MorningStar Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 This was a hard weekend for my mom. Her side of the family had a bit of a reunion and she hosted a gathering before the big one, and her cousin called asking if she could bring some wine or something. She was as gracious as possible and said, "I would love it if you brought some kind of beverage, but we don't serve alcohol in our home." Her cousin got really annoyed about it and hardly spoke to my mom at all, then she took her cup to her car during dinner to drink. I'm guessing she's an alcoholic, but it was still shocking that she brought her cup inside the house with alcohol in it. This is hurtful for two reasons - because it is against my mom's religion and because alcohol literally destroyed her family. It brings back horrible memories to be around it. Her brother's family came to spend the night on Saturday and his adult children flew in with their boyfriends/girlfriends. My uncle isn't active in the church anymore, but his wife is. My mom told her she absolutely didn't want any unmarried people of the opposite sex sharing a bedroom in her home, but my aunt moved a bunch of stuff around and stuck her daughter and her boyfriend in the office, compromising by leaving the door open. I know it's important to be a good hostess, but shouldn't guests respect their home? I hope I never run into a situation like this, because I don't think I would be as nice about it. I wouldn't go to the home of a Jewish person, ask if I could bring bacon, and go out to my car to eat it. I wouldn't bring steak to a vegetarian's home and be annoyed if they didn't want it there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 Concur....I would not be hostile but would not allow such in our home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted June 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 It was really awkward for her because when bedtime came, it was just her with her wishes and 8 people who think it's no big deal for my cousin and her boyfriend to share a room. They only come here about once every 10 years, so you don't want to make a stink or have them become offended and make a stink themselves. I just don't understand the lack of the respect. They should consider her feelings when she has knocked herself out preparing for them to arrive, cooking for them, cleaning, etc., especially considering her health problems. She was dreading it all week because she knew these issues would arise. Her cousin with the alcohol thought no one noticed what she was doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prisonchaplain Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 "I'm sorry, but I thought you understood that I wanted no alcohol in my home. Also, as I told you before, unmarried couples cannot share a bedroom in my house. Thank you for understanding." It's extremely hard...especially with family. But, imho, there's not much to lose here. Disrespect has already been shown. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiannan Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 If it's your home your rules/wishes should be respected. I would think people would feel akward doing things they know the host/hostess are not in approval of -- and religion, or lack of, should not even matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted June 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 I know I would be really embarrassed to do something offensive in the home of someone who is offering me food and shelter. If I can't handle it, I could go somewhere else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jbs2763 Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 i dont think this is an issue of religious boundries....just a pure matter of respect.... and the buttheadness of some people to show disrespect..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted June 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 Good point. I feel so bad for her because she always feels like she's the prude around her family who won't let anyone have any fun. She is really disappointed in her brother and his wife for allowing the co-ed sleeping and she just didn't know how to handle her cousin because she rarely sees her and doesn't know her well. I had never met her before. If my alcoholic cousin had done that, I would've felt like I could say something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bookmeister Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 (edited) I'm the only member of the church in my family. Everyone has been truly unpleasant about it for a long time, with the exception of my wife. She wishes I weren't a member, either, but at least she doesn't make an issue of it. On the other hand, we just don't invite people over...LOL. Edited June 30, 2008 by Bookmeister typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candyprpl Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 (edited) It's very sad how the Adversary can get in there and reak havoc on families!!!! I can't imagine being so disrespectful!! I sheepishly have to say that years ago before I was a member I lived with my boyfriend and when (one year) we went back home to visit my parents and sisters and their families it never crossed my mind to demand a single room for my boyfriend and myself. Even my father always the one who didn't want to make an issue out of things came up to me and said that we could have my old room. I told him "no" because I knew how the family felt about us living together. And when this boyfriend and I got married we served both champagne and sparkling cider for my side of the family. We didn't make an issue out of anyone's beliefs. And if a member of my family still didn't want to come because of the alcohol I would have understood or we would have simply not had it. It was a great day and everyone was very happy. My mom and dad were not LDS but they still had standards. My mother smoked and my husband and I didn't allow smoking in our house. If we had guests that were smokers we would go outside and visit with them while they smoked. The first time my parents came to visit (and I had already told my mother of our rule), she was very upset that we asked her to go outside to smoke. It was done in a nice manner -- I think she was just surprised that we didn't make an acception for her. Needless to say all visiting after that was done at my parents. Ok. Better that kind of compromise than brecking up a family. Their is nothing wrong with sticking to one's standards, especially if they're the Lord's standards. It's unfortunate if some want to make it an uncomfortable situation. Edited July 1, 2008 by candyprpl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted July 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 Well, I doubt she will ever host again. She got talked into it. They wanted to have the 4th of July at her house and she said they probably wouldn't like it because she wouldn't allow drinking. My uncle got bent out of shape that she thought they couldn't enjoy it without alcohol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candyprpl Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 That is sooooo sad! She will be blessed for keeping her standards intact. I know it may not seem very comforting to know that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UintahJack Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 It seems like just about everybody agrees with your sentiments, as do I. The problem is we often assume people think like us and that they would respect our rules and wishes just like we would theirs. I finally realized after many similar experiences that it's like some people are from different planets and they just don't think the same way we do, which is especially tough when it is family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WANDERER Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 Oh dear, they don't have a lot of comprehension or self-control do they. The cousin going outside...what a gesture towards the rules of the house, treating alcohol like going outside to have a smoke... *eeek*. How very....adolescent. The car location as a place to drink is somewhat sad. This is not a normal behaviour in regards to alcohol consumption by any means. Would you do it a children's party or a school function or at work or a sporting event or a street parade...there are plenty of occasions where alcohol is not featured and self-restraint is required. The aunt may have had difficulties with getting her young adult children to behave, and had problems with getting them to agree on the open door. Secular people trying to work around religious boundaries while still trying to maintain that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing...why make those kinds of points...it doesn't really take that much effort to show some respect for the duration of a visit. Considering their behaviour, I think it was rather a major thing that they gathered together at all and managed to not have a huge confrontation. Accepting the inevitability that they will push the boundaries further on subsequent gatherings has to be acknowledged. You would think that since it was their choice of venue that they would accept the restrictions that go with it. How would they feel if their guests did not abide by their house rules? They invite this with their behaviour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avrham Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 if you walk into my home you need a passbook its like walking into another kingdom you are entering at your own risk my boundaries start at the gate i should even put my flag at the front i usually have friends who share the same values so their is nothing that is that much out of the ordinary i try to respect peolpe outside my home so they hopefully respect me at home in my natural enviroment (scary thought that) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aphrodite Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 This is quite a difficult situation as you are torn between keeping your standards, yet respecting your family's choices. I personally wouldn't want alcohol in my house or smoking. I wouldn't have a problem with anyone sleeping together if they weren't married tho, I dont see any problem with that. The alcohol and smoking may affect me directly, but sleeping in the same room as your partner-that does not affect me atall. I think the way around it would be to be really open and approachable-like rather than just laying down the rule,saying something along the lines of, 'listen eceryone, I really have no problem with you doing X, Y and Z. However, I feel uncomfortable with it in my house. If you wish to do this, please feel free, but not in my home. Thanks for understanding everyone!!!' It looks like this did not work with your Mum. People can be so rude. Yet if she puts her foot down she looks like the baddie. Its hard. I think members are so hell-bent on people respecting their wishes that they forget they need to respect other people too! If the Uncle and the grown up kids have not been active for years, would it have crossed their minds you had a problem about them sharing a room? Were they warned before they came over? That way there's no misunderstandings. My Sister and her boyf live together. My Dad is not happy about it but he accepts its her choice. Im not sure he would agree to them sleeping together under his roof tho. However, we are all thinking about going on holiday together and he knows he cant do anything about it then, he has to accept her choice. I think as long as members dont come across as preacy or demanding, just respectful yet firm-thats the way to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted July 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 I don't know. It's not really about telling people how to live - I wouldn't go to their house and tell them I don't want them sharing a room or that they can't drink in their own house. My mom's brother and wife raised their kids in the church and this is why I find it especially annoying that they don't understand why she would object to an unmarried man and woman sharing a room. I could see why they would think it was weird if they weren't raised that way at all, but I would still ask them to respect my home. At one point they said they were thinking about getting a hotel, but they still chose to stay at my mom's knowing what the conditions would be (or what she had asked them to be in advance). Kind of sneaky to show up at 11pm and suddenly spring it on her that they're going to sleep in the office, epsecially with their active mom being the orchestrator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 Or put it bluntly - MY HOUSE, MY RULES: NO SLEEPING IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted July 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 She could've told them to sleep in the back yard together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 Or try a motel room.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 Morningstar, I would suggest your Mom kindly explain to her family that she felt she was not fully respected in her home rules that she applies to EVERYONE, including guests and strangers. If they want her to host in the future, they will have to accept her guidelines in advance, or for those who insist on their lifestyle choices to stay in a hotel elsewhere. She needs to let everyone know that she understands and appreciates that most of the family members respected her wishes. But it only takes one bad apple to ruin the whole batch, and unless she receives assurances, there won't be a next time. The other option is to invite those who do respect her rules, and let the others know why they aren't invited back to stay at her home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 This is quite a difficult situation as you are torn between keeping your standards, yet respecting your family's choices. I personally wouldn't want alcohol in my house or smoking. I wouldn't have a problem with anyone sleeping together if they weren't married tho, I dont see any problem with that. The alcohol and smoking may affect me directly, but sleeping in the same room as your partner-that does not affect me atall. .It would bother me, especially if I have children in the home. In my opinion, breaking the law of chastity is usually a bigger issue than a word of wisdom issue. While I can be kind and accepting of them as people, I do not have to acknowledge or accept their lifestyle choice. I would have stepped in and kindly said, "here are my house rules. You are welcome to stay in separate rooms, or you are welcome to get yourself a hotel room." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aphrodite Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 we are all different and have different opinions. Just because they are sleeping in the same bed doesnt mean they will necesarilly breaking the law of chastity tho. I 'slept' with lots of men before I got married thru camps, sleepovers etc. I shared a bed with my hubby before we were married when we got stranded in a city one night. I also shared a bed with my ex. I never 'broke' the law of chastity tho. Thats wy I dont have a problem with it. I think members think if u are sleeping in the same bed (even just one night) you must be having sex. However, I respect peoples right to prohibit this in theIr homes. I just said I personally dont have a prblem with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 Maybe she knows the couple actually does have sex, or maybe she wanted to avoid the appearance of evil. Whatever the case may be they should have respected her rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StallionMcBeastly Posted July 1, 2008 Report Share Posted July 1, 2008 That would make me very angry, and I wouldn't stand for it in my house. You should've kicked them out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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