Ensign June: Cultivating Sensitivity to Others

[Guest Username-Removed]

This is a pretty good article that I ran across. This article points out the balance between being sensitive to others, at the same time not taking offence. In my opinion, a lot of members only choose to live by the one side; not taking offence, and simply say what they want believing they are following Elder Bednar's advice. Simply saying what you want, and blaming the other person if they take offence is not the whole gospel idea as pointed out in this article.

From the June Ensign "Cultivating Sensitivity to Others"

" One sunny day I walked to my mailbox to retrieve the mail. Among the bills, I saw an envelope with my name typed on it. Excited to receive a letter, I quickly opened it. Then my hopes were shattered as I realized that someone had sent me an anonymous letter containing parenting tips. Photocopied articles explained how to say no to children and outlined the social ills resulting from parents’ failures. Obviously, the sender had noticed our son’s difficulties. What the sender apparently did not know, however, is that our son has a neurological condition related to autism. Our efforts to help this son had been extremely time-consuming and expensive—including therapy, doctors, medications, parenting classes, alternative schooling, research, conferences, and consistent routines. If only the sender had known how hard we were trying. I hurried inside to have a good cry. Fortunately, I had a friend I could call on for support. She reassured me with kind words. Still, after that I found myself looking around, wondering who was judging me."

Increase Awareness

"Unfortunately, we are often unintentionally insensitive simply because we are unaware of what others are experiencing. Ashley Henderson* stopped going to church when it seemed that the main topics of conversation surrounding her were whom she was dating and why she wasn’t married. People were probably just trying to be friendly and make conversation, but it made her feel out of place to be constantly reminded of her singleness. “I felt I didn’t belong anywhere,” she recalls. After she eventually did marry, she continued to avoid church. Then a loving and sensitive elderly couple in the ward were instrumental in helping Ashley and her husband return to the blessings of the gospel. “Their love seemed to make the big step of returning to church seamless,” recalls Sister Henderson. Several other couples in their ward also embraced the Hendersons. “I have always heard that friends are hard to come by,” says Sister Henderson. “But it seems, in our ward at least, that everyone is a friend, and no one is left out.”

Avoid Assumptions

"Often when we make assumptions about another person, we are mistaken. This is because we rarely understand the complexities of another’s life. One couple who had been unable to have children received counsel from a member of their bishopric not to put off having a family in order to accumulate wealth and enjoy “a few of the good things in life.” The bishopric member didn’t know that the couple had been trying to have children for years and was now waiting to adopt a child.

David and Shauntel Hogan also recall hurtful comments when they experienced childlessness. Sister Hogan says that experience taught her that people are not intentionally insensitive—they just have limited experience and understanding. “It’s a matter of awareness. We all need to think about what we say to others because we all experience sensitive situations of some kind. I’ve learned never to assume anything. We need to take the time to get to know people. This cultivates understanding,” says Sister Hogan."

Resist Taking Offense

"Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has suggested that when people are “inconsiderate and tactless,” we can “choose not to be offended.”3 Developing our ability to resist being offended can be an insulating factor for all of us, including those who have significant challenges. One morning I awoke to an icy scene outside my window. A wet snow had fallen and frozen during the cold hours. Little finches filled a tree where a bird feeder hung. The birds had fluffed out their feathers, making them look twice as large and protecting them from the harsh weather. It dawned on me that we can do this to protect ourselves when insensitive comments are carelessly flung toward us. We can warm ourselves with our own sure knowledge that God is mindful of us and that we are faithfully holding to His promises. And we can increase our ability to love others. Everyone deals with something difficult. We all have weaknesses. Some deficits are more obvious than others, but everyone must overcome some obstacles. Why not help each other along, build each other up, and relieve each other’s burdens rather than make the journey even more difficult with criticism?"

[WANDERER]

Nice quote from Bednar.

[PapilioMemnon]

Thanks for posting this article.

We never know or have the whole story... We need to learn to ask for clarification when we don't quite understand, resist believing that what we perceive/interpret the other is going through/saying/doing is what it is!!!

I have no doubt we must "fluff out our feathers" and resist taking offense because the we are the ones to lose if we don't!

Elder Bednar has great insights and explains them very, very well! I loved his conference address "And Nothing Shall Offend Them."

Every now and then, I reread it... It really refreshes the spirit/mind!

[Hemidakota]

Excellent article WF....

[rameumptom]

thanks for the article. My 28 year old son, who isn't married and has some socialization struggles, was once asked why he didn't date. when he said he wasn't currently interested, he was then asked if he was gay!

My son almost quit attending Church, and to this day won't speak with the family that asked such an incredibly insulting question. In public.

[Guest Username-Removed]

Im sure we all have experiences when someone was a bit insensitive (or maybe even a lot) to us. I know I have had a few of these. Its a challenge for me to try and see beyond it, and not take offence. I often have to say to myself, "well they just dont know any better". However, when we are really having difficulty, the wrong thing said at the wrong time can really hurt.

This is why this article is so good. It helps remind me that I too must be sensitive to others, be a friend, and help them through difficulties rather than judge and point fingers.

The article was also pointing out that Gossip really doesnt help anybody. Just a few weeks ago I took a few days off and wanted to spend some time with a buddy of mine in Idaho. So, I called up my Home Teacher and let him know that I was going to miss our HT appointment. Somehow he got his wires crossed and when I came back from my three day trip the rumor was that I just up and left the ward! LOL. I think they already had someone picked out to replace me in my calling too! LOL I just cracked up! Rumors - The longer they run, the more outlandish they become! Now the problem is I probably won't have the same level of trust now. Clearly, he told other people and round and round it went until it was all out of whack. So, if I ever do have a problem, I will now think twice about asking him for help. Its sad that we all have to learn the hard way.

Edited June 27, 2008 by WordFLOOD

[Misshalfway]

I think it is a challenge of the emotional flesh to not be reactive. It is something that I feel like everybody deals with. Just go to girls camp and you will know~! Hahahahah! Learning how to become sensitive to others and then learning not to be offended by things that people say is perhaps a life long battle for us humans.

I have allowed myself to become offended before. Sometimes I perhaps had grounds to be. Other times I just over-reacted because I didn't have patience to see beyond my first impressions of a comment. Either way, it seems to take a lot of energy to become and especially to stay offended.

I have also been on the other side of an offense where perhaps I said something unfeeling or inconsiderate to an individual or maybe didn't mean anything hurtful by it, but because another was too easily offended, suffering occurred on both sides.

There is something to be said for waiting until we react......or more correctly waiting before we act until we have more of the facts. And even then holding judgement in tow. Learning about a person, and allowing them to be who and what they are at that moment in time, and then learning to be sensitive to that person is something I am definitely aspiring to. But unfortunately there are just somedays when someone insists on being offended. What can a person do? I especially hate it when that person is me!! :) I suppose acquiring this sort of wisdom is what this thread is all about. What is that saying? Walk three miles in your enemies shoes, and perhaps you won't be enemies anymore.

Edited June 27, 2008 by Misshalfway

[Guest Username-Removed]

I had to re-read this again this morning. When I did some more points stuck out regarding this article ....

" “It’s a matter of awareness. We all need to think about what we say to others because we all experience sensitive situations of some kind. I’ve learned never to assume anything. We need to take the time to get to know people. This cultivates understanding,” says Sister Hogan." "

I think one of the things Im learning is that we really must get to know people. Then, how we can help will come naturally with inspiration.

[Dove]

I really appreciated the article quoted; however, I don't agree with having to know another person/understand their situation before not judging them. I feel that many things/circumstances in other people's lives are really not my business to find out, unless they tell me. A kind, non-judgmental attitude always seems appropriate to me, regardless of what a person is doing. Truthfully though, I do get hurt when people are unkind and/or rude to me, or seem to judge me. I usually see this as a sign to avoid them! What another person chooses to do in his or her own life is just that, their choice, and not really mine to control or condemn. Isn't the gospel of Christ the gospel of love/charity? I remember D&C 121, which talks about "gentle persuasion" amongst other things. I believe it is always ours to invite, rather than to condemn.

[prospectmom]

Dove it is easy to form assumptions when you don't know them

[Moksha]

Increase Awareness

Learning about other groups of people can be fun too.

Have you ever visited another faith tradition, joined a drum circle, danced around the Maypole during Beltane, etc...? Sometimes getting out of our comfort zone is necessary to see what others are about.

[prospectmom]

You are right Mosh I really like learning about others ... I especially enjoy learning about Jewish customs......

[Guest Username-Removed]

Learning about other groups of people can be fun too.

Have you ever visited another faith tradition, joined a drum circle, danced around the Maypole during Beltane, etc...? Sometimes getting out of our comfort zone is necessary to see what others are about.

Moksha,

Thanks. Im sure there are some people that would work for. For me, being inactive for a few years and a convert, I have seen a lot of the people outside the church.

I have a feeling that for me, I dont get to know people inside the church as much as I should. I hesitate in saying this, but a lot of people in the church judge to quickly - and perhaps I was one of them myself before I went inactive. Now that I am back (now for over 3 years), I'm trying to look at ways to improve what I have experienced. A lot of people in the church, simply dont trust. It doesnt seem to matter where I go, or what calling I have. Yet, they dont know me. So, my little research project is about me getting to know someone else first so I dont do the same thing to them. If everyone is walking around showing little trust in one another, how can we have a healthy ward family?

This article really hit home for me. Sometimes we see something and immediatly reason why we see what we see - without even making or attempting to make conversation. No wonder home teaching stats are low! Nobody wants to let other members into thier lives for fear of missunderstanding and rumor. Me, I dont have a lot ot lose. So, Im going to reach out to others and get to know them.

I have a feeling I'll use this new attidute in a possible new calling. Im not sure about the calling, but everything is certainly pointing that way. I'll probably know more on Sunday.

[Dove]

Dove it is easy to form assumptions when you don't know them

Right, but isn't that our problem if we judge people we don't even know? Yes, I do feel it's very important to learn about other people and cultures. I love Yoga and Buddhist principals. But, what if we learn things about them that we don't agree with, believe differently about, or that just plain rub us wrong? Is it then that we choose to judge them? Also, can we ever really fully know a person? Their heart and intent? I believe coming to know another person deeply should be attempted only with their permission, and in a spirit of acknowledging what a gift their trust in letting us know them is. And it is wonderful to learn about other cultures and different belief systems. It's always good to know these things.

[prospectmom]

We have to refer to the Articles of faith on that on....

" Ww claim the priviledge of worshipping the Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same priviledge, let them worship how, where or what they may."

Many of us forget this and judge..... I try to find the good in all religions and people..... The rest is not my concern....... :}

[Dove]

Amen...:-)

[MorningStar]

What a great post! Thank you for that. There are some subjects we need to be really careful about - having children, rearing children, and why aren't you married yet? Very sensitive subjects!

My major pet peeve is unsolicited parenting advice, especially from people who barely know me. Years ago when my 2nd son was 9 months old, he had had diarrhea for a month and we couldn't figure out why. The doctor had no clue, we started cutting out all sorts of foods (not that he was on a lot already), so I decided to go back just to breastmilk for a couple days to see if that would help. His poor bum was so raw. So I was in the mothers' lounge and this lady I barely knew came in and asked, "How old is he?" "9 months." "And how many times a day does he nurse?" "Well, right now it's about 4 times a day ...." And before I had a chance to continue, she said, "Yeah, he's too old to be nursing that much." Then she walked out. She didn't come in there with a baby or anything, so I had no idea why she went in there and I felt like crap. I already felt horrible that I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my son and here she was assuming that I'm a mom who can't ever tell her child no or something. Then when my 3rd son was born, he became pretty skinny and I took him to the doctor every week for weigh-ins and we discussed how we could help him gain weight. This same lady questioned me about it, "He's pretty skinny. Why don't you take him to the doctor?" "I am taking him to the doctor! He has a metabolism like my oldest son, but my 2nd was chubby." "No, none of your kids were chubby." Um, I think I would know better than her. Why would she think I wouldn't take my son to the doctor? Oh yeah. Because she barely knew me and never took the time to get to know me. She only talked to me when she had some judgment to make. But I kept going to church and I still make attempts to get to know her. Things have actually improved a lot. :)

[prospectmom]

Sadly ther are those who pass judgements blindly........ Like the Relief Societ Pres who told me I couldn't have any of their Husbands?????? Like I would want to.......... . Or the well meaning couple who set me up with a psyco stalker who was just the man I should marry??????? NOT..... So many blind judgements but I still know the church is true and I kill them with kindness some don't know how to take me but I'll wear them down......:}

[Guest Username-Removed]

PMom,

Exactly! Kill 'em with kindness!!! All we can do is be an example of how to be and act. I am constantly being judged myself ...

1) Why are you not married?

Answer: I just havent found the right one yet.

2) What did you do to get divorced?

Answer: I just havent found the right one yet! LOL

3) Your website (LDSReady.org) is making money off the church!

Answer: Really? where do I pick up the money at?

4) You are too old to be an Elder (haha)!

Answer: You mean I have too much grey showing?

5) You live in an apartment and you are a simpleton!

Answer: The more money I save pays for my website!

6) You spend too much time at work!

Answer: Its better than church welfare.

7) You spend too much time home!

Answer: I do? Do you follow me around?

8) You spend too much time on your calling!

Answer: How much time do you think I spend on my calling? How much is too much? Do you know, or does the Lord know?

Sometimes I think people must feel so uncertain about themselves, that they must put down someone else just to get a false feeling about their own standing.

As long as I am congruent with the spirit and I am acting on what has been given to me as being true... what does it matter what anybody else thinks? I shouldn't, but unfortunately, people are people and what they say and do does affect us. So, I try and insulate myself as much as possible from all of that.