In need of some clean humor!

[nbblood]

Morris, a city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said,

“Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”

“Well then just give me my money back.”

“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

“OK, then. Just unload the donkey.”

“What ya gonna do with him?”

“I’m going to raffle him off.”

“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,

“Whatever happened with that dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998. ”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

[Hemidakota]

A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.

The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again

The barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.

The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.

[pam]

A farm boy from the Midwest has long dreamed of going to New York and making his fortune. He saves his money, and when he's 21 he buys a bus ticket and makes the trip.

Outside the bus station, he puts his bags on the ground, raises his arms and looks up at the skyscrapers.

"I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I'm finally in New York," he says enthusiastically.
When he looks down, his suitcases are gone. It's then that he knows he really is in New York.

[Moksha]

A friend sent me this one:

Potatoes

Well, a girl potato and a boy potato had eyes for each other.

Finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which

they called "Yam."

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time,

they told her about the facts of life. The warned her about going

out and getting half baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally

mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato," and

end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry.. "no spud would get her into the sack

and make a rotten potato out of her!"

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a

Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise, so as

not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to

watch out for the hard guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys

from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west in the USA, they told her to watch

out for the Indians, so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't

associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the

other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks

that say; "Frito Lay."

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to I. P.U. (that's Idaho Potato

University), so when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and

announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!!!! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They

told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's

just .... well he's just a....

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

OK!.... Here it is!

He's just a COMMONTATOR!!!!!!!!

[nbblood]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule

stumbled.

"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

[nbblood]

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you seen a red duck?" Young Bobby replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

[nbblood]

A border patrol officer is patrolling the border between the United States and Canada one night when a man drives up on a motorcycle. The officer stops the man and asks, "What do you have in that backpack there?" The man replies, "Sand." "Sand?" the officer says puzzled, "Please open the bag sir." The man opens the bag and there is sand. "Alright, you may go on your way then, the officer said with a puzzled look.” The man then drives off into the darkness. The next week, the same man on his motorcycle drives up to the same station that he did before. He says that there is sand in the bag and, sure enough, there is. The man drives up on a motorcycle with sand in his bag every week for a couple of months. The officer starts to think, "This guy is trying to smuggle something and I am going to be the one that catches him." The next time the man drives up to the station, the officer says, "I promise, I'm not going to arrest you. But just tell me. Are you trying to smuggle something or not?" "Do you swear you won't take me in?" the man replies. "I promise," says the officer. "Well, I am ashamed to admit it but, I have been smuggling something," the man says. The officer asks curiously, "What have you been smuggling?" The man replies with a grin, "Motorcycles."

[pam]

A couple are going out for the evening, and the last thing they do is put the cat out.

Then the taxi arrives, and as they head out the door the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house for the night, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, the wife tells the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband comes out and gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out."

[pam]

Consider the young man who wants to be an accountant. He goes in to take an aptitude test, and the examiner asks him, "If I give you two rabbits, then two rabbits more and then another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?" "Seven," says the young man confidently.

"No," says the examiner. "Listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

"Seven," the fellow says again.

"Let's try another way," the examiner says. "If I give you two hats, then another two hats and another two hats, how many hats do you have?"

"Six," says the man.

"Good," the examiner tells him. "Now, if I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Again, the man says, "Seven."

"How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?"

"Well," the man says, "I've already got one rabbit at home now."

[pam]

After being away on business, a man thinks it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk.

She shows him a bottle costing $50. "That is a bit much," the man says.

The clerk returns with a smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," he grouses.

Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brings out a tiny $15 bottle.

"What I mean," says the fellow, "is I would like to see something really cheap."

At that, the clerk hands him a mirror.

[nbblood]

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items

and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked

up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed

it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the

'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much

this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy

that today.'

She said 'O K ,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

[nbblood]

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy

drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was

shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so

she was using the ATM 'thingy'

(keep shuddering!! )

[nbblood]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this

remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they

(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit

this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the

car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I

replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.

It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

[nbblood]

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One

day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of

typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photo copier', the

secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank

piece of paper, put it on the photo copier and proceeded to make five

'blank' copies.

[nbblood]

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she

needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The

dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine,

the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer...... '

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

[nbblood]

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy comes up to the tee and as he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well.

All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks up to the water and strikes it with his sand wedge.The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway.

Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top of the water and Jesus pulls out his 5 iron and hits onto the green.

The third guy just stands there a moment, all of a sudden a fishereagle dives from the sky grabs the third guys ball out of the water carries it to the green and drops it into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "That's the last time we play with your dad.

[pam]

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

[pam]

A man takes his old duck to the veterinarian, concerned because the duck won't eat.

After the vet examines the duck, he explains to the man that as a duck ages, its upper bill grows down over its lower bill, and when that happens it's difficult for the animal to pick up its food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill so it's even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

About a week later the vet calls to inquire about the patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" he asks.

"He's dead," the heartbroken man says.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far. He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" the vet asks.

"No," the man says. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

[pam]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[nbblood]

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

[nbblood]

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

[pam]

An older gentleman begins dating a much younger woman, and after a time he asks her to marry him. The woman accepts, and as they talk of the life they'll have together she says, "And who knows, dear, we might even have children."

"No, my love," he says, "my parents won't allow it."

"Your parents?" she says, astounded.

"Yes," he says. "Mother Nature and Father Time."

[pam]

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

[pam]

A man goes into the dentist's office to get a bad tooth pulled. As he opens his mouth and the dentist is about to go to work, he asks how long the procedure will take.

"Five minutes," the dentist says. "You'll be out of here before you know it, and won't feel a thing. The anesthetic will last 10 minutes."

"And how much is this costing me?" the man asks.

"$190," the dentist says.

"Geesh," the man grumbles. "It's a crime to be able to hold a man captive for five minutes and charge him $190."

"Then for you, I'll give you a special," the dentist says, and the man looks pleasantly relieved. "I'll take 15 minutes to do the extraction."

[pam]

A pedestrian was walking along the street looking for a better mode of transport, like a bus or tram. He spots a taxi coming in his direction. He stands on the side of the road and shouts: "Taxi!"

The Taxi driver drives past and shouts back: "Pedestrian!"