In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"

She pulled it out & stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

[Truegrits]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[Truegrits]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH NO!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

[RipplecutBuddha]

A couple young boys were known to be trouble makers in their neighborhood. They would pull pranks on people constantly, and in time it became a real aggrivation.

Their minister decided he'd try to straighten them out. He called them both to his office and had the younger one go into his office while his older brother waited in the chapel.

the minister sat at his desk across from the young boy and looked at him gravely. In a bold voice he asked

"Do you know where Jesus is?"

The boy didn't answer. Again, this time louder he asked.

"Do you know where Jesus is?"

Still no answer. This time he leaned forward and yet louder asked

"Do you know where Jesus is?"

At this the young boy bolted for the door and grabbed his brother as he ran from the chapel. Five blocks later they finally stopped. The younger boy said "Man are we in trouble now!!" His brother asked "What's wrong, and why did we run from the church?"

"I dunno, but Jesus is missing and they think we had something to do with it!!"

[RipplecutBuddha]

An amnesiac walks into a bar and approaches a gorgeous woman.

"Do I come here often?"

[Truegrits]

A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year.

After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop."

"And the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"

[Truegrits]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

***********************************************

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

[Truegrits]

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

[Truegrits]

A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to ther seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The Pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asks him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."

[Truegrits]

One day, as a dog was walking by a store, he noticed a sign which said, "Now Hiring: must be able to type 70 words per minute, and must be bilingual. Equal opportunity employment."

The dog took the sign in his mouth and brought it into the manager's office. He set it down on the desk. When the manager realized that the dog was applying for the job, he laughed and said, "I'm not going to hire a dog!"

The dog put his paw on the part of the sign that read "equal opportunity employer."

"Well," said the manager, "let's see you type 70 words per minute!"

He handed the dog a document and watched as the dog perfectly duplicated the document, and well over 70 words per minute.

The man looked at the dog. He couldn't believe it.

"Don't tell me you're bilingual too."

The dog opened his mouth and said, "Meow."

[Mahone]

True story that happened last week:

We've had a German guy working with us temporarily for the past couple of weeks. He is a work experience student and this is the first time he has been to England.

While showing him various systems, he asked "what is this red flower you're all wearing on your jackets"?

*awkward silence*

[Jennarator]

True story that happened last week:

We've had a German guy working with us temporarily for the past couple of weeks. He is a work experience student and this is the first time he has been to England.

While showing him various systems, he asked "what is this red flower you're all wearing on your jackets"?

*awkward silence*

Um....so what IS it????

[Mahone]

Remembrance Day - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Fundraising for The Royal British Legion - The Poppy Appeal

[Jennarator]

Remembrance Day - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Fundraising for The Royal British Legion - The Poppy Appeal

Thank you.

[Vort]

True story that happened last week:

We've had a German guy working with us temporarily for the past couple of weeks. He is a work experience student and this is the first time he has been to England.

While showing him various systems, he asked "what is this red flower you're all wearing on your jackets"?

*awkward silence*

Why was it awkward?

[Jennarator]

I just think of my ex when I see poppies, apparently he used to grow them, between our fence and the neighbor's fence, and make drugs. So, yeah....poppies are not a good symbol of anything but drugs to me.

[pam]

Why was it awkward?

Probably the same reason I felt rather awkward sitting in the theater at the Arizona monument with it full of Japanese tourists.

While it happened so many years ago and none would have been involved..it's still that awkward feeling.

[Mahone]

Why was it awkward?

Because he is German, Germany being a primary enemy of ours during world war 2, which is a large part of why we wear poppies across the nation at this time of year. It was a little awkward to explain this.

[Connie]

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.

So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

[Connie]

A Mafia gang takes on a Deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.

Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)

The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."

Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!" (Interpreter again signs.)

The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it."

The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the Deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"

(Interpreter signs his statement.)

The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."

The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Connie]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor,

you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day."

He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless. Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking."

So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks."

The guy comes back in one week complaining, Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!"

The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

[Connie]

There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: "JUMP!"

And the frog lept.

The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: "Frogs can jump." The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump with three legs."

The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

The scientist then added to his previous observations: "Frogs can jump with two legs."

On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: "Frogs can jump with only one leg!"

Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: "JUMP!"

But alas the frog did not leap.

"JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist.

Still, the frog did not leap.

"JUMP!" yelled the scientist.

The frog did not leap.

The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: "Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf."

[Connie]

Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.

First hard of hearing dude says, "Brrrrr, it's windy!"

Second one says, "No...it's Thursday."

Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."

[Connie]

"I must be getting old. I'm starting to talk to myself."

"Don't worry about it Bob--it happens to the best of us."

"Well, it's a real hassle."

"Huh?"

"Yah, I'm also going deaf so I have to repeat everything."

[Jennarator]

Funny as they are what is with all the hearing impaired jokes?