In need of some clean humor!

[rameumptom]

With all of the severe weather we have been having this winter, the Department of Transportation issued a travel warning. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should have the following:

Shovel

Blankets or sleeping bag

Extra clothing including coats, hats and gloves

24 hours worth of food

De-icer

Rock salt

Flashlight and spare batteries

Road flares or reflective triangles

Full gas can

Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.

[orrinjelo]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael.. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That’s the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."

God smiled, "There’s Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[slamjet]

There was a High Priest who began to have heart problems while in High Priest group meeting. Alarmed, the group leader called for the paramedics. The paramedics came, check out the priesthood holder with the heart problem and diagnosed it as indigestion. They gave him some tums and released him. On the way out, the Bishop stopped the paramedics and asked them "is everything alright? To which the paramedics responded "Everything is fine, the patients are getting along well." "Patients?" the Bishop asked. "Patients" the paramedic responded. "We defibrillated a couple of guys on the way up the isle to the original call."

Bada-BOOM! Yea, it's me again, but don't think I'm not using this one if I ever become a High Priest.

[dieublanc]

why was Adam the happiest man on Earth?

Because he had no Mother-in-law

[pam]

My Kind of Teacher

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[Truegrits]

A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak, so can you pick her up there?"

Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long.

[RipplecutBuddha]

Rod Stewart on marriage:

The next time I think I want to get married, I'm going to find a woman that hates my guts. Then I'll buy her a house.

[RipplecutBuddha]

Paul Harvey 'For What It's Worth' update November 8 1978

Our For What It's Worth Department hears from Pretoria, South Africa...

Where a newspaper has been trying to correct a classified ad.

Because the ad, as it was first printed, said, quote:

The Rev. A.J. Jones has a color TV set for sale. Telepone 555-1313 after 7 pm and ask for Mrs. Donnelly who lives with him, cheap.

So....the next day the Pretoria paper printed a correction, quote:

We regret any embarrassment caused to Rev. A.J. Jones by a typographical error in yesterday's editions. It should have read, "The Rev. A.J. Jones has color TV set for sale, cheap. Telephone 555-1313 and ask for Mrs. Donnelly who lives with him after 7 pm."

Then the next day....the paper said:

The Rev A.J. Jones informs us he has recieved several annoying telephone calls because of an incorrect advertisement in yesterday's paper. It should have read, "The Rev. A.J. Jones has color TV set for sale. Cheap. Telephone after 7 pm 555-1313 and ask for Mrs. Donnelly who loves with him."

ONE DAY LATER

Please take note that I, the Rev. A.J. Jones, have no TV set for sale. I have smashed it. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Donnelly. She was until yesterday my housekeeper.

Yesterday, one more ad:

WANTED a housekeeper. Telephone the Rev. A.J. Jones 555-1313. Usual housekeeping duties, good pay, love in.

End quote.

[Truegrits]

A man didn't like his wife's cat and decided to get rid of the animal

one day by driving it a few blocks from his home and leaving it at the

park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat further away. He put the beast

out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

The man kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always

beat him home. At last he decided to drive a long, long way out of town,

down a winding path of barely-used roads.

Hours later the man called home to his wife: "Honey, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man replied, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need

directions."

[pam]

Wanted to bump this thread so we can start putting our jokes all into one thread.

[Truegrits]

Thanks, Pam. I did look for it, but could not find it.

[rameumptom]

So, what is so funny about bumping a thread?

[KrazyKay]

I'm sure everyone has heard this one, but it is one of my favorites.

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[pam]

Thanks, Pam. I did look for it, but could not find it.

I honestly figured you did. It was pretty buried in the past. Probably where the majority of my jokes need to be.

Edited July 19, 2011 by pam

[pam]

So, what is so funny about bumping a thread?

I take it you've never actually seen me do it? It's pretty hilarious.

[Jamie123]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Oh....you've heard it before.

[Truegrits]

:) The things kids think.....

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

****************************************************

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in

the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her

the dollar.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady

able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

******************************************************

A teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4

& 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the

children interested in her tale.

At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the

roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw

up!"

[Guest tbaird22]

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

[KrazyKay]

Maybe these math jokes will help me with writing these math proofs, lol.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.

The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose any of them.

"Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on the phone.

"That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers picked up forty boxes at our old place."

The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.

The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.

In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than strange..."

"Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?

Class: At once!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?

None, they were all copycats!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The math professor's six-year-old son knocks at the door of his father's study.

"Daddy", he says. "I need help with a math problem I couldn't do at school."

"Sure", the father says and smiles. "Just tell me what's bothering you."

"Well, it's a really hard problem: There are four ducks swimming in a pond, when two more ducks come and join them. How many ducks are now swimming in the pond?"

The professor stares at his son with disbelief: "You couldn't do that?! All you need to know is that 4 + 2 = 6!"

"Do you think, I'm stupid?! Of course, I know that 4 + 2 = 6. But what does this have to do with ducks!?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What is Pi?"

A mathematician: "Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter."

A computer programmer: "Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision."

A physicist: "Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005."

An engineer: "Pi is about 22/7."

A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"

[Truegrits]

A magician was performing on a cruise ship. The pay was okay, but there

was just one problem: The captain's parrot, who saw the shows every week, knew

the tricks. In the middle of the show, the parrot would squawk:

"Look, it's not the same hat...

he's hiding the flowers under the table...

hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician couldn't do anything because it was the captain's parrot.

One day the ship sank and the magician found himself clinging to a

piece of wood... with the parrot perched on the other end. They stared

at each other silently for several hours.

Fianlly the parrot squawked: "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the

boat?"

[RipplecutBuddha]

An amusing bit from my mission...more to follow....maybe....

Levels in the mission field

Mission President

1. Leaps tall buildings with a single bound

2. Is more powerful than a locomotive

3. Is faster than a speeding bullet

4. Walks on water

5. Talks with God

Assistant to the Mission President

1. Leaps short buildings in a single bound

2. Is more powerful than a switch engine

3. Just as fast as a speeding bullet

4. Walks on water if the sea is calm

5. Talks with God on special requests

Zone Leader

1. Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind

2. Almost as powerful as a switch engine

3. Faster than a speeding BB

4. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

5. Occasionally addressed by God

District Leader

1. Barely clears a quonset hut

2. Loses tug-of-war with a switch engine

3. Can fire a speeding bullet

4. Swims well

5. Recieves inspiration

Senior Companion

1. Makes high marks on walls while trying to leap tall buildings

2. Is run over by a switch engine

3. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

4. Treads water

5. Prays a lot

Junior Companion

1. Climbs the walls

2. Continually rides the rails

3. Faster than a stationary bullet

4. Walks on ice

5. Talks to animals

Greenie

1. Runs into buildings

2. Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times

3. Not issued ammunition

4. Can stay afloat with a life jacket

5. Talks to walls

MTC Missionary

1. Falls over a doorstep trying to enter tall buildings

2. Says "Look at the choo-choo!!"

3. Wets himself with a water pistol

4. Plays in mud puddles

5. Mumbles to himself

Returned Missionary

1. Lifts tall buildings and walks under them

2. Kicks locomotives off the tracks

3. Catches speeding bullets in his teeth

4. Freezes water with a single glance

5. Answers questions addressed to God

[Truegrits]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own

sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"

He yelled back, "Nike."

**********************************************************

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take

care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think

that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

[Truegrits]

When my dad, a good ol' boy from the South, visited me in Manhattan, I treated him to dinner at an elegant French restaurant. Since he was out of his element, I ordered for him, choosing the beef bourguignonne with a side of polenta, which he loved.

That night, I overheard him on the phone with my stepmother.

"Dinner was great," he raved. "But you won't believe how much they charge here for pot roast and grits."

********************************************************

On the way to a funeral home for the viewing of a friend's father, I reminded my three-year-old daughter to be quiet and respectful.

And she was......right up to the end, when she asked,

"Mommy, who is that man in the treasure chest?"

[bcguy]

I got this link from a automotive web site discussing this amateur artist work.

Wife said "this guy has a attitude" then she started to snicker when looking at these pics. Seems some one had some fun picking some random dating web site, and used some kind of paint program to repaint there portrait in comical ways.

Enjoy.

[Kindan]

You know the thing about making a decision and praying, and if the thing is wrong you get a stupor of thought and forget the thing was wrong? Well, here is a funny story (fictional - but I hope funny).

A man thought it would be a good idea to remember what was wrong. He couldn't understand why God would answer questions this way. "I want to remember the wrong thing to make sure I don't do it," he said.

So he wrote down his decision on a piece of paper before he prayed. He placed the paper face down on his bed while he knelt.

Then he prayed and got the stupor of thought. He couldn't remember at all what he was praying about.

"A Ha! I have it on my paper though!" he said to himself.

He took the paper and turned it over.

In elegant handwriting it said:

"This page intentionally left blank."