In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A young minister, in his first days at his first parish, is obliged to conduct the funeral services for an eccentric man who has just died. At he funeral home, he stands before the open casket and tries to think of words to console the widow.

Finally, the minister says, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is only the husk, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

[leftofcentral]

One nice thing about getting older is that you can hide your own Easter eggs...

[pam]

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a police officer started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[pam]

I have a problem," a sweet young thing complains to her friend. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

"Don't you have a cell phone?" the friend asks.

"That was too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

The friend is dumbfounded. "A mailbox? Does that work?"

"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet," the sweet young thing replies.

"And why do you think that is?"

"I figure it's because when I'm driving around my zip code keeps changing."

[pam]

Father: "I know the answer to your bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television."

Son: "I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a question."

[candyprpl]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made the mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being a alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .....

and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

[pam]

Two men were chatting casually at work. The conversation turned to golf and one asked the other, "Do you play?"

"Yes, the younger man replied, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I consistently shot in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low intake of breath, then the other man said, "Lower seventies, huh?"

"Yes," his coworker said.

"Consistently?"

"Yup, Every hole," the man said with a sigh.

[pam]

A youngster bursts through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised that he is home so early, his mother asks, "Why are you home from school so early?"

"I was the only one who could answer a question," he says.

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asks.

"Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"

[pam]

Tony just finished his cash register training session at the local McDonald's.

So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Tony," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Tony at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Tony took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"

[pam]

A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

[pam]

A man comes home and finds his house on fire. He rushes next door, telephones the fire department and shouts, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire."

"OK," replies the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks," says the caller. "Don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

[pam]

A tourist is traveling through the Texas panhandle one hot, dry summer day and stops at a gas station.

"Looks as though we might have rain," the tourist says to the grizzled old station owner.

"Sure hope so," the old fellow says. "But not so much for me as for my son. I've seen it rain."

[pam]

An enthusiastic golfer dies and finds himself at the gates of hell, where he's welcomed by an imp. He's disappointed, of course, but wonders if there isn't some good side to his dilemma.

"Do you have a golf course here?" the man asks.

"Certainly, sir," the imp says, and he leads the man to a distant corner of hell. Before the golfer stretches a course more beautiful than any he has ever seen or dreamed of.

"Wonderful," says the golfer, itching to get on the course. "How about getting me some clubs and balls?"

"Sorry," says the imp, "we haven't any."

"What? With a course like this you don't have anything to play with?"

"No, sir," replies the imp, grinning fiendishly. "That's the hell of it."

[pam]

The contractor ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.

After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

[pam]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

[pam]

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

[Mack13]

why does the ocean roar??

if you had krabs on your bottom you would roar too!!!

well thats the only joke i know

[pam]

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

[pam]

A mother is showing her boy how to zip up his coat.

"The secret," she says, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

The boy looks at her quizzically. "Why does it have to be a secret?"

[pam]

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue.

Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

[pam]

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

"Why are you so weak?" the son asks.

"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

"That's terrible," her son says. "Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

[pam]

A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the monks decide to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon becomes very popular, attracting people from all over.

One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asks one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar?'"

"No," answers the brother, straight-faced. "I'm the 'chip monk.'"

[Plastic_Starlight]

A Staid Schizophrenic named Struther

when told of the death of his brother

said " yes I'm sad

It makes me feel bad,

but at least I still have each other

-Anon

[Moksha]

Starbuck's in Mormon cosmology is restricted to the Terrestrial Kingdom. Those in the Telestial Kingdom will have to be content with McDonalds.

[pam]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.