Aging Parents - GUILT!!!

[christmasvalleyfarms]

I'm having a really tough time today and need some advice from those of you who have successfully dealt with aging parent issues, specifically parent living with your family? My mom moved in with our family (her decision, not ours...) about 6 years ago. It has been really hard, making the necessary adjustments, and today I am failing like the most selfish, evil, hypocritical failure because she packed up her stuff and left and is trying to find some other options "because I don't want to help her." And she doesn't really have too many; I"m her only child, and she hasn't chosen to make/cultivate much in the way of friendships or other attachments. She's very emotionally needy (always has been but it's just exacerbated lately as she's gotten older and had pneumonia several months ago) and I was absolutely drowning in the role of being her "everything", and being reminded of how much she has given and sacrificed and always been there for me and how much she needs me now, and trying to make our life/home/lifestyle conform to her needs/wants; my kids are teenagers and also couldn't handle grandma's clinginess very well anymore either. I am exhausted with trying to run interference between her and them, try to keep her from "raising" them the way I was raised, which I really have issues with - I've really dealt with some horrible anxiety/self-confidence issues as a result and don't want them to. She drives them crazy because she is constantly offering "helpful" advice. - She has some health issues which consume all her thought process, and which she constantly reminds us of, that she is sick and needs the dog locked up so he won't bark and keep her up nights, for example, or needs someone to sleep in her room with her at night, or whatever. I've tried to remind her she is healthier than any other 84 year old I know. She has become increasingly more unwilling to be alone, even during the day, and has always been very inflexible and unwilling to change or consider other ways of looking at things.

I need someone to slap me and remind me how to lovingly deal with a situation like this - I have been nothing but frustrated and crabby and fed up lately, and could sure use some success stories or ideas on how you've dealt with this or maybe even really well deserved calls to repentance. I know it's my responsibility to take care of her; and I feel so so SO GUILTY! I really try to be a giving person and am the type that volunteers to visit teach all the inactives, do service, etc., so I really feel like such a hypocrite. Then I read things here about people who have had truly abusive parents, and still forgive and carry on and do the right thing - all she has been guilty of is being rather emotionally dysfunctional and smothering, but she means so well. She is not a member, and hates the Church - only her anxiety about being alone has finally brought her to some Church activities with us, though she finds some way to not attend Church on Sunday - runs all her errands at that time.

Sorry to whine - just having a really hard time today! Slap me!!!

[Hemidakota]

After reading this, I think you already slapped yourself. Make it point to help your mother no matter the personal feelings.

[RainofGold]

Christmasvalleyfarms,

Your situation is so much like mine is almost scary. For a moment I thought you were describing my mom. I knew it wasn't her when you said you were an only child. My mom had six daughters and 2 sons. She has being living with one of my sisters for almost a year, and just the other day she said someone else had to start preparing because she could only take her for a year. And I'm terrified it might be me. She has stayed with me in the past for three months at a time because thats all I can manage. Last time she stayed with me I almost had a nervous breakdown. I also have to teenagers who can't seem to handle the situation with her really well. I am consumed with guilt because I don't want my turn to come. I almost dread the day that she has to come live with me. She has a lot a health issues but that is not a problem, the problem is she is very, very needy and clingy like your mom. She does a lot of emotional blackmail. Gets in everyones lives, is very judgmental and criticizes everyone around her. I was very depressed and had a lot of anxiety when she stayed with me, it feels like she wants to take you down the black hole that she feels she is in. I know that everyone goes through this and taking cake of your old parents is not a day in the park. But how about when they drained you emotionally, when you know she was a single parent and she reminds you that she fed you, raised you and gave her life for you??

Sorry I know that you were looking for advice and I'm not giving you any. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this. I thought I was the only one with an impossible mom and the only one feeling that I'm going straight to hell for being a selfish and evil daughter.

Edited September 9, 2008 by RainofGold

[NeuroTypical]

Here's your friendly slap: At the end of the day, your mother has exactly, precicely the amount of power over you and your happiness as you give her. Some folks live their lives without ever coming to grips with this truth. It sounds like you might be in the process of coming to grips with it right now. As you very well know, this truth can be both incredibly freeing, and dang terrifying.

It's not about love. It's about healthy boundaries. It's about refusing to take the blame for your mother's misery. It's about ridding your life of unhealty misplaced guilt brought on by a miserable manipulative person who is the grand master of laying a guilt trip on you. (And if you're married, it's about being the wife you're supposed to be - by leaving thy mother, and cleaving only to thy husband.)

Sounds like you know all this already, which is why you asked for your slap. So consider it given! :)

Stay strong. I know it's hard.

LM

[Truegrits]

christmasvalleyfarms...I have been where you are. My mother was in the end-stage of Parkinson's Disease when Daddy was no longer able to care for her. She was suffering from delusions, paranoia, hallucinations. She also became verbally and physically abusive...(weighing only 88 lbs., she was unable to do too much damage). There were many times I was angry at her; there were more times I was in tears...for her and her suffering and for myself. They were challenging years on many levels.

My mother died in March of this year. I was thankful that her suffering had ended. I was more thankful that I had been there for her, when she most needed it. I will never regret those years, no matter how hard they were. I do, however, know I would have regretted NOT being there for her.

Individuals and circumstances are different...but I have always felt, if at all possible, that children should be there for their parents. I think the rewards are greater than the sacrifices.

[StrawberryFields]

Well, your story makes me really aware of what I don't want to become in my old age. I would like to learn to be independent but I see myself growing old with my husband, which I hope we will be able to stay together until the end.

Now a different point of view five years ago I lost my mom at the age of 63. Five months ago I lost my father at the age of 72. I really long for the days when they could be a pain in my side. With my mom she was sick for a few years then diagnosed with cancer and was gone within a month. My dad was diagnosed with cancer eight years ago then he was given six months to live six months before he died. I have a lot of guilt for not giving my "all" to my mom years before she died. She was what I considered needy too yet I was busy raising my family and when she would ask for me to come and see her I would say I will just not today kind of thing. I still hear that echo though my mind from time to time. With my dad, I learned what not to do because of what I went through with my mom. I was readily available for my dad and maybe at times a little too much but now that he is gone I have no regrets that I didn't do all that I could for him. To me you sound like you have given your mom a lot even at the risk of your own family. You have had her for 6 years and I am sure those were difficult times for you. I also feel like she needs to respect you and your families life. You are generous to give of everything you have but there needs to me some rules that she follows.

I have learned over the years that we are who we are based on our lives teachings. I am not saying you are doing anything wrong but have you tried to look at your mother for her life and what it has taught her? You mentioned health issues... Could it be that she doesn't want to be alone bc she feels like she is dying? I know more about my mother because I have learned about her childhood since she has been gone. Sure she was negitive about some things but in looking back she had a lot of negativism thrown her way. I look back at her mom (my grandma) and remember sometimes when she made me feel pretty small and I think she was like that with my mom. I know that my mom could only be accountable for the knowledge that she had at the time and she didn't have a lot of joy.

If she doesn't have a lot of options can you talk to her about a few key points, which are pushing you over the edge? It appears that your mom is trying to take the role of a victim and if anything she is so lucky to have you and your family to keep her company at times. I wonder if she see's that clearly.

I think you are a wonderful daughter.:)

[countrygirl66]

Hi. I hope I don't get in trouble for my thoughts on this. My parents are both gone mom for about 15 years and dad 18. When my dad died he was in the hospital for about 2 1/2 months before he died. I had a 6 month old baby at the time and was working full time I tried to be wife, mom, employee and daughter and all I ended up being was stressed out all the time and short tempered. It came full circle when I was driving to work and fell asleep on the road. I was lucky and didn't crash or anything just kind of drove off the road. In looking back with my dad I don't regret any time I spent with him at all but I also beleive that he now understands why I couldn't always be there. What I'm saying is don't be afraid to take a break from you mom. It doesn't mean you don't love her. You will probably have more patience if you do. They're daycare (probably not a good word) places that parents can go and you can get a break. She may balk about going but remember as you would with your children they don't always appreciate that your doing what is best for them. The best thing you can do for your mom is keep yourself sane. My mom lived with me for about 3 months. It was hard. She would do things like call me at work and say I want coleslaw from KFC a hamburger from AC and a drink from the gas station for dinner. I would do it and be very frustrated in the process. For one I couldn't really afford it and two it made an hour late getting home and I had two little boys at this point. She would critisize how I cooked things (say things like I guess some people would like to eat that). She would even critisize the pajamas I put my kids in. I have no regrets about having her there, but I have come to realize she was probably bored out of her mind and didn't feel very needed. If I could go back I would go the the bishop or whoever and ask for a high priest couple or older visiting teachers with a lot of patience just for her. I would take a break so that I could enjoy her more, I found I was short on patience and I feel bad about it now. The comfort is that she had a mother too and was once in my shoes. I think it must be hard to know that you once were in charge of everything and now you have no place in the world. Take care. Hope you find some peace in your life.

[Over43]

I have an 88 year old grandfather. I moved "away" from the family 6 years ago 800+ miles away. When I lived near him, and the rest of my family I spent my Saturdays at his house mowing, trimming, thinning fruit trees, etc. No one else offered to help. I would drive him to his Dr.'s appointments after

I got off work if my step grandmother couldn't do it. It got tiring but I did what needed to be done. Then a job opportunity arose, and I took it. Guilt and all. Currently I talk to him weekly. He tells me how he is, he tells me he needs to sell his home because no one will come and help. I still feel guilty. When I visit I spend time mowing, and doing "chores" that need to be done, and yes, we still go to the Dr.'s. I'm not sure where the line is drawn between taking care of a family member and trying to live out one's life without being "selfish". My brother tried doing what I did for a month and told me, "No wonder you moved!" which made me feel even more guilty.

[jjrogers]

Okay, I have totaly issues in this area as well. At this time I am not having to take care of my parents. However it is getting really old to have my mother tell me that we owe it to her and my dad to take care of them and that the church says we have to. Please understand that she was abusive and neglectful growing up and does not respect boundries. I don't feel like I owe her anything. I definately don't need her in my home, making my life hell. My siblings and I have talked. We will either all chip in and pay for her to be in a home, or one of my brothers has offered to take her in when the time comes and we will send him money. I don't think we owe our parents to take care of them. Especially when my mother has made no effort to set things up to take care of herself. She wants us to all chip in and pay 3800 dollars for new hearing aids for my dad, while she is still buying stuff she doesn't need off of ebay.

[Over43]

Okay, I have totaly issues in this area as well. At this time I am not having to take care of my parents. However it is getting really old to have my mother tell me that we owe it to her and my dad to take care of them and that the church says we have to. Please understand that she was abusive and neglectful growing up and does not respect boundries. I don't feel like I owe her anything. I definately don't need her in my home, making my life hell. My siblings and I have talked. We will either all chip in and pay for her to be in a home, or one of my brothers has offered to take her in when the time comes and we will send him money. I don't think we owe our parents to take care of them. Especially when my mother has made no effort to set things up to take care of herself. She wants us to all chip in and pay 3800 dollars for new hearing aids for my dad, while she is still buying stuff she doesn't need off of ebay.

That is an incredibley difficult situation. I didn't know this for many years, but when I was born I was quite ill. (I knew that actually.) What I didn't know was that my parents basically handed me to my grandparents. When I turned the corner I went back to them. However, it was not always pleasant growing up. (Which most of us face...life isn't a Church video.) Maybe that's why I appear to have more of a connection with my grandparent. I face the same issue with in-laws. My M-in-L has been "unpleasant" over the years. But now they are in their 60's and moved "down the road" after we had moved 800 miles away from everyone. So I forsee us taking care of them also. To add to that, longevity runs in both sides of our families. My wife and I could have 30 years of "helping out".

O43

[piper]

As I read some of the posts here, I can see a common thread that I have have seen many times in the course of my professional career. Sometimes what adults think of as feeling guilty for not being able to care for a parent etc is not in a true sense guilt. What I have seen is that many adults have a great longing for approval from their parents (or parent). This often comes from never feeling like they could ever do anything completely right or to the measure required by a parent. Some people hold on to this their entire lives trying always to please the parent and get an expression of commendation from them. This can go so far as to impact their spouse and children negatively as they may neglect them while trying to get the approval from the parent and certainly results in feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness and loss. It is a very hard thing to realize that you can give everything you have to give and more and it may not ever be enough to gain this approbation. Especially if the parent shows no or little gratitude for the efforts you have put forth. It may even be harder to learn to say something like, If I could do anything more to help you I would, but I have done all I'm able. And realize at that time that you have helped them with what you can, i.e. love, compassion, perhaps food, clothing, shelter, support etc. The baggage they carry you may not be able to help them with other than to refer them to professional help if they will go. "Therein the patient must minister unto himself". And somehow, you must gain the peace in yourself to realize the good you do and have done. And if possible take comfort in the time you have been able to spend with your parent(s),

This is a very difficult circumstance and I definitely feel compassion for you all that have expressed your hurt. My prayers are with you and I hope that you can find the peace you need. You can love and care for someone and yet not be able to take away their pain or meet all their perceived needs as you have seen. The Lord will give you strength to do what you need to do even if what you need to do is not what your parent thinks you should do. Take care.

[Wingnut]

I have two sets of advice.

First, to those of you reading this thread who are not yet in this situation: talk to your siblings and parents now. Find out what your parents want and expect. Do they plan on having their children take care of them? Or are they okay with a nursing/convalescent home? Or a combination of both (family until you can't do it anymore, then nursing home). Find out from your parents what they hope for before they get there, and before they turn crabby (even if they already are, old age and illness will only exacerbate that). Then talk to your siblings. Does one child have more resources, abilities, willingness, or desire to take care of the parents? Will the other children be able to help out financially? These are things that should be discussed and arranged well in advance. Then, when the time comes that your parents may need to move in, set some ground rules. No calling to request food from three different fast food restaurants. Specific guidelines with regards to your children. Things like that. If you are taking care of them, the roles have reversed to a degree, and like children, they will need boundaries if everyone is to retain their sanity and happiness.

My second piece of advice is to christmasvalleyfarms. You say that your mother has already packed up and left. This may be a blessing in disguise. Do you know if she is willing to go into a professional care facility? I don't know if she is sick enough to qualify for a nursing home, but there are other senior home options available. If she is, perhaps it's time to discuss that option. Start the application process, and let her move back in while things move along. If she's not, then you need to hold a family council with your spouse and children to discuss if you are willing to care for her in your home again. If the consensus is 'yes,' then you need to establish ground rules (like I mentioned above). Discuss with your family what changes they would like to see before grandma comes back. Discuss compromises that can be made on both sides of the aisle. Then go to your mom, tell her she's welcome to come back, but things will be a little different. You can tell her that she will have the support and love of the entire family, but that you all have some guidelines and boundaries you would like to establish this time around. If she's unwilling to accept those terms, then you should help her find alternative resources.

Finally, still to christmasvalleyfarms, do not berate yourself. Six years is a long time. These have been some of the most formative years of your children's lives. You have given a lot. You have sacrificed much. You and your family have suffered. Your responsibility is to your immediate family. If you cannot serve them as a spouse and parent because you are too focused on and consumed with being a child, then you need to re-evaluate your priorities.

[lilered]

My counsel would be to view this from a religious perspective. The Savior taught us to honor and respect our earthly parents, knowing that what we become depends largely upon what we receive from them. We are counseled to "Honor our Mother and Father, that our days may be long on the earth".

The Lord was pretty clear in his teachings what and how we should deal with our parents. Now that I have said that, I also believe that in your case, if you do everything you can do to comply with his commandments in this regard, then seek the Lord in prayer daily, to help you with the rest and he will do so. Have you ask the Relief Society for a little help once in awhile to give you a break which will give you some temporary relief. Good luck

[mightynancy]

Wow! Unless I'm reading this wrong, the guilt trips are flying thickly around here! The exception is the post from WingNut, who offers good advice.

As a daughter, you are indeed obligated to ensure that your mother is looked after. You are absolutely NOT obligated to do that looking-after yourself. Your mom may or may not mean well, but the end result is destructive to you and your family unit. Is she on any medications that could be making her emotional problems worse? Or is there a failure to receive treatment (medication and or therapy) for emotional imbalance or dementia?

Please do not feel bad that she is out of your home. Enjoy the freedom to raise your own family, while finding your mother a suitable placement in assisted living.

[MarginOfError]

MOE's official advice: Put her in a nursing home and/or assisted living. Visit her no less than once a week. When she starts guilt tripping you, tell her that if she continues, you'll start reducing your visits to the obligatory once a week visit.

I agree that we should take care of our parents to the best of our ability. But under no circumstances should taking care of our parents impede our happiness. (Note, impeding convenience is not the same as impeding happiness, and this situation truly sounds like impeding happiness).

This dynamic being discussed here is still relatively new. Today's middle aged are being thrust into this unique position of being asked to care for their parents who are living longer and with greater health needs than any previous generation. The social and cultural norms about how much a child should give back to their parents and what boundaries should be respected are still very much in debate.

[Joette]

I have the opposite problem my Mother is too independent.She has had to be after having my Dad die when she was a young wife & Mother of five.

Now she has several health problems & her mobility,her breathing & eyesight is not good.

She still tries to cope like she always has.

I also live several hundred miles away.I keep in touch by telephone & I send in an occasional

on-line grocery delivery.If she needs house maintance then we arrange it between us all or we pay somebody to do it for her.

I worry about her future as she would hate to be a burden to anybody.I think I will be the one to take care of her as I have the most flexible lifestyle,the training & experience.

She is a very patient patient & is grateful for any small thing you can do for her.

She has indicated she will go into a care home if she becomes too incapacitated although I would hate that for her.

I'm glad my Dad went young I think he might have been the snipey ungrateful type of eldery parent!

[fish4kitty]

My Dad is getting"funny" in his later years also. Not easy to deal with. Just know this that everday is a blessing. You get out of it what you want to get out of it. I will be praying for you to have patience and that you will be able to deal with Mom with love that only a daughter can give.

[Hemidakota]

Remember...love your parents and do good for them in there latter years. You will be blessed for it.

[lilered]

While I realize that what I am about to say may be somewhat controversial, that is not my intention. I happen to believe that just because our parents are getting old and in some instances may become somewhat of a problem. I remain unconvinced that the best course of action is to ship them off for someone else to care for. Under certain circumstances, placing our parents in an assisted living complex may be the answer. Example may be they danger to themselves or others, their mental or physical health requires constant care or monitoring, or they would prefer to live with others their own age.

However, in my view those who ship parents off, because they simply don't want to be bothered with providing limited care because it is a pain or because their parents has minor idiosyncrasies is not what God intended to happen when parents get old.

[mightynancy]

Lilred, I agree that barring abuse, one oughtn't wash one's hands of one's parents and "ship them off". The OP in this thread didn't sound inconvenienced. She sounds terribly distressed, even after trying her hardest to make things work.

I don't think anyone in this thread was advocating that the elderly be warehoused because the rest of us can't be bothered.

[lilered]

Mightynancy: I totally agree with your post and I hope I wasn't inferring that to the original author of the thread. I probably could have been a little more clearer in that regard. I have traveled a great deal in my work and in most other countries cultures the young respect their elders and tend to look after them. In America however there doesn't seem to be that same feeling of respect and instead many do not want to be bothered.

In another vein, IMHO unfortunatly the current remedy being applied to our National Debt and bailout by our National Leaders will exacerbate this issue because the enormous debt is being pushed further off in to the future for the younger generations to worry about as well as well as devaluating the dollar both home and abroad. Thus hitting the seniors currently on retirement and the current wage earners future living standards. This will all come home to roost someday. (Stepping down from my soap box). :^)

Edited September 21, 2008 by lilered

[Wingnut]

In another vein, IMHO unfortunatly the current remedy being applied to our National Debt and bailout by our National Leaders will exacerbate this issue because the enormous debt is being pushed further off in to the future for the younger generations to worry about as well as well as devaluating the dollar both home and abroad. Thus hitting the seniors currently on retirement and the current wage earners future living standards. This will all come home to roost someday. (Stepping down from my soap box). :^)

You have awfully strong opinions for one not old enough to vote or even walk yet.

[lilered]

You have awfully strong opinions for one not old enough to vote or even walk yet.

I suppose your right. That is why it is so important for Moms to be careful during the

Pre-natal period. Mine must have taken me to anti-gov. rallies and elderly homes.