Should we take away our 19-year-old's phone and car?

[Wingnut]

I have three sons: 37, 33, and 28.

Each paid for their OWN college, including the one in college now.

The one who drives paid for his OWN car.

None ever needed a cell phone while they were growing up. ::shrug::

I guess it just is a personal choice.

I'm making a big assumption here, but perhaps the reason that one of your sons (the youngest being 28) is still in college is because he has received no financial support from mom and dad?

If I am making an assumption, and he's in grad school, medical school, going back to school, etc., that is something different. But perhaps he is just "still" in school?

Edited November 26, 2008 by Wingnut

[mightynancy]

I don't think that reaching the age of 19 makes someone magically able to support herself. I do think, however, that wanting to make one's own adult choices in one part of life brings with it the responsibility to take on other adult matters, like paying one's way. It's ridiculous to claim "I'm an adult! I'll choose!" in regards to co-ed sleepovers, but at the same time claim "I'm a child! Pay for my phone!"

[MarginOfError]

If my mother had kicked me out for having sex with my boyfriend or essentially did for making rules that she knew I would not or could not follow I would not have taken it well at all.

A valid point, and a good time to bring up to all the parents whose children will turn from adolescents to young adults in the future: the proper time to talk about and set these rules is BEFORE they're in college. In their junior year, when they begin looking at colleges, is the time to start talking about what rules and aspects of your relationship will change when they become young adults.

[Elgama]

Amen Ruthie. It's tough in today's world. The deal I made with my own kids are..as long as they are full time in school they can live at home rent free.

Another Amen to that I see it as my job to set my kids on the right path part of that is a good education, and that education is ultimately what will help a child who is going down the wrong path have the strength to turn round and make decisions for themselves.

My personal view is if your teachings have failed and had no impact at 19 its a bit late to be taking any action unless she is in anyway endangering other people in the family.

-Charley

[applepansy]

I have always been willing to help support my children as long as they were doing what they were suppose to. However, if they don't follow the rules after age 18... if they are making and acting on adult decisions, then I don't pay for things like phone and car. I don't cut them off. . .I help in other ways and I never withdraw love.

You can love her without supporting her financially in a lifestyle you don't agree with.

applepansy

All four of my children no longer live at home. Of the four only one chose to go to college. My kids paid for their own cars at age 16. . . or rather we were the bank and they made payments on their car.

Cell phones. . . with my older boys they weren't available/affordable or necessary. With my 20yo daughter. I handed her a phone WITH her driver's license at age 16. There were safey issues.

My children have always understood the rules and our standards. They were great kids. . . then they turned 18. And I had an instant WANNABE-adult on my hands who was cocky and disobedient and pushed the limits. My daughter tried to be more diplomatic.

I too told them all that if they were in school I would pay for housing, register their car and cell phone. If they aren't in school. . .get a job. But none of this has to do with the opening post.

The issue of Adult children sleepovers really bothers me. Its wrong. If sex isn't happening it will eventually. In an age when parents didn't discuss sex with their children, my grandfather said "Put them in the same room long enough and they'll figure it out." hmmmmm He was speaking from experience. My children know my rules and sleepovers in the same bed let alone the same room are not allowed. . . you do NOT sleep in the same bed with your "friend" in my HOUSE. End of story. This is one fence my kids have never pushed in my house.

Back to my first post "You can love her without supporting her financially in a lifestyle you don't agree with."

I think that we have become the generation who has enabled our children to not grow up. . . unfortunately we've had a lot of interference from Media, Schools, MTV, etc. A Social Worker told me that today's 20-something were raised by the "village" more than any other generation. SCAREY! And it shows in their actions as a group. . . I pray for the individuals who are trying to rise above the crowd. They are truly valiant spirits.

applepansy

[ruthiechan]

My children know my rules and sleepovers in the same bed let alone the same room are not allowed. . . you do NOT sleep in the same bed with your "friend" in my HOUSE. End of story. This is one fence my kids have never pushed in my house.

This is what the OP said: "Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the DORMITORY would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex." (emphasis added)

So, this whole pedestal of "not in my house" crap that some keep spouting DOES NOT APPLY. Because it's not happening in the OP's house at all. It's happening in her child's DORM ROOM. Hence my commentary above. Take away her phone? Her car? Yeah, that's good. That'll really help if things get out of hand and she LITERALLY needs to flee home.

[Elgama]

Just curious how did you find out about the sleepovers? like I said in a previous post no way would my parents at 19 have had that much knowledge about my college life as I saw it it was none of their business.

-Charley

[Guest Alana]

I still don't have a cell phone. Just saying. Even my 8 year old neighbor has one...

And all the discussion about paying for college, it is completely possible to go to college with out any money from mom and dad. Of course, going to a community college for the first two years instead of CalTech might be a good idea, but loans for college aren't the end of the world.

[Guest DeborahC]

I'm making a big assumption here, but perhaps the reason that one of your sons (the youngest being 28) is still in college is because he has received no financial support from mom and dad?

If I am making an assumption, and he's in grad school, medical school, going back to school, etc., that is something different. But perhaps he is just "still" in school?

No, actually, the reason he is in college is because he bought his first house at age 21 and was making great money in the Computer industry working for Time Warner. When he reached the glass ceiling because he had no college education, he decided to sell his house and use the money for college...

And as far as "living in a different time" goes.. yes, that's true, but I don't believe it's any more dangerous than it was then.

We're just brainwashed into believing it is more dangerous.

What's dangerous to me is the brainwashing and the FEAR we've bought into...

Edited November 26, 2008 by DeborahC

[applepansy]

This is what the OP said: "Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the DORMITORY would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex." (emphasis added)

So, this whole pedestal of "not in my house" crap that some keep spouting DOES NOT APPLY. Because it's not happening in the OP's house at all. It's happening in her child's DORM ROOM. Hence my commentary above. Take away her phone? Her car? Yeah, that's good. That'll really help if things get out of hand and she LITERALLY needs to flee home.

Dear Ruthie,

That "pedestal" is one I will proudly stand on. And as far as supporting her sleeping with her friends in the dorm then I would choose to NOT pay for the dorm room. If I'm paying for the dorm then it has the same rules as my house.

When adult children choose to make adult decisions then they should be prepared to finance those decisons themselves. Its wrong for them to expect their parents to finance their bad choices, most especially when the parents do not agree with the decisions.

applepansy

[applepansy]

And as far as "living in a different time" goes.. yes, that's true, but I don't believe it's any more dangerous than it was then.

We're just brainwashed into believing it is more dangerous.

What's dangerous to me is the brainwashing and the FEAR we've bought into...

With all due respect . . . It is not brainwashing to walk out to my car with my daughter in a downtown grocery store parking lot (in UTAH) and get blocked in by three cars full of gang members.

We do not live in the same world that I grew up in. I'm sure glad we had a cell phone.

It is not brainwashing when you watch someone shot in downtown Salt Lake City from behind the closed and locked doors of an secure apartment building. That didn't happen in the downtown Salt Lake City my Dad grew up and he never thought he'd witness something like that in his Home Town.

No one has been brainwashed into believing we live in a more dangerous time. Its a fact. All you have to do is be aware of your surroundings to see things that didn't happen 40 years ago. . .even 20 years ago . . . and I'll be so bold as to bring it closer. . .10 years ago.

applepansy

Edited November 26, 2008 by applepansy

[lilered]

To those who suggest taking this to the Bishop - Sorry I don't agree with the logic. For me, this is a parenting/family issue. Mom and Pop do not share the same values as their daughter and have concerns about her recent choices. As parents, they must make the decisons that make theim feel comfortable concerning their child. They child has her agency to accept or reject those decisions. Once the child makes her decision then it may or maynot be a matter for the Bishop, unless of course the parents want to seek a second opinion/reenforcment. The Bishop should not be a substitute for good parenting and in my view this childs parents are seeking the best way to handle a situation. IMHO

[applepansy]

I think it's odd that people are saying you need to cut the apron strings. How many of those people still call their parents for advice? Oh, cut off those apron strings, figure your crap out for yourself...... Hm, I don't like that attitude. It stinks.

I cut the apron strings. My children know I love them and after they got over their tantrum about Mom not financially supporting their lifestyle and choices they realized Mom loves them. They have more respect for me and more respect for themselves. We have a better relationship. They even call for advice. If that stinks. . .it smells like perfume to me.

I really do not understand this fixation that just because you're 18 or 19 years old that you should magically be able to support yourself AND go to school.

Its a fact, nothing magical about it. Its called Work. Anyone determined to go to school will find a way with or without their parents. I can list many examples starting with three of my own siblings AND my 20yo daughter.

You CAN NOT FORCE SOMEONE TO REPENT. It MUST come from within, and when that time happens she will need you but if you screw this up she won't come to you and then you really will lose her.

I totally agree! And a child should not FORCE their parents to financially support them when they are making adult decisions and choices that are against the parents moral standards. What ever happened to growing up? Except, when my children stood on their own two feet they did eventually thank me and I didn't lose them.

Now, I ask you, have you PRAYED about what course of action to take? The Lord will instruct you on what to do. Read your scriptures so you foster divine inspiration. Love her, show her you love her. Feel compassion towards her. Support her in all her righteous doings. And know there is hope for her no matter what mistakes she may be making now.

This is the first thing all parents should do with children (whatever age) before intervening in any way. We should always have hope also. . . With the Lord all things are possible including wayward children turning their life around. If you never stop loving your children they will know you still love them and the consequences of their actions are not connected to your love for them.

I am a Temple Worthy Woman now. At the time of my troubles with the law of chastity it didn't seem like to my family I would ever be, but I am now. If there's hope for me, there's hope for your daughter. Prayer, love and true doctrine are the ways to combat this.

This is wondcerful. I'm very happy for you. That was a hard road.

I hope that made sense . . . I don't now how to do multiple quotes. It never works for me.

With love,

applepansy

Edited November 26, 2008 by applepansy
typo and an addition

[Guest DeborahC]

With all due respect . . . It is not brainwashing to walk out to my car with my daughter in a downtown grocery store parking lot (in UTAH) and get blocked in by three cars full of gang members.

We do not live in the same world that I grew up in. I'm sure glad we had a cell phone.

It is not brainwashing when you watch someone shot in downtown Salt Lake City from behind the closed and locked doors of an secure apartment building. That didn't happen in the downtown Salt Lake City my Dad grew up and he never thought he'd witness something like that in his Home Town.

No one has been brainwashed into believing we live in a more dangerous time. Its a fact. All you have to do is be aware of your surroundings to see things that didn't happen 40 years ago. . .even 20 years ago . . . and I'll be so bold as to bring it closer. . .10 years ago.

applepansy

Well, I agree that times are dangerous, but as to "more" dangerous, I think I disagree.

I think we're just more aware of the danger.

I believe that people are basically good and that crime happens in all cities in all times, where you have people (or mice) shoved together with no jobs, no income, no way out (in their minds).

Kids have been kidnapped forever. Remember the Lindburg kidnapping in 1932? How many children do you think may have been kidnapped and never reported because their fathers were not famous? I was kidnapped when I was 3 (1955) and hit by a hit/run driver at 5 (1957). Both perpetrators were WOMEN, by the way! Neither were even reported in the local newspaper!

My grandparents were robbed on their way to California from Arkansas during the dustbowl. According to them, there was a LOT of crime back then. You had to watch everything that wasn't tied down and robbery was common.

Think also to the goldmining days in California or the Westward rush.. why do you think they called it 'wild?'

I've had my own share of violence, but honestly, I don't think it's out of the ordinary. I just haven't led a sheltered life.

I was flim-flammed for $50 (like $500 now) when I was 21 living in the Caribbean in 1973.

My boss was murdered in 1975 in St. Croix in a drug-related blowout.

My husband was mugged and robbed in 1973.

I was in St. Croix for the Fountain Valley Massacre in 1972.

My good friend died of a drug overdose in 1969.

When I was a young girl, our neighbor (a teen) stayed home from Wednesday night church to work on her prom dress. Her parents came home and she was gone. They found her body in the canal out behind our houses (we lived in farm country). She had been beaten, raped, stabbed, strangled, and thrown into the canal. That would have been around 1962. Her name was Marlene Miller. That was in Hanford, CA.

Then when living in Bakersfield/Oildale area, a black person did not dare to cross the bridge into Oildale after dark. This was true up into the late 80's.

My stepfather was a policeman in Glendora, CA. There were plenty of gangs then - do you remember the Watts riots?

The Onion Field murders in 1963?

How about Kent State.. you remember that?

The difference (to me) is that THEN we didn't have the eye-in-the-sky media, so we didn't get minute to minute reports of the crime that did occur, unless the victim was wealthy and/or well-known or unless it was of "riot" size.

I guess, for me, there is LESS crime now!

And I don't own a cell-phone!

I figure if people need to get in touch with me, they can call my house and leave a message.

I don't care to be available 24/7 -- to anyone!

Despite all of this crime talk, I believe people are basically good.

But we're so conditioned to afraid by the media, we see everyone who is different as "the enemy" and fear rises in our throats like bile, freezing us.

Sorry, I just generally disagree, and I also disagree with parents paying bills for their adult children. It does not help them. It makes them believe the world owes them something and in the end, in my opinion, it retards their progression.

But that's just me... people should just follow their own instincts.

[Guest DeborahC]

Ruthiechan said: I really do not understand this fixation that just because you're 18 or 19 years old that you should magically be able to support yourself AND go to school.

I say: You are 100% exactly RIGHT! Children should NOT be expected to magically be responsible at 18 or 19. Nope. Instead, we should teach them responsibility from a very early age. They should be washing dishes, taking out the trash, doing their laundry, washing the car, cutting the grass, and being paid a small allowance and taught to use it wisely from the time they are 4 or 5 years old. They should be allowed to get small jobs from the time they express an interest in doing so. THAT WAY, by the time they're 18 or 19, they're ready to be on their own!

I told mine, you better learn these skills because when you're 18, you get a SUITCASE for your birthday!

They did, and are doing just fine.

And I'm proud to say that they are rearing my grandchildren the same way.

My 4 year old grandson WORKS for his allowance, which he SAVES and then is allowed to spend a portion of when he wants some new toy.

My 5 year old granddaughter washes my dishes and helps me make the bed when she visits. We also cook together and I taught her to do laundry last visit. She is PROUD to be able to do it!

To think they'll wake up at 18 or 19 and magically be responsible is... well... irresponsible, in my opinion!

[applepansy]

Well, I agree that times are dangerous, but as to "more" dangerous, I think I disagree.

I think we're just more aware of the danger.

I believe that people are basically good and that crime happens in all cities in all times, where you have people (or mice) shoved together with no jobs, no income, no way out (in their minds).

Kids have been kidnapped forever. Remember the Lindburg kidnapping in 1932? How many children do you think may have been kidnapped and never reported because their fathers were not famous? I was kidnapped when I was 3 (1955) and hit by a hit/run driver at 5 (1957). Both perpetrators were WOMEN, by the way! Neither were even reported in the local newspaper!

My grandparents were robbed on their way to California from Arkansas during the dustbowl. According to them, there was a LOT of crime back then. You had to watch everything that wasn't tied down and robbery was common.

Think also to the goldmining days in California or the Westward rush.. why do you think they called it 'wild?'

I've had my own share of violence, but honestly, I don't think it's out of the ordinary. I just haven't led a sheltered life.

I was flim-flammed for $50 (like $500 now) when I was 21 living in the Caribbean in 1973.

My boss was murdered in 1975 in St. Croix in a drug-related blowout.

My husband was mugged and robbed in 1973.

I was in St. Croix for the Fountain Valley Massacre in 1972.

My good friend died of a drug overdose in 1969.

When I was a young girl, our neighbor (a teen) stayed home from Wednesday night church to work on her prom dress. Her parents came home and she was gone. They found her body in the canal out behind our houses (we lived in farm country). She had been beaten, raped, stabbed, strangled, and thrown into the canal. That would have been around 1962. Her name was Marlene Miller. That was in Hanford, CA.

Then when living in Bakersfield/Oildale area, a black person did not dare to cross the bridge into Oildale after dark. This was true up into the late 80's.

My stepfather was a policeman in Glendora, CA. There were plenty of gangs then - do you remember the Watts riots?

The Onion Field murders in 1963?

How about Kent State.. you remember that?

The difference (to me) is that THEN we didn't have the eye-in-the-sky media, so we didn't get minute to minute reports of the crime that did occur, unless the victim was wealthy and/or well-known or unless it was of "riot" size.

I guess, for me, there is LESS crime now!

And I don't own a cell-phone!

I figure if people need to get in touch with me, they can call my house and leave a message.

I don't care to be available 24/7 -- to anyone!

Despite all of this crime talk, I believe people are basically good.

But we're so conditioned to afraid by the media, we see everyone who is different as "the enemy" and fear rises in our throats like bile, freezing us.

Sorry, I just generally disagree, and I also disagree with parents paying bills for their adult children. It does not help them. It makes them believe the world owes them something and in the end, in my opinion, it retards their progression.

But that's just me... people should just follow their own instincts.

The two incidents I spoke of weren't news worthy. . . Yet 20 years ago they would have been. There has always been violence especially in the bigger cities. I've been fortunate to grow up in a place where the world was held at bay as long as possible. I see changes in our safety. . . and it hasn't nothing to do with what's on the news.

We'll agree to disagree because our experiences are different.

I agree that children should be standing on their own two feet.

applepansy

[ruthiechan]

Ready to be on their own and then lose their job during an economic down turn?

What you described is FANTASTIC at instilling a positive work ethic. However, going to school AND working is very hard to do. What happens is that work wins out over school. There's a fellow in my Statistics class who is having a rough time with it, and mostly it is due to the fact that his place of work will schedule him to work during class time even though they agreed not to, and then he's faced with a choice. Work these hours to get enough money to pay for rent, or not work these hours so I can learn the material but not be able to pay for rent. Hm, which do you think will win out?

Working to 100% support yourself and going to school is not easy, especially if you are working a regular peon job, you know retail of some sort. All those job losses that are happening? It's the peon's that are generally losing their jobs or getting their hours cut. And it's the peon jobs that kids right out of high school get. Why? Because in general they don't have any other verifiable skill set to do anything else.

Some people are able to do it without having their grades suffer, and that's great, however, not everyone can.

Regarding to the OP's question, should she take away her daughter's phone and car? NO. Let's say her b/f gets violent one day, or rapes her or whatever. She'll need to be able to get to Mom.

Also, the logical progression from you're having co-ed sleeping in your dorm room so now I'm going to take away your phone and car is not logical at all. That is the easy thing to do. Quick take away stuff from your kid because they're being bad. It's not very effective. It's acting out of frustration and anger and will not help in changing her child's behavior. Right now her child is head over heels about this guy and is not thinking clearly. The only thing I can think of (that someone else brought) that could conceivably be brought to the student's attention are her grades. She still needs to keep up current grade levels in order to retain certain privileges, though I'd still be wary about taking away her escape route.

Again I reiterate to the OP the necessity for prayer and divine instruction. Fasting would be a good idea too.

[applepansy]

Ready to be on their own and then lose their job during an economic down turn?

What you described is FANTASTIC at instilling a positive work ethic. However, going to school AND working is very hard to do. What happens is that work wins out over school. There's a fellow in my Statistics class who is having a rough time with it, and mostly it is due to the fact that his place of work will schedule him to work during class time even though they agreed not to, and then he's faced with a choice. Work these hours to get enough money to pay for rent, or not work these hours so I can learn the material but not be able to pay for rent. Hm, which do you think will win out?

Working to 100% support yourself and going to school is not easy, especially if you are working a regular peon job, you know retail of some sort. All those job losses that are happening? It's the peon's that are generally losing their jobs or getting their hours cut. And it's the peon jobs that kids right out of high school get. Why? Because in general they don't have any other verifiable skill set to do anything else.

Some people are able to do it without having their grades suffer, and that's great, however, not everyone can.

Regarding to the OP's question, should she take away her daughter's phone and car? NO. Let's say her b/f gets violent one day, or rapes her or whatever. She'll need to be able to get to Mom.

Also, the logical progression from you're having co-ed sleeping in your dorm room so now I'm going to take away your phone and car is not logical at all. That is the easy thing to do. Quick take away stuff from your kid because they're being bad. It's not very effective. It's acting out of frustration and anger and will not help in changing her child's behavior. Right now her child is head over heels about this guy and is not thinking clearly. The only thing I can think of (that someone else brought) that could conceivably be brought to the student's attention are her grades. She still needs to keep up current grade levels in order to retain certain privileges, though I'd still be wary about taking away her escape route.

Again I reiterate to the OP the necessity for prayer and divine instruction. Fasting would be a good idea too.

I have asked my 20yo daughter to join and come discuss some of these type of issues in the past. She said sorry mom I have work and school.

I agree with much of what you say. What we're talking about is appropriate consequences as related to the OP. Just because you're in school doesn't give you a blank check and a free pass. If someone makes choices that place hardships on their parents (emotional or financial) are the parents suppose to pay the consequences or the person who made the choices?

I agree prayer and personal revelation are so very important when we are coping with adult children. I know from the personal revelation I've had regarding my children that ensuring they could stand on their own two feet in this world meant that I should never soften the consequences of their choices. They are afterall Their choices, not mine.

From this point on . . . I'm willing to agree to disagree.

applepansy

[Elgama]

To those who suggest taking this to the Bishop - Sorry I don't agree with the logic. For me, this is a parenting/family issue. Mom and Pop do not share the same values as their daughter and have concerns about her recent choices. As parents, they must make the decisons that make theim feel comfortable concerning their child. They child has her agency to accept or reject those decisions. Once the child makes her decision then it may or maynot be a matter for the Bishop, unless of course the parents want to seek a second opinion/reenforcment. The Bishop should not be a substitute for good parenting and in my view this childs parents are seeking the best way to handle a situation. IMHO

As a Latter Day Saint parent I do not parent in isolation, I have home, visiting teachers, Bishop etc - Primary President etc If I seriously believed my child was breaking the law of chastity at 19 one of 2 things has happened either my teachings have failed or she has chosen to reject them. I just think its too late for my discipline to have any effect except to create a distance,. In this case if my daughter was doing everything to gain her education that is what I am paying for.

surely its best to seek out the Bishop's help early on - this child is now 19, and it would be better for her to hear clarification on guidelines from the Judge in Israel availible to herself and her parents. If as most people have assumed she is having sex he will be the one with keys to discern that and how to deal with it, for me this would be highly emotive issue and I am not sure how respective to the spirit I would actually be. In this instance she has stepped outside of not only her parents boundaries, but those of the church. If there is repentance needed then it gives her an opportunity to repent early on instead of 10 partners down the road.

Also my husbands rather crude mind when I asked him said well if she no longer pays for gas at least she can afford contraception.

-Charley

Edited November 26, 2008 by Elgama

[pam]

With all due respect . . . It is not brainwashing to walk out to my car with my daughter in a downtown grocery store parking lot (in UTAH) and get blocked in by three cars full of gang members.

We do not live in the same world that I grew up in. I'm sure glad we had a cell phone.

It is not brainwashing when you watch someone shot in downtown Salt Lake City from behind the closed and locked doors of an secure apartment building. That didn't happen in the downtown Salt Lake City my Dad grew up and he never thought he'd witness something like that in his Home Town.

No one has been brainwashed into believing we live in a more dangerous time. Its a fact. All you have to do is be aware of your surroundings to see things that didn't happen 40 years ago. . .even 20 years ago . . . and I'll be so bold as to bring it closer. . .10 years ago.

applepansy

:clap:

It's totally a fact. Places I used to walk to without a thought of safety...you had better have your mace out and ready now. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be so naive to think that times haven't changed.

[lilered]

As a Latter Day Saint parent I do not parent in isolation, I have home, visiting teachers, Bishop etc - Primary President etc If I seriously believed my child was breaking the law of chastity at 19 one of 2 things has happened either my teachings have failed or she has chosen to reject them. I just think its too late for my discipline to have any effect except to create a distance,. In this case if my daughter was doing everything to gain her education that is what I am paying for.

surely its best to seek out the Bishop's help early on - this child is now 19, and it would be better for her to hear clarification on guidelines from the Judge in Israel availible to herself and her parents. If as most people have assumed she is having sex he will be the one with keys to discern that and how to deal with it, for me this would be highly emotive issue and I am not sure how respective to the spirit I would actually be. In this instance she has stepped outside of not only her parents boundaries, but those of the church. If there is repentance needed then it gives her an opportunity to repent early on instead of 10 partners down the road.

Also my husbands rather crude mind when I asked him said well if she no longer pays for gas at least she can afford contraception.

-Charley

Hmm! So far in the saga, I don't recall that the teenager is yet committing chastity issues. The fear is that it won't be long until she does though. I guess I am just not a big advocate of turning to the Bishop for day to day family problems. There are a number of folks whose counsel can be sought without having to go to the Bishop. I understand that the Bishop should be concerned with the Wards youth, but not at the expense of circumventing the parents responsiblilitis and authority. :)

[Guest DeborahC]

ApplePansy...

Agreed! :)

Pam, I have to say that I've been called a lot of names in my life, but "naive" hasn't been one of them.

That's definitely a first! ::laughing:::

Perhaps we have just had different life experiences...

Edited November 27, 2008 by DeborahC

[eternalpromise516]

speaking from the perspective of a soon-to-be 19 year old, so i may ramble a bit.

i was lucky to receive what essentially amounts to a full-ride to my college (not including books), and the small part that my scholarship didn't cover ($649 compared to a tuition of 42420), my mom and grandma have graciously covered for me, along with helping me pay for my books and the purchase of my beautiful laptop. jobs around here on campus are fairly rare, but if i had the oppertunity to work i would definately be doing so. it would be difficult for me to hold a full-time job in addition to maintaining the course load that a Music Ed major here has to. i have a car that used to be my mom's, and she pays our insurance (both her van and my car), while i pay for the gas using gift cards i've received and what little spare money i have scraped together, and if i need help getting home, then i get it.

back in my freshman year of high school, i abused my cell phone and my mom took it away for a while (around 6 months), and i only got it back after i regained her trust. i learned my lesson through having to experience the consequences of my actions, which i think may need to happen in this situation.

if you feel that you should take away her cell phone, perhaps this next tidbit would be an idea for you to consider. depending on your carrier, you could temporarily "trade-in" her phone for one of those meant for smaller children that only have room for them to call certain people and 911. for example, the one they have for what used to be cingular, the parent has the control to add contacts, and the user can only call those pre-approved contacts and 911. there's also one out there called the firefly. perhaps getting one of these could be a way to still let her have a phone for safety, but gives her the message that if you act like a child, you'll be treated like one.

so, just a few things to consider. i know that any teen/young adult my age would definately not want to be treated like a little child, but i also think that if some of us choose to act stupid, we need to be treated that way, you know what i mean? a good sit-down discussion should also be on the schedule. please keep us updated on what's going on, seeing and reading through this post piqued my interest. good luck!!

[guitarwizard]

I am bad about reading whole threads once they have gotten this long. I fear becoming a parent simply because of the tags in this thread "daughter, boyfriend, sleepover." But, it helps me remember that we all have a common Heavenly Father, and he has given us the opportunity to mess up. He knows when we will, and however much he would love to help us, he can't force us to do anything. Let her know the path she is going down, and let her know that she will be held accountable for the things she does, not only to herself, but her boyfriend and the pain she causes her family. We all have agency, and no one can take this away from us. We are here to exercise it. Remind her that the path is straight and narrow, and it is very easy to get lost. If she has already lost her way, turn on your brights and let her see the path again.

Walking my puppy really made me think about this. We are all on a leash. We sometimes stop and we are nudged along, but sometimes we won't go on. Sometimes we see something on the side of the road, so all we really want to do is go over there and be curious. The person holding the leash will gently nudge us where we should be, but never forcefully, because we will gain hard feelings toward Him.

I don't know if anyone is able to glean what little bit of wisdom was in that, but, it means a bit to me. Just nudge her along. Don't be forceful. Don't hurt her, but let her know that she is hurting you, and there are consequences, even if not in this life.

[ruthiechan]

speaking from the perspective of a soon-to-be 19 year old, so i may ramble a bit.

i was lucky to receive what essentially amounts to a full-ride to my college (not including books), and the small part that my scholarship didn't cover ($649 compared to a tuition of 42420), my mom and grandma have graciously covered for me, along with helping me pay for my books and the purchase of my beautiful laptop. jobs around here on campus are fairly rare, but if i had the oppertunity to work i would definately be doing so. it would be difficult for me to hold a full-time job in addition to maintaining the course load that a Music Ed major here has to. i have a car that used to be my mom's, and she pays our insurance (both her van and my car), while i pay for the gas using gift cards i've received and what little spare money i have scraped together, and if i need help getting home, then i get it.

back in my freshman year of high school, i abused my cell phone and my mom took it away for a while (around 6 months), and i only got it back after i regained her trust. i learned my lesson through having to experience the consequences of my actions, which i think may need to happen in this situation.

if you feel that you should take away her cell phone, perhaps this next tidbit would be an idea for you to consider. depending on your carrier, you could temporarily "trade-in" her phone for one of those meant for smaller children that only have room for them to call certain people and 911. for example, the one they have for what used to be cingular, the parent has the control to add contacts, and the user can only call those pre-approved contacts and 911. there's also one out there called the firefly. perhaps getting one of these could be a way to still let her have a phone for safety, but gives her the message that if you act like a child, you'll be treated like one.

so, just a few things to consider. i know that any teen/young adult my age would definately not want to be treated like a little child, but i also think that if some of us choose to act stupid, we need to be treated that way, you know what i mean? a good sit-down discussion should also be on the schedule. please keep us updated on what's going on, seeing and reading through this post piqued my interest. good luck!!

Thank you for your thoughts, and that's really cool about that cell phone option!

However, I would like to point out that your mother took away your cell phone for abusing your cell phone. Her response WAS appropriate for YOUR infraction. I think your mother would have chosen a different route if you were living in a dorm and having co-ed sleepovers.

To mutant, here are some other thoughts to consider. This fellow has had sex with eight other girls. Who knows where they've been. He could have any number of STD's, one of them being HPV which is NOT detectable in men.

I have a list on my hard drive of over 70 sexual myths, I will work on getting it on the web as it is too lengthy for a post. It may help shed some light on the subject for your daughter. One myth (lie) is that it's not possible to get an STD if it's oral sex, using the withdrawal method, or dry humping.

Edited November 28, 2008 by ruthiechan