I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

[angela]

All my life, I just haven't felt like I fit in - especially at church. It is one of the main reasons that I became inactive. I have talked with my current bishop about it, and it was no help whatsoever. He basically BLAMED me (or at least it felt that way). He told me that it was my fault for not coming and opening myself up to the ladies at church. I told him that it was hard when you aren't a social person. I promised him that I would try (and basically meet the ward half way with trying to be active). I tried and it was even more uncomfortable than before. I am a single mom with 3 YOUNG children. There is only 1 other single mom in the ward that I know about, and she is less active too. I have asked the bishop to help me out with several small things to help me be more active, such as finding me a different home teacher (one who doesn't wait until the last Sunday of the month and act like it is such a burden to come by). It's not like I haven't tried. I also asked him to find a male role model that would not mind being an example to my 3 BOYS, who have been left without a righteous male figure in their life. My Home Teacher showed up 2 months ago with 2 of the young men in the ward to play ball with my oldest son, but he wasn't home. That is the last time I have had any contact with my HT. I even tried to call him once, but he never got back to me.

I KNOW the church is true. I know it with every ounce of my being. I just don't like going to church. It is physically and emotionally painful for me. Most of the time I leave sacrament meeting in tears because my children are acting up and there is nobody that offers to help me.

I know that the underlying issue in this is that I don't have any self esteem. I don't feel like I mean anything to anyone (and yes, this includes Heavenly Father and Christ). Part of me feels like I am the ONE person who the atonement did not apply to. You can sit here and tell me that they love me all you want and it will just go in one ear and out the other.

I have been depressed since my H walked out on me when I was 3 months pregnant (he didn't want to live the gospel principles and moved in with a girlfriend). The bishop offered to help pay for a little counseling to try to fix the marriage, but balked at the idea of helping with counseling dealing with the divorce.

I TRY not to be judgemental about the bishop and everyone, but I feel like I am slipping through the cracks here. Everyone knows that I am struggling to be active, yet I feel like nobody cares. I have askedfor help with SPECIFIC things, so it's not like they don't know HOW to help.

I am not sure what I am looking for here. Just need to get my emotions out somewhere.

[Kirajo]

Wow I'm really sorry about all of that. I'd feel the same way in your shoes and I've had my days of feeling wierd..uncomfortable, ect. at church.

Then I realized that when I was at work I had no problem being more outgoing getting to know the other co-workers, asking about their family, how long they'd worked there, if they like it....so I tried to apply those simple questions and use them on the church ladies. It actually helped! When I was sitting next to someone in RS, It was like pulling teeth but I'd eventually ask "Remind me of your name??" and she'd tell me and I'd be like Ooh okay I'm Kira, how long have you been in this ward? I'm kind of new. I'd just do it little by little. It was not over night that's for sure.

The only person that can personally change you, is you. You sometimes have to step out of your comfort zone and throw out all the negetivities and frusterations you have to move on. There's also a Big Brother/ Big Sister program that I'm sure you could use with all of your kids!! :) If you'd like the information on that just email me I'd LOVE to help.

[Misshalfway]

I know what it is like to feel that "slipping thru the cracks" feeling and it isn't fun.

You know, there is no doubt that going to church means that we rub shoulders with imperfect people. We never know from one Sunday to the next where people are at with regards to mood or personal trials or just plain blind spots. Sometimes I know with me I am up and down and over and under and sometimes....on a good day.....I find balance. And so, I try to cut people breaks. Well, right after a nice rant about it to a good friend, at least. ( I recommend chocolate and dart boards for maximum effectiveness. ::wink::)

I am learning a lot about myself this last while and learning how much power I really have to control my perceptions of my experience and to change the way things and other people make me feel.

I wonder if feeling like we don't fit in comes from questions we have inside about our worth. We don't fit the "pretty picture" or the stereotype Or maybe our personality or our preferences are different than those around us. And perhaps the people we find ourselves with genuinely have some character flaws and are royal pains in the rear!! But I can be a pain in the rear too. So, I suppose we are all in the same boat. :) Remember that Christ didn't fit the stereotypes OR the expectations of some around him.

But having said all that, I find myself feeling accepted when I accept myself. I look at all the parts of who I am and have probably taken a social hit for all of them. Too tall, too goofy, too uncoordinated, too opinionated, and even too capable! lol. But you know, those nay sayers only have as much influence as I give them. I am not saying that we become bullet proof. Cause sometimes social stuff just hurts! What I am saying is that the more we love and accept ourselves the way we are....flaws and characteristics and strengths...especially those strengths!! :)...... the more we can accept others and their flaws, characteristics, and strengths without threat or judgment or even reaction other than love.

If you want to be at church, go to church! Don't wait for them to change or even need them to change. It is like that old cliche.....our churches are hospitals not country clubs. And we are all there doing our best. If they could do better they would. :)

And then hand your concerns to God. And maybe he will lead you to a friend for you and your kids! :)

Best wishes.

MHW

[NeuroTypical]

Something to keep in mind, is that the Bishop doesn't really have much to do with hometeaching. That's the High Priest Group Leader (the Elder's quorum isn't the right place here, as the HP's are supposed to home teach single sisters). You might try talking to him, and also the Relief Society president.

3 young kids? Dang that's rough. How are you going to cover your bills? Is the ex writing out monthly child support? I don't know any details, but you might need a lawyer a lot more than the service the church can give you.

[countrygirl66]

hi angela

Sorry it is so hard for you. Wanted to share a few things if it is ok. I am the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I don't really fit in either and have finally gotten to where that is ok. It is still sometimes hard when you see it announced in sacrament meeting or RS that so and so is struggling and the whole ward moves to action, bla bla bla. It isn't that I don't want them to have that but i feel sometime that if my house were on fire they would drive by and give me the nieghborly wave and the end. I live in a ward with really good people but i just don't feel comfortable. I want to give you a couple of suggestions that have helped me if ok. First I would only concentrate on making one friendship at a time my suggestion would be an older sister in the ward. That was mine and for me they are more patient, understanding of difficult situations and have more time. I don't know about your background but i know mine is a very difficult childhood. Experiences like this just make a change in how we think and act and that is ok. It has been my experience that a lot of people that we attend church with haven't been down that road, but some have and it takes a while to find them. One of my best friends in the ward I didn't meet until I had lived here about 3 years. Be patient with yourself and know that heavenly father is very aware of you. The last thing you might think about is contacting the leader of the high priests to assign a highpriest couple to be your home teachers. They are usually a little more mature and can sometimes meet the needs of a single mom better than a priesthood holder alone. I would encourage you to keep asking for what you need. You are helping to train the brethren how to effectively help a single sister. I think with me when I ask and keep asking for what I need I am helping someone sister or brother to learn how to meet the needs of someone with a bad family background. Hang in there and keep trying. I have to remind myself all the time that I don't want to give my blessings away by not being active because of the unknowing insensitivity of others. You are in my prayers. We need sisters like you in our wards, because you help us to grow and learn how to help those that will come after you. Take gentle care of yourself and do the best you can.

[BenRaines]

I know that there are men out there willing to help out. My wife and I have no children at home right now. All have grown up. I go regularly to the Bishop and ask if there are any young men that need someone to take them on activities, to take to Father/Son overnights, to help with scouting. Sort of like Big Brother but in the church.

Sure we are not all perfect and we all have room for improvement. I would concur with Loud Mouth that this is a job for the High Priest Group leader.

Often members end up taking things directly to the Bishop when it needs to be handled with one's priesthood leader first and then if can't to Bishop and then if can't to Stake President.

Moses had the same problem when he was trying to take care of all the issues of the children of Israel. His father in law, Jethro, suggested that he delegate and deal with the more heavy issues. Maybe the Bishop needs to delegate.

Ben Raines

[OneEternalSonata]

Angela,

I truly feel for you and suddenly wonder if there are women in my stake in this same or similar situation. I'm sitting here wracking my brain trying to think of something to help but all I can really offer is my heartfelt admiration and my prayers. I'm not sure exactly when Joseph in Egypt came to realize that the Lord blessed him in the things which befell him, but I know He is there, and in like manner, you are either being blessed or being prepared for a blessing. My heart goes out to you for striving to be a stalwart sister in Zion, and may you soon find the blessings of the 4th watch when the Savior shall say, "Peace, be still."

[RainofGold]

Hello Angela,

Being a single mom of three young boys must be real difficult. And going to a ward where you don't feel support must be even harder.

All I can tell you is that I went to a ward by myself with two little ones, not knowing anyone and feeling the same as your feeling right now. Many times I felt like just staying home and not bothering going to church because no one would miss me. But one of the reasons that I kept going is because I always felt that Heavenly Father trusted "me" with His children and I couldn't let Him or my children down by not taking them to church to learn about our Savior. That's what kept me going, not the members or my bishop or home teacher. The church is true Angela, and the gospel is true. Unfortunately the members don't always live what the church teaches. Those three little boys are going to grow up and be priesthood holders someday and serve missions and get married in the temple. So all the sacrifices that you are making right now are going to be so worth it in the near future.

May the spirit of the Lord guide you and give you the strength that you need.

Rain

[lilered]

Angela: Might I recommend trying another approach for a bit to see how that works. Go to the Bishop or Primary President and ask to assigned as a teacher in the Primary. Get involved with the Primary and attend ward and Relief Society socials and meetings. Find out who the boys Primary Teachers and Scout leaders are and seek them out and ask them to work with you boys as well. I would even suggest personally talking to your assigned Home Teacher and seek his help. In other words, make the effort to get involved and to seek help from those who are assigned.

[richlittell]

I think you are so brave for even trying at all. A lot of women would have bitter feelings coming out of the situation you have. I know some personally who gave up on the church and the lord. The saddest part is, that because of their personal choices (free agency), the children have grown up without any gospel influence and are really not where they should be right now.

Keep hanging in there, for yourself and your children.

I've been going to a ward for six years and I and only one other brother speak English. So I basically sit through meetings not knowing anything, and I have no friends or social life here. I asked the missionaries to stop translating because I just got tired of having someone talk into my ear for three hours every Sunday for so many years. I just sit there and read my scriptures or some other material.

I go for myself and know the Lord loves me.

Your situation is more difficult, I know, but just hang in there!

I wish I had some really great words of wisdom, but I don't.

Just keep praying and reading your scriptures.

[LDSpunkrocker]

All my life, I just haven't felt like I fit in - especially at church. It is one of the main reasons that I became inactive. I have talked with my current bishop about it, and it was no help whatsoever. He basically BLAMED me (or at least it felt that way). He told me that it was my fault for not coming and opening myself up to the ladies at church. I told him that it was hard when you aren't a social person. I promised him that I would try (and basically meet the ward half way with trying to be active). I tried and it was even more uncomfortable than before. I am a single mom with 3 YOUNG children. There is only 1 other single mom in the ward that I know about, and she is less active too. I have asked the bishop to help me out with several small things to help me be more active, such as finding me a different home teacher (one who doesn't wait until the last Sunday of the month and act like it is such a burden to come by). It's not like I haven't tried. I also asked him to find a male role model that would not mind being an example to my 3 BOYS, who have been left without a righteous male figure in their life. My Home Teacher showed up 2 months ago with 2 of the young men in the ward to play ball with my oldest son, but he wasn't home. That is the last time I have had any contact with my HT. I even tried to call him once, but he never got back to me.

I KNOW the church is true. I know it with every ounce of my being. I just don't like going to church. It is physically and emotionally painful for me. Most of the time I leave sacrament meeting in tears because my children are acting up and there is nobody that offers to help me.

I know that the underlying issue in this is that I don't have any self esteem. I don't feel like I mean anything to anyone (and yes, this includes Heavenly Father and Christ). Part of me feels like I am the ONE person who the atonement did not apply to. You can sit here and tell me that they love me all you want and it will just go in one ear and out the other.

I have been depressed since my H walked out on me when I was 3 months pregnant (he didn't want to live the gospel principles and moved in with a girlfriend). The bishop offered to help pay for a little counseling to try to fix the marriage, but balked at the idea of helping with counseling dealing with the divorce.

I TRY not to be judgemental about the bishop and everyone, but I feel like I am slipping through the cracks here. Everyone knows that I am struggling to be active, yet I feel like nobody cares. I have askedfor help with SPECIFIC things, so it's not like they don't know HOW to help.

I am not sure what I am looking for here. Just need to get my emotions out somewhere.

being the black sheep isn't fun, i had some unpleasant experiences in the church when i was younger, sure i was different with my Mohawk, green hair, rebel attitude etc but it didn't warrant the physical abuse i recieved from my peers and even some adults who should have known better. it took me years to realize (or accept ) it wasn't the church but a small group of people who happened to be members of the church. its been years since i was active so i am not sure if its possible but maybe you can look for another ward to attend? forgive me if this has already been said, i didnt read all the responses to your post. you will be in my prayers.

[Nibowaka]

I see this more and more in the Church. It bothers me. Even if members are scornful or abusive, stake and ward leaders should be more in tune with misbehaviors within their stakes and wards and stop them. Yes, people in the Church are not perfect, but that is no excuse for poor behaviors to be tolerated toward other people, whether members or visitors. I suspect many people have left the Church due to being mistreated. That is not how the Lord's Church should work.

[Moksha]

I find the Church of Jesus Christ is welcoming to all, it is just the members that sometimes make things difficult. For whatever reason, fellowship is not as readily given as it is in some other Churches. For myself, I have put that external need on a back burner and concentrated on what I truly get out of Church besides fellowship.

Angela, keep plugging away. The squeeky wheel always gets the grease.

[jimuk]

Angela, you fit in with us just fine, if others have caused you to feel bad then that is their downfall.

Try to keep your chin up girl, you have your own testimony and that is just fine with Heavenly father.

Try to not allow them to make you resentful towards them, show them that you are gods child and are happy with that.

[georgia2]

Hey Angela!

I've been where you are! I was a single mom with 3 kids. Got my divorce after joining the church and husband was also a member. He is an exceptional lier and went around telling all sort of lies about me. Everyone believed him and thought I was the cause of the divorce.

Event the Relief Society pres and Bishop fell for the lies. Talk about feeling alone! I would sit in sacrament with tears flowing down my face. When I decided I was more unhappy AFTER church than before I decided to not go for a while. That lasted about a year, then I realized that I was starting to so things I really didn't want to do. I realized that I was making Satan happy by not taking the kids to church. I decided and made a promise to Heavenly Father that I was NOT going to let him win. (Husband or Satan). I made the resolution to take my kids to church and teach them the Gospel whether any one at church spoke to me or not. I stated going to church to feed my spirit and to learn how to be a better mother.

I had Family Home Evenings, read scriptures to my kids and tried to have a Gospel Centered home. I began to look around and notice when a woman would come in with no man, especially if they had a kid. I then spoke to them and welcomed them to our Ward. After a while I had some very close friends who were also single moms or divorced. You think you are the only one , but believe me , you aren't! Did you know that there is a singles organization in the church? One group under 30, the other over 30. If you don't have an active group in your ward, you probably do have an active singles group in the stake. When I was there I was over 30, (just slightly) and I still went to the younger one and took my kids to activities. My kids loved it! And they got lots of attention from the guys who loved to play sports at the activities.

The most important thing is to develop your relationship with Heavenly Father! Even if you don't feel it, reach out to him and HE will let you know how much He loves you! He will comfort you, he will strengthen you, he will direct you!

I am now a grandma and look back over those hard years and cry because they were some of the hardest yet sweetest and best years of my life! I look back and marvel at how I got through it. The only answer is that I was BLESSED ! And something even more incredible happened! I started to love myself! I began to realize I was special, I was worthy of love! I even sometimes wish I could go back to those days so I could hold my babies in my arms and know that the most important things in this world were right there in my home, in my arms!

[lisajo]

Sorry that things are this way for you, i know how you feel, You know you slipped threw the cracks in church when the RS starts sending you your visiting teaching message threw the mail with no name or return Address. guess they just dont think i am worth visiting!

Edited October 5, 2008 by lisajo
spelling

[Truegrits]

lisajo:

Sorry that things are this way for you, i know how you feel, You know you slipped threw the cracks in church when the RS starts sending you your visiting teaching message threw the mail with no name or return Address. guess they just don't think i am worth visiting!

I think it is human nature to 'personalize' things. To think "I" am being singled out...the only one "this" is happening to. Yet, often, that really is not the case. Chances are, if they are sending you a letter, they are doing so to others. I know for a fact, that in my Ward, Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching is not being done as it should be. My thought would be that the Sister/ Relief Society...sent that message out to many of the sisters, not just you. It is the easy way to say "I did my teaching this month." I know sisters that if they see you out in your yard, and they stop and say "HI", they count that; they stop and speak to you in the isle of the local food mart...it counts!

So, it is not that YOU are not worth the time; it is that their calling is not worth their time.

Please do not think you are not worthy or important; you are.

You are a beloved Daughter of our Heavenly Father; He loves you dearly.

[Moksha]

I see this more and more in the Church. It bothers me. Even if members are scornful or abusive, stake and ward leaders should be more in tune with misbehaviors within their stakes and wards and stop them. Yes, people in the Church are not perfect, but that is no excuse for poor behaviors to be tolerated toward other people, whether members or visitors. I suspect many people have left the Church due to being mistreated. That is not how the Lord's Church should work.

Great subject for multiple Sacrament meeting and General conference talks.

[Maya]

First: PunkRocker: Mohawk, green hair!! I would like one with green in the middle and orange on sides!!

Hi Angela... been there too... sometimes I think the Church is full of scared lost people who are so scared to contact others so they just keep quiet in their pain! We are so afraid of opening our hearts to other pople. Yes I have opened my hart... and yes I been badly hurt. And even more I been hurt of ghossiping. But the only thing one has to understand is that the person that hurts you or ghossips about you is doing wrong. The person not helping one in need is doing wrong.

This is also a big problem for the priesthood... who is entitled for help who manages witout. I have recieved some help and many times none. I am kind of stubborn person so I am stil here asI think that God and serving Him is more importnat than my hurt feelings. So I suppose I am a survivor and that is why I been kicked around like a football.

I wish there was something, one could do, to make singles and alone mothers feel membership and Gods love more than they do now. Been twice in the latter gategory, many times wondering WHY I am draging my kids to Church every Sunday. But I KNOW that was the right thing to do.

I been in primary/childrensroom some 20 years. I missed all the reliefsociety and now I feel a srtanger there... out of place. To my horror they put me in young women... campleader I think it is. Now I am enjoying fully to study the NT and JS. I have never had possibility to that before because of small kids or primary. I was happy in primary... I know kids! I have mixed toughts about grownups though. They smile at you with a digger behind their back. But I dont really care any more I am way beyond that, it is their problem not mine. :)

[Laureltree]

As a single mom of four, I completely know your struggles...:)

Do what your bishop said, yes...its hard but it does pay off I promise.

Tell your bishop also you need help with counceling, be honest and simply say hey...I'm asking for your help because I truly need it. Open communication and pushing foward will pay off, just have faith....