Religion/Life complications

[daenvgiell]

Ok so I'm about to write down what I don't tell anyone... except for my parents (and even then it took me months to tell them)

I like someone, he's 29 years old (11 years older than me), he likes me back. We both know how we feel each other. One major problem... he's anglican. While I believe it's great that he has some form of religion in his life, It also makes things complicated, as you know, we don't see eye to eye on issues. He likes his tea and coffee, he swears every now and then, and he drinks alcohol... not excessively, he says he likes a nice glass of wine at dinner or he'll have a few beers or something. I don't know how often.

So he's off to a party tonight, he invites me along. It's a friends 21st, I know this person from uni and I know that without a doubt there will be alcohol there, so I knock back the invitation, another reason I also have for knocking back the invite is that I'm not much of a party person, I don't feel like I fit in especially as I'm the only mormon there. High school all over again, I can't get away from it, never, no matter where I go, it's bad enough that I'm facing the whole doubt thing about the church and everything as well (but that's a different story, which some may know about because it was already posted on here). Anyway, he said to me "You hide away from it, you shouldn't, you must be proud to be a mormon and therefore choose not to drink. Not because you never go anywhere it's an issue..."

I've always believed in staying away from tempation as much as possible, I don't want to have to be faced with the situation, I don't want to have to worry about drinks being spiked and things like that. What is your opinion? do you think it is ok to go to places that have alcohol, or do you think I should just keep doing what I'm doing and avoid them altogether.

If I avoid them, I wont ever go anywhere because my friends... all of them at uni, aren't mormons, I am the only one. I am sick and tired of being stuck inside all the time watching movies or something like that, I want to be able to go out and have a good time too, but I don't know if it will ever happen.

On this whole guy and thing, we are sort of "dating" and if you ask most members they would advise me not to, its just the way we think and I know it, but I have never felt this way about anyone, although that's not saying much because I'm only 18, but yeah can't control my feelings. My parents know we like each other, and my mum has even said to me that if we ever did become "boyfriend/girlfried" she would support me, and that if it ever did lead to marriage, she would also support me. I keep saying things like what about Temple Marriage (which I don't understand why I see it as so important when I'm having a faith crisis) and she says, she would rather see me happily married to a non member than to a member and being unhappy. I believe this guy would make me happy IF it ever did lead to marriage.

So yeah... I'm lost... like really lost. Any advise on any of this wiould be much appreciated.

Oh and sorry for the long post... I seem to be doing that a lot lately, guess that's what happens when you don't get out much and don't have anyone to talk to. (story of my life) Ok I'll shutup now.

[countrygirl66]

hi daenvgiell

I had a couple of thought to share hope they help a little. I dated this guy that I liked sooooo much. I mean he was awsome it really could of gone somewhere. Only problem, I was a good mormon and he was a good catholic. We were talking one night and he was telling me how exciting it was when he went to rome and got to see the pope from a distance. I knew then that it would be too big of a difference for us. It was heartbreaking probably more for me than him but we went our different ways. In the end he married a good catholic girl and is very happy I married a good mormon boy and am happy. I will never regret that decision. My kids baptised, having the priesthood in my home, my kids being active and working towards their own temple marriages. Don't make a decision based on what you want right now for what you really want.

Also I do sometimes go to family things where there is alcahol etc. I take my own drinks and make sure they have a screw on lid and keep them with me. If I do have a drink there I make it myself and keep it with me, if I set it down I don't touch it again. Better safe than sorry. Take care.

[BenRaines]

Inside or outside the church I think the 11 year age difference is a bit much. If you were 40 and he were 51 that wouldn't be such a big thing but 18 and 29. If it were my daughter I would say get clear. A guy is 29 and still going to uni or is he a teacher?

Find some kids from uni your age and go out with them. LDS or not you can go with them. If the drinking gets out of hand by some then leave.

Personally and I am 54, the only parties I have been where alcohol was served are weddings and office parties. I joined the church at 16 and made a decision that my standards were more important than going to feel a part of any specific group. My good fortune was to have four or five good friends who were LDS also and did not go to these parties either.

We were all very popular in high school, played football all four years, wrestled, basketball and baseball but we didn't go to the parties afterwards. We made our own.

That is just my experience.

Back to the old guy you are dating. I would say as I am sure your parents would, no.

Prison Chaplain always has a good reference in these situations. It is difficult being unevenly yoked. If you were two horses or oxen hooked to a wagon you would often be pulling in different directions.

Ben Raines

[Guest tomk]

The Lord's counsel is clear. He desires that you are sealed to your husband for time and all eternity. Marrying someone outside your faith is a risk.

I have gone through some of the loneliness you are feeling. It can be hard to be the only, or one of few "mormons" around. Our ideals are not honored by other people. Our decision to abstain from drugs, alcohol and tobacco is laughed at. Our decision to refrain from sexual relations until after marriage is laughed at.

We can give you advice, but only YOU can decide what you want to do. Choose carefully. You can make the choice, but you cannot choose the consequence. Think about how the choices you are making now will affect you in the future. What kind of man do you want in your life forever? How do you want to raise your children? Do you want them to be sealed in the temple? Choose for yourself the same things you want for your future children...and their children. One righteous decision NOW can have a huge impact on the generations that follow.

The choice is yours!

Counsel with the Lord. Ask for His help. Ask for the courage to stand-up for what you believe in. Ask that the Lord bring people into your life that will bless you and strengthen you. BE that kind of person for other people!! There may be someone else at your school who is struggling like you. Who needs a friend! Pray for the opportunity to be that friend...and your own struggles will be healed in the process!

[WANDERER]

I think the best thing you can do is pray about these sorts of decisions...and go with what the Spirit tells you.

You don't know everything about this guy...as nice as he is...keep your heart safe and your head in gear. Unfortuneately...most of the really important things come out later on...when you're in deeper into a relationship. And that is pretty painful. I don't think it's such a good idea...but I can tell you're not really in that head space yet. He doesn't care whether you drink or not...but he's not going to change who he is...so which one of you does in the end?

Add to that: wear sensible shoes, carry a well charged mobile phone with speed dial for cab, cab fare and keys...not in your bag...on you. If you feel uncomfortable leave...and no, you don't have to say goodbye or tell your date...worry about being polite later...you can make that phone call when you're in the cab and on your way home. You should always be prepared...even if the situation is unlikely...at ALL times.

Not so sure about the pressure to go to the 21st....you'd be stuck there...and he wouldn't want to leave cause it's his friend's birthday...and 21sts can get out of hand. I don't think he's thinking straight. If it was meeting friends somewhere for soda before they head on somewhere else and ; ) you are on your way to somewhere else...a kind of controlled situation where you could leave at any time...I'd say he put a bit more thought into it ...something so that you can skill up for situations where you're going to have to say no thanks, not for me.

I think you're going to have to generate social occasions that don't involve problems for you: dinners, board game nights, bring a desert nights, dvd marathons, outdoorsy things...whatever. Uni students generally don't have a lot of money, miss home and aren't so grown up that they want to party all of the time...they still want to do *comfort* things. Hey, they'll just think your a bit of a health nut if you only have decaf on hand : ).

Remember they have parents and siblings too...and there they are just one of the kids...that's what going home to parents is for.

Edited October 4, 2008 by WANDERER

[thejason]

For me it comes down to children. Let's say you two get married and have children. What do you teach them, his beliefs or your own? Clearly you cannot teach both. Would you then choose to teach them nothing, thus minimizing the chance of them having any religious teaching? As a parent I want my kids to learn the same truths I hold dear, and if I had married someone of differing beliefs it would make this difficult.

Being in a relationship with someone of the same faith does not imply that those of other faiths are less important. It only makes for continuity in the family.

[Guest ceeboo]

Hi daenvgiell,

Not sure if I SHOULD give you my 2 cents ( Catholic ) but I thought I would offer you a short response, for what it may be worth.:)

God works in many mysterious ways.:)

I have seen several " same religion " marriages that were and are less than " Christ like "

( Certainly including my religion, Catholic )

and have seen many other " different religion " marriages ( atleast at the time of the marriage ) that have been completly loaded with love, faith, and happiness, and indeed are excellent followers of Christ.

Just my 2 cents, If you are interested in this guy, YOU need to see where it leads.:)

God bless,

Carl

[Misshalfway]

Take your time! :) That is my advise. You have a lot of life to live and much in the way of discovery about who you are and what you want. It is more important than ever that you cultivate the Holy Spirit in your life. Make sure you listen to its promptings. God is the only one who really knows what is best for you.

If you were my daughter, the age difference would be a big concern to me. The religious difference can be an issue.....not always, though. Cheiko Okasaki is a great example. Her beloved Ed was not LDS when they married. But he was good. But when I was 18, I am not sure I understood what was best because I wanted what I wanted.....the guy.

Be wise. Discipline your mind and your heart as the Spirit guides you. Romance is a wonderfully exhilarating ride, but may not in some cases always reveal to us what is best. Remember the counsel that we have received -- marry the right person, in the right place, at the right time. And then let the Spirit guide to you to a marriage partner that will support you in the keeping of your covenants.

[WANDERER]

Ah....location:Aus.

21st party...he's drinking....you're not...who is driving? Yes...everyone loves the non-drinking designated driver...dates and friends come out of the woodwork.

The last 21st I went to: involved about 30 people..including nanna, aunts, uncles and some older teens and various friends...there was a stripper, a yard glass and people brought stuff other than alcohol (all...er...presents)...and that's the problem. One of the three girls I went with was a happy teetotaller...she was just fine ... we all brought eskies with non-alcoholic drinks in them..if you don't have a drink (water, diet coke, pretend alcohol is available or whatever) and the other person does..they will offer. Tip: If you put a holder over a small coke bottle you don't have to have the *I don't drink* discussion. I wouldn't have gone if I had known...but as it was...I laughed a lot...oh yeah...and I had my car...I could leave any time. To be honest...much of it was boring...going out doesn't mean that you're not bored. I used to go out every night of the week in my social floosie days....it got very boring...bbqs, dinners, parties ...stand around...talk...talk to people in various states of intoxication. I prefer *doing* stuff: camping, bushwalking, movies etc. The point of the first is to organise the latter I guess.

[daenvgiell]

Thankyou all for your input so far. I need to clarify some things though. My parents are well aware of the large age gap, they are fine with it, we have talked deeply into the issue pretty much covering everything... even well into marriage, I just want to see what other people are thinking and what their opinions are, I am grateful for the responses so far and appreciate all the advise you are giving me.

What goes on in my head: I get comfortable thinking I can handle the situation, knowing that I will end up sacrificing a lot if her never changes (which if he did I would be extremely surprised), and then another small issue may arise with its differences between the two of us and I have to start from scratch again, usually resulting to the previous thoughts I had, of this is not going to ever work out, not to my favour anyway.

You may think that what I want now, is the guy. Don't get me wrong I would be very happy to get the guy, but I have also been thinking about this issue for a long time now, it's not something that has just come up, I do think about things long and hard... and then always wonder why I'm so indecisive.

I have always had my eyes set on the temple marriage goal, but my parents also brought to my attention of something that I was not aware of. Of the generation of my parents and all the people they know that got married in the temple, they are few of who are still married. It just brings it to my attention, that even though I want a temple marriage, it doesn't mean it is goig to stay that way. Having said that it also doesn't mean that if I married outside the temple that it would last either. I know that if any children I had would not be sealed to me, and that there would be conflictions of which church do they go to, what do we teach them, do we teach them any of it?

I don't want to sound like a stuck up "teenager" who thinks they know it all. I'm not trying to come across like that at all. All I want to say is that I have thought about this, I am still thinking about it, and I know it's not going to be easy. I'm struggling enough at the moment with my beliefs let alone this issue.

Sorry for the long winded post... AGAIN...

[Moksha]

Inside or outside the church I think the 11 year age difference is a bit much. If you were 40 and he were 51 that wouldn't be such a big thing but 18 and 29.

That was exactly what I was thinking from the original post. Sometimes it is nearly impossible to advise about young love. They need to learn by their own mistakes, however Daenvgiell has impressed me as being quite level headed. There has been some good advice offered.

[prisonchaplain]

OK, I'm closer to Anglican than LDS, but here's my humble opinion: Don't date someone who is not qualified as a marriage partner. Are you willing to marry an Anglican? If so, are you willing to become one? Or...would you just hope he converts? The Apostle Paul instructs us not to be "unequally yoked." In other words, believers should not marry unbelievers. Granted, you may consider Anglicans to be Christians. But, does that mean you're willing to become one? If not, why not? Because you don't believe the same??? Unequal yoking.

Some matters are not black and white, but gray. Romance may see like that, but when it comes to marrying, this is one of the most "black/white" issues there is.

[Maya]

My husband is 9 years older than me and believe me, after him passing 60 it will not only show it will feel! I was 40 he was 49 when we married... but it wont last. So if you marry marry for ever!

[hordak]

Inside or outside the church I think the 11 year age difference is a bit much. If you were 40 and he were 51 that wouldn't be such a big thing but 18 and 29.

Ben hit the nail on the head. IMO this is a much bigger issue then religion. You and this guy are in different life stages .When you get older these stages spread out further and age isn't as important. If you take a Psy class you should learn all about it.

As for the alcohol it really depends on you and your ability to avoid per pressure.I know when i stopped drinking I couldn't stand to be around my friend when they drank, not because i couldn't say no but because drunks are extremely annoying when you are sober.This is why drinking is a group activity for most.

Best of luck in ether case.

[Jbs2763]

Inside or outside the church I think the 11 year age difference is a bit much. If you were 40 and he were 51 that wouldn't be such a big thing but 18 and 29. If it were my daughter I would say get clear. A guy is 29 and still going to uni or is he a teacher?

Ben Raines

I could forsee dating people with a large age gap in the near future, I bombed out of college right out of high school, so I've been working like a dog for the last decade....I'm about to go back to college to finally get my degree and i'll be 30 when i start.

Thanks for re-assuring the old creepy factor that has been keeping me from doing this for this long ben...lol

[Misshalfway]

Thankyou all for your input so far. I need to clarify some things though. My parents are well aware of the large age gap, they are fine with it, we have talked deeply into the issue pretty much covering everything... even well into marriage, I just want to see what other people are thinking and what their opinions are, I am grateful for the responses so far and appreciate all the advise you are giving me.

What goes on in my head: I get comfortable thinking I can handle the situation, knowing that I will end up sacrificing a lot if her never changes (which if he did I would be extremely surprised), and then another small issue may arise with its differences between the two of us and I have to start from scratch again, usually resulting to the previous thoughts I had, of this is not going to ever work out, not to my favour anyway.

You may think that what I want now, is the guy. Don't get me wrong I would be very happy to get the guy, but I have also been thinking about this issue for a long time now, it's not something that has just come up, I do think about things long and hard... and then always wonder why I'm so indecisive.

I have always had my eyes set on the temple marriage goal, but my parents also brought to my attention of something that I was not aware of. Of the generation of my parents and all the people they know that got married in the temple, they are few of who are still married. It just brings it to my attention, that even though I want a temple marriage, it doesn't mean it is goig to stay that way. Having said that it also doesn't mean that if I married outside the temple that it would last either. I know that if any children I had would not be sealed to me, and that there would be conflictions of which church do they go to, what do we teach them, do we teach them any of it?

I don't want to sound like a stuck up "teenager" who thinks they know it all. I'm not trying to come across like that at all. All I want to say is that I have thought about this, I am still thinking about it, and I know it's not going to be easy. I'm struggling enough at the moment with my beliefs let alone this issue.

Sorry for the long winded post... AGAIN...

I tend towards long winded posts myself. I don't mind :)

The fact that you are struggling with your belief set is another reason why you should slow things down. Give yourself the gift of exploration. You need to explore your beliefs at this time in your life. You are doing exactly what is normal for your season of life. Making huge life decisions before your foundation is laid is somewhat precarious. There are those of us who have lived long enough to regret some of our choices or to rethink the logic we used in the past. You are not "stuck up" or stubborn. You are wonderful! And you are trying to do the best with your life. Recognizing that you are young and that you do still have blind spots and that you can't see around corners well, isn't a mistake in any degree. It is maturity and the beginnings of wisdom. I am almost 40 and the older I get the more I realize how much I don't know and the more keenly aware I become of my blind spots.

Be wise. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. Trust the Spirit....even if it isn't what you want to hear and even if it is different that the advise you receive. If I had listened to the advise I received from my parents and my bishop, I would have married the wrong man and been divorced with two small children. Heavenly Father gave me that vision in my mind. I said no to the boy and disappointed everyone, but it was still the right choice. Saying no was so hard.....I mean the ring alone! It was huge! :) But I trusted the Spirit of the Lord and it did not fail me.

Edited October 6, 2008 by Misshalfway

[StallionMcBeastly]

I think he is a molester and you need to find someone your age.

Honestly.

Don't be offended.

[Canuck Mormon]

I think he is a molester and you need to find someone your age.

Honestly.

Don't be offended.

WOW!!! :o:o A little over the top don't you think??? You don't even know this person and you're calling them a molester. Classy.