, when I saw her name on the Caller ID, I almost didn't answer because I was having trouble with morning sickness at the moment and was afraid she would ask for something I didn't feel like I could provide, but I answered anyway). I understand why people avoid her because she has made many, many requests of me in the past, would just show up at my door with her kids, ask if she could borrow my new van on New Year's Eve day to go pick up some furniture from IKEA an hour away (my only mode of transportation), etc., and it did get to be too much, but I see right now she really needs help or something terrible could happen. People's attitude is, "So what else is new? She wants help again." It's a boy who cried wolf situation and I'm hoping more people will see that the wolf really is there this time. :)

She has improved a lot since receiving the calling she has because I think she sees now just how many needs there are and how much others in the ward are doing. As soon as she was called, she was dealing with making assignments to help two families with cancer and I kind of had to laugh when she got annoyed at another sister who wasn't being more self-reliant, expecting people to bring her and her husband meals to the hospital and go to their house to pick up their clothes and deliver them to her when her husband or other relative was perfectly capable of assisting them. Their daughter had an infection in her mouth and needed surgery, but it wasn't horribly serious. There wasn't a reason why her husband couldn't run out and pick up food or make a quick trip home. Anyway, that sister called me and said the one who is now struggling was very blunt about how they should handle it on her own and that there were two people with cancer - way more pressing needs. When she was called as compassionate service leader, people wondered what they were thinking, but I thought she was the perfect person to be called - so she could see what all goes on in this ward and the quiet service that is constantly given.

As an update, I know a couple more people who seem to recognize that she is truly in need and that is very reassuring. :)

[Misshalfway]

Elph,

Thanks for your post. I have been in similar situations and you are absolutely right! Those judgements just ruin the trust, and you can't let someone in until you trust them. So insightful.