In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Bartenders and waiters have heard 'em all. But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a drink.

"Nah, I better not have one," said one man after I offered him a glass of wine. "I have the world's worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I'd leave my own chalk outline."

[sakuragirl]

Good News/Bad News for Ministers

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.

Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.

Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.

Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.

Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.

Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.

Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.

Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.

Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.

Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.

Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.

Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

[sakuragirl]

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?

Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

[sakuragirl]

God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[sakuragirl]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly

icy winter.They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer

in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without

noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston ....a widow had just returned home from her

husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and

friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, June 6, 2007

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you

are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been

checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

[pam]

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

[sakuragirl]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

[pam]

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row.

On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

[pam]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[lilered]

Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."

They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.

The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.

"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye

[Dr T]

Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?

He wanted to wake up oily.

[Guest missingsomething]

The Secret of a Long Marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly

husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Mario, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Mario replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!

The Priest responded, 'Mario, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary...'

Mario proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go get her.'

[Guest missingsomething]

Im serious - the priest said this joke at my grandmother FUNERAL.

A lawyer dies and meets St. Peter at the gate. He is loaded onto a little golf cart along with a priest and a businessman. Peter explains that they will be going to their home in heaven now. They stop at a modest house, clean with a picket fence. Peter says to the businessman, 'Here is your home... enjoy it"... They move on. The houses get bigger and more luxurous. They stop at a very large house with pillars and lots of natural lighting. Peter says to the priest.. "Well done Father - enjoy your house."

They continue on for quiet a drive. Then Peter stops at the biggest, most amazing house in Heaven. Peter turns to the lawyer, and says... "Here we are... the best house we have... enjoy". The lawyer looks confused and says.... "It cant be. Surely there are priest and popes and saints who would be more deserving of this than myself." Peter looks very serious and replies, 'Maybe so, but Heaven has LOTS of popes, priests and saints... but we only have ONE lawyer!"

[Dr T]

Why wouldn't the bald man let anyone use his comb?

He couldn't part with it. hahahhaHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHA HA H HA?

[pam]

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9 a.m., and it was 10:30 a.m. when an attractive nurse appeared and said, "Mr. Johnson, let's go get a room."

Mr. Johnson thought it over and said, "Honey, I appreciate the offer, but I've been waiting for so long, I'd hate to lose my place now."

[Dr T]

What did the candle say when he was down on his luck?

I'm at wick's end.

[Moksha]

http://webmail.tiscali.co.uk/cp/ps/Mail/ViewAttachment?d=lineone.net&fp=Personal&bid=&contentSeed=d22d1&c=yes&u=demahony&an=demahony&uid=140&pct=d5376&l=en&ai=0

Forgive me Father, I have lusted after Shoots and Leaves.

[Dr T]

Where do pigs park their cars?

In porking lots.

[pam]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

[pam]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[pam]

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.

So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the New York Knicks!"

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They never beat anybody."

[pam]

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

[Maya]

Stil, after 20 years I may say to my husband that I am in love ... so he asks if he should get the shotgun and shoot the neighbour!

Now I need you to picture this in your head.... why you need to do taht is simply as my DH denied to do this again... can you imagin the nerve

We had a big ... huge house but the cellar was filled back with dirt, by the former owner and builder, becaquse of some loan things, so to get even bigger house we needed to dig it out. I safled in the celler dirt on a onewheeler and he rolled it out of the celler and to the slope behind the house. It was going fine. Then i tought I take a break and as I came out I wondered were he had gone. The onewheeler was standing by the slope handles up.... I tought I look over the slope and as I came close he climbs up laughing to himself. I asked waht is up... he laughed ... and laughed ... I was like ok... what is UP? Then he tells me that as he should empty the dirt like before down the slope his pocket got gaught by the handle... and it pulled him right over the onewheeler a full salto ending up running down the slope... After I could handle it I asked him if he could please do it again, so I get the video cam and we winn in the homevideos... but he would not do that ... so now all I have is the story!

[lilered]

Illegal Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*

My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I ;shoulder.

4. * Texas *

My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*

My wif! e plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Bishop*

My wife fell ! down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

12. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

13. *Budweiser*

That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly

[orrinjelo]

Who knew that bishop would be such a naughty word!