phantom_heart Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Last month my husbands mum died. She sufferd from a brain tumour. My hubby is 20 and has problems of his own but anyway. His mum and him were at odds for a good year. BUT we already set stuff in motion to get them talking again. When she got sick both myself and my husbands relationship with her changed. Everyone was happy she liked me i liked her. She forgave my husband or so i thought. Yesterday we got told there is going to be no reading of the will because she has no assets. My husband can come and pick up a cheque for $2500. His sister however gets $100 000. She did this because she wrote her will when she was mad a nick. If his sister had died within 30 days of His mum, nick wouldn't have gotten anything. Her neibours kid would have gotten 100 000!! I am so upset for my husband. She was better off leaving him nothing than giving him a 2000 dolloars and stating among other things in the will that it was because he didnt finish college. My husband turned to me and said "Do you see why i couldnt cry at the funeral? this was my mum, this was how she treated me" It also states in her will that the 2000 is payment for money my hubby lent her awhile back. I'm trying to find good in this trying to turn it around but even the exsecutor or the will who was his mums close friend said "It was just one final jab at you, i was there when she wrote it and she wanted you to be hurt" I'm having a really hard time. I dont know what to tell my husband who has now just gone completely in to himself. He's so upset. Also i dont think he cares about the money but the hurt behind it. What do i do? Any advise that I can share with my hubby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 That is so hurtful. I'm sorry to hear that she did that. My great grandmother was 97 when she died and her funeral was the worst (a small one with just family) and everyone was struggling to find something nice to say about her. She was "determined" (aka stubborn and was always right). She always had ice cream. Her house always smelled like coffee. Then little by little, others got up and said, "Actually, I didn't get along with her." My dad's cousin shared how she was on a trip visiting her and while she was driving my great grandma's very old car, it broke down, she yelled at her and accused her of "driving it wrong". It was a very depressing thing to witness, but a lesson that you have your whole life to make yourself a better person and you'd better not waste it - death isn't going to make you a saint. She was always selfish and in the nursing home, she shut off her roommate's oxygen machine because she didn't like the noise it was making (maybe she wasn't aware, but it was typical for her only to think of herself). If I were your husband, I would take that $2000 and put it towards something nice that she never would have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miztrniceguy Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 so sad! i can't say anything else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 I'm having a really hard time. I dont know what to tell my husband who has now just gone completely in to himself. He's so upset. Also i dont think he cares about the money but the hurt behind it.You can do what my dad did. He was also jabbed - by his wife (my mom). After he spent a faithful decade by her side as her caregiver as she descended down into the pits of multiple sclerosis. She was mean, spiteful, and suspicious throughout their marriage - always thinking that he'd married her for her money. So she didn't leave him anything.He did not complain. He didn't even seem to be surprised. He realized (we all did), that she had been mentally imbalanced for a long time, and wasn't able to tell the difference between friend and foe. He understood that her suspicious nature came from a darkness in herself - a refusal to admit that she was worth anything at all. From her distorted and unhealthy point of view, she was such a terrible failure as a wife and a human, nobody would every want to be with her for any reason besides her money. My dad understood something very important: His wife's judgement of him did not reflect reality. It reflected the inner workings of her own tortured mind. So he took the snubbing for what it was - a final act of someone who was too ill to see what a good man he was.I grew up hearing my dad use a certain phrase. Phantom, why don't you tell your hubby this phrase, and see if it's something that fits his relationship with his mom. Here's the phrase:"I love ya honey, but you're nuttier than a fruitcake!"LM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VisionOfLehi Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Love him. Love him as much as you can and let him know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prisonchaplain Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 The one piece of hope, humanly speaking, is that his mother was sincere in the reconciliation, but that with all that was going on in her life, she simply forgot to update her will. Regardless, Loudmouth's counsel is so wise. We have to know who we are, and what our relation is with God. Just as we have agency in that relationship, we have it with our human relationships. If we've done all we can to love, we are not responsible for our people--even family--respond to us. I hope and pray that your hubby can give his mother over to God, and not allow bitterness to eat at him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susieSA Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 I am so sorry to hear about what you & your husband are going through... I agree with pc's words about bitterness.... A few years ago my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer... He didn't last very long at all... I really really really wanted to go visit him before he died.. But I could not afford the plane ticket (to Switzerland) so I asked if they would help me out... I knew that they could afford it.... They said no... I was so hurt... It was like they didn't want me there & that hurt so much... My grandfather died about a month later.. .I did get to talk to him before he was not able to anymore... I still had bad or hurt feelings then... Even after my grandfather died I had these feelings towards my grandmother... This went on for maybe 2 or 3 years - every time I spoke to my grandmother I was short with her or kept the convo short.. She probably didn't notice but I felt it... My point is that these bitter feelings affected my relationship with my grandmother & one of my aunts over this time.. I am not sure if it will be what it was before... I am not sure what other relationships it did affect... Your husband won't have to hear his mother talking to him in that way ever again.. But it will be in his head.... He might consider going to see someone to get over those feelings... And as VOL said... "Love him. Love him as much as you can and let him know it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 If I were your husband, I would take that $2000 and put it towards something nice that she never would have.This is absolutely what I would do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lchri134 Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 This is such a sad thing to have to go through. My grandmother is the same kind of person, and as my dad says even though she has done so much things to hurt him, he thinks about her life as someone who only cared about herself and manipulated and pushed others out of her life, and he feels sad for her. Even putting all the mean things that she has done to him and his brother and sisters together, it does not equal the sad and lonely life that she has lived, she has no one now, and she made it that way. I would say try and forgive her, although it would be very difficult. Holding on to the anger that comes from a situation like this does not hurt the person you are angry at it only hurts yourself. I would say just use this as an example of a person you don't want to be and try to move on the best you can. I totally agree with using the money towards something nice. best of luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WillowTheWhisp Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 How very sad. I do not understand how people can be so cruel to each other. I hope that your husband can find peace by using the money for something good and perhaps try to remember that at the end she was trying to become the person she really knew she was inside, and that wasn't the person who was mean enough to leave him just $2,500 and his sister $100,00. How does the sister feel about it? Does it make her feel bad to have received so much more too? I hope it doesn't cause resentment between them.It's hard to let go of something which hurts so much and I hope that you will be able to help your husband to do so. It sounds like his mother was the loser in the end because she denied herself the relationship she could have had with him and with you. Maybe she had started to realise that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Over43 Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 My great aunt passed away some 7 years ago. She was a "mizer". She left everything to my sister and dad (which certainly was fine). I did get a Caribbean cruise from her in the end and was as happy as could be with that (Plus a dinner at Scoma's on the wharf, that was her gift to everyone on the day of her funeral). My sister ended up with $1,000,000+ dollars. My parents (I believe) got the two flat house in San Francisco which today is probably approaching $1,000,000. And to be fair, my dad asked me if I wanted it. I did, but my wife had a fit at the thought of living in the City by the Bay. (I even told her there were Wards there). So my parents sold it. What is frustrating about the whole thing, is not that my brother or I didn't get the "million", but that my sister is now living with my parents because she is flat on her butt broke and her credit is destroyed. I can honestly say I would rather have seen my cousins get the WWII war bonds that were sitting in lunch sacks in the closet than my sister. If you want to see "mean spirited"? My sister is angry and abusive now to my parents and grandpa (who's 88). She inherited the "Golden Goose" and is angry because she's broke, and is blaming them. There is something to be said for earning your living by the "sweat of your brow". Jon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phantom_heart Posted July 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 Sorry its taken so long to get back to everyone. Thank you for your kind words and some sad tuching storys. Its nice to know we are not alone. We took 500 of that money and are "blowing it" on whatever we want to do. We have put the 2000 into a savings account and we are going to start saving 100 from every pay check. So we are going to make that money grow. As for his sister? She's a little younger still technically a minor but not for long. She doesnt really care. Its sad to see that but she doesnt. She's got lots of money now and the person she's saying with doesnt care what she does with it so i dont know whats going to happen there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adeipho Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 · Hidden Hidden take the 2 thousond dollars, have her body dug up and feed it to a white tiger!! Link to comment
phantom_heart Posted July 7, 2008 Author Share Posted July 7, 2008 · Hidden Hidden take the 2 thousond dollars, have her body dug up and feed it to a white tiger!!How could you say something like that!! I am very offended! That is not funny! Not at all!!! She may have been no saint in life but i would NEVER think to speak about anyone that way! I am very hurt and very upset!!!! Link to comment
Guest Seraphim Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 · Hidden Hidden take the 2 thousond dollars, have her body dug up and feed it to a white tiger!! Adeipho: That was in very poor taste. Please be more sensitive.Seraphim Link to comment
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