In need of some clean humor!

[Dr T]

Why don't anteaters get sick?

Because they are full of antibodies! aha! Antibodies!!! Get it? little ant bodies! Ant... ok.

[pam]

Some friends were hoping their second child would be a girl, and they even had a name picked out.

The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, "We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case."

But when it was time for him to report for duty, they still hadn't decided.

At sea a few weeks later, the new father got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.

[Palerider]

Baptizing the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

--------------------------------

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

------------------------------------------

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.

In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.

And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle.

We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

--------------------------------------------

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

[tanuvasamama]

Still reading thru everything, so I'm not sure if it's been posted...

Funny things found inside church Bulletins:

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan:

Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

[Dr T]

"antibodies!" nothing for that? hahaha

===

A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Is the bartender here?"

[Maya]

Pale you should have told this last week.. I had seminary and about circum.... (does it have to be so hard spelled words...)

Anyway thanks for big letters. Did not need my puterglasses!

[Palerider]

Pale you should have told this last week.. I had seminary and about circum.... (does it have to be so hard spelled words...)

Anyway thanks for big letters. Did not need my puterglasses!

it was sent to me that way......I cheated and pasted it....that way even someone as old as pam could read it without glasses...........:D

[Dr T]

What do you call a crab that plays baseball?

A pinch hitter.

[orrinjelo]

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[lilered]

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose does but only collects 2 to 3

dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10

bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, 'I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'

Jose replies .... 'Look at your sign.? What does it say'?

Carlos' sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Jose says, ' No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars

a day.' Carlos replies... 'So what does your sign say'?

Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I only

need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico .'

[Maxel]

What do you get when you play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir backwards?

1000 different recipes for salads/non-alcoholic beverages.

[Dr T]

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper

in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."

-Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

[Dr T]

Why did Ebenezer Scrooge go to New York City?

To see the Grumpire State Building.

[pam]

it was sent to me that way......I cheated and pasted it....that way even someone as old as pam could read it without glasses...........:D

Pale you know the drill.

[Dr T]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[pam]

“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”

[pam]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together.

One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Dr T]

"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter

[Maya]

Pale you know the drill.

Twice Pam from me too!

[Maya]

I was reading the BOM to my boys... we were reading about the wars between Lamanitis and Nephites... I had put something in the micro... then I came to the place where one of these peoples, as I red: Nephites were leaving because... it said pilng!

Just like my dear hedmaster who tought us history was telling us about Alexander the great he said: And then Alexander the great said... who is throwing the paperdots?

[Maya]

In a store:

"Sir can I try that shirt in the window?"

"I am sorry sir you`ll have to use the dressingroom"

Mother "Why are you writting so fast?"

Son "So I would not run out of ink"

What did the dressing say as you opened the refegeratordoor?

"Close the door I am drressing"

Why did you put wheels on Grandmoms rocker?

"So she could rock and roll!"

Do you know how many Swedish it takes to change a light bulb?

One to get the bulb and hand it to the one on the table, one to hold on the table. Two to climb on the table, one to hold on the bulbs, the other to change them. And one to see it all goes fluently and right.

Do you know why the Swedish are always on their all four in a store?

They are looking for the low prices.

Once a Norwegean, a Swedish and a Finnish saw a skunks hole. They decided to see who can be longer in the hole. The Swedish went first in 3 seconds and he was back pale ... no green... the the Dannish went in 1.2.3.....10..15 The Danish came out looking sick. Then the Finnish went in. 1.2.3......15....20....30....1 minute and out runs the skunk!

You need to understand this about Swedish, Norwegean and Finnish jokes... we do it in all friendship...

[Dr T]

There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.

But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.

The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

[pam]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[pam]

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from southern California. After chatting them up a while, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was.

Since "infantry" and "sweet" are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

[Dr T]

Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."