In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A young executive is leaving the office one evening when he comes across the company president standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," says the president, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper and presses the start button.

"Excellent, excellent," says the president as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[need4peace]

BEWARE OF TERRORIST GROUPS IN CHURCH.

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches.

They have been identified as:

Bin Sleepin,

Bin Arguin,

Bin Fightin,

Bin Complainin,

and Bin Missin.

Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whomever and whatever comes along.

Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others.

They have

Bin Watchin,

Bin Waitin,

Bin Fastin,

and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!

(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)

[nbblood]

Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second Lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then she said, "That must be the door..... I'll get it!"

[nbblood]

Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)....

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"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

[rameumptom]

In a newspaper ad:

For Sale: 2 year old sedan. Used to drive family to and from Church on Sundays and Wednesday evenings. 165,000 miles.

[nbblood]

In a newspaper ad:

For Sale: 2 year old sedan. Used to drive family to and from Church on Sundays and Wednesday evenings. 165,000 miles.

Yeah, church in NYC on Wednesday and in San Diego (for you Pam) on Sunday. It didn't say when they started driving, just when church was. It's just a real long way to church.

[pam]

A blonde walks into a casino where she sees a coke vending machine.

She puts in some money and a coke falls out.

She smiles and keeps putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes.

She does this for about an hour or so until a guy comes up to her and says "Havent you had enough?"

She answers, "No! Cant you see I'm winning!"

[pam]

A new teacher's aide at an elementary school is eager to help. One day during recess she notices a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids are enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field.

The aide approaches and asks if she is all right.

The girl says she is, but a little while later the aide sees the girl in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, the aide asks, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitates and looks at the woman suspiciously, then says, "OK."

Feeling she is making progress, the aide asks, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl says with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."

[pam]

When the family car develops a slight knock, a father asks his son if he had bought high-octane or regular gas the last time he took the car out, but the boy can't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," his father says. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper," the boy says.

"Well, how much did it cost?"

"It cost the same as always," says his son. "I put in the usual 10 dollars worth."

[candyprpl]

One-Liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you;

Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited

Until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God,

But only as advisors.

When you get to your wit's end,

you'll find God lives there.

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, middle of the road,

and back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once,

but temptation bangs on the front door forever.

Quit griping about your church;

if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If a church wants a better (Bishop) pastor,

it only needs to pray for the one it has.

We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

God himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead.

So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete,

thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

Be ye fishers of men.

You catch 'em -- He'll clean 'em.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

God doesn't call the qualified,

He qualifies the called (personal favorite!)

God loves everyone, but probably prefers

'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

God promises a safe landing

not a calm passage.

If God is your co-pilot,

swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions,

just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as

great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the

Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message,

the message changes us. (another personal favorite)

The best mathematical equation:

1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

Have a great day!

[pam]

I love the first one. I used to have that in my signature.

[pam]

A man realizes he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he is unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they run?" he asks the clerk.

"That depends," says the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2 model," the customer says.

The clerk puts the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he says.

"How does it work?" the customer asks.

"For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replies. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

[pam]

A small, obviously frazzled man storms into a local bar one evening and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so upset I can't even see straight."

The bartender pours him the drink, and the man downs it in one gulp then demands another.

The bartender pours it, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

"Well," says the man, "I am a salesman -- I sell fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to a woman who lives in an apartment in this neighborhood. But the lady couldn't make up her mind, so she asked me to take the samples to the bedroom so she could check them there. As I got into the bedroom, I heard some keys jingling, and someone started fumbling with the door."

"Well, the woman said, 'Oh my gosh, it's my husband. He won't believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, hide.'"

"So, I opened the closet, but then figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he'd be bound to look there, too. By then I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might have been a bit frustrated at that point."

"Well, yeah, but I heard the guy finally get the door open and he yelled out, 'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"

"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.' Well, the guy started tearing up the room. I heard him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I was thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I heard him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there, either."

"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I thought 'Oh boy, I'm dead meat now.' But the woman by then was trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I heard the guy go into the bathroom, and I heard water running for a long time, and I figured maybe he was gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy poured a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean look at this -- I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have upset me for sure."

"No," the customer replies, "that didn't really bother me. Next the guy started slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass!"

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agrees, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what did it."

"Well, then, what did finally get you so upset?"

"Well, I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about six inches off the ground."

[candyprpl]

A man went into a bank to open up a checking account comes out grumbling....

"First they said 'Free Checking,' now they say I have to have money in the bank!"

[Blackmarch]

one joke i've heard that's always given me a good chuckle-

How do you tell between a good mormon and a bad mormon?

The temperature of their caffiene.

[MichaelCraig]

What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common???? Sandy Claws.

[nbblood]

Obvious Questions

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation.

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow--only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get way from it all'?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways?

Why is it when something is transported by car it is called a shipment and when by ship it is cargo?

If we get a frog in our throat, what does a frog get in its throat?

Do geese get people bumps?

[nbblood]

Parenthood

Motherhood -- If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Avenge yourself -- Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere -- and to let the air out of the tires.

The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.

Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree.

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.

God gave you two ears and one mouth... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willing: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

How do you cope when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?

No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.

The persons hardest to convince they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

[nbblood]

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it.

[nbblood]

Two New Additions

Periodic Table of Elements

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: Don't even go there.

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at anytime. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. Extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful wealth-reducing agent known.

Caution: Unstable and highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180+/- 50 lb.

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it gets. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time.

Usage: None proven. Possibly a good methane source. Some specimens are able to produce large quantities of methane on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

[pam]

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Oh my gosh I can so totally relate to this right now.

[pam]

One day a college professor of psychology was greeting his new class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

[pam]

"I noticed you always carry my photo in your handbag. That's very nice," a husband says to his wife one day.

"Well," she says, "when there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem always disappears."

The man smiles. "You see how good I am for you?" he says.

"Yes," she says. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can be worse than this one?'"

[nbblood]

The Painter & the Porch

The painter arrived in the morning, and the homeowner spelled out exactly what he wanted done: "I want you to paint the porch out front. I've already purchased the paint - it's the best. Once it's on - it'll never come off. I expect this to take you all day, but I am willing to pay very well."

About halfway through the day the painter came back - he was done. "Wow, you're done? Great. Here's the money and a big tip for doing the job so fast."

The painter replied, "Wow cash. Thanks! And by the way --that's not a Porsche. It's a Mercedes."

[pam]

After a couple of weeks of rain, a torrential downpour soaks a Cajun town in south Louisiana. The next morning, much of the area is covered by six feet of floodwater.

Mrs. Boudreaux is sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux notices a lone baseball cap floating near the house. She watches, fascinated, as it floats far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house, then out again and back again.

"Look at that baseball cap," she says to Mrs. Boudreaux. "Why do you suppose that thing is floating back and forth like that?"

Mrs. Boudreaux says, "Oh, don't think anything of that," says Mrs. Boudreaux. "That's just my husband. He let that lawn go so long, I told him he was going to mow the lawn today come Hell or high water."